The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Night Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 1st!
- Speaking Of Scaring Wild Beasts.....
- Open Post: Nishanto The Bear Scarer
- Drew Barrymore Had A BABY!!!!!
- Taylor Swift To John Mayer: "You Probably Think This Song Is About You."
- Seth MacFarlane Is Hosting The Oscars
- Honey Boo Boo Is Doing A Whole Lot Of Hollerin' Today
- Xtina Is A "Fat Girl," Deal With It (UPDATE)
- A Crazed Zombie Fan Tried To Eat Danny Bonaduce's Cheek
| Night Crumbs | Top |
The Trollsens went to lunch with Mary-Kate's French piece Olivier Sarkozy, and they both look like they're saying to themselves, "DAD! Stop trying to be cool by smoking. You're embarrassing us! GAWD!" - Lainey Gossip With the shit Lifetime is putting out, it won't be long before they put out a James Dean biopic starring Justin Bieber - The Superficial New York's triumphant return to TV - Towleroad Chris Crocker bottoms in a porn for the first time and this is where we all scream, "Leave Chris Crocker's butthole alooooooone" - Manhunt Daily Amanda Bynes should hide her face for wearing those fug velcro wedges - Hollywood Tuna Aubrey Ho'Day keeps it demure and subtle as always - Drunken Stepfather The rest of the pictures from Taylor Swift's Glamour spread sponsored by Adobe Photoshop - The Berry Fiona Apple shits on gossiping bitches for saying she looks like a Smeagol grandma on meth - Celebitchy Adele's Bond song sounds like a Bond song by Adele - Just Jared January Jones hates disabled people - ICYDK And while GOOPY Paltrow kissed her husband, she thought about how she would rather be kissing her real love: her wood-burning outdoor pizza oven -Popsugar What in the HELL kind of GD outfit is Christian Serratos wearing? - Popoholic Bar Mitzvah Vogue boy comes back for an encore - OMG Blog Cat Deeley got married - I'm Not Obsssed Thirty Three Three-Legged Dogs! - Cityrag Somewhere off camera, Pimp Mama Kris is screaming, "Do the position you did for Ray J that made you a star! Whore out, Louise!" - Celebslam Halloween came early at the Gaultier show - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 1st! | Top |
via Poorly Dressed | |
| Speaking Of Scaring Wild Beasts..... | Top |
| From Nishanto the bear scarer to Rosie the gorilla scarer.... On last night's reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the rabid animals from the New Jersey exhibit in the Bravo zoo were all stuffed into the old pageants gowns of Miss Venezuelas past and were forced to go after each other while a confused, scared, wonk-eyed gay squirrel looked on. And DAMN did they go after each other. In the clip above, new-faced Kathy goes after no forehead-having Theresa by calling her father a coward. Theresa returned the slap by bringing up Kathy's late father and that shit awoke the butch beauty beast! Former HSOTD and Kathy's sister Rosie nearly made Theresa's gorillas in the mist hairline jump back a few inches when she started screaming backstage. Rosie threatened to rip Theresa's head off and serve it to Kate Capshaw. Cousin Rosie went OFF like somebody just took the last Home Depot lumber cart that she had her eye on. We won't really know if Cousin Rosie ate Theresa's head off until part two airs next week, but this is all I needed to see. I have never been this sexually turned on IN MY LIFE. Rosie's rant made me a lesbian and now I think I need to spend some alone time in Tokyo's dildo bar. | |
| Open Post: Nishanto The Bear Scarer | Top |
| If you don't want wild bears to come to your backyard, then don't make your backyard look like a beautiful enchanted storybook garden where all creatures come together to sing Disney songs and talk to each other. But if you insist on making your backyard look like a beautiful enchanted storybook garden and a bear comes to visit, do what Nishanto is doing in the video above. Nishanto doesn't play around and screams at him like she's an abuelita and he's screwing with her telenovela watching time. This method also works on other bears too. So if you're a massage therapist and John Travolta's bear hole starts growling at your crotch, you know what to do. via Gawker | |
| Drew Barrymore Had A BABY!!!!! | Top |
Drew Barrymore never came out and said publicly that a growing fetus moved into her uterus, so let's just pretend that she didn't know she had a case of the babies and will be seen on a reboot of TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant making a surprise face after she pisses out her first kid into the toilet. The star of the greatest cinematic masterpiece about a teenage slut murderess and her husband Will Kopelman have a 5-day-old baby in their arms and they announced the birth of their first kid in this statement of words they gave to UsWeekly:
Okay, when are we going to find out that Drew Barrymore, Anne Hathaway and Reese Witherspoon all married the same dude? They all married white dudes with faces I totally forget. And about that name Olive... Drew is a hippie who named her production company Flower Films, so I was expecting her to name her kid something like Pansy Lysander or Daffodil Silvermist. You know, something sounds like the name of a Pottery Barn potpourri inspired by Midsummer Night's Dream. Whatever, at least when Olive grows up, she can greet everyone by saying, "Olive, Olive, charmed, charmed!" | |
| Taylor Swift To John Mayer: "You Probably Think This Song Is About You." | Top |
Serving up some "broken condom baby of the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy" realness, Taylor Swift is Photoshopped to Oz and back on the cover of Glamour's hair issue, and during the interview with the magazine they asked her if the Lisa Frank glitter sticker she calls a heart felt sadness over what John Mayer said about her. Summer's Eve came out with a new scent called John Mayer's tears earlier this summer, because he got wet in the eyes from that tramp Taylor not telling him that her song "Dear John" was about him. Taylor only kisses and tells in song form, so she didn't say much when Glamour asked about shooting a musical arrow straight into John's empty douche bottle of a heart: On how John Mayer told Rolling Stone his David Duke dick was the inspiration for the song Dear John: "How presumptuous! I never disclose who my songs are about." On if she wants to know what John had to say about the song: "No! I don't want to know, I don't want to know. I know it wasn't good, so I don't want to know. I put a high priority on staying happy, and I know what I can't handle. It's not that I'm this egomaniac and I don't want to hear anything negative, because I do keep myself in check. But I've never developed that thick a skin. So I just kind of live a life, and I let all the gossip live somewhere else. If you go too far down the rabbit hole of what people think about you, it can change everything about who you are." On how she's side-humping some barely legal boy to get into the Kennedy family: "I don't talk about my personal life in great detail. I write about it in my songs, and I feel like you can share enough about your life in your music to let people know what you're going through." On people thinking she's a Strawberry Shortcake character come to life: "I think some people think it's just apple pie and sunshine and sprinkles and ponies. Which is just funny. But I never feel the need to go out and make some grand statement that I'm dark and twisty and complicated, because I'm not that either. It's just not as simple as ponies and rainbows, though I do love ponies and rainbows." "How presumptuous"? Either Taylor is having a laugh or bitch wants all of us to burn calories by rolling our fat eyeballs. The song is called DEAR JOHN. The only way it would be more obvious that it's about John Mayer is if the song's title was Dear Dick Turd Who Gave Me Crabs. I can't fully hate Taylor Swift for this, though, because she turned the crabs John gave her into a song that probably made her millions. I also can't fully hate on Taylor's exes for being mad about her blasting their asses in a shitty song. Because there's probably nothing more painful than shopping in a Walgreens when the song Taylor Swift wrote about you comes on the speakers and reminds you that you once skipped with her through a lavender field before carving your initials into a giant tree trunk. No, that's not a euphemism. Bitch really makes you skip through a lavender field and carve her initials into a giant tree trunk before she takes them off panties off. Here's everyone's least favorite American Girl doll shooting a video in Paris today. | |
| Seth MacFarlane Is Hosting The Oscars | Top |
This is happening, according to this real press release from Deadline:
On one hand, Seth is always making the smuggest expressions (see pic above) and the only thing his face should host is a fist, so I can't imagine staring at that for 5 million hours straight. But on the other hand, I LOVE this, because this could be the train wreck mess that will unite all of us together. Remember when James Franco and Anne Hathaway's beyond awful performances made us all barf next to each other as one? Nothing brings us together like an Oscar shit show. | |
| Honey Boo Boo Is Doing A Whole Lot Of Hollerin' Today | Top |
Who do I need to talk to about making this picture the new Great Seal of the United States, because the image of a scooter-driving Mama June and a high heel-wearing Honey Boo Boo Chile leaving a Walmart in Alabama IS America at its most sophisticated. America's answer to Rousseau, Honey Boo Boo Chile, once eloquently said, "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!", so she probably hasn't stopped hollerin' ever since TLC made it rain all over Mama June's Pillsbury value pack of chins. TMZ says that since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become the greatest thing to happen to American television since Footballers Wives started airing on BBC America, the network has tripled the family's salary. Mama June and her merry band of fart bags were making $5,000 to $7,000 an episode, but now they're getting anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 an episode. The stale food auction better watch out, because Mama June's got a stack of hundreds shoved into her chin cleavage and she's ready to buy ALL the day old cupcakes. A source tells TMZ that money isn't changing Mama June, because she turned down TLC when they offered to get her a bigger, better and more secure house. Mama June doesn't want to move, because why would you leave a house that is right next door to a gas station that sells jars of cheese balls and Hot Fries all the time? That's like a dirty slut living next to a glory hole. It's like living at the end of a rainbow. Mama June also wants to stay, because she loves her neighborhood and loves bringing the holidays to their lives by splattering Christmas decorations all over her front yard. The source also says that Mama June has tongue farted at offer after offer from agents who say they can make her even more money in appearances, because she doesn't want to be away from her family. Thanks to Pimp Mama Kris pushing her child whores on the ho stroll every chance she gets, we sometimes forget that there's some mothers on reality TV who don't completely whore their kids out for a fast check. Thank Jaysus for this, because my soul would fart itself into a puddle of sadness if Mama June got too fancy. I don't ever want to see Mama June eating extra fancy Prego sauce instead of sketti sauce and I really don't want to see her foot gnats feeding on caviar instead of her toe gunk. That would be worse than the time Roseanne won the lottery. Never change, Mama June, never change. | |
| Xtina Is A "Fat Girl," Deal With It (UPDATE) | Top |
UPDATE: Xtina's rep tells EW that she never said any of this to Billboard. The quotes were made up. I will fire my fact checker as soon as I finish smoking a bowl out of it. Xtina is a proud card-carrying member of Team Chunk (copyright: Fresh) and her pixelated Deal with It shades slowly drop on her face every time her record label tells her she needs to switch to calorie-free red lipstick and lose a little fat to get back to her Dirrty era body. In an interview with Billboard Magazine (via Radar) to promote her new album Lotus, Xtina says that while pushing her album Stripped in 2002, she got sick of being seen as a skinny, little white bitch, so she says she fully embraced her Ecuadorian-ness by filling her mouth hole with pan dulce to get some curves on her body.
The label held an emergency meeting and brought Xtina in to tell her that she needs to THINK OF THE PRODUCTION PEOPLE the next time she wanted to deep throat a chili beef enchilada. The label told Xtina that her extra set of lonjas was affecting musical directors and the production team. So after that talk, Xtina went back to the skinny for her Back to Basics tour, but after Bionic turned out to be a musical turd that quickly dropped to the bottom of the toilet, she decided to tell the label what's what:
Bitch, please. Snookitina is only shouting about loving her fat body, because I'm sure she was told the same thing I was told when I said I wanted to lose the ball of bloat over my stomach. I was told that I had to break up with the booze bottle for at least a month and only visit with my bong every now and again. Fuck that. I'd rather have a belly full of whiskey and Funyuns than a belly full of muscles. Drunktina is with me on that, so that's the only reason she's saying what she's saying. But after Weight Watchers hires her to be the body of their new line of weight-reducing cocktails (examples: Fen Phen-tini, Xenical Daiquiri and the Alli Mud Slide), her skinny ass will be on the cover of Life & Style screaming about how she's so glad to have her body back and she finally feels like the real her. And bitches shouldn't be poking at Xtina about her fatness, they should be poking at her for contributing to My Little Pony genocide. | |
| A Crazed Zombie Fan Tried To Eat Danny Bonaduce's Cheek | Top |
The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it's suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they're willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie's face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear. Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can't feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real. Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny's face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he's not pressing charges against her and he's not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn't know yet if he's been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth. And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn't need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin. | |
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