The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Magic Mike In The Morning
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 12th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Heather Locklear Is In The Hospital
- Welcome To Beyonce's Private Birthing Suite
- QOTD: Madge Tugs At Lady CaCa's Wig
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By The Return Of Golden Voice
- Move Over, Jodie Marsh, There's A New Fine Rose In England
| Magic Mike In The Morning | Top |
Steven Soderbergh's Magic Mike isn't coming out in theaters equipped with plastic-wrapped seats and popcorn butter that can double as lube until June, but they're already pushing out stills to keep nipples hard and panty cream churning until the summer. Entertainment Weekly put out those pictures of Channing Tatum (that's Carol O'Neal to you and me), Alex Pettyfer, Adam Rodriguez and Matt Boner flexing their cum gutters as male strippers. One thing I've learned from these pictures is that I ain't shit, because I should've went to nipple waxing school and gotten a job as the head man hair puller on this movie. These dudes are as hairless as a baby worm's pussy. Living The Life is dipping Adam Rodriguez in a tub of NADS and wrapping him in a cocoon of wax strips before pulling that shit off fast. Then I'd carefully pluck each hair off the strips, wash them all off and knit them into a g-string onesie for me to wear around the house. That's not creepy. It's called BEING GREEN! Damn me to hell for not coming up with this sooner. And I know we've only seen like two or three pictures from this no-no puckering mess, but it sort of does look like the dude version of Showgirls. Showguys! Steven Sodbergh better not disappoint and he better include a scene where Matt pushes Alex down the stairs and Channing rides Matthew McConaughey's dick in a pool while flopping around like a Beverly Hills mermaid having a seizure.
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| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 12th! | Top |
Justin, please can you show us on the doll where Selena touched you? - charlib21 Runners-up: Homo arigato, Mr. Roboto - ISprainedMyUvula Bieber educates a fan regarding the Kennedy Assination: "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left. Back...and to the left." - GingeMinge via Splash | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Victoria "Viki" Lord Gordon Riley Burke Buchanan Carpenter Davidson Banks (as played by six-time Emmy winner Erika Slezak) - An era ends today as One Life to Live takes its last breath before it's buried forever in the Underground City of Eterna after 44 years and over 11,000 hours of scripted foolery. It will be replaced by THIS. 2012 is really fucking us up early. Erika became the reigning matriarch queen of OLTL in 1972 when she replaced Gillian Spencer as Viki and she's been choking out Dorian and plotting to kill bitches as her one of her other personalities Niki Smith ever since. OLTL is the only soap opera I watched regularly, because my mom watched it at work and it gave us some shit to talk about over the fried lard balls my abuelita cooked almost every night. Whenever I faked being sick to go home early from school before 1pm, I'd get my notebook out and takes several notes as Viki taught me how to look shocked when I find out that one of my alter personalities smothered my own father in 1976, how to look shocked when I find out that one of my twins' fathers is my rapist and how to look shocked when I find out that my husband's stalker faked her own death and then framed him for it. The list of "How To Look Shocked" goes on and on. So rest in peace, OLTL. You lived your one life by spreading melodramatic theatrics all over the world and gifting us with the glamour of Asian Blair. But I'm not going to say rest in peace to Viki Lord, because I'm hoping that on the first episode of that Revolution bullshit, Viki and Erica Kane will run over Ty Pennington when they crash onto the set in a 1966 Thunderbird convertible. And now I leave your asses with a quote from Erika on the death of OLTL: "We were told the daytime audience doesn't want entertainment anymore and that they just want information. Well, that's the biggest load of bullshit. People always want entertainment." YES! Entertainment like this: I didn't have to sniff freon as a kid to get high (okay, I still did), because I had OLTL to give me acid flashbacks and hallucinations. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Orlando Bloom (35) | |
| Heather Locklear Is In The Hospital | Top |
Heather Locklear, seen above at the Lakers game on Tuesday night, was shuffled off in an ambulance to the hospital today after her sister freaked out and called 911. TMZ's story is that Heather found out the hard way that following a cocktail of pills with a sweet nectar chaser sometimes makes your insides weird out. Heather's sister was apparently afraid that she was trying to hurt herself and so she called for help. The Ventura County Sheriff's Department can't say why Heather is laid out on a hospital bed tonight, but they did say this to People: "Emergency response personnel responded to a medical emergency call at Ms. Locklear's residence. Once they arrived, it was determined that Ms. Locklear needed to be transported to the hospital for further medical attention." Some source opened their mouth to Radar and said that Heather's still hurt in the heart about her break-up with Dr. Peter Burns and she's having a hard time getting over it. This is not how this episode is supposed to play out. Sammy Jo/Amanda Woodward is the one who should be stomping cracks into hearts and putting hos in the hospital, not the other way around. Somebody put Fallon and a horsey drinking pool in front of Heather, because drowning a rival will definitely make her feel better: | |
| Welcome To Beyonce's Private Birthing Suite | Top |
TMZ posted a few pictures of the much-bitched about luxury birthing suite at Lenox Hill Hospital where Blue Ivy Carter cleansed the world's sins and SAVED THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!!! by being born. And, well.... Okay, my mom's an ultrasound tech and when I was just a young gay who was fascinated with sonogram jelly (no comment), I'd go to work with her on the weekends. There were so many times that I'd go into the maternity wing and walk right into a woman turning inside/out on a stretcher while going into labor right there in the hallway, because all the rooms were busy. IN THE HALLWAY. I could practically smell the disgusted fear from the almost-born newborn who knew to keeps its eyes shut, because it didn't want its first sight on earth to be that of a fat motherfucker flashing his ass crack while bending over to pull a Rocky Road bar out of the vending machine. Yeah, their waiting room vending machine had Rocky Road bars in it. Kind of fancy, right? But that's not the point! Beyonce's suite is 5 million steps above staring at an old man slowly stirring powdered creamer into his vending machine coffee while a human baby explodes out of your vagina, but it's not what I expected. Lenox Hill denies that the rooms were renovated just for Beyonce and Jay-Z, but they do admit that she christened it. They are lying. You know Beyonce and Jay-Z slipped a bar of gold into those Lenox Hill's pockets to rid the sixth floor of the smell of dried birth blood and random cheese. But this is the best they could come up with? Where's the alligator floor tiles? Where's the hologram of Kanye West telling Beyonce that's she going to have the best birth of all time? Where's the trapdoor to throw the surrogate into after they're done with her? Where's the easel for an artist to paint portraits of the entire birth on (videotaping is for peons)? Where's all of that? This almost looks like a junior suite at the Radisson. How dreadful. Blue Ivy is barely a week old and she already knows what the emotion called embarrassing feels like. If this suite was on TripAdvisor, the first review would be: (H)B.I.C. - "I squeezed myself through a pussy canal for this one star shit?!" | |
| QOTD: Madge Tugs At Lady CaCa's Wig | Top |
Over a year ago, Lady CaCa snuck into Madge's archives, discovered a deformed twin conjoined to "Express Yourself," gnawed it off with her teeth, dragged it away and then adopted it as her own after naming it "Born This Way." Madge never really commented on it until Newsweek asked her about it during a recent interview. It's best if you imagine Madge saying it in her faux British accent before using her gloved hand to wipe away the cunt venom from the tips of her teeth: "I thought, this is a wonderful way to redo my song. I mean, I recognized the chord changes. I thought it was…interesting." YAAAAASSSSS! Like I've said a billion times before, MEMAWS ARE NOT THE ONE! Now if we can only get Madge and CaCa into the same bathroom. Then we can all laugh until our popcorn tubs fly out of our laps from watching one of their wigs go into the shit can: (GIF via Tumblr) | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
RPattz mowed down the tendrils of magic on his head and I just need to ask who gave him lice AGAIN?! (Answer: KStew) - Lainey Gossip If Tim Tebow were gay, Tebowing would be short for tea bagging a ho on a Bowflex - Towleroad Demi Moore is cleansing her vagina's palate of all doucheified remnants of Ashton Kutcher with the peens of 20-something piece after 20-something piece - Celebitchy Minka Kelly respects Jake Gyllenhaal way too much to infect his beard area with Jeter sores - The Superficial The corruption of an innocent begins! (Hint: I'm talking about Taylor corrupting Jenna) - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Jessica Alba models the latest in S&M maid uniforms - Hollywood Tuna Hayden Pantyairs' earrings look like tiny fancy dicks - Popoholic I'd hit it - The Berry Justin Theroux's face looks like it's been to purgatory and back - Just Jared Charlize Theron SANS FARDS - Celebslam Reason #1 to divorce your husband on your wedding night - The Daily What "Hello, travel agent? Yes, this is Jennifer Aniston. One plane ticket to South Korea please!" - Videogum Jennifer Garner is entering her 95th trimester - SOW UPDATE: Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez can make each other crazier without wedding bands on their fingers - ICYDK IN THIS ECONOMY, Jessie J can only afford the thread of a dress - I'm Not Obsessed Sammi Sweetheart's face must be marketing for Crayola, because it's got every shade of orange on it - Hollywood Rag My final guess is Ryan Seacrest? - Cityrag | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The Return Of Golden Voice | Top |
| When we last left the homeless man turned Internet star with a voice that lined everyone's ear holes with gold velvet, he had quit rehab and shit was not looking good. But Entertainment Tonight caught up with Ted Williams on the anniversary of day he was born on the Internet and gave us some good news. Golden Voice is completely off the crack, has a job and lives in a big condo with his girlfriend. The Internet actually did something good! Although, the Internet can continue to do good by sending his Nancy Grace-ish girlfriend some hair shears, because no girlfriend of Golden Voice should be cutting her bangs with nail clippers. via Reddit | |
| Move Over, Jodie Marsh, There's A New Fine Rose In England | Top |
"This is what beauty can be! Beauty celestial the best you'll agree..." are not only the lyrics to a Stephen Sondheim song, but those are also the words that fell from my head like rose petals on a silk pillow when these pictures of demure Irish noblewoman Layla Flaherty of the UK reality show Desperate Scousewives graced my monitor. Nope, it's not a swan gracefully twirling on a puddle of crystal ice nor a virgin flamingo balancing an iridescent bubble on her knee. It's a lay-deeee. Layla (the real inspiration for Eric Clapton's song) left a refined establishment (a titty bar named Platinum Lace) in one of the poshest neighborhoods in London (the West End) wearing a couture dress straight off the runways (of New Look) and carried herself like a true lady (she took an invisible dump on the sidewalk and got into a fight). The pay phone outside of Layla's room will be ringing any day now and it will be a call from the Queen who will invite her over for tea in exchange for a lesson on how to air your pussy out in public while keeping a ladylike composure. "You're welcome." - Ireland to England | |
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