Friday, October 26, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Birthday Sluts Top

Keith Urban (45)
Sasha Cohen (28)
Jon Heder (35)
Seth MacFarlane (39)
Rosemarie DeWitt (41)
Anthony Rapp (41)
Tom Cavanagh (49)
Natalie Merchant (49)
Cary Elwes (50)
Dylan McDermott (51)
Rita Wilson (56)
Julian Schnabel (61)
Bootsy Collins (61)
Hillary Rodham Clinton (65)
Pat Sajak (66)
Jaclyn Smith (67)
Bob Hoskins (70)
Shelley Morrison (76)

 
From The "I Quit This Bitch" Files: Lindsay Lohan's Publicist Dumped Her Top

Because telling the opposite of the truth so much made him feel like he was running for office, Lindsay Lohan's spokeswhore Steve Honig told her to take the job and shove it up her ass. To which Lindsay Lohan said, "His name is Job? That means he's Jewish, right? Okay, but I hope you told him anal costs extra."

E! News says that last night Steven Honig told Lindsay Lohan that he was professionally done with being her official lie teller and no matter what she says, he can't deposit the 8-balls she pays with him into his 401k and expect it to collect interest. Steve didn't say why he quit LiLo after 2 years of insanity, but TMZ thinks they know why. They heard that after Steve publicly said he wasn't in on LiLo's intervention, Michael Lohan harassed him in text messages. If Steve wanted to get shat on by a turtle, he'd get a job at the Playboy Mansion, so he said BYE BITCH BYE to LiLo to escape her dad.

Okay, so we're really supposed to believe that Steve quit because of one Michael Lohan text and not because Lindsay Lohan is fucking crazy. Whatever, but you know, it's Steve Honig's loss and he will regret this.

Steve Honig has 12-pack abs and he hasn't been to a gym in 2 years. Steve Honig got that 12-pack from laughing non-stop at all the ridiculous shit that LiLo would make him say to the media. Steve Honig has a b-hole that's so tight and strong he can use it to suck a nail out of a piece of wood. Steve Honig got that tight strong b-hole from clenching it every time his cell phone would burn up with calls from the media after LiLo fucked up for the ten millionth time. Steve Honig has the smoothest crotch of smoothest crotches and he got it from sticking his fingers through a hole in his pant pocket to pluck out his pubes one by one to deal with White Oprah.

So now Steve Honig has to pay for a gym membership and anal rejuvenation and crotch waxing. BIG MISTAKE!

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Mena Suvari FINALLY picked a hot piece and I'm only saying that because he looks like Ernesto from Mi Vida Loca - ICYDK

James Franco must be putting the wrong stuff in his bong again, because he made a lot of typos while trying to write the sentence, "The Biebs wants to do me in the ass." - Lainey Gossip

Is Holly Madison carrying her fetus in her implants, because I look more knocked up in the belly than she does - Hollywood Tuna 

I've never noticed this before, but when LeAnn Rimes starts fake crying she looks like a stingray after getting a make-up makeover at the MAC counter - Celebitchy

I thought that screen shot was Lindsay Lohan for five quick seconds (no offense to Axl Rose) - The Superficial 

Obama spills the tea on why Donald Trump really hates him - Towleroad

Anne Hathaway is looking more and more like my mom circa 1982 - Drunken Stepfather

Halle Berry looks like she got silver leafed - Popoholic

And as Alessandra Ambrosio strolled into the yoga studio, Gay Al Reynolds came at her for wearing the same outfit as him - Popsugar

That weave though... - I'm Not Obsessed

How Khloe Kardashian gets beautiful every morning - The Berry 

CAT BOUNCE! - OMG Blog

Kirstie Alley sheds a tear as she fondly remembers being the MVP of donut bobbing once - Cityrag

Even James Bond cries when Adele starts to yodel. The world needs to get it together! - Videogum

As Daniel Craig cries into his panties over an Adele song, let Idris Elba handle some shit for a while - IDLYITW

Ashley Greene's beard services are available now - Just Jared

Snooki would instantly lose 20 pounds if she sandblasted all the 50 layers of tanner off of her Ewok body - Hollywood Rag

Bad things happen when you let the wig wear you - Crunk + Disorderly 

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For October 25th! Top

via Evil Milk

 
Open Post: Hosted By Katy Perry's Ballot Dress Top

On the night before her birfday, Katy Perry used 10 tubs of lube to squeeze her parts into a latex body condom at an Obama fundraiser in Las Vegas. I see that Joe Biden and Romney are fighting for Katy Perry's vagine. But the joke's on Romney, because when Katy bends over, a tip of Joe Biden dips into her crotch. I know Katy Perry is pretty much shouting through her outfit that she's voting for Obama, but that latex dress is Romney's dream. When Katy's people rip that latex dress off her body real fast, it gives her a pap smear  (and a nipple wax too, Dita Von Teese) in a matter of seconds FOR FREE. Who needs Planned Parenthood when you've got a latex dress?

 
Okay...But What In The Hell Is Lisa Turtle Wearing? Top


Lark Voorhies and her mom Tricia had opposite opinions on the state of her mental health in People Magazine earlier this month. Tricia said that Lark is bi-poplar, but doesn't want to get help and doesn't really take her meds. (In Lark's defense, it's kind of hard to take her meds when that junkie whore Jessie Spano keeps stealing them from her medicine cabinet.) Lark said that she isn't bi-polar and yes, she's a little hazy in the brains, but that's just because she's a very spiritual person who is thinking thoughts all the time. Well, as Lark and a man friend left some restaurant in L.A. last night TMZ asked her about her mom saying she's bi-polar. Lark took a quick minute to meditate and let the spirits whisper a response into her brain before she said:

"Well I think it quite comical... I'll put it to you like this, outside contract, everything is funny. Beautiful pictures though, don't you think?"

Lisa Turtle went on to talk about other shit too including how we're all spiritually in tune with an informant connection, or something like that. Lisa Turtle talks like me if I drank a whole bottle of absinthe and tried to do an impersonation of Audrey Hepburn in Always.

Yes, Lisa Turtle talks and carries herself like the pilled-up matriarch of a wealthy New England family who is about to tell her children that she's cut all of them out of the will, but it really doesn't matter if she's bi-polar or not. I'm more concerned about that make-up and outfit. GUUURRRRRL. That's an outfit that Dorothy Zbnorak would look at in the Memaw of the Bride section at Sears and quickly shoo it away because it's TOO obvious.

 
Taylor Swift Isn't Going To Be A Kennedy After All Top

You know how flaky a 12-year-old trapped in the body of a 22-year-old Strawberry Shortcake character is? One minute, she's trying to become a Kennedy by fucking on every Kennedy and the next minute she's over it and moving on to the next thing. UsWeekly says that after a couple of months of serious Kennedy stalking, Taylor Swift is done with the Kennedys, because she has broken up with 18-year-old Connor Kennedy. At least they'll always have Hyannis Port.... and the inevitable album she'll write about this mess.

UsWeekly's source says that TayNor isn't over, because the FBI threatened to arrest her for always kidnapping Conor Kennedy and forcing him to have tea parties with her yarn dolly collection in the replica of the Smurf Village she had built in her backyard. They broke up, because Taylor's too busy promoting her latest musical burn book:

"They quietly parted ways a while ago. It was just a distance thing. No hard feelings. They're fine. It's been over a month since they've even seen each other. With her promotion for Red, she has no time off until the end of the year."

What I'm taking that to mean is that when Taylor Swift recently tried to crawl into Conor's bedroom window in the middle of the night, Ethel Kennedy tased her ass and released the dogs on her. Taylor finally got the hint. Ethel Kennedy only said those nice things about Taylor, because she was trying to throw that boy-eating, squint-eyed country broom bitch up. No simple slut is going to write a song about HER grandson.

And I really hope Taylor Swift turns her Cape Cod mansion into a museum dedicated to the fall of the Kennedys.

 
Jessica Simpson Can't Believe Her Daddy Loves The Peen Top

I took my gaydar to the Geek Squad yesterday, because the stupid, cheap thing didn't shoot out a stream of sparkly unicorn jizz every time I looked at a picture of Papa Joe. I guess Jessica Simpson was right behind me in line, because Radar says that she was as shocked as me to find out that Papa Joe loves the peen even though the signs were all there (huge example: that Revlon Frost & Glow hair).

Papa Joe and Tina Simpson both filed to divorce each other's ass yesterday and The National Enquirer said it was because he told them two months ago that he's totally and legitimately gay (he denies it, sort of, not really). Ashlee Simpson gasped so hard that her original nose came back and Jessica Simpson couldn't believe it. All those times Papa Joe was away from the house for hours on end, Jessica and Ashlee thought he was flashing young ladies in the park, but he was actually boning boy toy butt with his tongue. Some source said this:

"Jessica had absolutely no clue that her father was gay, not even the slightest inkling. She thinks she has very good gaydar, especially since a lot of her friends are gay, but she did not see this coming at all. It was a complete shock to the system, she feels terribly for her mom who was left reeling by the announcement and her sister Ashlee has also taken the news quite badly. Jessica's been trying to process the information slowly, but she's having difficulty dealing with it. She can't understand why Joe stayed married to Tina for so long, and can't help wondering how much of their life was a lie. Despite that, she's going to stand by him and support his decision. After all, he's still her father and Joe's always been there for Jessica whenever she's needed him... And not just as a father, but as her manager too."

Poor dumb simple Jessica. Think of all the hours she spent in therapy to deal with the scars she got from watching her dad touch her tits wrong with his eyes and from trying to put on a fake smile while holding up the lace lingerie he bought her for Christmas. But Papa Joe was only checking to make sure her chichi game was in check and only bought her lingerie, because her underwear was homely. Papa Joe isn't a creepy, pervert daddy. Papa Joe's just a sassy gay dad. This changes EVERYTHING.

And my gaydar is sad, confused and hating itself for not ringing for Papa Joe, so I'm going to build its confidence by giving it something easy. Here's the German rainbow Harald Glööckler unveiling the house he designed in Berlin. "Wait, Harald's gay TOO?!" - Jessica Simpson

 
Hawaiian Hamm Top

So when Jon Hamm goes to Hawaii, does he become Jon Spamm? (Yes, I'll GONG myself since I know your hands are busy right now.)

Jon Hamm's triple decker dick has a cock lei of jasmine on and is lying on a lounge chair on the beach in Maui while sipping a Mai Tai, because Jon Hamm and Jessica Pare are in Hawaii right now shooting seasons for the next season of Mad Men. The truth is, these pictures really ain't shit since they've tucked the Hammaconda and held it down using industrial-strength tape so we can't really see it. But at least Jon Hamm is showing off the extra fluffy muff on his chest and you know his thigh high tan lines make him look real sexy.

 
Now THIS Is An October Surprise Top

Donald Trump shat out his "October Surprise" for Obama yesterday and it turned out to be nothing but a heap of lukewarm shit, which is kind of ironic since I don't think Trump has squatted out a proper caca since the 80s. The stick up his culo gets in the way, so nowadays he just shits through his mouth. But something beautiful has grown out of Trump's piece of trash offer to Obama and that something beautiful is the image of Stephen Colbert dipping his crotch prunes in Trump's sewer hole of a mouth.

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert gave Trump an offer he shouldn't refuse: Stephen will give $1 million to Trump's charity of choice if he lets Stephen dippeth those nuts into la boca.

"Mr Trump, I will write you a check for $1 million dollars from Colbert Super PAC - you know I've got it - to the charity of your choice. Anything. Save The Children. Feed The Children. Put The Children on Child Apprentice, whatever! One million actual dollars, if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth - one million. But... this dipping, and I hope you're listening very carefully Mr Trump. This dipping has to be to my and more importantly, my balls' satisfaction. One caveat... one caveat. My balls must be in your mouth no later than 5pm October 31st."

I hate politics and I hate this election, but I LOVE nuts in mouths.

This should be a no brainer for Trump (I set that one up for you), because he's a teabagger and everyone knows that you're not an official teabagger until a testicle hair has tickled your tonsils. They do that during the initiation ceremony ("Then why aren't you a teabagger by now, Michael?" - you "Good point." - Me). And this is also sort of fitting, because Donald Trump is an oozing hairy pimple on humanity's nutsack.

And this is the reason why the nutsack condom (it's like a shower cap for your huevos) was invented.

via Digital Spy 

 

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