The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Lindsay Lohan Sued For Banging A Nanny
- Vanna White And Pat Sajak Were Tanked On Tequila Here
- Tommy In A Teacup
- Brad Pitt Is A LIIIIIAAAAAR!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 25th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Why In Walking On Sunshine Hell Is Demi Moore Doing Whip-its?
- Evening Crumbs
- Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler
| Lindsay Lohan Sued For Banging A Nanny | Top |
If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo. Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati. At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries. It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail." | |
| Vanna White And Pat Sajak Were Tanked On Tequila Here | Top |
On ESPN's Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable (via THR) the other day, Pat Sajak told Dan Le Batard (pronounced: luh butt tard) a secret and it wasn't that his current hairpiece is made of Vanna White's old bangs or that he was the prototype for the Teddy Ruxpin doll. Pat told Mr. Luh Butt Tard that back in the 80s he and Vanna would drown their insides with a margarita typhoon between shows and then stumble back to the set not knowing their vowels from their consonants. So basically, nothing has changed! "Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of. I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good, but no one said anything, so I guess I did OK. I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now." And after the show, the drunk hot flashes would overtake Vanna and Pat's bodies, so they'd rip off their clothes, she'd sprawl out on the wheel, he'd spin it and then poke her with his peen every time she came around. When Vanna had enough, she'd put the bankrupt wedge over her chocha. But seriously, Vanna keeps giving me reasons to hate her. I already hate her for the following reasons: 1. Vanna gets to drape herself in ensembles that are the epitome of GLAMOUR. (Exhibit: A) The list goes on and on, but now "getting fucked up on the job" is now at the top of that list. Although, I shouldn't really hate her for that one since I'm typing this while wondering if my diet will allow me to switch the wheat bread on my sandwich for beer. And here's one of the clips Pat was talking about: I should be impressed by his chugging skills, but I'm more impressed that the pussy wig on his head stays on even when he tilts back. | |
| Tommy In A Teacup | Top |
You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it. If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line. Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo. Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties. | |
| Brad Pitt Is A LIIIIIAAAAAR! | Top |
Prepare yourself to know what it feels like to never trust anything that comes out of Brad Pitt's mouth again (because I know that up until this point you hugged every word that came out of Brad Pitt's mouth with warm arms of trust). Brad Pitt has regularly declared before the gay gods (aka a sculpture of Rojo Caliente riding a Liberace unicorn centaur down a flannel rainbow) that he will never slip a wedding band on Angie Jo's bony finger until everybody in the U.S. can get married. Well, the bitch is a teller of lies. As you and your same-sex partner wait at City Hall until it's legal for you to file a marriage certificate, the asshole who vowed to stand with you until the end will whisk on by with his zombie vampira skeleton bride and cut in front of the line. RIGHT IN YOUR BETRAYED FACE. Because Brad tells The Hollywood Reporter that he's probably going to break his promise by becoming Angie's third husband: "We'd actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren't going to do it till everyone can. But I don't think we'll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment. I'm going to force myself to not get hypnotized by the fact that Brad's goatee looks like an upright grandpa stache and an upside-down grandpa stache holding hands over a soul patch, because there's more important matters at hand (not really). Brad has just proven that he cares about keeping his commitments as much as he cares about finding a shampoo for extra oily hair. (Seriously, Brad, it's not hard. Just ask someone at Sally's Beauty.) If Brad rips the notary stamp off the promise he made to gays and gayelles, how can Angie Jo trust that he won't rip the notary stamp off the marital bowels (Oh, Freud, I love it when you trip me) he makes to her? Oh, wait. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 25th! | Top |
The Fairy Bride Shake Weight was a big seller in Uzbekistan. - clutching-at-straws Runners-up: If everyone had just left Michael Phelps alone he would have stuck with pot...now he's dancing with the absinthe fairy - corinacorina .....And nine months later, Khloe was born. - skabazzle via PIU | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Like something out of The Mangina Monologues, Ken Dahl, the blossom that sprouted up when Missy Elliot dropped her seed on one of Funheart Bear's ovaries, gives you a reason to be thankful that they don't make Rosetta Stone for your pussy. Because if your pussy could talk, it would either recite Forrest Gump's "Why don't you love me, Jenny?" speech to every man who comes to visit (Jennifer Love Hewitt's pussy, I'm talking about you) or it would recite Audrey II's "FEEEEEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!!" speech to every man who comes to visit (Parasite Hilton's pussy, I'm talking about you). So be thankful that you've all got the Helen Keller of pussies. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Wayne Gretzky (51) | |
| Why In Walking On Sunshine Hell Is Demi Moore Doing Whip-its? | Top |
TMZ says that Demi Moore did have a seizure on Monday night, but it wasn't from downing a cocktail of coke, benzos and most of her liquor cabinet like most of us figured. They say that Demi and an Arizona junior high schooler who just got into Blur have a lot in common, because she was inhaling nitrous from a can when she slipped into a semi-coma. Yes, bitch was doing whip-its. I wish I meant that she was sucking fumes out of a Whippet's ass, but no. If Demi ever ran out of nitrous, she'd be walking on sunshine over to OfficeMax to get some computer duster like Allison's ass. The source says that Demi was clouding her pain by inhaling whip-its and she ended up having a sort of seizure on the floor before she fell into a half coma. Even Lindsay Lohan is looking at Demi and thinking, "Broke trash!" You know, everybody's always screaming about how Demi is trying to hold on to youth by marrying a toddler, partying with her daughters and taking MySpace-like bikini pictures in her bathroom, but I shrugged all that off until now. Partying with your daughters is one thing, but drugging like a 14-year-old suburban kid is another. Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do! Hopefully, Demi gets the help that she needs, because going to the hospital for a whip-it overdose is not the way a 49-year-old should go through life. I can just picture Demi with Vicks under her nose and Limp Bizkit blasting out of her speakers. How dreadful. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the sound of Devo out my head by sucking on a whip-it for old time's sake. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
RiRi's new "thug life" tattoo looks like a mixture of dry skin, torn off scabs and keloids. Tupac's about to drop a bottle of moisturizer and a DIY tattoo removal kit from heaven - ICYDK Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson named their kid after a Mira Sorvino character and an Enrique Iglesias song - Lainey Gossip Brandi Glanville: The Butler did it! - The Superficial Gabriel Aubry is really trying to use the "she tripped' excuse - Celebitchy Not even pink frosting can de-annoy Lea Michele - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather It's nice to know that Katharine McPhee only participates in protected armpit licking - Hollywood Tuna Mario Lopez would look a lot hotter if those boxer briefs were stuffed into his talk hole - Towleroad The Carlton Dance, 35 different ways - The Berry Katherine Heigl needs to give Mrs. Cunningham her hairstyle back - Popoholic For once, the Health Department gives Brit Brit's weave a solid C - Popsugar PRUUUUUUUNE - Just Jared When Chelsea Handler isn't talking about Joan Rivers being a bitch, she's talking about 50 Cent being a boring lay - Crunk + Disorderly I bet eating tartar sauce all day makes this crazy's coochie smell like the sink at a Long John Silver's - OMG Blog Two TV remakes of Beauty and the Beast that nobody was asking for - The Daily What Gossip Still better than Justin Bieber - Videogum Drew Barrymore's roots have roots - Hollywood Rag I'm falling in love with Katherine Heigl's publicist all over again - I'm Not Obsessed 20 heave-inducers - Cityrag | |
| Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler | Top |
| The Howard Stern show hosted the latest bitch battle royale between Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers when he had both of them on his show (on different days) this week. Chelsea slapped a trick first on Monday when she said that Joan Rivers was a bitch to her at some event. Howard brought up Chelsea's slight stab when Joan was on his show yesterday morning, and several pounds of Botox melted off of her face as she flamed out her response: "Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she's fine, she's ordinary. She's not a genius. She's an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she's doing okay
I'm conflicted. Chelsea Handler is made of 95% vodka and 5% dehydrated foreskins and I like vodka and I like foreskins. If I was ever stranded on an island, I'd want Chelsea with me, because you know that whore can piss out a martini before you can finish yelling SQUAT! But then there's Joan. After watching her documentary, I have respect for Joan (and I don't even have respect for myself) and she can make me laugh just by calling a drunk whore a drunk whore. So I cannot choose a side at this time. Actually, I'm on Team GTFOMelissa. Melissa is not a drunk, she's not a whore (dating the president of a porn company doesn't count), she doesn't make me laugh when she calls a drunk whore a drunk whore and she didn't even fuck her way to the top. Melissa slid out of the right vagina to the via Jezebel | |
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