Friday, January 27, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 27th! Top

via Break.com

 
Houston Will Finally Get The Beyonce Monument They've Been Begging For Top

Not to be outdone by the monument to Basement Baby made by basement mice using moth balls, shredded cardboard and stuffed animal stuffing, a company called Armdeonce Ventures (aka Mama Tina's cousins) is looking for donations to build an homage to the greatest thing that has happened to Houston since the Beer Can House.

Never mind that Syracuse already has erected a mighty Beyonce monument, why donate to such worthy causes as homelessness, hongray children, abused animals and Basement Baby's "Get Out of the Basement" fund when you can donate to a useless piece of shit cause like building a tribute to Blue Ivy's mother. Every Houstonian who doesn't have the last name Knowles is making the same face Beyonce is making in the picture above over this fucked up news.

Marcus Mitchell and Steve White of Armdeonce Ventures tell MyFox Houston that city has already approved their plans and now they're just trying to scrape up the money so they can build their Beyonce monument by the end of this year. This is what Marcus said when explaining his plans and I'm just going to go ahead and assume this ho has been sniffing a whole lot of wig glue lately.

"Our biggest thing is a lot of people get honored when they die, so our goal is to why not honor people why they're still here? We felt as though it's her time to be honored. We wanted to construct, like, a massive hall so as the doors open, if you donated to the monument, you'll have a separate nameplate. There will be clips of Beyonce with Destiny's Child and wardrobe like a mini museum. We've gotten support from the city of Houston, from the mayor. We're waiting for a very nice letter from the mayor right now."

On a positive note, Houston's Beyonce monument will be the final signal the rapture will need to eat the earth from the outside in.

If Marcus and Steve really want to honor Beyonce, they should "borrow" an obscure monument from a European country and slap her name on it. That is the ultimate tribute.

(Thanks Nikki & Jazzfish)

 
Open Post: Hosted By A Lazy Ass Dormouse Top


This is where I'm supposed to make a Richard Gere joke, but instead I'm going to use my keystrokes to plead with a bitch to please get that loud lazy dormouse a Breathe Right strip, some allergy medicine, a lozenge for his nose and a body pillow. Because how can any of us get any work done when his ass sounds like Richard Gere and a dormouse wrestling on top of a plastic-wrapped mattress?!

via Boing Boing (Thanks Kevin)

 
And Now, Here's Some Advice For Kris Humphries From Snoop Dogg Top

WARNING: About three seconds after hitting play on this NSFWish mess, a giant sperm fish with a mouth will scare away the afternoon buzz you got from inhaling nitrous out of a whipped cream can in the bathroom.

During Snoop Dogg's web show, he was asked to drop a little few words of unfiltered wisdom into the ear holes of Kris Humphries and this is the hilarious shit that came blazing out of his mouth:

"The first advice is, you dumb ass nigga, you shouldn't have tried to wife the bitch. She's not that type of a ho. She gets around, man. Did you see when Reggie took the bitch to Africa? She was looking at the Africans cause they had bigger dicks than his. He didn't know how to act afterward. They sent his ass to Miami. Reggie the only nigga that bounced back from the bitch. She's cold-blooded. I'm pretty sure she'll have a book in a month talking about all the niggas she got and how she played them. So, my advice is you can't make a ho a housewife. Don't try to reinvent the wheel. Let her do what she born to do: ho. Yeah. HO. Punk bitch."

That's funny. That's pretty much the same thing my mom said to the first serious boyfriend I brought home to meet her. And I really hope someone translates Snoop's advice into grunts and snorts so that Kris can actually understand it.

via THR

 
Fear Factor Goes To The Donkey Show Top

If you're in the middle of swallowing a glob of Red Bull (wink wink at you, Demi) and evaporated milk, you should pretend that it's donkey piss and donkey jizz, because if you're able to keep it down without heaving up 90% of your internal organs, you could win $50,000 on Fear Factor! The dust storm of bleached dandruff, fake tan residue and sea jasper ash that just covered L.A. is from Lindsay Lohan running over to NBC to sign up for Fear Factor.

In the past, Fear Factor has fed their contestants all sorts of delicious gourmet delicacies like blended rats, sloth dicks wrapped in the ass cheeks of a baboon, snail vaginas, tarantula shit, charred fetus heads, etc.. etc... But their latest stunt dipped so low into the bowels of disgustingness that some NBC executives weren't sure if they should air it. But as they proved by giving Whitney a full season, NBC has no fucks to give and will air it anyway!

Someone who works at Fear Factor tells TMZ that on an episode that airs Monday, the contestants have to swallow (no spitting allowed) entire cups of bladder juice and nut gravy from a donkey. Each contestant had to drink every last drop of donkey piss and jizz before they moved on to the next round, and some of them did it. SUCIO! It must be a very special Kardashian-themed episode.

$50,000 could buy you a lot of shit (like 50,000 items from Taco Bell's new breakfist menu!), but is all that money really worth felching down the jizz of an ass in front of millions of people? It's one thing to drink donkey cum in the comfort of a Tijuana Donkey Show while surrounded by friends, but it's another to do it in front of a TV camera. What if you get pregnant? What if you shit out a tiny donkey human baby into the toilet? You're going to need more than $50,000 to raise it. And I don't even want to think about how they milked that donkey, but I'm sure it involved Joe Rogan's lubed-up hand and a copy of Heidi Montag's Playboy spread.

But in NBC's defense, they've aired much grosser shit than hos drinking donkey semen. Like Donald Trump's face, for example.

 
Demi Moore Is Basically A 15-Year-Old Skater Who Lives In Her Parent's Garage Top

So far (and according to the media), Demi Moore's medical file reads like that of a high school asshole whose idea of a good time is huffing from gas tanks before fingering his girlfriend in the bathroom of a Hardee's during his break. Because Demi apparently gets hungry for the sweet nectar, whip-its, Adderall AND Red Bull. TMZ is hearing that long before Demi whipped her way to a seizure, she ate Red Bull for breakfast, Red Bull for lunch and Red Bull for dinner. For 10 years, Demi has been obsessively riding the Red Bull daily, but some source says that in the past few weeks she's been replacing food with Red Bull. I think I speak for AssStain Kutcher and all of the Willis daughters when I say, MOM, you're embarrassing me!

Someone from Red Bull tells TMZ that Demi is so hard up for that nasty shit that they regularly deliver shipments to her home. A different source says that when Demi was partying it up with Tater Head recently, she kept booze out of her mouth, but kept her tongue in a Red Bull all night long.

Red Bull, really, Demi? RED? BULL? The period blood of an actual bull probably tastes better than Red Bull. You know when you're making out with some nasty drunk and he burps out a vomit-infused burp cloud into your mouth? That's what Red Bull tastes like. I wouldn't be giving Demi shit if TMZ says she was addicted to underground Four Loko, or if she was caught buying homemade PURPLE DRANK from Brit Brit's Cheetolings in the back room of their playhouse. But I just can't with her Red Bull addiction. What's next? We're going to see Demi on an episode of True Life: I'm Addicted to XBox360? I bet Demi's bedroom windows are covered in tinfoil and she uses Transformers bed sheets as curtains.

I'm sad that nobody told Demi that the adult way of handling a divorce from a total douchebag is to fuck the pain away. When you're down and out, let the teaches of Peaches guide you.

 
A "Toddlers & Tiaras" Mom Is Suing TMZ For Sexualizing Her Beauty Queen Daughter Top


The term BOLD BITCH has just been redefined, so update your dictionaries. Susanna Barrett, a pageant mom who's been on Toddlers & Tiaras before, has thrown a $30 million lawsuit at TMZ, The Huffington Post and the greatest news source in every universe The Daily Mail for sexualizing her 5-year-old daughter Isabella by posting a video of Isabella singing to LMFAO's "I'm Sexy And I Know It" at a club in NYC. Somebody hand me a bedazzled Kleenex, because a pristine tear of happiness slides down my cheek every time a mother pushes blame on another trick to get a quick check out of it. The Pimp Mama Kris Effect is a beautiful thing.

MSNBC says that in the lawsuit filed in NYC on Tuesday, Susanna claims that the video (seen above in all of its terrifying animatronic glory) is the epitome of G-rated innocence and the media turned it into a piece of illegal sucioness by writing shit like "gyrating in a nightclub and singing about her sex appeal" to describe Isabella's performance.

"(Isabella) did not understand the concept of sex, let alone 'sex appeal' and could not have been singing about her own sex appeal. It is the defendants who, through their articles, have thrust these false and vulgar characteristics on to Isabella. As a result, Isabella is now perceived sexually, erotically and pornographically, and (the stories) have placed Isabella in serious physical danger, attracting the attention of others who would seek to sexualize a child."

I've pulled the Lawyer career card at least three times during the Game of Life and this makes me an expert at law shit, so you can trust me when I say that all of that legal talk translates into: "If anybody's going to make a dollar by sexualizing Isabella, it's going to be Susanna Barrett and Susanna Barrett only! Now empty your fanny pack, Harvey!"

Isabella is the same girl who looked into the camera and said that her 3-year-old arch rival Paisley Dickey (NO COMMENT) dresses like a hooker. So not only should Paisley Dickey (again, NO COMMENT) throw a lawsuit at Isabella for hookerizing her by calling her a wannabe hooker, but White Oprah should also file a lawsuit against every single media outlet for crackieizing her innocent daughter by posting picture after picture of her behaving like a complete cracked out crackhead mess.

 
Farewell, Juan Luis Pedro Felipo de Huevos Epstein Top

Robert Hegyes, mostly known for playing Sweathog Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter, is entertaining the angels with his Chico Marx impersonation this morning, because he passed away of cardiac arrest at a hospital in New Jersey yesterday. Robert was only 60. John Travolta, this is your cue to take that dead papillon off of your head, put on an afro wig and mourn the loss of your TV friend.

Newsday says that Robert was in a bad way for a long time and he was taken to JFK Medical Center in Edison, NJ after he started complaining about chest pains. Those chest pains turned out to be a full cardiac arrest and Robert died at the hospital shortly after.

Robert was born and raised in New Jersey and started his acting career by doing theater in NYC. A quick second later, Robert got cast in Welcome Back, Kotter and the rest is Nick at Nite history! Robert later retired from acting and spent his time teaching and writing screenplays.

Rest in peace, Epstein. Your legacy will live on when the Welcome Back, Kotter movie FINALLY gets made with Phoebe Price in the role of lead extra.

Signed by, Epstein's mother

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 26th! Top

"Well, If I cant have a long black ding dong in my mouth, might has well build one on my head, stare at it and dream!" - onetakenfreak

Runners-up:

Ugh, he even makes his eyebrows lift weights. - daisy100

Right before this pic was taken you could hear Eva Longoria giggle "he's had WAY more ding dongs at once than that"... - jack-n-the-hat

No fuckin' wonder Twinkies are almost out of production with advertisements like this! Nobody wants to lick a Twinkie that's been face raped by 6 Ding Dongs! - Jalapena

Source: Poison Paradise via WOW Report

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Ilona Royce Smithkin, cabaret performer, style icon and eyelash artiste! The Today Show yesterday put on a fashion show starring the seasoned and well-aged beauties of Advanced Style, a blog devoted to the glamour of memaw goddesses, and my eyelashes pretty much singed down to their roots (yes, I've got beady beads for eyelashes now and I don't mind) when Ilona glided out looking like a fiery ginger rhinestone of perfection. At 91, Ilona would rather burn the sidewalks of NYC up with her ginger lashes than nibble on caramel squares while watching old episodes of Father Dowling on Beta tapes. That shit ain't for Ilona, because she has too much glamour to give.

I know you're assuming that Ilona's eyelids naturally gave birth to those luscious ginger hair waves, but Ilona actually makes them herself from the hair on her own head. Lashweaves aren't exactly a new thing, but Ilona has taken it to a new level by using the tools of beauty Mother Nature has given her. Every time Ilona blinks, it's like the sun itself is waving at you.

The world needs more 91-year-old glamour memaws who are a touch of Vivienne Westwood, a dash of Shirley MacLaine and a pinch of Chicken Cutlets in one fiery ball. Slip on your heatproof safety glasses and get some of this.

 

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