Friday, October 26, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

And Just Like That, I've Got A New Official Job Title Top

For always being wasted from inhaling the toxic fumes that waft off of the red lacquer slathered on her lips, Xtina really does have a clear mind that produces potent dingles of truth. The Hollywood Reporter  (via ONTD) hosted a Q& A with Xtina in Los Angeles yesterday and she had a few things to say about bloggers, Simon Cowell and about being a cold hard bitch in show business. You know, I never knew what to write next to occupation on forms ("Dumb Slut" and "Purveyor of Faggotry" don't fully explain all the layers of my job), but now I do thanks to the always eloquent Xtina.

On how she's not into dicks: "I've not actually seen a full episode of any of the other music shows. I saw the commercials early on of American Idol of Simon being a dick. I was like, 'Man, that's not what it's about!' I didn't want to treat people like that. I wanted to do The Voice to show that we can be positive. We don't have to knock people down."

On how she's a powerful business woman: "It's hard being such a powerful woman in the business. I'm known for not always being warm and fuzzy, because you'll just get bulldozed over. You learn to put up this little protective shield, but it's because of something. In my music, I come off as being very open about being insecure, vulnerable and sensitive sometimes. Then I'll go onstage and be this powerhouse force to be reckoned with."

On bloggers: "Now everyone is a critic. I don't read blogs. It's just God-knows-who in Buttfuck wherever writing hate shit. You can't take it seriously. I'm sure you've all been hated on at some point by buttfuck people. It's real talk today."

FINALLY, when I'm at a party, sitting in the corner by myself, petting the cat and someone comes to talk to me, I have something to say when they ask me what I do. I'll proudly say, "I'm a buttfuck person and I write hate shit all day." Now I just have to get on unionizing us buttfuck people.

I even love that Xtina is saying "buttfuck people" like it's a bad thing and that she really wants us to believe that she hasn't let her piece's peen enter the city limits of her Buttfuckville.

I do have a new appreciation for Xtina, though. I like how Xtina can sit there, talking shit about us buttfuck people while her weave is having a heavy flow day. Bitch, get your weave a tampon. If the whole "spinning on a chair" thing doesn't work out for Xtina, she should join us buttfuck people, because clearly she's one of us.

 
Hero Of The Day: Little Girl Shades Pippa Middleton Top

Most of the time children are like your mega drunk friend at the club: You have to carry them around everywhere, you don't know what the hell they're saying, you have to hold up their hair as they puke into the toilet, they're always asking you for a mint or candy and they fall asleep while you're talking to them. What I'm saying is that most of the time children are seriously annoying and get in the way of you freely boozing away. But sometimes, children are geniuses and made of magic. Case in point: the little girl in the clip above (via Buzzfeed).

The Middleton Family is like the Party City of Britain, or something, so Pippa Middleton knows all about party planning and she put it all into a book. You'd think that Pippa would only have to promote her book buy writing the words "BUY ME BOOK" on her ass since that's really the only thing photographers take a picture of, but she actually has to hustle that shit in book stores too. Pippa hosted a Halloween party with a bunch of kids in a book store and asked them what they like. One girl said that she's a tomboy and Pippa said that she bets she'll be into princesses and pink crap by the time she's 10. That's when our hero of the day said to Pippa, "I hate princesses."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Replace those horns with a halo, because that child is an angel of wisdom. I don't even care that homegirl said she's into vampires, which means that she's Twihard. I just love that she almost melted the orange off of Pippa's face by saying that she hates Pippa's sister. Fighting words!

Morrissey hates everything, but I can guarantee you that today, he loves this adorable princess-hater.

 
Conor Kennedy Just Wasn't Ready For Love, Marriage, Babies And Waking Up To Heart-Shaped Pancakes Every Morning Top

iPhones lit up in homeroom and some students had to be pulled out of class for peer counseling (Side note: I was a peer counselor in junior high school, but I only did it so I could pull my chola friend and her boyfriend out of class and let them make-out behind the gym bathrooms while I drew pictures of cats on my notebook. FOREVER ALONE.) yesterday when everybody learned that Taylor Swift was not going to be queen at the Winter Formal this year, because she broke up with Conor Kennedy. Tears fell on a hundred paper bag book covers (that should be the title of a song). Radar says that Taylor and Conor's love didn't end because she realized that being with a dude for more than 2 months is bad for business. It ended, because the crazy bitch is seriously Kennedy-ized.

Some source says that Conor Kennedy is just a typical 18-year-old kid who's desperately, madly, crazy in love as long as his peen is hard. Then when it goes soft, he's back to being bored and wants to play Bad Piggies on his phone while lying on the big sofa in the family rec room. But Taylor is ready for marriage and ready for babies and wants all of those babies to have the last name Kennedy:

"Taylor is obsessed with the Kennedys and was living out a fairytale with Conor. But she was more obsessed with the idea of dating a Kennedy, than the actual Kennedy she was dating. Taylor is love crazy and loves living vicariously through other people's love stories. She sincerely wants to find the person that she is supposed to spend the rest of her life with. But unfortunately, she thinks every man that gives her butterflies is that person."

That last part. Does the source mean that figuratively or literally, because it makes sense both ways. But even though Conor has already gotten over Taylor by making out with the school slut Crystal (they're ALWAYS named Crystal), she's not giving up her Kennedy dreams and is not ready to assassinate Conor in a song just yet. TMZ says that Taylor is still planning to buy her perfect Kennedy Stalking Palace across the street from Ethel Kennedy's house.

Oh, Taylor. Didn't anyone tell her that you shouldn't settle down with a dude who says, "Can you go a little faster, I have pre-cal in 20 minutes," while you're giving him a good morning hand job.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For October 25th! Top

It's a tie!

At the Dockers plant, workers prepare the key accessory for the new Jon Hamm line of trousers. - GingeMinge

To draw support for California's Measure B, which would mandate condoms in adult films, porn stars Laverne DeVaggio and Shirley Peeney nostalgically put a glove on the assembly line. - herroyalflyness

Runners-up:

"Oh, Jessica! It's just Daddy's new sleep number mattress." - TexnDoc

Sales are expected to go through the roof for the redesigned Fleet Enemas. - OurMissC

Today's featured GOOP product:100% organic dildos made in a green, fair trade facility from responsibly harvested cashmere. Available in sizes 00-4 only.Pre-order today! Only $1500...what a steal!
Please read Alicia Silverstone's testimonial below. - upstatestruggler

via Evil Milk

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Grigor Dimitrov, 21-year-old Belgian tennis player, and yes, he's the piece on the right. No, Grigor is not getting HSOTD accolades for wearing Diesel panties past the year 2004. And no, Grigor is also not getting HSOTD accolades for lifting up his hoodie and letting out a "Hey, gurl, hey!" like he's posing in an ad for twink night at a Palm Springs gay club. (Don't act like you haven't seen that same pose on a glossy card stock stuck to your windshield.) Grigor is getting HSOTD accolades for making what some are calling the best shot of the year (not to be confused with Pimp Mama Kris telling Kim Kardashian that she took the best shot to the ass of the year after watching dress rehearsal sex tapes of her and Kanye.) During a match with Serbian player Viktor Troicki, Grigor kept his legs together (LIKE A TRUE LADY DOES!) and handled the ball from the back like this:

"Some guys might've taken it between the legs, but he took it around the back. How does he do that?" Answer: LOTS of lube and heavy breathing.

via Daily Mail 

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Keith Urban (45)
Sasha Cohen (28)
Jon Heder (35)
Seth MacFarlane (39)
Rosemarie DeWitt (41)
Anthony Rapp (41)
Tom Cavanagh (49)
Natalie Merchant (49)
Cary Elwes (50)
Dylan McDermott (51)
Rita Wilson (56)
Julian Schnabel (61)
Bootsy Collins (61)
Hillary Rodham Clinton (65)
Pat Sajak (66)
Jaclyn Smith (67)
Bob Hoskins (70)
Shelley Morrison (76)

 
From The "I Quit This Bitch" Files: Lindsay Lohan's Publicist Dumped Her Top

Because telling the opposite of the truth so much made him feel like he was running for office, Lindsay Lohan's spokeswhore Steve Honig told her to take the job and shove it up her ass. To which Lindsay Lohan said, "His name is Job? That means he's Jewish, right? Okay, but I hope you told him anal costs extra."

E! News says that last night Steven Honig told Lindsay Lohan that he was professionally done with being her official lie teller and no matter what she says, he can't deposit the 8-balls she pays with him into his 401k and expect it to collect interest. Steve didn't say why he quit LiLo after 2 years of insanity, but TMZ thinks they know why. They heard that after Steve publicly said he wasn't in on LiLo's intervention, Michael Lohan harassed him in text messages. If Steve wanted to get shat on by a turtle, he'd get a job at the Playboy Mansion, so he said BYE BITCH BYE to LiLo to escape her dad.

Okay, so we're really supposed to believe that Steve quit because of one Michael Lohan text and not because Lindsay Lohan is fucking crazy. Whatever, but you know, it's Steve Honig's loss and he will regret this.

Steve Honig has 12-pack abs and he hasn't been to a gym in 2 years. Steve Honig got that 12-pack from laughing non-stop at all the ridiculous shit that LiLo would make him say to the media. Steve Honig has a b-hole that's so tight and strong he can use it to suck a nail out of a piece of wood. Steve Honig got that tight strong b-hole from clenching it every time his cell phone would burn up with calls from the media after LiLo fucked up for the ten millionth time. Steve Honig has the smoothest crotch of smoothest crotches and he got it from sticking his fingers through a hole in his pant pocket to pluck out his pubes one by one to deal with White Oprah.

So now Steve Honig has to pay for a gym membership and anal rejuvenation and crotch waxing. BIG MISTAKE!

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Mena Suvari FINALLY picked a hot piece and I'm only saying that because he looks like Ernesto from Mi Vida Loca - ICYDK

James Franco must be putting the wrong stuff in his bong again, because he made a lot of typos while trying to write the sentence, "The Biebs wants to do me in the ass." - Lainey Gossip

Is Holly Madison carrying her fetus in her implants, because I look more knocked up in the belly than she does - Hollywood Tuna 

I've never noticed this before, but when LeAnn Rimes starts fake crying she looks like a stingray after getting a make-up makeover at the MAC counter - Celebitchy

I thought that screen shot was Lindsay Lohan for five quick seconds (no offense to Axl Rose) - The Superficial 

Obama spills the tea on why Donald Trump really hates him - Towleroad

Anne Hathaway is looking more and more like my mom circa 1982 - Drunken Stepfather

Halle Berry looks like she got silver leafed - Popoholic

And as Alessandra Ambrosio strolled into the yoga studio, Gay Al Reynolds came at her for wearing the same outfit as him - Popsugar

That weave though... - I'm Not Obsessed

How Khloe Kardashian gets beautiful every morning - The Berry 

CAT BOUNCE! - OMG Blog

Kirstie Alley sheds a tear as she fondly remembers being the MVP of donut bobbing once - Cityrag

Even James Bond cries when Adele starts to yodel. The world needs to get it together! - Videogum

As Daniel Craig cries into his panties over an Adele song, let Idris Elba handle some shit for a while - IDLYITW

Ashley Greene's beard services are available now - Just Jared

Snooki would instantly lose 20 pounds if she sandblasted all the 50 layers of tanner off of her Ewok body - Hollywood Rag

Bad things happen when you let the wig wear you - Crunk + Disorderly 

 
Open Post: Hosted By Katy Perry's Ballot Dress Top

On the night before her birfday, Katy Perry used 10 tubs of lube to squeeze her parts into a latex body condom at an Obama fundraiser in Las Vegas. I see that Joe Biden and Romney are fighting for Katy Perry's vagine. But the joke's on Romney, because when Katy bends over, a tip of Joe Biden dips into her crotch. I know Katy Perry is pretty much shouting through her outfit that she's voting for Obama, but that latex dress is Romney's dream. When Katy's people rip that latex dress off her body real fast, it gives her a pap smear  (and a nipple wax too, Dita Von Teese) in a matter of seconds FOR FREE. Who needs Planned Parenthood when you've got a latex dress?

 
Okay...But What In The Hell Is Lisa Turtle Wearing? Top


Lark Voorhies and her mom Tricia had opposite opinions on the state of her mental health in People Magazine earlier this month. Tricia said that Lark is bi-poplar, but doesn't want to get help and doesn't really take her meds. (In Lark's defense, it's kind of hard to take her meds when that junkie whore Jessie Spano keeps stealing them from her medicine cabinet.) Lark said that she isn't bi-polar and yes, she's a little hazy in the brains, but that's just because she's a very spiritual person who is thinking thoughts all the time. Well, as Lark and a man friend left some restaurant in L.A. last night TMZ asked her about her mom saying she's bi-polar. Lark took a quick minute to meditate and let the spirits whisper a response into her brain before she said:

"Well I think it quite comical... I'll put it to you like this, outside contract, everything is funny. Beautiful pictures though, don't you think?"

Lisa Turtle went on to talk about other shit too including how we're all spiritually in tune with an informant connection, or something like that. Lisa Turtle talks like me if I drank a whole bottle of absinthe and tried to do an impersonation of Audrey Hepburn in Always.

Yes, Lisa Turtle talks and carries herself like the pilled-up matriarch of a wealthy New England family who is about to tell her children that she's cut all of them out of the will, but it really doesn't matter if she's bi-polar or not. I'm more concerned about that make-up and outfit. GUUURRRRRL. That's an outfit that Dorothy Zbnorak would look at in the Memaw of the Bride section at Sears and quickly shoo it away because it's TOO obvious.

 

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