The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Ellen Barkin In NYE Brawl With Cop
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Happy New Year!
- QOTD: What Is Rooney Mara Shitting On Today?
- Sweetas In Shocking Porn Video!
- Here Come The Claws
- Katy Made Russell File Because Of Jesus
| Ellen Barkin In NYE Brawl With Cop | Top |
I was shoved by an NYPD cop on New Year's, too! He shoved my face out of the seat of his cop pants. I like cops. Veteran actress Ellen Barkin claims she was "shoved" by a police officer on New Year's Eve. In the video below, you see Ellen cursing out officers about what she felt was an unnecessary arrest of Occupy Wall Street protesters. Wait, isn't Ellen Barkin the 1%? Look at her, defying her status in life and coming to the aid of the other percentage! In her defense, she DID play one of the best trailer park mommas going. She's done the research, and knows the life. Holy shit, I want a loop of that movie playing on my gravestone. Anyway, Ellen unleashed hell on her Twitter feed about the incident. Here's some heated Twats:
When you made 40 mil from your divorce, you can tell the mayor of NYC to fuck off. Ellen's director boyfriend Sam Levinson shot the video. So, uh, most straight guys I know would be up their with their lady trying to either A) pull her stupid ass off the street so the cops don't arrest her or B) backing her ass up because it's their girl. This guy ran behind a car and started taping. It's like the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a mud puddle so a lady can walk across! The Post reports that, in the video, the cop says "Sidewalk, Miss" and Ellen retorts "Get your motherfucking hands off me". Cougar was wrought! If you Zapruder this shit, it doesn't look like a shove, exactly. It looks like mildly irritated cop wanted mouthy actress out of the street and was kinda guiding(?) her. He did turn her around. Fucked if I know, this was the mildest shit I saw that night. NYE in NYC is CRAZED. At one point, me and the mister were in the thick of the shit, unable to move, and a small Latina woman accused me of "rubbing up against her". Honey, unless you grew a dick, you're not my type. She actually screamed "I don't know why you touchin' me!" BECAUSE WE'RE A MILLION PEOPLE IN A VERY ENCLOSED SPACE! SOMEONE'S ARM IS UP MY ASS AND YOU DON'T SEE ME COMPLAINING! I like fisting, too. Oh, and I'm off to Manhunt Daily once again. This was a fucking BLAST. I was honored as hell to cover for my blogging deity Michael K., and to work alongside talented bitches like the hilarious blogging angel Sweetas and Lahoma. I'm not sure what gender Lahoma is but I sort of hope it's like a cunty AI that Michael programs to cover "Hot Slut". Like Siri's bitch sister! You guys in the comments are rad. Yeah, some of you hated my ass and compared me to AIDS (I think I actually read that) but I did see some of you write some nice shit about me. You pierced my numb shell and ignited a spark of gratitude in my heart, kids. Thank you. | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Jerome Watkins (as played by Duane Davis) - The kid that spent 6 weeks in the bathroom in the movie Summer School! Remember this shit? Mark Harmon is assigned to teach a bunch of misfits for the summer, and on Day #1 Jerome gets up to go to the bathroom. He doesn't show up again until finals at the end of the summer and he ends up getting the highest score. Moral of the movie - shitting makes you smarter! Happy New Year - this year, ditch your job and say you were in the bathroom for 6 weeks! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Taye Diggs (41) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| This will be my second and last post of the day, because my ass has been traveling all morning and I'll be traveling the rest of the day before I get home and shrivel down into a puddle of McDonald's salt and dried Starbucks foam. But I couldn't do that before paying proper homage to the first and probably hottest slut of 2012: TEDDY BEAR! Teddy Bear became an instant worldwide star when he entertained all of us by NOMing the shit out of a corn on the cob while sounding like a baby Ewok trying to gargle and mouth fart at the same time. Then he came back hard with both a Thanksgiving and Christmas greeting. And now Teddy's wishing you a Happy NOM Year and re-enacting your NYE, because I'm sure you spent your night getting drunk on corn, knocking down bottles and slapping at champagne bottles like a true belligerent drunk bitch. Today, Teddy's breaking bottles and tomorrow he'll be beating his assistants with a BlackBerry and getting kicked out of Chateau Marmont for slapping his gayelle lover. We don't need the likes of Lindsay Lohan, now that we've got Teddy. 2012 is truly the year of Teddy (which means that 2012 is truly the year where the most entertaining thing will be a yappy porcupine doing the exact same thing while wearing a different hat)! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Verne Troyer (43) | |
| Happy New Year! | Top |
I was going to start this post by brain farting about all the fuckery that trickled on us this year, but the memory box in my head labeled 2011 has been erased by all of the breakfast wine, lunch wine, after lunch wine, dinner wine, before bedtime wine and during bedtime wine I've been guzzling in Italy this past week. The only thing I really remember right now from 2011 is the ethereal dandelion of my dreams, Duchess of Alba, dethroning that bland basic bitch Kate Middleton as the most beautiful bride of the year. And I also remember chewing on an entire glass bong after I found out that the IRS was auditing my ass. Oh, 2011, you punched me in the butt cunt and then you blew powdery beauty right in my face. Whatever it is you do tonight, be safe about it. And by that I mean, don't give your last name to your one night trick and if you're going to get arrested, make sure the police drag you to a jail cell with WiFi. Because how can I start my day tomorrow without reading your emails where you curse me out for my tragic grammar and attach that picture of Prince Hot Ginge's hard scepter that never gets old? I'm spending my night the way all damn tourists in Venice spend theirs by going to that St. Mark's Square shit. But I'm only going, because somebody told me that at midnight, you're supposed to kiss everybody around you. At least that's what they tell me and that's the story I'm going to tell after I get punched in the tongue for making mouth love to every hot Italian piece with luscious hair I see. (Seriously, almost every Italian dude has a luscious mane that I just want to floss my ass with.) On that note.... Happy New Year! Here's hoping that if the apocalypse eats all of us in 2012, it eats the Kardashians first so we know what it's like to live in a Kuntrashian-free world even for just one second. I'll DRANK (and burp) to that! | |
| QOTD: What Is Rooney Mara Shitting On Today? | Top |
You know, I threw lumps of cold shit at that Rooney Mara (from that Girl with the Double Dragon Tattoo shit) trick when she hocked a crusty loogie of ungratefulness at Christopher Meloni's nipples by saying that she doesn't get why hos are obsessed with Law & Order: SVU, but I'm actually starting to like her. I mean, a self-righteous twat of a bitch who has no filter on her thoughts and doesn't seem to care that she's coming off as a crystal clear cunt? MY KIND! Rooney might have been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she has knocked that silver spoon out with the verbal streams of bitchery that jump off of her tongue and hit her old employers right in their faces. Case in point: During an interview with Entertainment Weekly (via DS), Rooney squatted on the Nightmare on Elm Street remake she starred in and pushed this out: "You kind of learn to self-sabotage with things you don't want to get. Sometimes you don't want to get something but you do a really good job and you get in anyway. That's kind of [what happened] with A Nightmare on Elm Street - I didn't even really want it. And then I went in [to audition] and I was like, [whispering] 'Fuck. I definitely got that'." Megan Fox, please pack up all your shit and head for the door marked EXIT, because your services as the premiere shit talker of Hollywood are no longer needed. I do know what Rooney is saying, though. Like when I was 16, I applied for a job as a fucking bus boy at Disneyland, because: a) most of the bussers were really hot; and b) I needed money to buy a fake ID so I could dance in a tank top at 18+ gay clubs with my older friends. And when the bitch at human resources asked me if I knew how to use a broom and a dustpan, I knew that I nailed that interview (only it wasn't really an interview... It was just some bitch asking me if I knew how to sweep.... seriously). So, see. Rooney and I are totally the same. We take jobs we don't really want and then we talk shit about them later in life. Although, the closest Rooney has ever come to operating a broom is adjusting the stick that is permanently shoved up her overprivileged ass. And I heard somewhere that when Rooney signed up for the first Nightmare on Elm Street, she had to sign up for the sequel too. So even though the remake was as entertaining as slowly ripping a scab off your taint, I really hope they make a sequel so we can watch Freddy filet his own throat to escape Rooney rolling her eyes in different languages. Yes, Rooney's eye rolls need subtitles. Bitch is THAT above you. | |
| Sweetas In Shocking Porn Video! | Top |
Okay, not really, but I know what will make you sluts sit up and take notice! If I had written "Signing Off" or some lame shit like that, you would have yawned, farted, scratched your ass and continued eating nachos in yesterday's t-shirt. Or maybe that's just me and I'm giving away too much personal information. Anygettothefuckingpointsweetas, I just wanted to say thanks to Michael K's Wild Kingdom for allowing him a little break and for choking down my unsalted cracker posts for a week. King MK will be back soon, sporting his beautiful bedazzled tin-foil and garland crown and pink-ribboned Princess Barbie scepter and showing the blogosphere how shit is done RIGHT. Seriously, I had SO much fun and was proud to be in the company of J. Harvey and Lahoma, both of whom I would love to see next time Michael takes a well-deserved vacation. Now it's time to say goodbye, and go back to my basement desk and 10-key (glamorous, I know) and flask hidden in the top drawer so I can stomach my real life job. Thank you again, and now I'm off to work on welcoming 2012 with a scorching hangover, missing underwear and no recollection of the nights events (Godsend, that guy looked like a cracked-out Gollum and had a micro-peen) like the rest of you beautiful people. Sweetas OUT! | |
| Here Come The Claws | Top |
Thank the heavens, FINALLY, something interesting happened. Somewhere between the fifty RUSSELL AND KATY SPLIT articles and watching paint dry, Michael K pulled a little gem out of his no-no that will make all of our black hearts smirk with satisfaction. Celebitchy reports that the World Bitch Slap Championship has been scheduled at the Golden Globe Awards, and the headliners are Angelina Jolie and Madonna. I usually avoid the celebs-slobbering-on-themselves awards shows like LeAnn Rhimes avoids a cheeseburger, but suddenly the GGs are sparking my interest. This battle has been brewing for awhile. Back in 2006, when Madonna adopted her son David, Angie threw shade all over her ass in an interview where she said "Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where (David) was born. It's a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption. Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal." Hahaha that Angie, always making jokes. Apparently Angie didn't like Madge muscling in on her save the children territory, and thought her copy-cat ass should stick to thrusting her memaw crotch in time to her music. Anyway, the bad blood has continued to flow between these two in a passive-aggressive death by a thousand cuts fest since then. Interestingly, the two have never met, although Madonna's ex Guy Ritchie and Brad Pitt were really good friends and hung out every chance they got. So that brings us to the Golden Globes, where Madonna's W.E. has gotten nods for music and technical awards and Angelina's In the Land of Blood and Honey has a Best Foreign Film nomination. It will be the first time the two are nose job to cheek implant. God please, if you will seat them at adjoining tables, I will never smoke weed again!!! Okay, only on days ending in Y. I swear though, I will give it up permanently if MK drunk blogs and it goes a little something like this. | |
| Katy Made Russell File Because Of Jesus | Top |
TMZ says that the reason Russell Brand filed for divorce yesterday and not Katy Perry is because she didn't want her super-religious parents slapping her with their King James. That's a bible, not a dildo brand.
So are stunt weddings. Her parents' values didn't seem to concern her too much when she MARRIED his ass. Or when her first hit song was about dyking it out. Also - someone told me that (no, "someone" isn't me, I was at a Miley Cyrus show that night) at her concert she talks about giving head and her audience's average age is pretty much 12. Smurfette is riding a cherry-picker when it comes to her Christian values. They also reportedly have had divorce on deck for a couple of weeks after realizing their marriage "just wasn't there". They were an incongruous couple, right? She tries way to hard to be Rainbow Brite or whatever and he looks like he was born from an oil slick. People tell me he's funny? My problem is that I can't watch Get Him To The Greek to find out because Jonah Hill's in it. Jonah Hill is the worst. Both versions - depressed mastadon and neurotic Gollum. Didn't have lap band, my fat Irish ass! This divorce story could all be a filthy lie. The real reason Russell was the one to file could be because his wife is terrible. And exhausting. Argh, the costumes, and the wigs, and the big candy props. Desperation Tour 2011. Speaking of desperation - here's where I plug Manhunt Daily! One of the only reasons my Manhunt bosses let me come over here to help Michael K. out was because I promised to throw a plug into each of my posts. Free advertising! Unfortunately, I, err, forgot to include a few. So before they spank me (literally, it's Manhunt) and then fire me, click a link if you like dick or seeing pictures of it. | |
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