The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 4th!
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The Audience Will Be The Miserable Ones
- Open Post: Hosted By Doggie Sunglasses
- A Knocked Up Angie Jolie Walks Out On Brad Pitt For Knocking Up Jennifer Aniston
- Huge Whore Calls Huge Whore A Huge Whore
- Reunited And It Smells Like Ass Sex
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 4th! | Top |
Are You There God? It's Me, Marcus. - Tyroan Runners-up: Eenie Meenie Miney Moe.Catch a bear cub while mid-blow.If he can't breathe, let him go. Eenie Meenie Miney Moe. - Jenn F 127 Hours: The Real Story. - snowpiece via Break | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
In the padded room of a mental hospital in England somewhere is a beach walker muttering out the words "E.T. phone nightmares...", because they watched as the police pulled this terrifying life-size replica of E.T. from the shore. The beach walker initially thought it was a dead body and called the coast guard, but it turned out to be something much more nightmare-inducing. The giant terror doll, which sorts of looks like a fat Larry King with Progeria and Eczema, belongs to 76-year-old Margaret Wells. E.T. was snatched from Margaret's home during a robbery a few months ago and she says she's been looking for it ever since. Margaret told The Telegraph: 'There's only one in the whole of England and that is mine. The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you - it's E.T.' I always knew E.T. would come home. He has lost a finger and looks a bit roughed up. But he has a smile on his face." Uh huh, that smile on his face wasn't a "glad to be home" smile, it was a "glad to be terrorizing you with Reese's Pieces-flavored day terrors" again. I mean, that picture looks like a still from a horrifying and illegal porn parody used to scare porn addicts into going sober. If you stare at that Mary in the background long enough, it's obvious she's praying to her savior above to erase the scene on the couch from her head. Margaret says that the E.T. doll was made for her by her own daughter and she's so glad to have him back home with her. Please. We all know Margaret's the one who threw that monster doll of horrors into the water. We also know that as soon as the Telegraph left, she unsuccessfully tried to shove it down the garbage disposal before collapsing onto the floor and realizing that it will terrorize her for the rest of her days. That's some Talking Tina shit. But I think what's most terrifying is that Russell Brand has definitely found a way to fap to this. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Marilyn Manson (43) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
He's a big movie star. She's had one really major role, and is already booked for half a dozen new projects. You probably already know that they are dating. What you may not know are the facts behind the pairing. It's a public relations set up. She is bisexual. He is gay. In fact, his ex-wife left him because she found him in bed with another guy! But for now, together, these two attractive actors make for crazed paparazzi and great photo ops. Well, that is, at least until their contract expires in a couple of months. (Blind Gossip) Bradley Cooper & Zoe Saldana? That question mark has a slight squint on it, because Zoe Saldana has had more than one really major role. The bitch gave a breakthrough COGS-worthy (Critics Choice, Oscar, Golden Globes, SAG Awards) performance in the art house masterpiece Crossroads. We shouldn't disrespect her like that. Which popular singing duo has decided to no longer appear on their gay pal's talk show in order to appease their religious fans? The entertainers were flooded with hate mail from their goody-two-shoes followers who clearly don't approve of the TV personality's sexual preference. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Ellen DeGeneres and Sugarland? Which male star from The Hills has a new boyfriend who pays him a very nice monthly allowance. (CDAN) Stephanie Pratt. She was really big back in the 1980′s and then her career dropped off in the 90′s. She has a steady, cult fan base who she keeps in contact with on a regular basis. Her fans keep her spirits up, even though she's obsessed with her own fame and image. This is probably why she meets at least one fan a week for a 'hook-up.' (BuzzFoto) I really wish this was born again Christian Vanity, because I am definitely a fan and I'd definitely hook-up with her. And by hook-up I mean roll around in her collection of silk negligees while she told me stories about how fucked up Prince is. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Either Becks is stuffed or he's got nuts bigger than Posh's lollipop head - Towleroad Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are probably totally completely maybe engaged - Lainey Gossip Demi Moore put the skills she learned during all her bikini bathroom iPhone shoots to good use for Harper's Bazaar - The Berry Isn't wheelchair porn the main reason why most marriages end? - The Superficial Crispy Ronaldo's tweezer holder sexes up a staircase in Esquire - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather That dude hired to guard JWoww of all hos must be wondering when it all went wrong - Hollywood Tuna Why did I think this was an old picture of Chrissy Crocker? - Popsugar Blind item solved! Mario Lopez is marrying the Grinch's face double - Just Jared How nice of Selena Gomez to pick Justin Bieber up a Happy Meal - Popoholic Taylor Momsen's raccoon eyes and Brit Brit's old weave somehow made their way onto Reese Witherspoon - Celebitchy I hear that Barbara Walters does this exact move when Elisabeth Hasselcrack tries to cut her off - The Daily What We're living in a world where a mutated herp sore in a weave has made over $1 billion in 6 years - ICYDK Official announcement that Fergie has been fired from the Black Eyed Peas and replaced by this lady in 3..2.... - Videogum Pugapalooza! - Cityrag Victoria Silvstedt looking as naturally gorgeous as ever - Celebslam Someone named Max and someone named Michelle went sailing - Hollywood Rag James Franco is a novelist now - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The Audience Will Be The Miserable Ones | Top |
And here I was thinking that nothing could leave me in a state of disgusted confusion like this NSWFish picture of Charlie Sheen working as a cheese cleaner to earn that 8 ball, but this dreadful musical theater news has beat that shit. Tom Hooper, the director of The King's Speech, is doing a Les Miserables movie and so far his casting decisions haven't made my ears cringe themselves shut. Tom cast Russell Crowe as Javert, Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Eddie Raymane as Marius and he's talking to Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter about taking the roles of Thenardier and Mme Thenardier. Not that bad. But "not that bad" has turned into "OMGMYEARSWHYTORTURE!", because Tom has offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine. Eponine is that dumb urchin bitch who is in love with Marius, but still leads him to his true love Cosette and eventually gets herself shot up in the end. I know all of this, because I was gay in high school. Musical theater was the only way to deal. Broadway World has it on good authority that after months of auditions, Taylor Swift beat out ScarJo, Lea Michele and Evan Rachel Wood. Universal has also offered the role of Cosette to Amanda Seyfried. Rehearsals start at the end of the month, so the entire cast should be announced soon. I'm sure a warm feeling would fill most of our dead hearts while watching Taylor Swift die a slow painful death, but Tom Hooper said himself that all of the actors will have to sing live. LIVE. Taylor Swift + singing live = eardrum genocide! Can't they dub her with a goat getting strangled? It would be more on key. The only reason I can come up with as to why Tom would cast this yodeling broomstick is that he really wants the audience to feel the pain of the characters. You know, when Taylor gets a bullet to the body, he really wants all of us to pull out a gun and shoot ourselves in the ears to escape the torturous sound of her last singing notes. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Doggie Sunglasses | Top |
| Sadly, the gift that keeps on giving Michele Bachmann ended her presidential dreams today after coming in sixth place in last night's Iowa Cock Ass. But Michele didn't leave through the exit door without dropping another gem into our hungry palms. During a speech last night, Michele told her supporters that her husband, Marcus Bachmann (government name: The Fabulous Marcus Bachmann), spent the day buying doggie sunglasses on Main Street in Des Moines. The look on his face had "Oops, how did that dick get in there?" written all over it. It was perfect. FYI: If you ever ask me where I'm going and I tell you I'm off to buy doggie sunglasses, just know that I really mean I'm off to suck dick in a Des Moines glory hole. via Mattchew | |
| A Knocked Up Angie Jolie Walks Out On Brad Pitt For Knocking Up Jennifer Aniston | Top |
The Brangie/Aniston fan fiction written in tabloids has officially swirled into a hyperbole of hot-blooded fuckery and sluts just don't give a fuck anymore. They will splatter anything on their pages. Remember that story about how Sue Mengers advised Jennifer Aniston to get Brad Pitt's sperm when he dropped her for Angie Jolie? I just knew that one of the tabloids would spin it into something truly fucktastic and they didn't let me down. Star stepped up and spun out this tragic tale of how Angie temporarily left Brad after finding out that he once made a baby with Jennifer Aniston. It all started when Angie asked Brad about the Sue Mengers story and he tried to deny it, but later he admitted that Jen got pregnant for a second in 2004 and quickly miscarried. Angie had a skeleton fit, because she wants to be the only one with ovaries touched by Brad's sperm. Basically, Angie has a greedy uterus. The source (aka an intern with a creative writing degree who was drunk on fermented fruitcake at the time) said this: "He had never told Angie this before. She had assumed all along that she was the only woman Brad had ever impregnated. Now Angie is questioning everything, including whether she can ever trust Brad again. If this story was translated into Spanish and you sprinkled a few "lárgates" on it, you'd have the script for the best novella ever. But it gets better. The National Enquirer says that you're about to see the image of a knocked up saintly skeleton, because Angie has a 3-month-old fetus in her ethereal womb. In a startling development, the screen sexpot and papa Brad Pitt are getting the best New Year's present of all – a surprise pregnancy. You can't make this shit up! Oh wait, they just did. No, no, both of these stories are about as factual as factual as factual as factual can be. I believe every word of them. I also believe that what I wrote in my Sue Mengers post is as factual as factual can be. Jennifer Aniston took one of her own ovaries, fertilized it with Brad's donated sperm and somehow got it into Angie's greedy uterus. Angie is carrying Jennifer and Brad's love child! And my 2012 will officially be made when the nurse hands Angie the child and a stream of liquid revenge bursts out of her bulging forehead vein as the new baby says to her, "Uncooooooo." | |
| Huge Whore Calls Huge Whore A Huge Whore | Top |
Because selling whipped cream vodka with that dead slut baby voice of hers isn't enough to pay her barber bill, Amber Rose has pulled out the names of Kim Kuntrashian and Kanye West from the past and dropped them into a probably paid interview she did with Star Magazine (via Radar). The brand new information Amber Rose spilled out about Kim will force you into a state of frozen shock and the only way you'll be able to snap out of it is with a splash of cold piss to the face. So keep a medical team and a full urostomy bag on hand before you go any further. The Susan Powter of video hos says that Kim is a homewrecking whore slut skank trollop who had a lot to do with her split from Kanye. After reading that sentence, you probably blacked out and woke up a few seconds later with sore muscles, the scent of bladder juice on your face and a medical professional blinding you in the eyes with a flashlight while telling you you're going to be okay. It's that shocking! And brace yourself for some more: Amber on Kim: "Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together. She's a home wrecker!" So let's see, according to Amber, Kanye is a selfish, douche hole of used litter and Kim is a selfish, shameless whore bag. There are literally millions of pieces of proof that is Kanye is a douche and Kim is a greedy slut, but I never truly believed it until it came out of Amber Rose's mouth. So thank you, Amber. You can stop fucking that chicken named OBVIOUS and saddle off. | |
| Reunited And It Smells Like Ass Sex | Top |
Sinead O'Connor's marriage to Barry Herridge quickly fell into a coma on her honeymoon night when she dragged his ass to a Las Vegas crackhouse looking for the good shit. Shit was a little awkward since Barry is a drug counselor (Note to self: Ask your new husband if he's a drug counselor before you drag him to a crackhouse on your honeymoon night) and so they went their separate ways. But just like the feeling in my no-no when I sprinkle a little salt on it, Barry has come back to Sinead and she Tweeted about their reunion last night. WARNING: Reading Sinead's Tweets could cause your brain to wall slide against your skull, because this reads like it was written by a horny, handless caveman with a concussion on his head (or by Courtney Love): Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend In Sinead's defense, Barry most likely easied her difficult brown last night and the spasms from her culo veins shot up to her fingers leaving them numb. And she was stoned into another dimension. Both of those things are the signs of true true love. | |
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