The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 17th!
- Jay-Z Might Retire The Word Bitch
- Open Post: Hosted By Lionel Richie's "Hello" As Told By A Bunch Of Movie Clips
- Lindsay Lohan Accused Of Being A High-Class Whore By A Former Marine
- Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery)
- Yes, This Is Beyonce
- Our Butter Messiah Admits That She's Had Type 2 Diabetes For Three Years
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jason Segel (32) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed. (CDAN) Tim Tebow? And the whole "one of his admirers" thing has pushed me right into Sarah Palin's name! Exhibit: A! But it's not what you think. They were just praying with their elbows on the mattress while wearing footie pajamas with the butt flap firmly buttoned. What rising TV talk-show co-host – who has finally landed her own gig on a major network – is down in the dumps because she's fallen for a high-profile politico who bats for the other team? Her career may be on the upswing, but her love life is still in the dugout! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Chelsea Handler and Barney Frank? Or Gayle King and Condi Rice? This foreign born A list television star from a very hit network show has always come across as Mr. loving husband despite being separated by distance. Perhaps he should spend a little more time focusing on the Mrs and not the hookers he goes through by the dozens or hitting on fellow cast members. (CDAN) Hugh Laurie? But we need to leave him alone. Everybody knows that absence (and hooker pussy) makes the heart grow fonder. Which famous yo-yo dieter plumped up to become the spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program? The singer/actress was in dire need of a quick career boost – and the high-profile campaign was the best way to get back in the limelight to create some buzz for her planned career comeback! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Jessica Simpson? But this is a good thing, because somebody needs to eat sweetened lard cake with corn syrup frosting now that Paula Deen can't. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
When bad wigs, bad Photoshop and bad sex posing happens to good people. If it wasn't for Michelle Williams' belly button, I'd totally think she was wearing a bikini t-shirt - Celebitchy This picture of Demi Moore and Madge looks like the official cougar family crest - Lainey Gossip Jesus take the wheel and drive directly into the office of who ever is in charge of casting the Elizabeth Taylor biopic - The Superficial PRESSED: David Furnish still is - Towleroad RiRi is continuing to enjoy all the grade A good shit Hawaii has to offer - Hollywood Tuna You know it's time to stop the bathroom bikini shoots when even your mirror is starting to cry - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Taylor Swift shows us what Steve Nicks' old wardrobe and a high-powered flat iron can do - The Berry DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!! - The Daily What Chris Pine dyed his hair the exact shade of mine after a date with a Sun-In bottle and a blow dryer - Just Jared At first glance, I thought SamRo grew her hair out - SOW So I guess getting that jacked-up prison tattoo of Avril's name wasn't such a good idea after all, BRODY - ICYDK The moment when hundreds of pounds of frozen Jamba Juice fruit barfed out their insides at the same time - Popsugar The most adorable constipated puppy ever - Cityrag The greatest mystery of the Golden Globes (not who snipped Ricky Gervais' balls) solved! - Videogum RiRi's new Armani ads - Popoholic Dita Von Teese's backup dancers need less Lady CaCa in their lives - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 17th! | Top |
via Flavorwire | |
| Jay-Z Might Retire The Word Bitch | Top |
NME posted a poem they say Jay-Z wrote about how the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy Carter has inspired him to stick a bitch word filter on the tip of his tongue. Jay-Z, who has said in the past that he regrets some of the lyrics about women in his old songs, will have to find a new word to rhyme with "rich" and now has an even 100 problems. As Fishsticks Paltrow smiles knowing that her official title in the Carter household has been upgraded from "That Annoying Bitch Again?" to "That Annoying Cunt Again?", read a piece of Jay-Z's oh so noble poem: "Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn't think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it". Vibe is squinting at this poem, though, because they're not sure it has come from the mind of Jay-Z since he hasn't splattered it all over his website. But if this is true, then please oh please let the first words out of B.I.C.'s mouth to Jay-Z be: YOU BITCH! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Lionel Richie's "Hello" As Told By A Bunch Of Movie Clips | Top |
| You know how in The Bodyguard, Whitney Houston's stalker writes her creepy ass letters using the cut out words from magazines, newspaper and shit like that? Well, this is like the musical video version of that and it's made me grateful for people who turn the time on their hands into glorious shit like this. If I got this in the mail, I'd take out a restraining order against the sender, but before doing so I'd nominate this for an Internet Award in Achievement in YES!!! Making. And just like in real life, Sharon Stone as a conniving villain cunt from the future gets the final Hello. via Gawker | |
| Lindsay Lohan Accused Of Being A High-Class Whore By A Former Marine | Top |
The late Elizabeth Taylor's effort to possess the body of Judge Stephanie before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to Death Row so she can't barf all over the image of La Liz in a new Lifetime biopic failed today. Because LiLo was in court for another probation hearing and Judge Stephanie slipped on a Hazmat-made rubber glove to pat her head for doing what she's supposed to do. BORING! But the day wasn't completely a loss, because right before LiLo strolled into court, a process server served her with a reasonable and accurate lawsuit. No, Sebastian Bach is not suing LiLo for stealing his 2010 look. A man named Thomas A. Green is suing LiLo for $300,000 claiming she went back on a business deal with him, because he was close to uncovering the truth about her involvement in the death of Osama Bin Laden. Naturally. TMZ says that the 12 page, handwritten lawsuit looks about as crazy as a letter to a fan Lindsay Lohan writes on the back of a cocktail napkin after one of the voices in her head tells her that the potted plant in the corner wants an autograph. Thomas, a former U.S. marine who regularly has hallucinations, writes in the lawsuit that during a Facebook conversation with LiLo, she said she would help to promote his dot-com business. When LiLo started tip toeing away from the deal, Thomas found out that she had a huge part in the killing of Bin Laden and is a high-class prostitution whore. Thomas scribbled this in the lawsuit: "[Thomas] set out to command [Lohan] to twitter and stated if [Lohan] acknowledges this is an Osoma Bin Ladden op all civilians in past wrong doing will receive clemency. TMZ also called him a delusional crazy and White Oprah resembles that comment! You know, I was mad at TMZ for calling this absolutely sane man "delusional," but then I read the part where Thomas refers to LiLo as a "high end" prostitute. HIGH END? That's like saying rust water from a toilet tank is top shelf liquor. The only way LiLo can use the words "high end" in her escort ad is if she means that you have to sprinkle a little coke on her b-hole before you stick it in. There really is a fine line between a Lohan and a delusional sometimes-homeless crazy person, and LiLo snorted up that line a long time ago, so White Oprah should adopt this dude. They need to put their differences aside, because delusional crazies belong together. | |
| Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery) | Top |
The late-in-life lesbianface grandma formerly known as one of the hottest pieces in the 1976 Olympics has been open about the fact that he stretched his face in the name of undignified youth to fit in with the other melted dildo faces in the Kardashian family. But at the Mavericks vs. Lakers game in L.A. last night, Bruce Jenner kept his lips shut about the new trail of stitches along the side of his face and it's got the likes of USA Today asking if he went into the family plastic surgeon's office for another pulled pork special. I've seen enough episodes of The Swan, Bridalplasty, Dr. 90210, Joan & Melissa and Extreme Makeover to know those stitches aren't from plastic surgery. Yes, I think Bruce Jenner wants his face to slowly morph into that of a freeze dried Billie Jean King, but I don't think those stitches on his face are from a surgery to get him there. Those stitches are from something else. Bruce probably had a biopsy, or a mole removal, or he actually spilled a little Arby's horsey sauce on his cheek and Khloe was a little too rough when she nom nom nom-ed it up. Or maybe it is a plastic surgery scar after all. Pimp Mama Kris wants to keep all the cash in her pimp cup and after a crash course in face cutting (three episodes of Nip/Tuck), a trip to Toys 'R Us to buy Baby's First Plastic Surgery Kit and a certificate from Oneal Ron Morris' Academy of Bootleg Surgery, Dr. Baby Mason did Bruce Jenner's second facelift. It's about time that Baby Mason gets off his lazy diapered ass to start practicing the family's black magic art of scamming for a dollar. As Pimp Mama Kris always says, there is no such thing as a free lunch! But there is such thing as a hot lunch with Kim and you'll have to see Kris to negotiate fees for that. UPDATE: That was fast. Bruce tells TMZ that his doctor determined that a smell red mark on his face was cancerous. They removed it and now he's cancer-free, but has to keep his face shaded when he's out in the sun. | |
| Yes, This Is Beyonce | Top |
A natural reaction to this new promo picture for Beyonce's last album is:
Because that looks like Beyonce as much as this pasty fat blob of depressing feelings over my stomach looks like Serena Williams' 10-pack. But some bitches aren't mad because the "Harpo, who dis woman?" Photoshop tool was abused during the making of this picture. They're mad because they say Beyonce was whitewashed AGAIN. Over three years ago, L'Oreal was accused of giving Beyonce "Too many black and Asian children grow up understanding the sad truth that to have dark skin is to be somehow inferior. Of course, black and Asian parents work hard to give their children a positive self-image and confidence in their appearance, despite the cultural forces stacked against them. But when black celebrities appear to deny their heritage by trying to make themselves look white, I despair for the youngsters who see those images." But the DM also spoke to some "expert" who said that Beyonce's lighter skin color in the picture above could be from bright lights on her face and shit. To me, that's exactly what's going on here. It's just a light! Specifically, it's just Beyonce glowing inside from the illuminated seed of infinite light that Jay-Z jizzed into her. Either that or Beyonce was too busy shopping for South American baby ovens at the time of this photo shoot and so she asked my Cuban friend Armando to do his best Kylie Minogue drag for this picture. (New York GIF via RealityTVGifs) | |
| Our Butter Messiah Admits That She's Had Type 2 Diabetes For Three Years | Top |
In the past three years, I've watched Paula Deen take bites from deliciousness like deep fried bacon-wrapped Zingers and deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza, and now I'm barely learning that that those deep fried bacon-wrapped dishes of deliciousness were probably made with 10 bags of sugar instead of 20! Because Paula Deen admitted on Today (via People) this morning that the not-so-shocking rumor that she's got Type 2 Diabetes is true and she found out almost three years ago. If you just had a coronary, it's not from Paula's news, it's from eating the words "deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza" with your eyes. Paula says that it took her so long to spit up the news publicly, because she wanted to get all the facts together before she started speaking about it (Translation: Paula was working on her turning her Diabeetus into sugar-free dollar signs by landing a pharmaceutical endorsement deal!). The days of eating mac 'n cheese soup with whipped bacon cream aren't totally behind her, because Paula says that even though sweet tea isn't her friend anymore, she's still eating her own recipes in moderation. "I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. I'm excited to team up with Novo Nordisk on this initiative to show others that managing diabetes does not have to stop you from enjoying the things you love." Paula Deen is a genius! Paula isn't saying, "You'll get Type 2 if you eat my Krispy Kreme bread pudding," because then nobody will buy her old cookbooks and she'll have to change everything. Instead she's whoring out some Diabetes medication while telling everyone to nibble, don't swallow that Krispy Kreme cheeseburger your tongue craves: AND when I Googled "Diabetes and butter," my eyes felt like a butter Jesus blessed my eyes with holy butter when I read this headline: "Got Diabetes? Eat More Butter!" Dairy cows no longer have to wander around the fields wondering what is going to become of them, because Paula and butter are stronger then ever. Also, if watching that clip gave you a temporary case of Diabetes in the eyes, just smear a whole stick of butter on them and call it good. | |
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