The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- In Case You Missed It, Obama Sings!!!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 19th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Prayer Circle For Walter Mercado
- Graceful In Every Sense Of The Word
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Baby's First Tweak Out
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- A Double Shot Of Class
| In Case You Missed It, Obama Sings!!! | Top |
| At a fundraiser at the Apollo in Harlem last night, President Obama serenaded the audience with a few musical drops of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" (which is what Fuckery sings to Michele Bachmann every morning while Marcus Bachmann's no-no sings another Al Green classic "Tired of Being Alone" to him). This is one of those times when we should all put our political views to the side (I'm registered as a Lucitetarian, as in Shauna, by the way) and agree that Obama can sing, but none of that really counts because he didn't rub that tree stump at the beginning. Just because he's president and shit doesn't mean he can't follow the rules of the Apollo (aka the rules of life). I think we can also agree that it's best I don't send this to my mom or even talk to her about it, because I get a little closer to full-on deafness when she uses the words "chonies" and "drop" in the same sentence. via HuffPo | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 19th! | Top |
Sally got confused when her mother told her to "dress like she was #1" for her job interview. - Half.Mexican.Wonder Runners-up: If she had a burger in both hands it would truly be all Chaz Bono ever wanted in life. - TexnDoc via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The Virgin Bride Slut-kini! Sophistication, chasteness and bluntness joined in marriage at Kaviar Gauche's show in Berlin yesterday when their grand finale was a white plastic wedding-kini fit for a virginal bride who wants to make her guests sigh in their pews by saying "Let's quickly get past the 'until we are parted' shit so I can finally get parted if you know what I mean" without moving her face lips. Because nothing says "I've been saving myself for marriage" like a to-the-floor white veil and nothing says "down to fuck...my wedded husband" like a huge white arrow pointing at your untouched cherry turnover. You don't even need to spend money on a bouquet, because no flower can compare to your pristine white labia print. Say YES to this | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Evan Peters (25) | |
| Prayer Circle For Walter Mercado | Top |
That soft wailing followed by the sound of rosary beads clinging together that's coming from your second bedroom is an abuelita praying to Guadalupe to keep human star Walter Mercado (constellation name: Shanti Ananda) here on earth. Even if you don't have a wailing abuelita, or a second bedroom, you do now, because the situation is that serious. The beloved creature who came to the planet on a shooting star after the universe decided we really needed a Puerto Rican Liberace was hospitalized in San Juan with complications from pneumonia after he collapsed. Walter, who is what Carolina Herrera hopes she sees when she looks in the mirror, is currently being transferred to a hospital in Cleveland that specializes in heart disease. That wailing abuelita probably just turned into a full blown bawling abuelita. A rep for Walter told The Miami Herald that he's getting a little better, but they are moving him to another hospital since his blood pressure keeps going up and down. Walter's niece said that he's in a good mood and wishes everyone blessings in 2012. Walter's eyes are crystal balls, so I hope he doesn't see the image of the heavens taking him anytime soon. If that happens, Telemundo's headquarters will sink into the core, the stars will fall from the sky and every abuelita will get a black veil permanently attached to her face. Walter must live for the sake of raw silk-covered glamour and that hospital in Ohio must hang a rhinestone chandelier in his room, because how is he going to heal without his daily dose of vitamin sparkle? (Thanks Ron!) | |
| Graceful In Every Sense Of The Word | Top |
Layla, you've got me on my knees and worshiping at your pristinely exquisite feet. You can pick up your cape from off of the floor, because I know that when you see such a refined lady like this your instinct is to throw some cloth down so her gentle feet won't sweep against the dirt of skanks. But Layla Flaherty of Desperate Scousewives (and the newest sparkly charm that hangs on the edge of my soul) is of the people and the Goodwill Ambassador of Ho Shit spread world peace as she spread whiskey saliva from her tongue on trick after trick when she left a club in London last night. Lady Layla not only wrote a new definition for elegance by humping a cab seat, but she also showed us that she's multilingual by articulately signing the phrases "fuck you," "eatin' pussay," and "dirty sanchez" in ASL. Words are cheap when you've got two fingers you can use to make the symbol for cooch. Why is Layla not teaching children?! Our future needs to look just like this. I'd get my dead body cryogenically frozen so that I could come back and live in a world where everyone is as gracefully demure as Layla. Finally, a lady. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
STONED: Brad Pitt is, and I'm starting to think that "beard" around his face is actually silver haze marijuana - Just Jared Maybe lady beater Michael Fassbender suffocates his bulge in jeggings - Lainey Gossip Maybe lady beater Michael Fassbender makes his best "What me? A maybe lady beater?" pose in The Hollywood Reporter - Towleroad Matt Damon's bromance with Ben Affleck just got punched out by Thor's mighty nipples - The Superficial About three seconds in I got a quick tingle in the nips from thinking this was Macaulay Culkin in drag - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather W Magazine's annual "Actors with Freshly Fucked Hair" spread - The Berry That explains the lipstick - Celebitchy The bigger story here is that Avril Lavigne is getting way too old for this "using LUV instead of love" shit - ICYDK And the top of Adriana Lima's dress was covered in red lipstick marks (aka Xtina skid marks) by the end of the night - Popoholic Jessica Simpson looks like an exploding Rorschach test - Popsugar Another one eats the curb - OMG Blog Juliet just kicked Rebecca Black into Saturday - The Daily What Megan Fox is a master of disguise - Hollywood Tuna No, no, no, it's more like the Taj Mahal visits Oprah - I'm Not Obsessed Andre Leon Talley's church shoes are taking me directly to the altar - Crunk + Disorderly Somebody really should've told that Ferrari if that it rolled back it would've receive a thousand purple hearts - Hollywood Rag Miley Cyrus is a stupid bitch, because lunch time lipo costs less than that - Celebslam When crazy gets inked on crazy - Cityrag | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Baby's First Tweak Out | Top |
| I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this information, but now I know that a newborn hearing a long-winded mouth fart makes the same face I make when I'm tweaking while watching someone eat Pop Rocks (It's like they're eating invisible fireworks!). Newborns and tweakers have even more in common. They're the only ones who are okay with resting their heads on a pair of JORTS! via Buzzfeed | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
She's off her meds, and it's not good. She has returned to the very behavior that got her into so much trouble in the first place, including the drugs and the alcohol and the self-harming. It's almost surreal to hear her spout absolute bullshit about being healthy and happy and sober when she is exactly the opposite. In fact, just a week ago she was out at some madhouse of a bar, drunk off her ass, doing multiple shots and snorting coke in the bathroom. Let's cut to the chase, and get more direct: Look, we know that you and your friends are reading this. It is absolute madness for you to think that this will end well. You are a beautiful and talented girl, but you ARE going to lose your fans and your career and probably your life if you keep this up. Remember how upset one of your siblings was when someone picked on them? Do you realize how much more emotionally destroyed they would be if you actually died? You should think about that, because that is exactly where you are heading right now. We don't care if you lie to people about what your problems are. We don't care if you pretend that you are going on vacation. Just get yourself back into rehab (or treatment, if it makes you feel better to call it that), and get well. Now. (Blind Gossip) DAMN. Am I the only who got shades of Tyra's melodramatic WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU speech? I need a shot of coke and a line of booze after reading that. I'm not even a cutter or a snorter (only neti pot water) and I feel like maybe I need to check into rehab. Which B list celebrity couple who have been together for a while, has an open marriage where they 'trade spouses' with this C list actress married to a B list musician? (BuzzFoto) B list couple = Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell? Which squeaky-clean actor's drug habit is so bad, he's starting to get a reputation and be passed over for big roles? (Page Six) Topher Grace! This former almost A list R&B singer who is still gorgeous, but has not had a hit in awhile and has been in this space before has been the go to person for when this married A+ rapper who has also been in this space before has needed to relax for the past few months because his celebrity wife does not want to help him relax. Is it any surprise that everyone thinks her next album will do really well. I guess she is taking very good care of him. (CDAN) Ashanti & Jay-Z? | |
| A Double Shot Of Class | Top |
The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple. Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time. That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!
Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!! | |
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