Sunday, August 2, 2009

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Seth Rogen Relives Being Rejected By Megan Fox (VIDEO) Top
Poor Seth Rogen. Two years ago he was on "Jimmy Kimmel Live" with Megan Fox and, despite the fact that it's common to get a peck on the cheek from your co-interviewee on a late night show, Rogen was rejected. The pain of that moment has lasted him through years of success, until he came back on Kimmel's show and was forced to confront the experience. WATCH: Get HuffPost Comedy On Facebook and Twitter! More on Late Night Shows
 
Dr. Tian Dayton: Narcissism in a Bottle: The Self Centerdness of Addiction Top
Over the years I have listened to a sort of running monologue from clients who grew up with an addicted parent. It goes something like this..."I felt like it was all about them, like what was going on inside of me was sort of invisible, like what they wanted or needed always came first." They go on and on describing a family dynamic that circulated around the immediate needs of the addict. They talk about how they often found themselves staying quiet and "well behaved" so as not to disturb a drunk or hung over parent or bring a torrent of anger down on them. They also describe a world in which their other parent was constantly over burdened;hiding the extent of the problem and working double time to make the family seem "normal". Both parents became absorbed by either addiction or the problems surrounding it. In this family children tend to fit in or not fit in according to their ability to meet other people's needs. These kids often experience their parent's needs as more immediate and important than their own. And to further complicate this dynamic, children of addiction COA's, may experience relief and satisfaction by meeting another person's needs while remaining somewhat unaware of their own. Their own inner worlds can feel somewhat hazy and confusing to them while the worlds of others seem clear and distinct. Why Living with Addiction Feels Like Living with Narcissism The narcissist tends to view other people, not necessarily as individuals in thier own right, but as extensions of himself. A narcissist often prefers to have people around him who behave in such a way as to meet and gratify his own needs or enhance his own vision of himself. If they act separate, have too many of their own points of view or their own opinions they threaten the narcissist's equilibrium. How does this mirror addiction? The addict is ever absorbed with getting their next fix; that's how they maintain their equilibrium, albeit very dysfunctionally. Their needs come first. The narcissist also tends to be absorbed in themselves and in meeting their next need and rather unaware and even uncaring of the needs of those around them. Same with the addict, the needs of those around them have to come second to their meeting their own, often overpowering desire for their next "fix" whether it be a drink, drug, food or sexual encounter.Both the narcissist and the addict are first and formost self absorbed, they come first. Addiction creates a kind of narcissism. It is constantly preoccupying; it takes a person over body, mind and soul. For those who live with an addict, love them and depend on them to be at the other end of a relationship, life can be discouraging. It's a lot like living with a narcissist because no matter what you do or how hard you try, you will always come second; second to the addict's pressing needs, second to their constant preoccupations, second to the disease. Freud said that we become jealous of the narcissist, they seem to be so pleasantly oblivious to the feelings of accountability to others that the rest of us are plagued by. "Wouldn't it be nice" we think "to be free of this burden of awareness of the needs and feelings of others and simply ask ourselves one question, what do I want?" But if you could drill a hole into the inner world of the narcissist or the addict and peek inside you might be startled at the emptiness and loneliness you'd find. Because ultimately being oblivious to the cares and needs of others, leaves us feeling like strangers in our own relational worlds. Whatever they are doing to meet their needs isn't working all that well for the long run. How In Recovery, We Sometimes Misinterpret the Concept of Self Care Recovery and pop psychology are famous for telling people to "take care of themselves". I see a lot of people in the addictions field confused at just what this means because the models they have seen "taking care of themselves" have been unhealthy ones. COAs don't necessarily learn the difference between healthy self care, the kind that recognizes that you won't be any good to anyone, including yourself, if you let yourself fall apart and the selfish, narcissistic models they have grown up with. They confuse healthy self care with the selfish variety that discounts others. Frustrated and disheartened from years of feeling unseen and unheard, they grab onto the concept of self care and use it to justify gratifying their own needs in the same selfish way that they have seen others do and then wonder at why they feel so lonely. And their self care can be so mixed up with the kinds of fear, guilt and pain that we discussed in our previous two blogs on codependency that they really can't figure out how to take care of themselves and still be well related and aware of the needs of others. One of the important tasks of any person is to learn how to be well related to others. Humans are tribal at heart, pack animals if you will. We are always in relationship to someone, it's part of who we are and how we got here in the first place. Learning what to let metter and what to let go of, and how to hang onto our own sense of self while in the presence of others is one of our most important developmental tasks. This is challenging in the most perfect of circumstances but for those who grow up with addicted or narcissistic parents who aren't good at fostering self esteem in others, developing a secure sense of self can be challenging. This delicate process of untangling of conflicting needs and emotions will be the subject of my next blog; "Emotional Sobriety in Relationships". For further info see Emotional Sobriety: From Relationship Trauma to Resilience and Balance ," by Tian Dayton PhD.
 
Ali Larter Ties The Knot Top
Heroes star Ali Larter wed actor Hayes MacArthur in an intimate ceremony Saturday at his parents' estate in Kennebunkport, Maine, Usmagazine.com has confirmed.
 
Mark Wahlberg Marries The Mother Of His 3 Children Top
Mark Wahlberg has finally made it official! The actor and his longtime girlfriend, model Rhea Durham, tied the knot on Saturday, PEOPLE has confirmed.
 
Gretchen Rubin: Balanced Life -- Imagine That Something Good Never Happened Top
I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too ! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project. I read a fascinating article by Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness , about a study showing that people who wrote about how they might never have met and fallen in love with their sweethearts had a bigger jump in happiness than those who wrote about how they did meet and fall in love. Apparently, contemplating the fact that a key event might never have happened, at all, makes it more surprising and mysterious. Just think how close you came to having a different fate - your life could have gone in another direction, so easily! The absolutely brilliant, enthralling novel The Post-Birthday World , by Lionel Shriver, explores this notion at length in an utterly gripping way, as does the movie Sliding Doors . Lyubomirsky points out that surprise, novelty, challenge, and variety are associated with intense emotion and vivid experience. I've certainly been convinced of that, myself. One thing that surprised me in my own happiness project is the truth of the proposition that Novelty and challenge bring happiness . When I started my project, I expected that this wouldn't hold true for me, because I love mastery and routine. Well, I was wrong. To test the idea that with novelty and challenge bring happiness, I started this blog, and it has brought me immeasurable happiness. After reading about this study, I thought for a few minutes about how my life would be different, now, if I didn't have my blog. I did get a major happiness boost from realizing that phew, I do have my blog. Then I thought about what would have happened if I hadn't met my husband. What an unhappy prospect! I got a surge of happiness and relief from knowing that we did meet each other. (We met because our library carrels were back-to-back; what if we'd been assigned to opposite ends of the room?) Imagining life without your sweetheart (or your blog, or your cat, or whatever) also inspires gratitude. It's challenging to feel grateful for the familiar elements of everyday life, but imagining their absence inspires thankfulness and awe. So take a moment to imagine that something good never happened. Do you feel happier? * Zoikes, check out this video of someone drawing two portraits, simultaneously, one with each hand. Coincidentally, the artist dedicates the video to the movie The Shawshank Redemption , which I've never seen -- despite the fact that many people have told me that it's in the Top Ten of happiness movies. I just read Stephen King's short story, "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption," so am now ready to watch the movie. * I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month's posts to about 26,000 subscribers. If you'd like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format - trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. It's free. More on Happiness
 
John Lundberg: Britain's Poet Laureate Remembers The Great War Top
Carol Ann Duffy, Britain's new poet laureate, published a poem last week to commemorate the death of Henry Allingham and Harry Patch, two of the last surviving British veterans of the First World War (the men were a whopping 113 and 111 years old, respectively). The effort is Duffy's first official poem as laureate, a dicey proposition given all the negative attention that has recently surrounded the position. Her predecessor, Andrew Motion, couldn't wait to retire from the post, and his uninspired efforts helped spur The Times Online to offer that "The gap between the public poem and the greeting card was closing rapidly." Given such a climate, Duffy's poem is a surprising success. Not only is "Last Post" accessible, and a fitting tribute to those who served in World War I, but it is also simply a damn good poem with rich imagery, cinematic movement and poignant ending. Here's the full text: Last Post In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning. If poetry could tell it backwards, true, begin that moment shrapnel scythed you to the stinking mud... but you get up, amazed, watch bled bad blood run upwards from the slime into its wounds; see lines and lines of British boys rewind back to their trenches, kiss the photographs from home- mothers, sweethearts, sisters, younger brothers not entering the story now to die and die and die. Dulce- No- Decorum- No- Pro patria mori. You walk away. You walk away; drop your gun (fixed bayonet) like all your mates do too- Harry, Tommy, Wilfred, Edward, Bert- and light a cigarette. There's coffee in the square, warm French bread and all those thousands dead are shaking dried mud from their hair and queuing up for home. Freshly alive, a lad plays Tipperary to the crowd, released from History; the glistening, healthy horses fit for heroes, kings. You lean against a wall, your several million lives still possible and crammed with love, work, children, talent, English beer, good food. You see the poet tuck away his pocket-book and smile. If poetry could truly tell it backwards, then it would. The poem, notably, makes a nod to Wilfred Owen, one of Britain's best known (and loved) war poets. Owen, who was killed just a week before World War One ended, broke from the literary tradition of glorifying battle. In a letter home to his mother, he wrote, "All a poet can do today is warn." Duffy quotes Owen's poem "Dulce et Decorum Est" (which I've included below) in her epigraph, and plays off of it again at the end of the first stanza." The Latin line, originally from Horace, was well known to Englanders at the time and was used as a sort of propaganda. It translates to "It is sweet and fitting, to die for your native land." The bitter irony with which Owen employs it is as clear as the horrors of war that he so expertly conjures up. Here's the poem in full: Dulce et Decorum Est Bent double, like old beggars under sacks, Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge, Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs And towards our distant rest began to trudge. Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind; Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind. Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! - An ecstasy of fumbling, Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time; But someone still was yelling out and stumbling, And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime . . . Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light, As under a green sea, I saw him drowning. In all my dreams, before my helpless sight, He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning. If in some smothering dreams you too could pace Behind the wagon that we flung him in, And watch the white eyes writhing in his face, His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin; If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs, Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, My friend, you would not tell with such high zest To children ardent for some desperate glory, The old Lie; Dulce et Decorum est Pro patria mori. Poetry can't "truly tell it backwards," as Duffy said. But, as Owen proved so powerfully, it can help take us there, and as Duffy demonstrates, it can help us to remember--together--those who actually were there.
 
Kari Henley: Unlimited Vacation Days, Dogs at Work and Pet Projects- Innovations in the Workplace Top
For those of you who follow my posts, I have been writing about vacations - and our attitudes about taking time off. Two weeks ago I explored America's poor report card on paid vacations ( here ) and last week I wrote about our personal challenges with being busy, and turning off the noise when we have a chance to get away. ( here .) The United States ranks far behind other countries in offering vacation time, and millions never use the time accrued. Taking off the month of August for "holiday," like the Europeans, will never fly in the US. Yet, leave it to Americans to come up with some interesting innovations in the work force that are redefining vacation time, as well as improving daily work environments. At a hearing on July 23rd, the congressional Joint Economic Committee reported that among employers with more than 1,000 workers, there has been a 25 percent increase in flexibility programs. Clearly, in the recession, offering flextime, compressed work weeks, and telecommuting is the best way to save jobs. As the workforce continues to technologically evolve, more employees are able to complete their work from remote locations. The upside of this trend, is an increased flexibility to bring work home and not feel 'chained to a desk.' The downside of working from home, is finding the discipline to walk away now and then for a much needed break Ultimately, how we take, and how we use our vacation time, is a matter of personal responsibility. Beyond the concept of flex time, some trendsetting companies are tossing out the HR manual altogether - eliminating any sort of set vacation days, sick days or personal days. Employees simply take off what they need, as long as their work is getting done. Sound crazy? This innovative concept is being implemented quite successfully. Some of the leaders in this "open vacation policy" are Best Buy with their " ROWE " policy, which stands for "Results Only Work Environment " allowing their 4,000 staff to work anywhere, anytime - as long as their work is completed. Imagine the possibilities! To further inspire their staff, Best Buy has just started a "venture citizen fund." Employees are invited to submit social change ideas for creative and financial consideration by the company. So smart. Let's face it, if you feel valued, are able to take time off, and are encouraged to serve the planet, why would you work anywhere else? Netflix is another trendsetter, with an "unpolicy" that does not require staff to take allotted days off. Their HR department does not keep track of vacations, tardiness or sick days and still manages to be one of the most successful companies of the past few years. Netflix Chief Executive Reed Hastings, says traditional means of keeping track of employees time are "a relic of the industrial age." "The worst thing is for a manager to come in and tell me: `Let's give Susie a huge raise because she's always in the office.' What do I care? I want managers to come to me and say: `Let's give a really big raise to Sally because she's getting a lot done' - not because she's chained to her desk." One in three Americans don't use all the vacation time they have earned, and barely one in 10 takes a break for two weeks straight, according to the non-profit research firm Families and Work Institute . But at Netflix, it's estimated that most employees take off about 25 to 30 days per year, using the time to stay at home, take a vacation, or work on pet projects. Besides trends in time off, how about innovations in the quality of our time at work? With increased pressures, what can be done within the work environment to offset the daily grind? Google operates with the sound belief that individual passions can become a great asset to the company's growth. With this in mind, they offer all engineers a "20% policy" , where employees can use 20% of their work week, (which is about one full work day) for special projects outside of everyday responsibilities. The new product Google News is a result of this 20% program. Small businesses are under tremendous pressure, yet with creativity, they can also be wonderful places to work and grow. I spoke with Tami Simon, CEO of Sounds True about some of her highly acclaimed, yet simple, management philosophies. Simon founded the company in 1985 with a mission to disseminate spiritual wisdom. Starting out with an idea and a tape recorder, the company has grown into a multimedia publishing company with more than 80 employees, a library of more than 600 titles featuring some of the leading teachers and visionaries of our time, and customers from around the world. Simon admits it is harder to create flexibility in the workplace for a smaller staff. "As a for-profit company in today's economy, it is simply impractical for unlimited time off. However, I think the key is how we can work together to find creative solutions." For example, one of the staff who had worked at Sounds True for seven years, wanted to take three months off for an extended maternity leave. Simon reflected on the dillema. "I knew it would be hard for three months, then I realized: would I want to have a staff member in the office that is not present and available? This was a once in a lifetime opportunity for them, so we made it work - with a combination of vacation time, unpaid leave time, and time she spent training a contract person to work in her place." To increase daily "sanity," Simon has a meditation room on site for staff, and encourages dog owners to bring their pets to work. With a staff of 80, about 20 dogs are roaming the office at any given time. "The dogs give us something to care for," Simon explained." They need to go out for a walk, which is kind of like an old fashioned equivalent to a smoking break!" During staff meetings, everyone at Sounds True start with a moment of silence, followed by a short personal 'check in,' before starting the business at hand. Simon explained why this practice has made such a difference: "People may think to themselves, 'taking a minute- what does that do?' But during that time of quiet, we can all become much more present, and we don't feel like the day is one long sentence. It provides a feeling of punctuation." Simon concludes: "I want to make work life something that does not take the life out of us, but is a place that let's us take life back in." Let's hear it readers! Do you have any innovative stories to tell from the workplace? How do you find the time to rejuvenate yourself- either on site or off? Always love to hear your comments. Be sure to hear more about this subject on Monday morning on NPR's " The Takeaway" radio show, where I will be a featured guest. If you would like to receive weekly updates of this post, click on "Become A Fan." More on Google
 

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