Sunday, January 15, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Open Golden Globes Post: Hosted By The Dog From The Artist Top

I turned on E! a little while ago and watched Nicole Richie tell Ryan Gaycrest, "Yeah, my hair is by SUAVE professionals," so I already know that tonight's theme is FUCKERY. I would've joined Nicole's fan club if she said that her dress was by Charlotte Russe Couture and her shoes were by Chinese Laundry Black Label, but she didn't. Anyway, it's the Golden Globes tonight and it's that time of year when we watch half of Hollywood ignore the full bottles of champagne on the table (that's the hardest part in watching this mess) as Ricky Gervais (aka the HARDEST and BADDEST comedian on the stroll aka the Crips of comedians aka Blah Blah Blah) makes fun of celebwhores to their faces. EDGY! But importantly, it's also when we all get to swallow bottles of 100 proof whatever while making fun of whores wearing dresses that cost more than our EVERYTHING!

I've blown the dust off of my Twatter and will be throwing shit on there throughout the night. As I've said before, the IRS is auditing my ass, so I'll be spending most of the night doing something called drunk puttingshitfortheIRStogethersoIwontgotoprison. So when your stash goes dry halfway through the 15-hour long ceremony, throw in an extra FUCK MY LIFE for me.

 
Kelsey Grammer Is Going To Be Somebody's Father For The Fifth Time Top

The latest woman to take the Grammer last time, Kayte Walsh Grammer, is a new ginger and she's also got an adorable blank check baby growing in her uterus (Connected? I think fucking so!) Kayte miscarried in 2010, so this time Kelsey's rep waited until her second trimester to announce to the world that he's about to add a future member of his Child Support Club. People puts it like this:

This will be the fifth child for the Boss star, 56, and the first for Walsh Grammer, 32.

Grammer is already dad to son Jude, 7, and daughter Mason, 10, with Camille Grammer, Greer, 19, with Barrie Buckner, and Spencer, 28, with Doreen Alderman. He's also grandfather to Spencer's son Emmett, 3 months.

Five babies with FOUR baby mamas? Who does Frasier think he is? My dad? No, Frasier is nothing like my dad. My dad's idea of paying child support was buying me a factory defected acid wash jean jacket from Miller's Outpost. (Not-So-Fun Fact: My arch rival at SCATS, a gymnastics place and not a donkey punch emporium, stole that jacket from me in the locker room.) Anyway, congrats to Kayte for securing herself a child support check when her marriage eventually ends in a minute or so. Hopefully, Kayte names her baby CamilleYourChildSupportChecksJustGotSmallerBitch Grammer.

 
MONEYBONG: Watch Brad Pitt Get Stuck In A Stoner Laugh Hole Top

Grab yourself a big bowl of Funyuns nachos made with melted Cheetos and Hamburger Helper, because this blooper from the Moneyball DVD of Brad Pitt laughing until tears come out of his ducts will probably get you contact high. Brad is laughing like he just got his virgin weed cherry popped by taking a looong hit. LIGHTWEIGHT! Bitch is laugh crying like me when I read that he's the frontrunner for the Best Actor Oscar. I bet bitch's doctor laughed like that the first time he went to do a testicular test and found nothing but a tattoo that read "Angelina Was Here."

As for why Brad's was caught in a HAHrricane, I'm sure the answer lies in the faces of the annoyed crew members who all made a mental note to never EVER let his weak ass take a hit from their blunt before a take. Amateur.

And here's the other half of Brangie making her Vein of Life be known while posing with Pedro Almodovar at a Golden Globes luncheon for the Best Foreign Film nominees.

 
Now We Know Who Really Has The Moves In The Spears Family Top

Brit Brit Spears posted this video the other day of SPF busting moves in her Home Goods showroom of a living room and let's just say that if any members of the Spears family should be charging $125 a ticket, it should be SPF! The best part is when SPF pushes JJ into the invisible wings for trying to upstage his ass by rolling in front of him. SPF is a one-Cheetoling show.

Brit Brit's concert understudy has been found. SPF doesn't even need to learn the lyrics to her songs. Just give him a piece of Bubble Yum to chew on and he'll look like he has better lip-synch skills than Brit Brit does. A star in the Cheetoverse has been born.

via Jezebel

 
The Hell Did I Watch Last Night?! Top

Lana Del Rey's album isn't even out yet until later this month, but hos started throwing cold mounds of shit at her months ago when they accused her ass of being as fake as the collagen noodles on her mouth. The Lana haters say that her record label changed her name from Lizzy Grant, uploaded a new musical style into her brain, plumped up her lips with a bike pump and transformed her into some kind of Nancy Sinatra-like indie wonder. And last night, they really tried to make Lana Del Rey happen by pushing her out on Saturday Night Live's stage when they really should've pushed her into an emergency room for a Red Bull injection, because she looked like she was going to fall into a coma mid-hair flip. If this was an episode of Dance Moms, Abby Lee would say that Lana didn't even earn a place on the sand under her pyramid. The whole thing was a new kind of bizarre.

Lana sounded like a Japanese person trying to sing in English with a German accent. I'm sure that what came out of her mouth is not unlike the sounds that come out of a walrus's mouth when it's doing high school theater vocal exercises. The passport of Lana's voice filled up last night, because it was all over the place. (GONG me in the face for that one. I deserve it.) The way she moved too. Lord. It was like someone threatened to shoot all of her loved ones if she didn't give the performance of her life and she doesn't really love her loved ones, but doesn't want them to know that, so she just Meh-ed her way through it. Nerves due to inexperience are a helluva drug.

With all that being blogged, I LOVED EVERY PAINFUL MINUTE OF IT! It was like watching an overly sedated 8-year-old girl do a Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls impersonation. Sedated camp at its finest!

Click here and here if you can't watch the videos above.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top


The Beer Loving Cat! And there you were thinking that pussy and yeast don't mix well together. If yeast infections looked like this, we'd all want one.

Tonight is the Second Annual Ricky Gervais Pats Himself On His Hardcore Edgy Gene While ROASTING Hollywood Ceremony and about three seconds into that shit, most of us will look like that cat above. We'll be making hug love to a lukewarm can of the sweet nectar and licking on it like it's the only thing in the world that has ever done us right (SPOILER ALERT: It is!). But unlike Beer Cat, my can of the sweet nectar won't be Miller Lite. I mean, if I want to lick on something that tastes like ass, I'll lick on an actual ass.

via Buzzfeed

 
Birthday Sluts Top

María del Rosario Pilar Martínez Molina Gutiérrez de los Perales Santa Ana Romanguera y de la Hinojosa Rasten (aka Charo) (61)
Skrillex (24)
Howie Day (31)
Pitbull (31)
Young Dro (33)
Eddie Cahill (34)
Regina King (41)
Chad Lowe (44)
Lisa Lisa (45)
James Nesbitt (47)
Mario Van Peebles (55)
Andrea Martin (65)
Princess Michael of Kent (67)
Margaret O'Brien (75)

 
What Happens In Fargo, Stay In Fargo, Okie Dokie Top

This short-lived tourism poster for North Dakota is supposed to make you think that North Dakota is the land of lit up peen signs (I see you lit up peen sign) and street sluts of all races in Coldwater Creek clothes who will hump on you. But I see this more as North Dakota the land where it's perfectly acceptable to wear a turquoise collar outside of a black blazer!

I don't even know why this ad was pulled. It works for me! They should've just tweaked their tagline a bit. North Dakota: Where Literally The Only Thing There Is To Do Is Fuck Strangers.

via The Daily What

 
Mena Suvari Is Legally Quitting Her Husband Of 18 Months Top

After 18 long months (that's three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more.

People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, "Faticunt City"). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other's faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn't want to pay spousal support and says that "irreconcilable differences" is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it.

I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts don't take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. NEWS FLASH! Nobody takes the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. That's why the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage. But really, I'm sure Mena and Simone tried to really make it work. You try sleeping next to a woman whose satellite head spits out the sound of static all night, because aliens from another universe are trying to send signals to it. Besides, how can Mena compete with JLo who is paying Simone (JLo knows him as "Casper") $10,000 to be her kept bitch?

 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top

The Sagal Twins! With their Brenda Walsh haircuts (more like Brenda Walsh had a Sagal Twins haircut) and their touch of Winnie Cooper faces (more like Winnie Cooper had a touch of Sagal Twins face), Jean and Liz Sagal took the early 80s BY STORM by a light trickle that quickly dried up in the sidewalk cracks with their limited-edition sitcom Double Trouble. Double Trouble was about twins who were nothing like, a plot that was never done before and hasn't been done since! It was obviously TOO revolutionary for 1984, because it only lasted on NBC for 2 seasons before its re-runs were banished to basic cable where I used to watch it on our illegal descrambler box. How it didn't run for the rest of eternity is a question that even the universe can't answer. I mean, the glitter hairspray on half-rolled bangs should've earned it AT LEAST a ten season pickup:

The Sagal Twins were also in the underground art house masterpiece Grease 2 and their older sister is Katey Sagal. I think it's about time for The Sagal Twins to give an encore of the performance above at a Sons of Anarchy club meeting.

 

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