Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Merv Griffin's Grave Will Be Rolling Today Top
Toddlers & Tiaras is about to be replaced as the #1 TV show in the pedophile ward of state prisons, because everybody's favorite creepy gay husband made of discarded plugs and his air quotes teenage bride have made everybody at The Soup squee themselves inside/out by signing a deal for their own reality. Radar reports that Courtney Stodden stuck out her lizard tongue, dipped it in an ink jar and slithered out her signature on a contract with Merv Griffin Entertainment. Wait. I should rewrite that last sentence in the kind of Twitter whore baby talk that speaks to Courtney: Radar seductively reports that the sensuous creature Courtney Stodden provocatively grabbed her sexy husband's long hard pen and deliciously dipped it into her wet ink jar and salaciously saturated the voluptuous contract with her pleasurable signature of lustful desire. I LOVE JESUS! Courtney's pimp of a mother Krista Stodden says that they went with Merv Griffin Entertainment, because they believe that is the company who will put them in front of all of the best networks even though we know the only network that is going to buy this skankified creep show is PBS (PedoBear Broadcasting Service) or.....TLC (same thing basically). Doug and the garden gecko who had a lobotomy with a Real Doll also said that nothing is off limits and they will show every uncomfortable part of their lives like this: Shouldn't they be washing her instead of the car. You know, a video that can double as soft-core pedo porn and soft-core gerontophile porn should not exist. I just watched some crazy bitch pour bleach into another crazy bitch's contact lens case on The Bad Girls Club, and now I wish she would come to my apartment and do the same thing to me. Because Courtney and Doug's reality show is going to make all of us long for wholesome entertainment like 2 Girls, 1 Cup . Either Courtney and Doug's show is what you see when you stare into the eyes of a locust in the Apocalypse swarm, or this is just an elaborate marketing campaign for clear bra straps.
 
Maggie Gyllenhaal Has Her Own Vibrator Swap Program Top
If you ever get a promotional e-mail from a site called Netdix, you can send your complaints to Maggie Gyllenhaal for putting ideas into people's heads and other places. Maggie is out promoting Hysteria , that movie she did about the world's first vibrator, and says that while filming it several London sex toy stores sent her enough electro pussy ticklers to fill an episode of Whoarders (and a Scientology men's sauna). It was like Clitmas for her cooze! Maggie tells The Cut (via Gothamist ) that she has a selfless vagina and wants to gift all of her friends with nut busting goodness so she lends her vibrators out and they use them for months at a time. YES. Maggie shares her vibrators. Do they even make vibrator sanitizer? What about vibrator condoms? This pussy dust sharing nasty bitch! "By the time I finished the movie I'd been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they'll take them for six months at a time. [While shooting Hysteria] I was sent a lot of vibrators from different sex stores in England while we were shooting the movie. I shared them around." This mess of words did make me ewwwwwww from every body hole (Hazmat is on their way), but then I thought about it. I mean, I became blood brothers with my best friend when I was a kid. Isn't this sort of the same thing? If you're both surfing the red tide at the same time you had dirty silicone sex with the same vibrator, isn't that like a blood sisters ceremony? Or let me put it this way. Let's say you and your friend were both new kinds of drunk and a peen landed in front of you, would you lick it at the same time? You're a shameless whore slut so just say YES. Sharing vibrators is practically the same thing! It's like prolonged group sex for the lonely. P.S. - If you ever get that e-mail from Netdix, forward it my way.
 
B. Coop's Publicist Is The Hardest Working Ho On The Stroll Top
Now that Blake Lively's publicist landed her a full-time temp-to-perm gig as Leonardo DiCatchaHo's piece, they are sitting back, marveling at the bland fruits of their labor and passing their tricks of the STUNT QUEEN romance trade to Bradley Cooper's publicist. I say that because that fiction fan-writing bitch is going at it hard. Case in point: B. Coop pursed and winked at JLo during a romantic date over a week ago and the details magically landed in TMZ's inbox from the e-mail address " bradleycooperisaheterosexualvaginalover@rocketmail.com ." Contract negotiations must've broken down like Skeletor's metabolism when he eats something other than virgin plasma, because B. Coop has wiggled away from JLo and is off doing the heterosexual mating dance with other pieces. An " eyewitness " tells Life & Style (via NYDN ) that B. Coop threw flirty eyes at ScarJo and held her hand while partying with friends at some club in NYC the other night. This mess reads like something out of Choose Your Own Beardventures. "Scarlett and Bradley arrived with a small group of friends, including model Cheyenne Tozzi, around 2am. While Bradley was flirty with Cheyenne initially, after some drinks he turned his attention to Scarlett. The duo were hand in hand and more than flirty by the end of the night! They were here with a group of friends and ordered champagne. The group was having a good time together." ScarJo's rep says that they have been good friends ever since doing that shit show He's Just Not That Into You together and if they held hands they did it as friends only. Okay? But you know, I, for one, love it whenever " Bradley Cooper is a pussy wrassling man whore who licks the ladies" is shoved down our throat holes, because it tastes like nothing but strawberry-flavored Booty Eaze gel and Victor Garber's taint sweat.
 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top
This female star has certainly had her ups and downs. Her career has gone up and down and has expanded over more than one creative medium. She has dated at least three or four famous guys, has been married to and divorced from another celebrity, and is a tabloid staple. Depending on who you talk to and which day it is, she is either gorgeous or ugly. Well, we know one thing for sure: she is pregnant! She is seven weeks along, and you should expect the announcement within the next couple of weeks. She could wait longer, but she wants to avoid the criticisms about her fluctuating weight. She thinks it will be good for people to know that she "has a baby on board, rather than a burrito on board." Both she and her partner are very happy about the pregnancy. Oh, and they will be getting married, although the wedding will now happen after the baby is born. ( Blind Gossip ) Jess " no longer has to suck it in " ica Simpson ? If this is Jessica, it's wonderful news for her, because now bitches who are always measuring up the rise and fall of her full-bodied fupa area have to suck on their tongues when she slips that extra honey bran muffin from Hometown Buffet into her purse and they will really have to chew their lips when she eats said honey bran muffin in the car on the way home. Jessica is usually always eating for two (herself and her feelings), but now she's really eating for two and finally has a good excuse for eating a Fudgesicle in a hot dog bun for breakfast every morning. Meanwhile, will somebody please put your foot in front of Papa Joe as his WRONG ASS runs to the local massage school to get certified in the holistic art of swollen pregnant titty massaging. In the last month you've have seen pics of these two C listers, who are famous for being famous, going to dinner together. The rumor is that while one was in the bathroom, the other star spit several times into the absent star's dinner. ( BuzzFoto ) Kim Kardashian and LaLa Vasquez with LaLa doing the honors? If you're about to say to me "But Michael, Kim Kuntrashian is all A-list," then please go back to kindergarten so that you can learn that in the fame whore alphabet there's only one letter: F (for fail, fuckoff, etc...). Yes, they teach the fame whore alphabet in kindergarten now. This children's network television host has a sex tape floating around the internet. Her hair is a different color and she goes under an alias, but a source says it is definitely her and she made the tape one year before getting a job at the children's network. ( BuzzFoto ) Foofa from Yo Gabba Gabba! (more like Yo Gobble Gobble!), obviously. Or Genevieve Goings the train conductor with the most exquisite eyebrows to ever grace children's television (next to Linda from Sesame Street, of course). This former B lister and now probably a C. The only thing that saves him from D list obscurity is the occasional part and his name. Anyway, the actor has had his issues with various drugs in the past and the past week was no exception. At a charity event, our actor was wasted out of his mind when he began making a scene. Later, he hit on several women in front of his wife and told the various women that he and his wife were separating anyway. He called out to a princess in her 30's by saying hey chick. Obnoxious does not even begin to describe his behavior. ( CDAN ) Stephen Baldwin ?
 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 20th! Top
No rhythm, no booty - no soul. This is Fishsticks' backing band? - dfanintheD Runners-up: If only Michael Bolton hadn't eaten his brother in utero. - rocklobster Although he was musically gifted at a young age, many felt that John Mayer had his head up his ass. - lastdiva For once someone is "under the moon" - Jintess via FiftyOneFiftyOne (Thanks K)
 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top
The beer chugging grannies who each shotgunned a can of the sweet nectar at the Michigan Wolverines vs. Eastern Michigan Eagles on Saturday. Do not underestimate the party skills of two nanas dressed like KFed. They can drink you under the Hoveround. And seconds after this video was taken, they lifted their sweatshirts up half an inch to show off their granny nipples and then ate a boiled prune out of the dude in the blue's belly button. Memaws Gone Wild is what this world needs more of! via The Daily What
 
Birthday Sluts Top
Larry Hagman (80) Christian Serratos (21) Jason Derülo (22) Maggie Grace (28) Parvati Shallow of Survivor (29) Nicole Richie (30) Liam Gallagher (39) Alfonso Ribiero (40) Luke Wilson (40) Ricki Lake (43) Faith Hill (44) Darva Conger (46) Cheryl Hines (46) Rob Morrow (49) Nancy Travis (50) David James Elliot (51) Dave Coulier (52) Ethan Coen (54) Bill Murray (61) Stephen King (64) Jerry Bruckheimer (66) Leonard Cohen (77) Karl Slover (93)
 

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