The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The Bitch Word Is Alive And Well In Jay-Z's Mouth
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 18th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Cindy Crawford's 10-Year-Old Daughter Is A Model Now
- Marky Mark Is Sorry For Saying He Would've Been The Savior Of 9/11
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Neil Patrick Harris And David Burtka
- Heather Locklear's Newest Meltdown Started With A Punch To Jack Wagner's Face
- Marky Mark Would've Killed The 9/11 Terrorists With His Funky Punches! PAH!
| The Bitch Word Is Alive And Well In Jay-Z's Mouth | Top |
Seen here getting a serious whiff of a lucky piece of his ego that escaped out of his butthole and slipped up to freedom through his legs, Jay-Z left Blue Ivy Carter at home with Beyonce (and a team of nannies, and a chef who specializes in gourmet-flavored tit leche, and a choreographer who specializes in teaching newborns how to kick with the beat, and a voice teacher who specializes in teaching newborns how to burp with vibrato, and a gold miner who specializes in sifting through the caca lumps of a chosen one to find D-class diamonds) to hold court at the grand re-opening of his club 40/40 in NYC last night. Had I known that Jay-Z was coming outside, I would've staged a pro-bitch rally and thrown proud bitches (like my friend Jesse, my friend Dr. Jennifer, every Dlisted commenter, a couple of my neighbors and a few my relatives) at him as he walked the carpet. LONG LIVE BITCHES! But there was no need for that, because Jay-Z told reporters that he did not write the anti-bitch poem and "bitch" will still make an appearance on his tongue (insert your own Kanye's booty hole joke here). That whole anti-bitch poem seemed suspect to me from the very beginning and I knew it had to be as fake as the smile Beyonce makes when she congratulates Michelle Williams for having the #10 single in Uzbekistan. "Bitch" has made Jay-Z a whole lot of gold bars and if there's something he respects above EVERYTHING it's MONAAAY HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD. Here's a few pictures of all the A-listers who set 40/40 on fire with their bright shining star power last night: Jay-Z, me in drag, Ashatni, Spike Lee, the Staten Island Peg Bundy and Selita Ebanks. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 18th! | Top |
It's well known that couples start to resemble each other over time. This year marks 20 years for Jennifer Aniston and her favorite dildo. - jazzfish_77 Runners-up: Paris Hilton realized her dream of permanently having a penis within tongue distance of her mouth. - Get Serious Without her makeup it's apparent what George Clooney sees in Stacey Kiebler. - Rocket Word is, Kelly Preston is trying to get pregnant again. - hat_trick via Jessica Simpson's Twitter (Thanks Francis) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Yorkies aren't only good for trying to bite at my ankles in the hallway of my apartment building (You know who you are. Wait. If you do know who you are, that means you're good for something other than trying to bite at my ankles, because not only can you read but you can also operate a laptop keyboard. You should copy edit my crap. Drop a business card in my sock the next time you try to eat my ankles. Oh, and that shiny pink raincoat you wear makes your hinders look fat.)! They're also good for healing the souls of the old and disabled like Lucy from New Jersey here. At 5.7 inches tall and 3.5 pounds, Lucy was named the World's Smallest Working Dog by Guinness and given a framed certificate that she can use as a fancy wee wee pad. By the way, I'm not trying to lift a leg to Lucy's achievements in life, but I'm sure that there's a 2 pound hooker chihuahua somewhere who sniffs dog ass for stale treats on the street corner. ROBBED! But I'm still congratulating Lucy for doing something with her life and if I had health insurance (I know, I know, MOM) I'd go to her for all my therapy needs. I'd lie down on her doggy sofa, look into her black jelly bean eyes and tell her all my problems in life while hoping that she'll put her paw print on a prescription for something mind altering at the end of our session. She's that kind of therapist, right? My 9.5 pound chihuahua (Fat fuck!) would also congratulate Lucy if he could, but he's too busy trying to beat the world record for the longest open-eyed nap. via Metro | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Paula Deen (65) | |
| Cindy Crawford's 10-Year-Old Daughter Is A Model Now | Top |
This is Kaia Gerber and thanks to a whole lot of hard work, determination and tirelessly showing up to go-see after go-see, she has finally landed an ad campaign for Versace Kids. Oh, erase that first part. What I really mean is that Kaia was born out of the correct vagina and is one of the only kids on earth who doesn't cry for Lord Jesus to save them when Donatella Versace rides onto the set in a chariot made from the bones of the children who crossed her. So Kaia got the job! Kaia, who is what you get when Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber mate, makes her modeling debut in the Versace Kids campaign, and Donatella said in a press release that Kaia did so well that not once did she think of sucking the youthful innocence out of that child to feed the dark organ of death in her chest: "Like her mother, Kaia has a very special gift. The camera really, really loves her. Having Cindy on-set for the shoot took me back to all the amazing Avedon shoots we worked on together. It was such a special treat watching Kaia walk in her mother's footsteps!" First of all, I'd grab a vat of holy water and throw it at Donatella's face if she put socks AND sandals on my child's feet. Socks and sandals are only okay if you're a Riverside County frat boy going to the liquor store to buy Red Bull and chewing tobacco. Second of all, I suffered through HOURS (like 8) of Barbizon lessons and do you see "Young Versace ad campaign" in my modeling resume that doesn't exist?! This makes sense, though. Barbizon was a BarbiJOKE. Case in point: The highlight of any Barbizon class was going to 7-Eleven for a snack. We'd take a break from learning how to do the "bite the sunglasses" pose (like this) and we'd go to 7-Eleven. We were all kids with $2 in our hands so we'd all buy candy. Then we'd sit on the curb and eat the candy in front of our professional modeling teachers. And not ONCE did these supposed professional modeling teachers tell us to immediately barf out that candy in the toilet. See, a total joke of a modeling school. | |
| Marky Mark Is Sorry For Saying He Would've Been The Savior Of 9/11 | Top |
Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin' pussy queeahs and didn't have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark's sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd's feelings. "To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention." Marky's publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they're going to need it when Marky tells Douche's Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would've punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Michael Fassbender does the "Please don't go, your genitals are all I need. I'll order pancakes." pose on The Hollywood Reporter - Just Jared Somewhere someone is making a copy of Josh Hutcherson's drivers license (see pic #5) to use it to get into exclusivo Hollywood events (and Vanessa Hudgens' pants, again) - Lainey Gossip Charlotte Ross must have been lying in an oxygen tank full of silica gel packages for the past 5 years, because she is all kinds of well preserved - Hollywood Tuna You can practically cut the sexual tension between Anthony Bourdain and Paula Deen with a butter knife - Celebitchy How to successfully smuggle an 8-ball in your ass crack: Be Courtney Love in a short skirt, because that'll make any TSA agent throw up their hands while saying, "I'm good." - The Superficial Easy for Nick Jonas to say, he's the only straight one - Towleroad I don't know what kind of creatures are clinging to Megan Fox's boots, but we still need to start a fund to save them - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather My mom wore this outfit better when she picked me up from school one day in 1986 - Popoholic Scraping five layers of orange lead paint off of Snooki's face actually made her look semi-human - ICYDK Thor put a baby in Tacky Pataky - I'm Not Obsessed SOPA explained with help from a koala-humping goat and Oprah - The Daily What Rosie O'Donnell also forget to mention that Tommy Girl is not gay, because he likes to go to ice cream shops since gay people never go there - Videogum RiRi looks like her torso is getting suffocated by gigantic spoons - Popsugar Panty Creamer of the Day (smells like an old cheeseburger and linoleum dirt): The Hoff in overalls - Hollywood Rag The bad news for Mischa Barton is that Rachel Bilson kind of dissed her ass. But the good news for Mischa Barton is that somebody actually said her name! - SOW | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Neil Patrick Harris And David Burtka | Top |
In Out Magazine's Love Issue, Doogie Howser cuts open the veins in his beating heart and spills out the story of how he immediately started seeing hearts seconds after meeting his now fiancé David Burtka. I read the entire thing and even with lines like "He's my lifeline, in an amazing way. Without him, I can't breathe" and "I was in love with him before he was comfortable saying it" sending a quiet awww from my eyes to the bitter mound of rotten sloth meat in my chest, I still wanted NPH to tell me about their drunken fights at 3am. It's like one of my friends was farting on and on about how much she loves her boyfriend and blah queef blah blah blah queef blah. My gag reflex can handle a lot of things (wink wink, call me), but one thing it can't handle is hearing about her perfect package of sweet true love. SICK! I am not the one for that. But I am the one to talk to after you and you boyfriend get into a whiskey-fueled fight in front of a bar over some random slut he might have smiled at. That's the kind of shit my soul wants to deepthroat. But if you're not permanently living in a fart bubble of bitterness like I am, you really should read NPH's love story and you'll probably get Diabetes from it ("Novo, y'all!" - Paula Deen). You know it's for real love when NPH lets David kiss him on the adam's apple. ON THE ADAM'S APPLE! I wouldn't even let Prince Hot Ginge's peen kiss me on the adam's apple. That is truly my HELL NO spot. There's this little ditch on my adam's apple and whenever I touch it, a shot of ewwww crawls up my spine like I just looked at those Ke$ha nudes again. | |
| Heather Locklear's Newest Meltdown Started With A Punch To Jack Wagner's Face | Top |
Heather Locklear may or may not be in rehab right now after swallowing a death cocktail of various pills & booze, and Star Magazine says she slipped into a whirlpool of woe because of a fight she had with her ex-fiance Jack Wagner. File this under: Why didn't these hos save the fighting shit for the Melrose Place reunion in 10 years? A few days before Heather's overdose, she brawled with Jack on the driveway of her house in Sherman Oaks. Jack showed up to get a few things he left at her house and they immediately started arguing. Jack said some stuff about her family, Heather said some stuff about his family and all that led to him pushing her. Amanda Woodward is never the one, so she knocked him to the ground by punching him in the face. Before the cops arrived, Heather snatched up Jack's dog, threw it into the car and drove away from the scene. And this is where a thick layer of confusion swept over me, because Star then says that Heather did talk to the cops and told them she didn't want to press charges. Locklear quickly fled, but not before grabbing Jack's dog and putting it in the car. So Jack showed up to Heather's house, they got into a fight, he pushed her, she punched him, she dognapped his dog, the police came a runnin', she came back, she said she didn't want to press charges, Jack didn't say anything even though he got punched in the face and then she left again? Let me guess, the name of Star's source rhymes with Feather Cocklear and they left out all the drunk burps she made while telling them her side of this mess. Heather, slowly move your lips away from the bottle and hand it to me. I can drunkenly write incoherent gibberish for the both of us. | |
| Marky Mark Would've Killed The 9/11 Terrorists With His Funky Punches! PAH! | Top |
It's a good thing for terrorists that this generation's Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn't get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would've never happened. In between talking about how he's a good Catholic boy who doesn't jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men's Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would've served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of "Wild Side." The bald eagle has stopped letting out a "Never Forget" tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky's mouth: "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'" The words "THIS BITCH" are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that's the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn't laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye with a metal hook for no reason, so he's capable of anything. Marky would've stunned the terrorists with his dramatic monologue from Three Kings, and then knocked those box cutters out of their hands with his third nipple before blowing them out of the plane door with his Funky Bunch thrust. Then Marky would've turned to the imaginary camera that follows him everywhere and said America's newest motto: "Say hello to the debul for me." Or Marky would've made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin. Marky Mark does't act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells "Cut!" on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul. | |
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