The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Brad Pitt's Got A Pimp Cane Now
- Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson Is Still As Knocked Up As Knocked Up Can Be
- Hot Sluts Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- The Golden Child Of A Million Halos Is Blinding Us With Her Greatness Today
- "HA! HA! HA! Snookitina Eat You Now!"
- Kristy McNichol Comes Out As A Gayelle
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- The Time David O. Russell Groped His Transgendered Niece's Tits In The Middle Of A Hotel Gym
| Brad Pitt's Got A Pimp Cane Now | Top |
Wearing a chiffon bag in a lovely shade of dried cat barf (I think the exact color is Pantone #49uncool), St. Angie Jolie escorted Brad Pitt to the Palm Springs International Film Festival and tried not to let out a trickle of saintly laughs when he told People the reason why he's hobbling around with a pimp cane. Maddox has the awful job of slathering Icy Hot on Pepaw Pitt's screwed up knee and it's all because: "I was carrying my daughter [Vivienne] down the hill and I slipped. It was either her or me." You would think that Vivienne would be able to heel the torn ligament in her dad's knee by pressing her tiny palm against it while blowing out a few healing saliva bubbles, but her powers are not that strong I guess. Because Brad has to walk around with a cane for a little while. Ho, please! Fell down a hill? We all know what really happened. Angie shanked him in the knee with her elbow bone and then slapped him in the nuts with her forehead vein after she read that Jennifer Aniston shit. That's what really happened and I'm sure the bible of truth that is Star Magazine will spread the real facts on their cover this week. The fell down a hill crap is as believable as Brad saying that he slipped in the shower. Like that bitch takes showers. That being said, Maddox should still get Brad a Life Alert just in case. | |
| Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson Is Still As Knocked Up As Knocked Up Can Be | Top |
The new chosen one has stepped onto the planet and knocked the halos right off of Brangelina's twin messiahs, and yet Jessica Simpson's baby is still baking in a puddle of trans fat in her womb. Beyonce barely had a dollop of anything on her stomach at her 9th month and it really looked like she was growing her baby in her damn wig, and then you've got Jessica who is giving us a whole of DAMN at 7 months. My eyes swole up just by looking at her. I bet Jessica doesn't even walk. Bitch stands really still and lets out a high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her a few feet. Then she takes a deep breath, stands really still and lets out another high-powered pregnancy fart that pushes her another few feet. Bitch's got a motor in her ass. Jessica came out big on Friday night for NBC's TCA Party where she was there to whore out her new fashion reality show with Nicole Richie. Jessica told reporters that you won't find her waddling around A Pea in a Pod, because she stays away from maternity clothes, "I buy bigger sizes, which is very important, but I haven't really gone to maternity clothes because I don't really love maternity stuff." Who needs maternity clothes, anyway? It's easier just to lay out a black tarp, spray Jessica down with fried chicken grease and then roll her over that tarp with the help of a thousand villagers and the tree trunk of a mighty oak. Then they wrap her up, lift her up with a crane, throw a few pounds of sequins at her BOOM! Instant knocked up glamour! But seriously, Jessica really does look happy, which is more than I can say for the owners of every Korean all-you-can eat barbecue in the L.A. area who had to close up for 9 months after hearing that Jessica swallowing tin trays for two now. | |
| Hot Sluts Of The Day! | Top |
| Awwgasm alert! Sometimes getting the Hot Slut stamp is as simple as being a baby deer and licking the fleas off of a kitten on a bed of guinea pig bedding in a kiddie pool with the tag still on it. This is one of those times. (For Joan) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
David Bowie (65) | |
| The Golden Child Of A Million Halos Is Blinding Us With Her Greatness Today | Top |
The sound of a South American surrogate screeching out the words "Poner la epidural en él!!!" (Note: Shit translation provided by Google) followed by the faint sound of velcro ripping off was heard around the air space of Lenox Hill in NYC last night when the rightful heir to the House of Derriere throne was born. Yes, that is the reason why your lacefront floated off of your head last night before quickly falling to the floor like it was bowing. It was paying homage to its new Yaki Savior! The entire Internet prepared for the golden age after the likes or RiRi, Auntie Basement Baby and Russell Simmons Tweeted the birth of Beyonce and Jay-Z's first child, a daughter. Beyonce and Jay-Z have kept their lips shut about this, because they like to confirm shit the real STUNT QUEEN way. You will really know that the golden child here is when Beyonce opens the Grammys next month by riding in on adorned camel (Jay-Z) and placing her daughter in a manger made of golden weaves as back-up dancers dressed like slutty farm animals do the Single Ladies dance around them. As for the name, E! News has come up with Blue Ivy and UsWeekly says it's Ivy Blue (cut to LeAnn Rimes in a bikini neighing out the words, "Did somebody say Bluuuuuuuu-ooooh-ooh?". I know both of those names sound like the name of an Eastern European porn star who is trying to make it in the US, but it has REAL meaning! Beyonce and Jay-Z slobber all over the number 4. They were both born on the 4th and they were married on the 4th. IV = 4. (Sidenote: That surrogate is never going to surrogate in this town AGAIN, because bitch was supposed to push out Baby Blue Ivy on the 4th. BABY OVEN FAIL!) And even though Beyonce and Jay-Z rented out the entire fourth floor of Lenox Hill, forced all employees to hand over their cell phones and taped over the security cameras to keep hos from getting a picture of the new Jesus, Dlisted managed to get an EXCLUSIVE first look at Blue Ivy:
No, no. Princess Blue Ivy will make her picture debut on the cover of a limited-edition version of the Bible. (The cover of People Magazine is for peons.) Check your local pew! | |
| "HA! HA! HA! Snookitina Eat You Now!" | Top |
Farm fresh foolery thickened the air at NBC's Winter Press Tour in L.A. last night when the hos from The Voice came out looking like eight degrees of MESS. We've got Xtina whose titties could use a pep talk and a shot of Prozac, because they look like they're slowly sliding down into a deep depression. Sad chichis are sad. Then we've got Cee-Lo whose goatee makes him look like the evil fat midget baby of a T-Rex and Genghis Khan. Then there's Adam Levine and his piece who look like they should be playing a game of patty cake with their flap jackets. And finally, there's Blake Shelton and A MESS! Which button do I press to turn my chair the other way? | |
| Kristy McNichol Comes Out As A Gayelle | Top |
Kristy McNichol, known to you 70s hos as Buddy from Family, or us 90s hos as Barbara from Empty Nest, or you 2000s hos as "Mom, who is this bitch Kristy McNichosomething?", is proudly waving her Home Depot and flannel flag. Kristy retired from the acting game in the 90s, but is stepping back into the slightly dim spotlight to tell that the world that she's a big lez. For those of you who are still on the floor from hearing about Clay Gayken, this shocking and surprising news will probably keep you there. I'll bring you a blanket and a mayo sandwich later. In the meantime, this is what Kristy's publicist told People about her decision to publicly come out at the age of 49. McNichol, 49, who has lived with her partner Martie Allen, also 49, for the past two decades, decided to make a statement about her sexuality and share this photo because she is "approaching 50" and wants to "be open about who I am." YAY for this! The world definitely needs more proud lesbians telling People magazine that they are proud lesbians, and I definitely need to get on a successful sitcom like right now. Then I can retire from sitcom acting in like 10 years and spend my 40s and on focusing on tennis, yoga, travel and raising beloved miniature dachshunds. And now that People has caught up with Kristy McNichols, can they please do a cover story and 15-page spread on the whereabouts of Park Overall! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| The former Prime Minister of Australia Bob Hawke - What I know about the 23rd Prime Minister of Australia couldn't even fill up the tip of an XXS condom. If you asked me about Bob Hawke 24 hours ago, my brain would spit out a puff of nothing (instead of spitting out a puff of crap air like it normally does). I don't know if he ran Australia into the ground or if he brought it into the golden age by planting the silicone-covered peroxide seed that later grew into the country's official flower: Brynne Gordon. I don't know. But what I do know about Bob Hawke is that if I'm ever sitting next to him at a bar, I better grip my beer with two hands and my mouth or he'll make that shit go BYE! in 11 seconds (which is how long it took him to down a 2.5 pint when he broke the record in 1955). Now THAT'S how you become the leader of a country! (Thanks to everybody who sent this in) | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Nicolas Cage (48) | |
| The Time David O. Russell Groped His Transgendered Niece's Tits In The Middle Of A Hotel Gym | Top |
David O. Russell, noted asshole (click here and here for evidence) and director of The Fighter was being investigated by the Broward County Sheriff's after his 19-year-old transgendered niece told police that he molested her chichis in the gym of a Florida hotel during a workout on December 30th. If this story was a cup of alphabet soup, it would only have the letters W, T and F floating in it, because this shit is just fucked up. TMZ says that David's niece told police that they were doing ab crunches together (???) when he stopped to ask her about her transition and that led to talk about how hormones are making her tits grow. The niece claims that during their talk David slipped his hands under her top to touch her bare breasts. So there's David, molesting his transgendered niece right next to the ab crunch machine in the middle of a damn gym. If it makes you feel less gross, David and his niece aren't related by blood. It didn't take a layer of gross off? Yeah, me neither. The niece reported the titty grab three days after it happened. She told the cops that it made her feel uncomfortable, but she never told him to stop. When the cops asked David about it, he said that she gave him permission, because she wanted to know if one of her tits was bigger than the other. David also said that his niece is the one who made him pinky swear to not tell anyone about it. At this point in the police interview, David probably should've ate his fist and shut the hell up, but he kept talking: In the police report, one of the investigators notes, "Russell stated [his niece] is always causing drama since the transgender transformation and has become very provocative and seductive." That shit actually came out of his talk hole. Lily Tomlin, please feed this asshole your boot. David should've just told police, "It's Florida!" That would've been a better excuse. And when you're a 52-year-old grown man and a 19-year-old asks you to PINKY SWEAR to not tell anyone about you grabbing her nipples in a hotel gym, just perform a citizen's arrest on yourself and go directly to jail. Because something illegal definitely went down. A little while ago, a rep for the Broward County Sheriff's office said that they are not filing charges against David and the case is closed: "We are pleased that the authorities have looked into this matter and have confirmed that the investigation has been concluded and the case has been closed." They probably checked the law books and found out that in Florida a pinky swear is considered a legally binding agreement and so none of their testimonies could be used in court. Damn. | |
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