Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

• Mena Suvari Is Legally Quitting Her Husband Of 18 Months
• Hot Sluts Of The Day!
• Birthday Sluts
• Because An Orange Is Nature's Ball Gag
• Afternoon Crumbs
• The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 13th!
• Open Post: Hosted By Sexy Pool Posing Gone Wrong
• Sinead O'Connor's On-And-Off Marriage Is Off Again
• Damn You, Diabetes! DAMN YOU!
• The Time Brad Pitt Found Angie Jolie Crying In The Shower

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Mena Suvari Is Legally Quitting Her Husband Of 18 Months	Top
After 18 long months (that's three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more. People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, "Faticunt City"). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other's faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn't want to pay spousal support and says that "irreconcilable differences" is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it. I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts don't take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. NEWS FLASH! Nobody takes the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. That's why the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage. But really, I'm sure Mena and Simone tried to really make it work. You try sleeping next to a woman whose satellite head spits out the sound of static all night, because aliens from another universe are trying to send signals to it. Besides, how can Mena compete with JLo who is paying Simone (JLo knows him as "Casper") $10,000 to be her kept bitch?
Hot Sluts Of The Day!	Top
The Sagal Twins! With their Brenda Walsh haircuts (more like Brenda Walsh had a Sagal Twins haircut) and their touch of Winnie Cooper faces (more like Winnie Cooper had a touch of Sagal Twins face), Jean and Liz Sagal took the early 80s BY STORM by a light trickle that quickly dried up in the sidewalk cracks with their limited-edition sitcom Double Trouble. Double Trouble was about twins who were nothing like, a plot that was never done before and hasn't been done since! It was obviously TOO revolutionary for 1984, because it only lasted on NBC for 2 seasons before its re-runs were banished to basic cable where I used to watch it on our illegal descrambler box. How it didn't run for the rest of eternity is a question that even the universe can't answer. I mean, the glitter hairspray on half-rolled bangs should've earned it AT LEAST a ten season pickup: The Sagal Twins were also in the underground art house masterpiece Grease 2 and their older sister is Katey Sagal. I think it's about time for The Sagal Twins to give an encore of the performance above at a Sons of Anarchy club meeting.
Birthday Sluts	Top
Jason Bateman (43) Frankie Sandford (23) Mikalah Gordon (24) Caleb Followill (30) Pitbull (31) Angela Lindvall (33) Karen Elson (33) Dave Grohl (43) LL Cool J (44) Emily Watson (45) Slick Rick (47) Mark Addy (48) Shepard Smith (48) Steven Soderbergh (49) T-Bone Burnett (64) Carl Weathers (64) Holland Taylor (69) Faye Dunaway (71) Trevor Nunn (72)
Because An Orange Is Nature's Ball Gag	Top
Masochist vegans who are members of the We Hate Simon Cowell Facebook group have never been more turned on. Simon Cowell's deflated man tits look like a plate of poorly pounded chicken paillard sloppily breaded in stale rye breadcrumbs, but he's not letting their sad and defeated attitude get to him while he lives the glamorous life on a yacht in St. Barts with his fiancee and ex-girlfriend. While you're in your cubicle eating around the rotten parts of a banana left in the back of your office refrigerator, rich ass Simon and his friends are playing with those bananas for fun! To rich bored bitches, bananas are toys! But on a sad note, I bet this is making Ryan Seacrest wipe a single tear on his OshKosh B'Gosh undershirt, because it wasn't too long ago when the only fruit Simon liked to play with was him. :( Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Los Angeles, Paula Abdul is having a deep conversation on her banana phone while a pear transcribes the conversation on a slice of jicama.
Afternoon Crumbs	Top
Brad Pitt's hair looks almost Fabio-ian on the cover of W Magazine. Or maybe it looks almost JodieFoster-ian? - Lainey Gossip 50 Cent is the DOUCHE percent - The Berry I think this is the first time I've seen a bunny make a FML face and rightly so - Hollywood Tuna And yet this dead bride still looks a billion times more authentically happy than Kim Kardashian on her faux wedding day - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather CALLING TIM PEELER! CALLING TIM PEELER! Your long-lost Sasquatch soulmate has been spotted working as a Khloe Kardashian look-alike at a strip club in DC - Celebitchy Tila Tequila wants to become Tila Slivotiz - The Superficial The Beyonce horsefly looks like a Kardashian horsefly to me. I mean, fat golden shower ass? - Towleroad Please tell me Daniel Craig's new SoHo apartment is on Bond Street - ICYDK Leonardo DiCatchAHo's latest piece is totally wearing a jacket that used to be a sleeping bag - Popoholic If each one of the ladies of the Critics Choice Awards said "I'm wearing a dress by BORING and shoes by Unisom" when asked what they're wearing, they'd totally be telling the truth - Popsugar Despite wearing a wetsuit, Lindsay Lohan looks like water hasn't touched her skin in a long minute - Just Jared But can Eva Green eat a fence through an apple (or however that saying goes) like Vanessa Paradis can? - IDLYITW TEBOWIE! - ICYDK How is possible for Posh to be carrying a baby that weighs more than her ass? - SOW When pandas cut their bamboo with weed - Cityrag Toni Braxton's Lupus flare up put her back in the hospital - I'm Not Obsessed Dolly Parton's face doesn't belong to nature anymore, but she's still got it! - Hollywood Rag
The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 13th!	Top
via FunPic
Open Post: Hosted By Sexy Pool Posing Gone Wrong	Top
Before your ass even asks, yes, this is what my family gatherings look like. And yes, the hot piece in the blue-kini is playing the part of my drunk tia. But unlike the hot piece in the blue-kini, my drunk tia keeps sexy posing through the concussion. Tip of the day: Never let anything press pause on your sexy posing, even a brain hemorrhage. And thankfully, no sexy posing tias were fatally harmed in the making of this video. via SayOMG
Sinead O'Connor's On-And-Off Marriage Is Off Again	Top
In case you're wondering, a 5-second-long marriage to a drug counselor can't survive a honeymoon at the crackhouse, an overdose and hate from "evil" Irish journalists. Not even butt fucking until your rectum rips like a picture of the Pope can fix all of that. Sinead O'Connor wrote on her website last night that her marriage to Tenhead McHateDrugs is completely over this time and the only companion she needs in her life is an anal balloon pump. Here's a piece of what Sinead wrote: Ireland is a very fucked up country. Certain sections of our media are pure evil. These people, along with others caused enormous damage deliberately and maliciously to my innocent flower of a husband, purely because he was with me. And so his association with me became something very bad for his life. And slowly since we were married I became very ill as result of what was done to my husband and i was unable to cope. And became depressed.. The behaviour of one particular paper resulted in very serious damage to my husband and myself personally and consequently made the marriage untenable so that it is now over and I hope the media will kindly leave the poor man alone to get on with his life. I will never again associate myself romantically with anyone as I could not bear to see these things done again to someone I love. I have been told by the one paper who tried to destroy my husbands job that it is entirely my fault they did as I don't just shut up and sing. Well guys.. I'm gonna be me. And if anyone doesn't like that they can seek therapy. Because I am wonderful. Exactly as I am. As Bridget Jones would say. And I shall continue being me. If being me means certain Irish media will try to destroy my romantic life.. So be it.. I have ten fingers and a number of toys (not really the toys.. But need them now so maybe u cud all post me some!) Sinead also wrote that she's taking her meds again and a psychiatrist told her that she's not bi-polar. So the ex Mr. O'Connor can go back to his pre-Sinead world and every now and again think about how he helped her realize that the brown in difficult brown is really the Irish media. But for real, who knew the Irish media was that damn gangsta. Those bitches can destroy marriages and ruin lives in just a couple of weeks. Hmmm. Can't they remove their shank from Sinead and point it toward something that's actually made of pure evil. You know, like the Kardashians. It's the least Ireland can do for giving us Bono. We'll call it even!
Damn You, Diabetes! DAMN YOU!	Top
The news the butter and sugar industries didn't want to believe was coming but knew was coming has finally came in a swarm of flying Truvia packets. After months of rumors, our butter messiah Paula Deen is about to announce that she's been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. That sound you hear is butter-thirsty Norwegians diving into the butter lake in the underground cavern under Paula's house. Shortly after the news broke, the sugar industry issued this official response: One would expect Paula to handle this news by punching the Land O' Lakes Girl in the face before kneeing King Ding Dong in the ding dong, but apparently she's turning her 'beeties into MONAY! The Daily says that Paula has quietly worked out a multimillion dollar deal with Novartis, the drug she's currently taking for her diabetes, to be their new spokesperson. Paula is expected to announce this any day now. A source also says that Paula will probably change the way she cooks and the days of making deep fried chocolate noodles with creamed cheesecake sauce are behind her. This just makes me want to weep salty tears on a bar of butter before deep throating it, but how can I eat a bar of butter if our butter queen can't?! Paula is going to have to trade her morning cup of sugar with a splash of coffee for a morning cup of Stevie with a splash of green tea. What is going on? If next you tell me that Sandra Lee has joined AA and has vowed to start making edible food, I'm going to impale myself on Guy Fieri's head.
The Time Brad Pitt Found Angie Jolie Crying In The Shower	Top
"There's a taxi waiting outside for you, sweetie" is the line that slipped off of George Clooney's tongue to Stacy Keibler at the Critics Choice Awards in L.A. last night after Brad Pitt hobbled in saint-less. It was a brodate at the CCAs! Just look at those pictures of Brad making the silver hairs in George's ears quiver by whispering into it. Try to tell me that Brad and George's chemistry is not shooting an Atlantic Starr into your head. Anyway, Brad showed up alone last night, because Angie Jolie was off doing a live web chat with Marie Claire to promote In the Blood and Honey (click here to see the live chat with a cameo by Maddox...sort of). During the Q&A, Angie confessed that right before her first day of directing, she slowly melted down in the shower like Jennifer Aniston when she finds out that she's out of uncooked cookie dough-scented body wash. "I had a complete emotional breakdown in the shower and Brad found me crying. I felt this huge responsibility and I felt very small. 'Who am I to take this on?' I didn't plan to become a director, and I still have trouble saying I'm a director. I just wanted to tell this story and I ended up by default being the director. It was a pleasure, but I wonder if it would be a pleasure with another cast and crew, and a subject matter that wasn't so special." Oh, please. The real reason Angie shriveled into a puddle of frightened emotions and almost slipped down the drain is because a drop of Suave Strawberry Smoothie shampoo accidentally fell in her mouth and eating the extra calories scared her. Angie didn't feel small. She felt HUUUUUGEEEEE! But seriously, Angie's shower time breakdown got Brad Pitt into the shower finally, so it's a good thing it happened. The next time the Pig-Pen in your life refuses to bathe, just have a mental breakdown in the shower and he'll come running to your rescue before he realizes you're about to drop a soap bomb on him.

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