The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Huge Whore Calls Huge Whore A Huge Whore
- Reunited And It Smells Like Ass Sex
- Mimi Tweets About Nick Cannon's "Mild" Kidney Failure
- More Like Mountain Ewwww
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 3rd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Dreamboat Doherty Bought Himself A Very Special Holiday Gift
- Afternoon Crumbs
- And Now, Some Marital Advice From Kyle Richards
| Huge Whore Calls Huge Whore A Huge Whore | Top |
Because selling whipped cream vodka with that dead slut baby voice of hers isn't enough to pay her barber bill, Amber Rose has pulled out the names of Kim Kuntrashian and Kanye West from the past and dropped them into a probably paid interview she did with Star Magazine (via Radar). The brand new information Amber Rose spilled out about Kim will force you into a state of frozen shock and the only way you'll be able to snap out of it is with a splash of cold piss to the face. So keep a medical team and a full urostomy bag on hand before you go any further. The Susan Powter of video hos says that Kim is a homewrecking whore slut skank trollop who had a lot to do with her split from Kanye. After reading that sentence, you probably blacked out and woke up a few seconds later with sore muscles, the scent of bladder juice on your face and a medical professional blinding you in the eyes with a flashlight while telling you you're going to be okay. It's that shocking! And brace yourself for some more: Amber on Kim: "Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together. She's a home wrecker!" So let's see, according to Amber, Kanye is a selfish, douche hole of used litter and Kim is a selfish, shameless whore bag. There are literally millions of pieces of proof that is Kanye is a douche and Kim is a greedy slut, but I never truly believed it until it came out of Amber Rose's mouth. So thank you, Amber. You can stop fucking that chicken named OBVIOUS and saddle off. | |
| Reunited And It Smells Like Ass Sex | Top |
Sinead O'Connor's marriage to Barry Herridge quickly fell into a coma on her honeymoon night when she dragged his ass to a Las Vegas crackhouse looking for the good shit. Shit was a little awkward since Barry is a drug counselor (Note to self: Ask your new husband if he's a drug counselor before you drag him to a crackhouse on your honeymoon night) and so they went their separate ways. But just like the feeling in my no-no when I sprinkle a little salt on it, Barry has come back to Sinead and she Tweeted about their reunion last night. WARNING: Reading Sinead's Tweets could cause your brain to wall slide against your skull, because this reads like it was written by a horny, handless caveman with a concussion on his head (or by Courtney Love): Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend In Sinead's defense, Barry most likely easied her difficult brown last night and the spasms from her culo veins shot up to her fingers leaving them numb. And she was stoned into another dimension. Both of those things are the signs of true true love. | |
| Mimi Tweets About Nick Cannon's "Mild" Kidney Failure | Top |
Apparently, there's such a thing as a mild case of kidney failure and Nick Cannon's got it. I guess Nick's kidney hasn't completely went the way of his music career (aka died a fast death), but it's just lying there, paralyzed and has temporarily forgotten how to form emotions. Sort of like Mimi's twins when they glance at this portrait hanging over her Hello Kitty bathtub. Nick had a kidney situation while the two were spreading their cheese in Aspen (see the foolery below) and is now laid up in a hospital bed. And in true Mimi fashion, she jumped into the hospital bed and forced some tortured nurse to take a picture for her Twitter followers. That nurse now knows how to take a picture while trying hard to control her eyeballs from instinctively rolling out of their sockets. Mimi posted this long ass message with the precious portrait: Please pray for Nick as he's fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure. Nick must have the sicks in a serious way, because his facial expression is brought to us by the letters FML. Or maybe Nick's feeling the pain inside something extra, because his kidney has more than mildly failed after Mimi put that assholian hat on his head for this picture. It'll be okay. That bitch Kero Kero Keroppi owes Mimi, so I'm sure he's good for a kidney. | |
| More Like Mountain Ewwww | Top |
An Illinois man threw a lawsuit at PepsiCo back in 2009, because he says that he found a dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dew. If you're wondering how can a mouse get into a can of Mountain Dew, just remind your ass that somehow Xtina squeezes into a bandage dress that is six sizes too small. Anything can happen. The mouse-finder claims he sent the can and the dead mouse to Pepsi, but after testing it they destroyed it. But Pepsi's defense is that there's no way the dude could find a whole dead mouse in the can, because Mountain Dew is so toxically disgusting that it can melt an entire mouse including its bones. Well, the good news is that Parasite Hilton finally found something to melt the warts on her pussy that have grown furry faces and have started to bark. The Atlantic Wire puts it like this: Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi's lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that "the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it," according to the Record. (It would have become a "jelly-like substance," according to Pepsi, adds LegalNewsline.) I'd be surprised if there wasn't bits of mouse jelly in every can of Mountain Dew. That is a marketing point for their asses. Mountain Dew: Now with more protein! Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass. But seriously, only trash drinks Mountain Dew (cut to you sipping a Sanka with a splash of Dew). Any refined soda-ie only sips from a vintage Cactus Cooler can. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 3rd! | Top |
Damn, Ambur Portwood is looking GOOD! - snuffy Runners-up: Beyonce is sending her fake placenta to the "farm" to live in peace with her fake baby belly. - joanieindixie Well no wonder Gary Busey's dentist charges so much. Someone has to haul away his extracted teeth. - Eileenie McMeanie via PIU | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
By popular demand, I bring you the new goddess of Mob Wives BIG ANG! With the laugh of Herman Munster, the talking voice of Ma from Ma's Roadhouse, the natural femininity of one of those dudes from Work It, the tits of San Diego's San Onofre plant and the lips of a gorilla's anus, Big Ang has quickly become the most beautiful woman (???) in reality television. Who knew that the new face of a beauty would be something that looks like it was made by Dr. Frankenstein out of Mickey Rourke's old face skin, a lip graft from Donatella Versace, a gizzard from a toxic chicken, gallons of antifreeze and four drops of the man jizz Chyna's clit peen ejaculates when she pins a ho down. I mean, just look at her beautifully sculpted nose. Big Ang's got two uncut dicks for nostrils. If you miniaturized yourself, you could fuck her nostrils while holding onto her rock hard cheeks. If that doesn't make you instantly fall in love with her (???), then this clip of her talking about getting a new face in the Ukraine will: Oh, Big Ang, if I could hug you, I would. But I'm pretty sure that if I did that, you'd strangle me with your lips, decapitate me with your teeth and then stuff my head into your chest with the heads of your other victims. I'm in love! via Buzzfeed | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Dot Marie Jones (48) | |
| Dreamboat Doherty Bought Himself A Very Special Holiday Gift | Top |
It's been a while since I've checked up on Pete Doherty and in case you're shooting up with the cold sweats in the middle of the night wondering about him, he's still a fingernail gunk of a mess. The Sun says that Dreamboat was strolling through a flea market in Paris with his girlfriend when his glazed-over eye marbles caught five of the most beautiful things he's ever seen in his entire life: a family of antique crackpipes from the 1930s! I'm sure that moment was like something out of a joint episode between Intervention and Antiques Roadshow. And of course, Dreamy's first question to the dealer was....... "He loved them and said he would take them all – then asked the guy if the pipes could still be used to smoke with. In Dreamy's defense, he always asks if he can smoke crack out of it before he buys it. That should be everyone's number one rule in life: If you can't smoke out of it, don't waste your money on it! That's why I make sure all the butt plugs I buy can double as a bong. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Pax Jolie-Pitt thinks he's hot shit by riding sidecar with Brad Pitt. Please! Sidecars are for amateurs. Maddox would stand on the handlebars while waving a flag made of the mutilated carcasses of a dozen Beanie Babies - Lainey Gossip Maybe Jason Sudeikis can charm Olivia Wilde with his huge elephant leg dick (which I'm assuming he has) into only using her government name: Olivia Cockburn. Why would anyone choose Wilde over Cockburn?! I mean, COCKBURN! - The Superficial The Vanity Fair cover where Daniel Craig sort of looks like a descendent of the Yodas - Celebitchy MiserAlba pushed out a human baby three months ago and this is what she looks like in a bikini. I guess even stretch marks can't stand to be around her. - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Fergie's face is quickly speeding into the "Harpo, who dis woman?" lane - Hollywood Tuna The Linda Lovelace biopic already sounds like a mess - Just Jared Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres look beautiful here - Towleroad Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend continue to dry hump their way through Miami - Popoholic Ashton Kutcher continues to fuck his way through Europe - Popsugar Rachel McAdams in Glamour - The Berry Kim Kuntrashian's bangs look about as natural as those polyester spider legs around her eyes - ICYDK LOL Weed - Cityrag David Beckham's nipples are staying in L.A. - OMG Blog Why drunkenly shooting your roommate is a good idea sometimes - The Daily What The fanciest STD warts I've ever seen are currently living on Amber Rose's head - Crunk + Disorderly Sofia Vergara SANS FARDS - SOW For being a pasty mess, Mischa Barton looks good here - Hollywood Rag | |
| And Now, Some Marital Advice From Kyle Richards | Top |
If any of the Richards sisters should get a book deal it's that spastic rouge stain Kim Richards and her book should be titled: 101 Excuses You Can Use To Get Out Of Leaving Your Damn House. But for some bizarre reason, Kyle Richards is the one putting out a book that literally nobody will read. Maybe the discount bin at Barnes & Nobles needs filling. I don't know, but in Kyle's stupid book she drops corroded pearls of dumb wisdom on marriage and cheating. Kyle thinks that if you should "accidentally" fall on the lubed-up fuck parts of a piece that isn't your spouse, you should swallow that secret and take it to your grave. Kyle and her husband of 17 years Mauricio were on Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) today and she explained what she meant by that shit: "I've seen circumstances with people that I know are in love with their spouse and they made one mistake and I said -- this is somebody that I know, nobody that anybody knows here, 'Listen, if this really was a one time mistake, and you did not put this person in jeopardy,' I personally think you should deal with it with yourself and with God and not go and say: 'Honey look what I did,' because I knew that this would ruin their relationship and their life. First of all, why is this free lunch version of Demi Moore giving marital advice? The only advice this ho should be giving is how to pick the perfect pair of sunglasses to make you look like a deranged bee from the future (seriously, all of her sunglasses are so fug). But I guess what Kyle is really trying to tell us is that Mauricio's dick is covered in the remnants of dried side piece juice. What Kyle is also trying to tell us is that if a tree fucks your husband in the forest and no one is around to hear it, it doesn't make a sound. So the moral of the story is, don't let your husband go into the forest unless you don't care if he fucks tree. Right? | |
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