The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery)
- Yes, This Is Beyonce
- Our Butter Messiah Admits That She's Had Type 2 Diabetes For Three Years
- Kelly Osbourne's Beauty Tip Of The Day
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Evening Crumbs
- The Best Messes At The Golden Globes
- Open Post: Hosted By Adrien Brody
- No Invite, No Problem!
| Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery) | Top |
The late-in-life lesbianface grandma formerly known as one of the hottest pieces in the 1976 Olympics has been open about the fact that he stretched his face in the name of undignified youth to fit in with the other melted dildo faces in the Kardashian family. But at the Mavericks vs. Lakers game in L.A. last night, Bruce Jenner kept his lips shut about the new trail of stitches along the side of his face and it's got the likes of USA Today asking if he went into the family plastic surgeon's office for another pulled pork special. I've seen enough episodes of The Swan, Bridalplasty, Dr. 90210, Joan & Melissa and Extreme Makeover to know those stitches aren't from plastic surgery. Yes, I think Bruce Jenner wants his face to slowly morph into that of a freeze dried Billie Jean King, but I don't think those stitches on his face are from a surgery to get him there. Those stitches are from something else. Bruce probably had a biopsy, or a mole removal, or he actually spilled a little Arby's horsey sauce on his cheek and Khloe was a little too rough when she nom nom nom-ed it up. Or maybe it is a plastic surgery scar after all. Pimp Mama Kris wants to keep all the cash in her pimp cup and after a crash course in face cutting (three episodes of Nip/Tuck), a trip to Toys 'R Us to buy Baby's First Plastic Surgery Kit and a certificate from Oneal Ron Morris' Academy of Bootleg Surgery, Dr. Baby Mason did Bruce Jenner's second facelift. It's about time that Baby Mason gets off his lazy diapered ass to start practicing the family's black magic art of scamming for a dollar. As Pimp Mama Kris always says, there is no such thing as a free lunch! But there is such thing as a hot lunch with Kim and you'll have to see Kris to negotiate fees for that. UPDATE: That was fast. Bruce tells TMZ that his doctor determined that a smell red mark on his face was cancerous. They removed it and now he's cancer-free, but has to keep his face shaded when he's out in the sun. | |
| Yes, This Is Beyonce | Top |
A natural reaction to this new promo picture for Beyonce's last album is:
Because that looks like Beyonce as much as this pasty fat blob of depressing feelings over my stomach looks like Serena Williams' 10-pack. But some bitches aren't mad because the "Harpo, who dis woman?" Photoshop tool was abused during the making of this picture. They're mad because they say Beyonce was whitewashed AGAIN. Over three years ago, L'Oreal was accused of giving Beyonce "Too many black and Asian children grow up understanding the sad truth that to have dark skin is to be somehow inferior. Of course, black and Asian parents work hard to give their children a positive self-image and confidence in their appearance, despite the cultural forces stacked against them. But when black celebrities appear to deny their heritage by trying to make themselves look white, I despair for the youngsters who see those images." But the DM also spoke to some "expert" who said that Beyonce's lighter skin color in the picture above could be from bright lights on her face and shit. To me, that's exactly what's going on here. It's just a light! Specifically, it's just Beyonce glowing inside from the illuminated seed of infinite light that Jay-Z jizzed into her. Either that or Beyonce was too busy shopping for South American baby ovens at the time of this photo shoot and so she asked my Cuban friend Armando to do his best Kylie Minogue drag for this picture. (New York GIF via RealityTVGifs) | |
| Our Butter Messiah Admits That She's Had Type 2 Diabetes For Three Years | Top |
In the past three years, I've watched Paula Deen take bites from deliciousness like deep fried bacon-wrapped Zingers and deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza, and now I'm barely learning that that those deep fried bacon-wrapped dishes of deliciousness were probably made with 10 bags of sugar instead of 20! Because Paula Deen admitted on Today (via People) this morning that the not-so-shocking rumor that she's got Type 2 Diabetes is true and she found out almost three years ago. If you just had a coronary, it's not from Paula's news, it's from eating the words "deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza" with your eyes. Paula says that it took her so long to spit up the news publicly, because she wanted to get all the facts together before she started speaking about it (Translation: Paula was working on her turning her Diabeetus into sugar-free dollar signs by landing a pharmaceutical endorsement deal!). The days of eating mac 'n cheese soup with whipped bacon cream aren't totally behind her, because Paula says that even though sweet tea isn't her friend anymore, she's still eating her own recipes in moderation. "I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. I'm excited to team up with Novo Nordisk on this initiative to show others that managing diabetes does not have to stop you from enjoying the things you love." Paula Deen is a genius! Paula isn't saying, "You'll get Type 2 if you eat my Krispy Kreme bread pudding," because then nobody will buy her old cookbooks and she'll have to change everything. Instead she's whoring out some Diabetes medication while telling everyone to nibble, don't swallow that Krispy Kreme cheeseburger your tongue craves: AND when I Googled "Diabetes and butter," my eyes felt like a butter Jesus blessed my eyes with holy butter when I read this headline: "Got Diabetes? Eat More Butter!" Dairy cows no longer have to wander around the fields wondering what is going to become of them, because Paula and butter are stronger then ever. Also, if watching that clip gave you a temporary case of Diabetes in the eyes, just smear a whole stick of butter on them and call it good. | |
| Kelly Osbourne's Beauty Tip Of The Day | Top |
Does having jaundice got you down and has kept you from leaving the house out of fear that everyone will mistake you for a Lohan? Kelly Osbourne, seen here at the Art of Elysium gala thing, has your answer. Accentuate that jaundice, bitch! Just dye your hair a lovely shade of ash, mix together three drops Pepto-Bismol and a spoonful of Milk of Magnesia, smear that shit on your lips and BAM! Then when everybody at the party is trying to hook your face up to an IV drip full of nutrients, shoo their asses away as you let them know that it's all about the "Cosplay Grandma Simpson found washed up on the shores of a swamp after partying at an 80s disco all night" look right now and they better catch up. Jaundice is in! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Mike, the Jeopardy! contestant who totally gave the right question to the answer "A blow to the back of the neck is named after this animal" and was robbed! If you were watching this at home, I'm sure you screamed out DONKEY a few seconds before Mike did and figured you had this. I mean, what is a rabbit punch?! You could tell that even Alex Trebek's sucio ass thought Mike was right and doesn't even know what a rabbit punch is. But Alex quickly made a mental note that whatever a rabbit punch is, he's going to request this act from his next San Francisco Craigslist hooker. (Note: a rabbit punch is just like a donkey punch, but you do it while chewing on a carrot and winking.) via Buzzfeed (For everyone who sent this in!) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Betty White!!!!!!!!!! (90) | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
Oh, that RiRi's just in Hawaii, living the life, sucking on a blunt and wondering if those people hiding in the bushes are real life or if it's just the good shit playing paranoid tricks on her - Hollywood Tuna I'm mad that the script writers from Keeping Up With The Kardashians didn't add a scene where the SUV drives into a quicksand pit - The Superficial DanRad naively thought he was just playing some hillbilly in an SNL skit, but had no idea that he has just become the objection of Tish Cyruses' lady erection - Towleroad Rose McGowan should save it for her plastic surgeon - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather UPDATE: Kayte Walsh Grammer rolled doubles in the game of gold digging - Celebitchy PEEN ALERT: Michael Fassbender's award-winning peen (and George Clooney's best friend) in Shame - OMG Blog Gerard Butler's hair looks like something found in a tin at Panda Express - Popsugar One of the Walking Dead zombies with a body wave and a tan = Cameron Diaz - Just Jared What Rosie O'Donnell is trying to say is that her jaw broke four times from munching so much - ICYDK A side-eye from MLK Jr. on MLK Jr. Day - Cityrag ASKARS!!!! - I'm Not Obsessed Oh please, we all know Quentin Tarantino's favorite movie of the year was Footloose - Videogum Linda Kozlowski Kelly LeBrocked-up her face - Hollywood Rag We don't like it either, Eva - SOW | |
| The Best Messes At The Golden Globes | Top |
Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order. Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy. Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA! Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look. Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver. Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl. Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week. Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation. I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!" Thomas Jane - I did not know that Knott's Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Adrien Brody | Top |
Not since Westminster has an audience held their breath at the sight of a sharp as fuck Afghan Hound strutting on low-ply carpet with the air of confidence one gets when they know every bitch around them wants to sniff that ass. Over the weekend, Milan became hot piece central when Adrien Brody, Gary Oldman, Tim Roth, Emile Hirsch, Willem Dafoe and some other dudes walked in the Prada show. Yes, they all look like vampire lawyers in 19th century England, but what really matters is they look like HOT vampire lawyers in 19th century England. Don't mistake Adrien's pained face for constipation. That is Adrien's worried face, because he knows that his natural born Afghan Hound hotness is putting all of these hos (except for Gary) in the shadows. Adrien doesn't want to hurt people who can't help that they weren't born with a nose that makes you want to sit on it before yelling, "BLOW!" Adrien cares. | |
| No Invite, No Problem! | Top |
When the lure of an open bar calls, Lindsay Lohan can't resist and ignores a small technicality called not being on the list. "Where's there's a backdoor, there's a way!" is Blohan's officially life motto and she means that in more ways than one. The NYDN says that on Wednesday night, the Weinstein Company threw a pre-Golden Globes party at Chateau Marmont and The Little Crackie Who Can wasn't officially invited, but she got in by sneaking through the hotel's back entrance. That Blohan. She's like the Lucille Ball of the cokey set. This is just like that episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy got into an A-list Hollywood party by giving a hand and lick job to a catering waiter in exchange for his uniform and tray. LAUGHS! The source puts Blohan's shenanigans like this: On Wednesday the Weinstein Company hosted a pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., and an insider says Lohan snuck in via the hotel's back entrance. She then "made her way to the entrance for photo ops," where the Weinstein firm's Globe nominees, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo from "The Artist" and Kenneth Branagh and Michelle Williams from "My Week With Marilyn," were being snapped. Bradley Cooper also showed. You really sort of have to hand to this bitch. She has zero dignity to speak of, shame isn't her friend and her "give a fuck place" in her brain has pretty much been eaten away by brown kitty litter she thought was coke in the raw. With those kind of attributes, why is she not running for the GOP nomination?! I'd vote for her, because then every cop car would have a stocked mini bar in its backseat and "F U" would count as a plea in a court of law. Here's Blohan at another Weinstein party last night giving us "Old Lady from Drag Me To Hell" chic and working every inch of that prolapsed rectum on her mouth. I bet when LiLo blew that air kiss, every cokehead started sniffing the air hoping that some of that shit in her nose made its way out too. Snort it while you can! | |
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