The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Jodie Marsh Bravely Opens Up About Her Exploding Titty Trauma
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 24th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Demi Moore Fell Off The Damn Wagon Hard
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Cynthia Nixon Doesn't Call Herself Bisexual
- Open Post: Hosted By A Pilot's Schlong
- Vanessa Paradis Is Sick Of Answering All Your Questions!
- Madge Crosses Her Claws For An Oscar Nom And We All Know How That Turned Out
| Jodie Marsh Bravely Opens Up About Her Exploding Titty Trauma | Top |
This might come as a shock to you, but the finest rose in England wasn't totally sculpted by the hand of Mother Nature out of organic materials. The scalpel of a surgeon and a Hoover Dam's worth of silicone was used to elevate Jodie Marsh's beauty to goddess-like levels. But if Jodie could do it all over again, she'd keep her natural beauty intact and would never allow her chichis to be touched by a back alley plastic surgeon who obviously got off from overflowing water balloons as a child. Jodie told the prestigious British medical journal Heat Magazine (via The Sun) that a week after she got two bowling ball bags full of cooking gel fuel stuffed into her chest, her world became a horror show as her new implants tried to free themselves of her body. Jodie is sharing her story four years later, because "When I woke up, they were so swollen. The first dressing was taken off after a week or so - that's when I saw that I wasn't healing. As the stitches started popping out of my skin, there was no skin to hold the incision together. My boobs looked like they were exploding. It was so painful. There was green pus coming out of my boobs and they constantly bled. Jodie doesn't think her gigantic plastic boob domes look good with her new He-Man muscle body, but she's not going to go under the knife again out of fear that she'll have to suffer through a sequel to Nightmare on My Titties. You can't spell Jodie Marsh without p-e-r-f-e-c-t. No, really, try it. Type out p-e-r-f-e-c-t without the spaces and your system (or whatever) will autocorrect it to "Jodie Marsh." So Jodie doesn't need to change anything about herself, she's Jodie Marsh (DAMN autocorrect) just the way she is. Besides, nobody really notices Jodie's huge tits, because we're all transfixed by the Museum of Modern Clip Art running down her arm. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 24th! | Top |
Bravo debuts the new series "Queer Eye for the Serial Killer". - kari Runners-up: Jason's fab cousin, Gayson Soreknees. - Ikcor A couple of more surgeries, and Lil Kim will get the face she really wants. - parissucksliterally When Madonna travels, she packs her face in only the best. - perky via Break.com | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Kathy Proctor, the lady at last night's Snooze of the Union address who let the two people around her know that there was a STAR among them. As the hairs on the back of Obama's head singed from being so close to two human tanning beds in suits, he talked about a mother of two and furniture industry employee who is getting her degree in biotechnology and earned her PhD in thatsmeology last night. When Obama started talking about her, Kathy subtly and repeatedly dropped a quiet "that's me" into the ears of her seat neighbors and the lady seat neighbor next to her subtly threw an "I know she's not about to tell me that's her... Oh yeah, she is" side-eye. If the president was talking about my ass on live TV, fuck yeah I'd do what Kathy did. But I'd be a little more discreet about it. I'd wear a spandex bodysuit with THAT'S ME written in Christmas lights on my chest and as soon as he started talking about me, I'd make it light up with the touch of a button. But obviously, I'm a little more demure than Kathy. And we can make fun of Kathy all we want, but we all know who she is now, right? So whenever somebody is talking about a furniture industry employee who is getting her degree in biotechnology, we will all shout out: THAT'S KATHY! via Daily Show (For Brian) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Michael Trevino (27) | |
| Demi Moore Fell Off The Damn Wagon Hard | Top |
Ever since Ashton Kutcher broke the vows of an open marriage by getting caught dicking side piece after side piece, there have been rumors that Demi Moore was back to numbing the pain with the sweet nectar and she's been looking like she's barely surviving on kosher coke, hair strands and Kabbalahtinis. Well, it looks like she has been and that shit has caught up with her ass, because TMZ says that Demi was (cue the dramatic music) was RUSHED to the hospital last night after she had some kind of substance abuse issue. "Substance abuse issue" is just publicist talk for: Bitch went too far with the coke. Some police insider tells TMZ that paramedics showed up to Demi's house in L.A. last night after somebody called 911. They looked her over for about 30 minutes and decided it was best to take her to the hospital. Demi was kept in the hospital overnight and she's seen been moved to a "facility" to get more help. Demi's publicist jacked all of us off when they said this: "Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends." Exhaustion? Are we still using that one? I was unaware that we all time traveled back to 2004. Listen, we're all grown ass adults here, so a bitch can tell us that Demi is exhausted from doing Klonopin curls into her mouth and that she needs to improve her health by drying out. While Demi is drying out, I hope she sits on her bed and has a moment of clarity where she realizes that she's actually Heather Locklearing it over Kelso from That 70s Show. Kelso! All this for Kelso. If you're going to have a meltdown, at least have a meltdown over a non-douchebag. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
That swan is like, "I know this bitch is going to write some fairytale ass song about me without giving me a cut." - Lainey Gossip And when Khloe Kardashian and her biological father are reunited in person, he can take her to Ogre Swamp to meet the rest of us her biological relatives - The Superficial There won't be a dry eye at Brit Brit's wedding when Daddy Spears hands her leash over to Sam Merless - Celebitchy Pfft! Disney has been allowing beards for YEARS (see: Zac and Vanessa) - Towleroad The hell kind of Wonder Woman is this? - Hollywood Tuna Even Whitney Port's nip slips are boring - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Hilary Duff's pregnancy is lasting longer than the entire run of Lizzie McGuire - Popoholic That side-eye in the corner says everything I need to say about Michael Cera's hipsterstache - The Berry Why won't Posh let the right side of her face be great? - ICYDK Hugh Jackman's dog was over it before it began - Just Jared Eva Mendes is going on dates with Ryan Gosling's dog now. What does it meeeeean? - Popsugar This dog is an unknown and yet Keanu Reeves still gets acting jobs? - The Daily What Mel Gibson DOES approve of Kat Von Douchebag and her sainted crotch - Cityrag Vanilla Ice goes indie - SOW Bow Wow looks like a Nerf ball shat all over his feet - Moe Jackson Panty Creamer (From The Neck Down) Of The Day: Michael Phelps - Hollywood Rag | |
| Cynthia Nixon Doesn't Call Herself Bisexual | Top |
The soon-to-be Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, caused a shit storm yesterday when she said that she chose to be a lesbian and that in her personal opinion she believes that for some hos it is a choice. Some gay activists lit her asshole up for giving ammo to homophobes and some homophobes gladly used that ammo by leaving comments on other sites like, "One of dem admitted it's a choice! See!" I just wanted Rojo to take me in her teddy bear arms and hold me until bitches stopped screaming at each other. Well, in another interview, Cynthia gets into her sexuality more. Cynthia says that when she was with a dude, she loved that dude with her heart and loved his peen with her poon. Now that she's with the most beautiful lesbian in the world, she loves that woman with her heart, and loves that woman's poon with her poon. But Cynthia doesn't consider herself bisexual, because nobody likes bisexuals. This is a piece of her conversation with The Daily Beast's Kevin Sessums: KS: Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship? That quote seemed like you were fudging a bit. So Cynthia thinks that bisexuals don't get any respect and that's her reason for not identifying as one? The hell kind of logic is that? Dumb sluts don't get any respect, but that doesn't stop me from proudly proclaiming that I am one, because maybe one day we'll get the respect we deserve (we won't). Oh, Cynthia. This is a mess. But if Cynthia thinks she's a whateversexual, then she's a whateversexual. It's her sexuality and she can define it any way she wants. Personally, when it comes to sexuality the only questions I ever have are: Do you have a peen? How big is it? Can I see it? Why did you just throw that drink in my face? Can you do it again? via Towleroad | |
| Open Post: Hosted By A Pilot's Schlong | Top |
| Family Feud is purposely dipping their board into gutter sludge now, so they can end up on YouTube and go viral. Because unless 3 of the 100 people they surveyed were you, me and Tommy Girl as his Top Gun character, who in cock pit hell said that something a pilot holds onto during a long flight is "his schlong." What pilot holds his own schlong? Isn't that what the co-pilot is for? No, I'm seriously asking that, because Marion and I are thinking of quitting our jobs to become co-pilots. via Warming Glow | |
| Vanessa Paradis Is Sick Of Answering All Your Questions! | Top |
Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this: "You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!" Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination. Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS: Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi. | |
| Madge Crosses Her Claws For An Oscar Nom And We All Know How That Turned Out | Top |
At last night's NYC premiere of the soon-to-be Razzie sweeper W.E., Madge told reporters that she was crossing her fingers and hoping that the academy would be so fearful of her wrath that they'd throw a bunch of nominations at her. Cut to this morning when she woke up in her coffin with a giant bouquet of hydrangeas on top and a note from the academy that read: Thanks, but no thanks. Okay, okay, technically W.E. was nominated for an Oscar (for Best Costume), so I guess the male members of the academy are still a little scared that Madge will crawl up into their beds at night, rip their nutsacks out with one bite and then replace the heads on the Oscar trophies with their gold-plated huevos. For once, I can't really make fun of the shit that Madge wore to her premiere last night (or the shit she wore while escorting Baby Brahim to his nursery for bedtime). Bitch looks like the evil queen double fisting two tutu-wearing ballerinas. It's totally appropriate! Speaking of fisting, I also can't make fun of Madge's (DO NOT CLICK ON THAT NSFL LINK!!!) veiny testicle hands for once. I thought about it and if I was ever in the market for a silicone fist, I'd buy one modeled after Madge's hand. Four words: Veiny For Your Pleasure. I mean, John Travolta so wants to make sweet love to Madge's hand right now. | |
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