The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 10th!
- Justin Bieber Wants To Be As Legendary As Michael Jackson
- Open Post: Hosted By Linda Ramone
- TOO EASY.
- An Imaginary British Houseguest Will Save Your Marriage, So Says Oprah
- Dear Angie, Quit While You're Not Ahead
- Why Does Lifetime Hate Elizabeth Taylor So Much?
- The Silver Fox & A Shake Weight: The Love Story That Never Was
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This singer/actress' marriage crashed and burned after she cheated – and so did her lover's marriage. But things aren't exactly how they seemed. It turns out SHE had an open marriage – and everything was fine until she fell for one of her lovers! Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Thank GOD this information has come to the table forty million years later. I was a little sad inside thinking that while LeAnn Rimes was out galloping along married crotch, Dean Rainbow Sheremet wasn't getting his cookie sprinkled on. This former-model-turned-actress has all but split from her husband after a lengthy marriage. She's happy working in New York while he's content being a producer and flirting with starlets in Los Angeles! Who is she? (National Enquirer via CDAN) Brooke Shields? This actress is probably C or D list. She was on a hit television show in the sense it lasted for a good five years, but because of where it aired it was not a monster hit. She has had very little work since it went off the air but that is not stopping one of her boyfriends from trying to sell a sex tape of her enjoying not only the boyfriend but also several of his other friends. The problem is no one really cares about the actress. (CDAN) My brain is burping out nothing over this one. I don't know, somebody from Eureka? But I think I'm only guessing that, because Eurekum would sort of be a good title for a sex tape. This former child actress who started off so innocent before turning to the dark side of music and parental rebellion is back on heroin. I wonder if she will end up in the hospital for exhaustion. (CDAN) Taylor Momsen? They don't call her black tar heroin eyes for nothing. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Shakira's wearing the sparkliest blood clot I've ever seen - Hollywood Tuna Justin Timberlake's got a new beard - Lainey Gossip In Russell Brand's defense, usually the dirt grease around his fingers causes his wedding ring to slip off by itself anyway- The Superficial That sad moment when you find yourself jealous of an unborn baby who will get to sit next to ASkars at the Christmas dinner table - Celebitchy Please tell me Madge has a needlepoint pillow with a pug on it in her sitting room - Towleroad Today's episode of STUNT QUEEN Nipple Slips starring AnnaLynne McCord - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Thankfully, Marie Claire used the de-Snooki tool on Xtina - Popoholic Today is your lucky day if you're in the market for a mixture of pool water, jizz from a pool boy and the ass juices of Scientology's reigning princess - ICYDK Zoe Kravitz is still with that Muppet from Gossip Girl - Just Jared Drew Barrymore sort of looks like she's got cotton mouth on InStyle - Popsugar Sometime in the near future, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah go on a mother/daughter bonding walk together - Hollywood Rag More shit, this time with lesbians! - Cityrag It's nice knowing that I'm not the only one who throws out a "bless you" at my dog when he sneezes - Four Four Knocked Up: Molly Sims is! - I'm Not Obsessed Where The Wild Skanks Are - Crunk + Disorderly Emma Stone wishes - Videogum When the food plays with you - The Daily What Lindsay Lohan's teeth in that first picture remind me that I need to go and floss my ass crack - The Berry | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 10th! | Top |
via FunPic | |
| Justin Bieber Wants To Be As Legendary As Michael Jackson | Top |
For V Magazine's annual vagina issue, they talked to a singing unicorn labia about how he wants to be the greatest that ever lived and how he's ready chisel his nose away in order to become the new Michael Jackson nobody was asking for. When Justin Bieber's starts talking in an interview, we all put on a bib, because the foolery will be splashing everywhere. So bibs out and put your detectivelatoyaside.gif on standby. JB on how he wants bust through the Lief Garrett curse and hand out the Jesus Juice by the time he's 30: I'm going to give Justin Bieber a temporary pass this time, because if he read all of these self-motivational words off of a piece of lined paper in front of his 5th grade class (which is where he should've said this shit), then we all would've slapped a gold star on his forehead and patted him on the back for reaching for the stars. Besides, I need to save my keystrokes for writing V Magazine a complaint letter. Those bitches knew where they were doing when they put Justin's face between a V. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Linda Ramone | Top |
The pressures of single-handedly providing the glamour to an event is sometimes too heavy for Dolly Parton's spiked wig to bear and so the wife of the late Johnny Ramone, Linda Ramone, heard Dolly's plea and came to last night's L.A. premiere of Joyful Noise (aka the movie your nana is going to make you watch when it plays on a loop on the Hallmark Channel next Christmas) with gifts. The gifts Linda brought was a touched by Angie Dickinson coif, cataract sunglasses that will make Anna Wintour's eyes tear up with jealousy, an outfit provided by Nanny Fran and a pursed sour mouth that most people will make when they're forced to see Joyful Noise. (Dolly can do no wrong, but that movie really does look like a crap Sister Act pushed out and forgot to flush.) So Dolly's wig was able to let out a synthetic sigh of relief when glamour services were also provided by Linda last night. But that's WAY more I can say for some of the other moonshine-faced homely creatures (hint: THE CYRUSES) at last night's premiere. In order: Jo Champa with some child and Linda Ramone, a Botoxed ray of sunshine, Queef Latifah, an actor who goes by the name of Jeremy Jordan but really needs to change his name since there is only ONE Jeremy Jordan, Keke Palmer, Vivica Fox and the family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre who stumbled onto the carpet after huffing from gas tanks in the parking lot. | |
| TOO EASY. | Top |
via HuffPo | |
| An Imaginary British Houseguest Will Save Your Marriage, So Says Oprah | Top |
Having an imaginary friend isn't only for children and Jennifer Aniston, it's also for married couples who are on the verge of screaming each other's faces off during an argument in their own homes. In an article on Oprah.com (via Buzzfeed), the Dalai Oprah writes 10 unexpected ways that only you can save your marriage and one of them will only work if you're on acid all the time or if you've been diagnosed as certifiably schizophrenic. All of us have much more control over our behavior than we like to think. For instance, if you had a very proper, prestigious British guest at your home, sleeping in the bedroom adjacent to yours, you'd act differently during arguments. You'd behave more kindly and politely to your spouse when, say, he sold your mother's hideous-but-beloved vase during a garage sale—if only because you didn't want to feel deeply ashamed. So the next time you consider screaming, imagine poor Rupert lying in the guest room, overhearing your every word. THIS rich ass ho. Only Oprah. This kind of ridiculous advice is hard for me to wrap my tattered brain around, because I come from a Latin family who don't consider it a fight unless it makes at least one innocent person uncomfortable. Some of my cousins will fight inside of the house and then chase each other to the front yard where they'll fight again in front of all the neighbors. Why don't those crazies stay inside, you ask? Because they need an audience for their theater! And they need someone to turn to and ask, "Did you hear this bitch, right? You're on my side, right? RIGHT?!" They need votes, basically. But I'm still going to put Oprah's bizarre advice to the test the next time I should myself in a fight with a boyfriend. I do need to know if this Rupert dude is hot or not, because that makes a difference. I'd like the option of walking out on the whisper fight to go and loudly fuck Rupert in the next room. And I did let out an extra laugh at Oprah saying "imaginary" British friend. Please, Oprah isn't fooling us. You know she's got an actual British man named Rupert on payroll who always sleeps in the room next to hers and Gayle's to keep them from fighting. | |
| Dear Angie, Quit While You're Not Ahead | Top |
Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:
Harriet Potter: 1 For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home. | |
| Why Does Lifetime Hate Elizabeth Taylor So Much? | Top |
"At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!" is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don't Give A Fuck Anymore. This mess, which doesn't make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she's in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I'd erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.) You know, I'm all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn't the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky. La Liz herself said it best:
You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you're planning on digging up Liz's corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that's not a bad idea. Liz's corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer. | |
| The Silver Fox & A Shake Weight: The Love Story That Never Was | Top |
Talking gay Siamese Cat Andy Cohen made an "I see what you did there" on Watch What Happens Live! last night when he handed Anderson Cooper an electric handjob trainer that most of us know as the Shake Weight. I'm sort of on a semi-mahboobatical, because my fucked-up obsession reached the top levels of insanity and I realized that he was keeping Carrot Top from making more appearances in my fap dreams. So when Andy handed him that Shake Weight, I stuffed a Valium in my peen hole to keep it from exploding off of my crotch while knocking my dormant Mah Boo obsession (mahboobsession?) back into me, but I didn't need to do that! Because Anderson's Shake Weighting skills barely registered a 0.00001 on the fap scale. Watch and be prepared to know what it feels like when your genitals frown: We all know that Anderson can shake a weight with the best of them, because it's etched into the tiles in the bathroom at Eastern Bloc, but the ho held back. I'm surprised that green Shake Weight didn't turn blue from the sexual frustration The Silver Fox put it through. I'm sure Horny Bear would say that he's seen actual silver foxes in the forest handle a Shake Weight better than Anderson did. But you know, I put all the blame on Andy Cohen. Andy should've given Anderson a Shake Weight that was olive-colored, covered in throbbing veins and had at least two biceps on it. Give Anderson something to work with! via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in) | |
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