Friday, January 27, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

In honor of Australia Day, I thought I would make this blind item Australian. This actress is formerly A list, but now a good solid B. Back in the day when she got her role that made her internationally famous she got the role by sleeping with not just the casting director, but also this rounadabout Australian who was a friend of the director and was already bored with his wife. A further clue is this actress got naked in the movie for which she was cast. (CDAN)

The B-lister: Nicole Kidman?
The movie: Dead Calm?
The roundabout Australian: I'm thinking that "roundabout" Australian means that he wasn't born an Australian, but he somehow fell into being Australian. Sort of like this one asshole I used to hookup with who told me that he was with ladies through most of his life and then one day he got drunk, fell into a man anus peen first, realized he loved it and then magically turned gay. A roundabout gay! (Not-so-fun-fact: He went back to vagina after me.) On that note, I'll guess Mel Gibson?

And I really wish Nicole would go back to the overgrown Annie fro.

A pregnancy in a family is normally happy news. Not so much for this over-30 actress. She is pregnant again, but unsure whether or not she wants to carry this baby to term. You see, she was planning on asking her husband for a divorce this year, and another baby with him was just not part of the plan. She told her friends that her reaction when she saw the positive pregnancy test was "Oh, no! Not another one!" She is only about 4 weeks along, so there is still plenty of time to decide. And since they have lots of money and are already good parents to their existing child/ren, keeping the baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But she really needs to tell her husband first. That's right: you know about the pregnancy before he does. (Blind Gossip)

Gwen Stefani is only an actress if the definition for actress suddenly traded places with the definition for singer, so it's not her. Stepford Katie's vagina has a Scientology-made chastity belt over it and the Scientology scientists will only open it to knock her up again with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm and she's still got a few years left on her contract, so it can't be her either. This might be GOOPY Paltrow. But I'm not sure if they even get down like that anymore, because every time they try she gets the Master Cleanse wet shits again.

Her significant other tricked her, plain and simple. This B+ movie actress who has been nominated for the biggest of the big awards has been involved in a relationship with this almost A list movie actor. He has cheated. Lots. They even took a month long break. Then he came back to her and apologized and she made him tell her who he had been cheating with and he promised to remove the woman from her life. He has. So what is the big deal you ask? There were two women, not just one and he gave up the one he had already called it quits with. The other one is right there. Everyday. It is the nanny. Doesn't our actress realize it? Everyone of their friends knows it and it is right there but she seems oblivious because she thinks he got rid of the mistress. (CDAN)

I'll just leave this picture of Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber and two possible nannies here.

 
Afternoon Crumbs Top

Panty (the panties on straight dudes and lezzies) Creamer of the Day: Adriana Lima pushes out her titty balls - Popsugar

It's always a good day when you find out that VaJohnny is still intact - Lainey Gossip

Liam Neeson is converting to Islam because they have purdy buildings. Works for me! - The Superficial

Only an Earth God is worthy enough of being Godmother to our newest messiah - Celebitchy

Stephen Colbert and Maurice Sendak need to party with Demi Moore - Towleroad

Vienna Sausage in a purple casing bikini - Hollywood Tuna

The exquisite eyebrows of Big Brother's Tashie Jackson look like hair scalpels made by the angels - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Jennifer Aniston's Beanie Babies don't have to share one room anymore! - ICYDK

Shelley Duvall is back! (I really wish this was Shelley Duvall) - Popoholic

Melissa McCarthy is a Brangeloonie - Just Jared

Bradley Cooper can afford the finest beards money can buy now - The Berry

I approve of this as long as Drake plays Obama as Wheelchair Jimmy - Videogum

Kate Beckinsale's dress looks so soft that I just want to wipe my no-no with it - I'm Not Obsessed

Corey Feldman's date on his right is like, "The fuck has become of my life?" - SOW

But has this dumb fuck discovered the McNuggetini yet? - The Daily What

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 26th! Top

Source: Poison Paradise via WOW Report

 
Open Post: Hosted By Sarasota's (And Herman Cain's) Littlest Hero Top


7-year-old Rita Lawlor was given an award by The Sarasota County Fire Department for slapping the life back into her mother with a slice of pizza. Just when I was about to get my baby making part snipped so that I can never drunkenly go down to the sperm baby to donate my shit for quick weed money, I see something like this. If I passed out right now, my dog would eat the pizza AND my face. Children (when teamed up with pizza) save lives!

via Buzzfeed

 
Memoirs Of A Stunt Queen: Vanessa Hudgens Almost Falls Out Of Her Top In Front Of The Paparazzi Top

Since promising the paparazzi yet another set of 10 million pictures of her frolicking around on the beach in a bikini doesn't seal the deal anymore, Vanessa Hudgens promised them a little something more like a totally natural and not-at-all staged OHMYGAH MY TITS ARE FALLING OUT OF MY TOP LIKE I PRACTICED ALL DAY OHMYEFRON STOP STOP NO I'M JOKING KEEP GOING OHMYGAH WILL A LITTLE NIP SLIP GET ME MORE MONEY OHMYGAH I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME OHMYGAH moment in Hawaii yesterday.

I haven't seen anything this pathetic and desperate since, well, since about 10 minutes ago when I caught myself in the mirror uploading a fake Craigslist "casual encounters" ad so strangers will respond to it with their hot dick pics. Well, nobody responds to my real ad so what I'm supposed to do? Go dick picture-less?

 
Lindsay Lohan Sued For Banging A Nanny Top

If Lindsay Lohan isn't pushing ridiculous lawsuits out of her lawyer's ass, her lawyer's ass is taking ridiculous lawsuits filed against her. Remember during Lindsay Lohan's crackier days when she nearly sent a sunglasses-wearing child to Jesus when clipped the kid's stroller wheel with her Maserati? (Click here if you want to dip back into the fuckery to relive the coked-up memories.) The kid's soul was scarred, because she stared into the eyes of a meth-faced ghost, but other than that she rolled away without any injures. But the nanny pushing the kid is now saying that she got injured and she wants some cash from LiLo.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (which I'm pretty sure is the same name as one of the queens on the new season of RuPaul's Drag Race) filed a lawsuit in L.A. yesterday claiming that she got messed up physically during the September 2010 accident (or was it?). Radar says that Nubia Del Carmen Preza is also suing the car company who let LiLo use their Maserati.

At the time, LiLo denied clipping the stroller, but she'll also deny she's a coke whore to your face while she's got an 8-ball up her nostril and a drug dealer's peen up her poon (or vice versa, depending on her mood). Nubia never filed a report with the police department and this lawsuit is the first time anyone has ever heard about her so-called injuries.

It's obvious that Nubia is straight scamming a trick and she's estúpida for doing so. Nubia is a Latina who isn't famous. LiLo is a white celebwhore who has proven time and time again that the justice system is her personal bitch. Six seconds after they stroll into court, LiLo will be pardoned for EVERYTHING and Nubia will be sentenced to 3 years in a mythical place we've never heard of called an "overcrowded-proof jail."

 
Vanna White And Pat Sajak Were Tanked On Tequila Here Top

On ESPN's Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable (via THR) the other day, Pat Sajak told Dan Le Batard (pronounced: luh butt tard) a secret and it wasn't that his current hairpiece is made of Vanna White's old bangs or that he was the prototype for the Teddy Ruxpin doll. Pat told Mr. Luh Butt Tard that back in the 80s he and Vanna would drown their insides with a margarita typhoon between shows and then stumble back to the set not knowing their vowels from their consonants. So basically, nothing has changed!

"Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six and then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet. They're really good tapes to get a hold of. I had a great time. I have no idea if the shows were any good, but no one said anything, so I guess I did OK. I would be hesitant to have anything to drink now."

And after the show, the drunk hot flashes would overtake Vanna and Pat's bodies, so they'd rip off their clothes, she'd sprawl out on the wheel, he'd spin it and then poke her with his peen every time she came around. When Vanna had enough, she'd put the bankrupt wedge over her chocha. But seriously, Vanna keeps giving me reasons to hate her. I already hate her for the following reasons:

1. Vanna gets to drape herself in ensembles that are the epitome of GLAMOUR. (Exhibit: A)
2. Vanna has a luscious mane of ash blond hair that takes hairspray like no other.
3. Vanna starred in NBC's greatest achievement, The Goddess of Love.
4. Vanna's job is so easy that a fat, lazy fart-brained chihuahua can do it. No, seriously, I have a fat, lazy, fart-brained chihuahua and even he can touch an iPad when it glows.
5. Vanna's face is on yarn.

The list goes on and on, but now "getting fucked up on the job" is now at the top of that list. Although, I shouldn't really hate her for that one since I'm typing this while wondering if my diet will allow me to switch the wheat bread on my sandwich for beer.

And here's one of the clips Pat was talking about:

I should be impressed by his chugging skills, but I'm more impressed that the pussy wig on his head stays on even when he tilts back.

 
Tommy In A Teacup Top

You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it.

If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line.

Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo.

Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties.

 
Brad Pitt Is A LIIIIIAAAAAR! Top

Prepare yourself to know what it feels like to never trust anything that comes out of Brad Pitt's mouth again (because I know that up until this point you hugged every word that came out of Brad Pitt's mouth with warm arms of trust). Brad Pitt has regularly declared before the gay gods (aka a sculpture of Rojo Caliente riding a Liberace unicorn centaur down a flannel rainbow) that he will never slip a wedding band on Angie Jo's bony finger until everybody in the U.S. can get married. Well, the bitch is a teller of lies.

As you and your same-sex partner wait at City Hall until it's legal for you to file a marriage certificate, the asshole who vowed to stand with you until the end will whisk on by with his zombie vampira skeleton bride and cut in front of the line. RIGHT IN YOUR BETRAYED FACE. Because Brad tells The Hollywood Reporter that he's probably going to break his promise by becoming Angie's third husband:

"We'd actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren't going to do it till everyone can. But I don't think we'll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment.

I'm not going to go any further. But to be in love with someone and be raising a family with someone and want to make that commitment and not be able to is ludicrous, just ludicrous."

I'm going to force myself to not get hypnotized by the fact that Brad's goatee looks like an upright grandpa stache and an upside-down grandpa stache holding hands over a soul patch, because there's more important matters at hand (not really). Brad has just proven that he cares about keeping his commitments as much as he cares about finding a shampoo for extra oily hair. (Seriously, Brad, it's not hard. Just ask someone at Sally's Beauty.) If Brad rips the notary stamp off the promise he made to gays and gayelles, how can Angie Jo trust that he won't rip the notary stamp off the marital bowels (Oh, Freud, I love it when you trip me) he makes to her? Oh, wait.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 25th! Top

The Fairy Bride Shake Weight was a big seller in Uzbekistan. - clutching-at-straws

Runners-up:

Mexican prisoners have been known to smuggle cell phones in their rectum, while American prisoners are well know for smuggling coke, and now it has been discovered that latvian prisoners have begun smuggling their guardian angels. - stolidog

If everyone had just left Michael Phelps alone he would have stuck with pot...now he's dancing with the absinthe fairy - corinacorina

.....And nine months later, Khloe was born. - skabazzle

via PIU

 

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