Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Kris Calls Kim A Fraud, Kim Calls Kris Gay Top

Pimp Mama Kris has gone too far this time in her campaign to paint Kris Humphries as an evil monstrous cunt oaf who stomped all over Kim's fairytale dreams. This cover of Star Magazine, obviously curated by Kris Jenner, is offensive, wrong, inhumane, illegal, goes against everything I believe in and should be reported to the proper authorities. I mean, when I saw this mess of a cover the first thing that came to my mind was that Dynasty storyline about Steve Carrington coming out of the closet after marrying Sammy Jo. The Kardashians and the Church of Dynasty are not supposed to touch in my head. That's like Lucifer walking hand-in-hand with Jesus. That's like serving me a plate of dog shit and Velveeta Shells & Cheese (aka the caviar of processed cheese meals). Pimp Mama Kris' suite in hell better be downgraded to an economy room for this. Too low, too low.

Anyway, sources tell Star that Kim thinks that Kris might love dick, because after they got married he didn't want to fuck her and only wanted to watch sports. Kim might have a point, because I don't know many straight dudes who can calmly sit in front of a TV all day watching a bunch athletes who have pissed on and fucked his wife several times. Moving on....

TMZ reports Kris is fighting back against the four-headed Kuntrashian monster by filing to annul his ten-second marriage to Kim on the grounds that she defrauded him into playing her fake groom. Kris believes that Kim only married him for the advertising money and attention while he did it for love. Kris wants Kim to pay his lawyer's fees. But wait. A source close to Kim (read: KRIS JENNER) says the marriage was also real to her and she only filed for divorce, because she was told she can only annul a marriage if there's proof of impotency, incest, bigamy, unsound mind, force or fraud.

I realize that Kris is a neanderthal who was recently discovered frozen in a block of ice and then was brought back to the living by scientists, but is he really that slow in the brains? Accusing Kim Kardashian of being a fraud is like accusing me of being a dumb slut. We already know. If you Google "Kim Kardashian is a fraud" it takes you to DUH.com. Kris was obviously in on the sham marriage and he's totally in on the sham divorce. Kris is a fraud. Kim is a fraud. They're all frauds and they've obviously ruined our beliefs in true love and the realness of reality TV. Let's all sue them for fraud. Call Gloria Allred!

 
It's Daniel Day-Lewis As Abraham Lincoln! Top

Twitter user @UVAMichael strolled into a restaurant in Richmond, VA today and caught a gift in the form of Daniel Day-Lewis in Shape-Ups, Steve Jobs' wardrobe and an Abe Lincoln face.

DDL is in Richmond shooting Steven Spielberg's Lincoln biopic with Sally Field, Tommy Lee Jones, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Jackie Earle Haley and a bunch of other greedy hos with three names.

He looks just like the animatronic Abe Lincoln at Disneyland, so I say he nailed it. But don't give DDL that OSCAH just yet. Why isn't he dressed in old timey clothes and eating beans cooked in a tin pot over a fire pit? What the hell kind of GD method acting is this? This better be DDL's one cheat day and then it's back to the log cabin.

And because you history buffs want to know, yes, yes, I would. You know, I was about to seriously type that I'll dress up as the cherry tree and he can hit me several times with his crotch ax, but then I remembered that wasn't Abraham Lincoln. It was Benjamin Franklin or Bill Clinton or Thomas Edison or Uncle Ben or Kevin Kline or Ross Perot or one of those other presidents.

via Coming Soon

 
Courtney Stodden Is Bringing Back Classy Old Hollywood Top

Haven't you always thought that the likes of Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Lamour and Jean Harlow would be a lot more "classier" and "Old Hollywood-ier" if they teased their hair into an AquaNet nest, painted their titty balls a beautiful shade of Tang sludge, wore every Wet 'N Wild product available on their face, wore an arm band that can double as a curtain holdback and carried a Fraggle Rock dog? You have, right? Well, so has the porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden.

Courtney tells The Fab Life that she's bringing back classy old Hollywood and stuff like that. Thank EVERYTHING for this. The Seven Year Itch, The Sun Also Rises and The Blue Dahlia are such tacky pieces of trash and they can finally be remade with the kind of understated elegance that only Courtney Stodden can provide. I mean, classic seduction IS contorting your face like a dilophosaurus on the attack. OLD HOLLYWOOD: Courtney Stodden is finally doing it right.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

There's a very good reason for why Tommy Girl's face has a gigantic rainbow smile on it. It's because he's in Japan! Guess who's the tallest princess in the room now, bitches? - Lainey Gossip

Tramp stamp. - The Superficial

Kellan LULz goes from a roided-up Chinese Crested to kind of hot - Towleroad

Crackhead leading the crackhead - Celebitchy

Jessica Rabbit has fallen on hard times - Hollywood Tuna

Photoshop abuse + Whitney Port trying to model = NO - The Berry

If Michelangelo was alive today, he'd call these pictures of JLo and her leased piece, "Abuelita y Nino" - Popsugar

Uma Thurman's chichis went out last night - Hollywood Rag

I just want to serve afternoon tea and scones on Kate Beckinsale - Popoholic

FOX NEWS: Ruining lives one useless expose at a time - The Daily What

Sinus infection is the new deviated septum - ICYDK

Pippa Middleton's ass for the zero of you that have missed it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If Barbara Walters wants this list to make sense, she should change the name to the Least Fascinating People of 2011 - Just Jared

Don't fret, Afrojack, Valtrex has just sent you a Welcome to the Club basket - Celebslam

Maria Shriver gets the Larry King - I'm Not Obsessed

Oh, don't mind Amanda Seyfried, she's just trying to push out that doody bubble - Cityrag

Deal with it, etc... - Videogum

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 30th! Top

via Break.com

 
Open Post: Hosted By The Much Needed Return Of Dollhouse Dude Top

This is what happened when former Hot Slut Serene Branson and Dlisted favorite Dollhouse Dude crossed paths at Occupy L.A. Magic is what happened. Magic! Sadly, it seems like the economy has claimed the house on his head and now he's known as Foreclosed Dollhouse Dude, but he's still got it.

If Quween on the Scene made an appearance as Serene's personal bodyguard, this clip would Occupy My Heart.

(Thanks Ray)

 
"I Swear That Last Fart Came From His Butt" Top

Jessica Simpson is at least into her 5th month of being knocked up (I think) and at this point you'd think that she'd only be able to get around on a manatee gurney carried by highly trained coastal conservationists. But nope! Chestica only needed help from her gold digging fiancé while walking the carpet at last night's Shoe Fetish Awards (aka The Footwear News Achievement Awards) in NYC. I can't believe I am about to type the following sentence in the year 2011 without Papa Joe holding his loaded dick to my head: Chestica looks good. Maybe I only think that because her pregnancy farts are so damn potent that they've turned into scented pixels and have seeped through my monitor causing me to hallucinate. Let's go with that.

My only complaint is that Jessica's shoes don't match her dress. Oh, well. Chestica can't even see her shoes due to the triple mounds o'plenty blocking her view, so I'll let that shit slide this time. Seriously, though, I think Jessica's carrying Beyonce's baby in her tits.

 
Ali Lohan Does Not Know White Oprah The Same Way We Know White Oprah Top

Ali Lohan, the future face of fashion and the frontrunner for the role of Jen if there's ever a Dark Crystal remake, is on the cover of Page Six Magazine for reasons that lie on the cum-covered Kleenex that got tossed into Rupert Murdoch's trash can after White Oprah paid him a visit. Page Six asked Ali about her facial transformation into a Ren Faire Goddess Bunny and she answered it the only way a Lohan can:

On the rumor that she Kardashian-ized her face: "I was cracking up. Because, like, when would I do that? I'm 17 years old. That's not legal! I would need my mother's signature, and do you think my mom would ever sign off on that? No!"

On drugs: "I just say no. I'm lucky enough that I had my sister to learn from. I've seen people do it to her, so I've learned to be like, 'That's stupid, no.' I admire how strong she is. That's why Lindsay and me are so close, because we're able to talk about those things together."

Oh, Ali, bless you and your Paul Pfeiffer in drag-looking ass. White Oprah would sign off on the sale of Ali Lohan to Doug Hutchison for a bottle of Popov and an unused prescription pad, so signing off on plastic surgery is nothing to her. I'm sure the Lohan family plastic surgeon already has her signed permission on file just in case the coke numbs take over her signing hand and she can't operate a pen. And the only thing LiLo has taught Ali is how to lie, cheat, steal and snort with the best of them. I swear. We already know this, but this interview has confirmed that being delusional does not skip a generation.

via UsWeekly

 
Christopher Meloni Might Be On True Blood Next Season Top

Alan Ball's never-ending quest to fill True Blood with more man meat than John Travolta's Scientolohole continues. The True Blood men's gym, where Pam cracks a whip at man pieces while they do a million crunches in between takes, is about to get another member. TVLine is saying that Chris Meloni is in talks to return to HBO where he can proudly get dick out nekkid without censors clutching their rosaries.

TVLine's source says Chris might play an "incredibly powerful vampire" who is a major part of next season. HBO is closing their lips to this rumor.

Every time I blink, True Blood's moved in a new damn character. Characters are falling out of the sky on that show. Bong smoke has eaten away most of the memory chip shoved into my dead brain, so I have a hard time keeping track of all those new bitches. BUTT! I will approve of this if Alan Ball does the right thing by casting Chris as Count Cockula, a powerful vampire who only wears a cape and can only receive nourishment from sucking on the dick veins of werewolves (see: Joe ManJello). What I'm getting at is that Alan Ball better not give us another hot piece who slobbers over Sookeh's fairy pussy. I can't.

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

Which younger brother of an infamous socialite appears in a hardcore gay sex tape that's making the rounds in the male modeling world? (Page Six)

Rob Kardashian's bubble butt bottom can make a top's dick push out a wet orgasm from across the room, but this isn't him. That would be too perfect and life hates us. So that leaves Parasite Hilton's 22-year-old brother Barron? You know, Barron's the one who's like Telly from Kids with a trust fund.

I'm convinced that most of the Hiltons are so damn empty inside that they have the fuck skills of a deflating balloon (see: Wonky's sex tape), so in the words of Valerie Cherish, "I don't want to see that!" (Okay, yes I do.)

During a family shopping trip this last weekend, this D list actor from a famous family took his young child shopping with him. While the rest of the family went shopping for Christmas presents, he stopped by his dealer, with the child in the backseat. (BuzzFoto)

Daniel Baldwin? After witnessing all the Black Friday buffoonery, do you blame him?

Which celebrity friendship – she's an A-list film star and her BFF is a TV personality – is being severely tested? The small-screen pal seems to have crossed the line of alliance by hiring her crony's personal hairstylist and yoga instructor, but the last straw was when she reached out to her friend's famous ex to appear on her show! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Jennifer Aniston, Chelsea Handler and Brad Pitt?

This foreign born pop sensation is making his way through the teens of Hollywood. His goal is to have sex with as many as possible. So far he has had sex with the following teen actresses. B list move actress who is going to be in one of the big hits of the holiday season. B list movie actress who has been nominated for one of the big awards. This was just in ten days. (CDAN)

The Australian Justin Bieber that is Cody Simpson? But in more disturbing and tragic news, why do I know who Cody Simpson is?!

What started out as misguided fun has turned into a really precarious situation for this one celebrity couple. She is a sometime model and sometime reality star. He is pretty much an A list movie actor. They have been together for awhile. When they first got together the woman was recovering from a long time coke habit which she used to stay thin while modeling. She also used heroin but never told our actor. He has always been open to pot and mushrooms but shied away from harder drugs because he relied on his body to get him roles other actors could not get. Body first, acting talent second. Although he has done dram and comedy and action, he is pretty much a one note actor. After a momentous occasion in their life, the couple took some time off to vacation together. They ran into an old friend of the woman and one thing led to another and all three did some coke together. Since that point about six months ago, our actor and his significant other have been doing coke everyday. He has stopped working out and is focused more on coke everyday than any other part of his life. The couple have passed off their child/ren to nannies which they never did before and party every night, all night. Supposedly the woman has also even got back into heroin. Still has not told our actor though. (CDAN)

Matthew McConaughey and Camila "Hair Is Important" Alves? Nothing is sadder than an out-of-shape T-Rex snorting lines off a bongo drum.

Which popular TV chef has been labeled by the cliquish Beverly Hills plastic surgery community as the "Cheap Filler Queen"? The star's addiction to Botox and other face fillers isn't the problem – it's her pushy demands to get her plastic surgery procedures for free. (Blind Gossip)

Sandra Lee makes her own semi-homemade filler with gelatin and melted down plastic spigots from a box of Franzia (Just like some people believe you should use every part of the animal you eat, Aunt Sandy feels the same way about the boxed wine she drinks.), so I'll guess this is Giada De Laurentiis?

 

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