The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio
- KWellFed Suffers A "Mini" Cardiac Arrest In Australia
- Heidi Klum And Seal Are Totally Over (I Mean It This Time)
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 20th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Steven Tyler Screams Out The National Anthem Exactly The Way You'd Expect Steven Tyler To Scream Out The National Anthem
- Halloween Lives On: Heidi Klum & Seal Are Still Together
- The Recipe For Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe" Video
- Joe Paterno Dead At The Age Of 85
| Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio | Top |
Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums. Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit! via ONTD | |
| KWellFed Suffers A "Mini" Cardiac Arrest In Australia | Top |
Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the 'beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown. A spokesperson for Channel 9's Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain't going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale. You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I've been on a sort of diet. I haven't been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I've been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed's fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him. Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they're huffing like they're trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it's the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it's the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp. Doesn't Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, "NOOO! IT HURTS!" But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, "YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!" So see, I'm only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do. | |
| Heidi Klum And Seal Are Totally Over (I Mean It This Time) | Top |
Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done. "While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy." TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does. Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup. And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 20th! | Top |
The new TempurPedic breast implants do not transfer motion, and can be used as a serving tray. - ImpertinentVixen Runners-up: Spencer and Heidi are so broke, Heidi's implants had to get a job. - TomHanksIsHot IN THIS ECONOMY, all US Airways flight attendants are now required to serve beverages AND double as flotation devices. - Danasaurus Sex via Evil Milk | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Lisa Woodman, a 28-year-old single mother of four from Worcester, West Midlands in England who has been banned from every club in her town for dressing like a sophisticated and refined young lady. Worcester: The Town That Hates Elegance! There are many injustices in the world (examples: In-N-Out refusing to sell animal style-scented lube, the Kardashians making millions of dollars instead of sucking dirty ass for coins and leftovers in a Bangkok brothel, etc..), but one of the greatest injustices is that this 28-year-old (I had to type her natural age in twice in case you thought I was suffering from a concussion the first time I typed it) flower can't dance in a prestigious nightclub while looking like a morning shift hooker who hangs out in front of trucker bars in hopes of getting some business from drunk dudes with their beer goggles still firmly on. Lisa tells the newspaper of the people, The Daily Mail, that all three clubs in Worcester (Mode, Tramps and Velvet) banned her after telling her that she's too old to wear the official ho shit uniform and they won't let her in until she covers up. I'm not sure I want to live in a world where a top shelf tramp like this can't get into a club named after her people. As I organize a Million Old Slut March in front of Tramps, read the plight of an English rose and be moved: "None of the pubs give me any hassle about my outfits so why do the nightclubs have such a problem? There were teenagers and girls in their 20s wearing much more revealing outfits but they went straight in. When I asked the bouncers why me and my sister weren't allowed in, they just said 'You're too old to wear that get-up'. I couldn't believe it. I'm only 28 and still consider myself young. The problem doesn't lie in Lisa's Christian Louboutugjob boots or her Chanel: Slut Label dress, it lies in the club owners of Worcester. They know that if they let Lisa into their clubs, every girl would immediately club her boyfriend over the head with a cocktail glass, throw him over her shoulder and head for the exit door, because she knows she could never compete with this kind of modest beauty. It's sad to know that prejudice against sophisticated ladies still exists today. There's only thing for Lisa to do. She's much too much of a brilliant, untarnished diamond for Worcester to handle. She needs to move to the old ho shit mecca: HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood doesn't only embrace graceful swans dressed like Grand Theft Auto hookers, they give them reality shows and paparazzi deals. Lisa, let the Statue of Skank Liberty, Courtney Stodden, welcome you to the promise land. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Chita Rivera (79) | |
| Steven Tyler Screams Out The National Anthem Exactly The Way You'd Expect Steven Tyler To Scream Out The National Anthem | Top |
| "Steven Tyler Butchers National Anthem At NFL Playoff Game" is Radar's headline and it's as obvious as the headline "Michael K Nicks Himself While Shaving Ass Crack In The Shower, Will Sting When He Shits For A Couple Days." It's like, DUH. When we get Steven Tyler, we know we're going to get a dude who looks like Teri Hatcher's great lesbian aunt (the one who sells hemp tampons at a flea market in Portland) and we know we're going to get a dude who sounds like a deaf coyote getting fucked in the ass with its own tail. Just know that your ear drums will be pounded raw and try to get lost in the twinkles jumping off of his glamorous scarf. | |
| Halloween Lives On: Heidi Klum & Seal Are Still Together | Top |
The world almost experienced a mass pumpkin suicide yesterday when TMZ heard that the reigning king and queen of Halloween, Heidi Klum and Seal, were making plans to murder the life out of their marriage after 6 years together. Cherubs turned their arrows on themselves and lovebirds made plans to legally change their name to loveisaliebirds. But everybody can stop now, because one of People's sources say that TMZ is being a melodramatic tea-spilling queen. Because although Heidi and Seal have hit a rough patch (Side note: Whenever anyone uses the phrase "rough patch" when talking about relationships problems, I always picture that rash you get when you rub up against a crotch with serious pube stubble.), they aren't making plans to legally quit each other anytime soon. Heidi and Seal's marriage is getting shanked in the ass by a rose, but they're still trying to work it out. The source says that before Heidi leaves for Germany to shoot Germany's Top Model and Seal leaves for Australia to do The Voice over there, they are spending time together at home in Brentwood. Cut to the source: "They've been fighting a lot lately, but they have no plans to announce a split right now. They're not divorcing. They seem to be doing a lot better. They're both wearing their wedding bands." I think that when a married couple is fighting all the time and they need to be in the same house together they should look to Oprah's "pretend you have a British houseguest" marital advice as the solution to their problems. And by that I mean, they should stop fighting to make fun of Oprah and her ridiculous ass marital advice. Making fun of Oprah can be the glue that holds your marriage together. | |
| The Recipe For Nicki Minaj's "Stupid Hoe" Video | Top |
| Ingredients: Two heaping cups of Shakira's She-Wolf video The root from Grace Jones' iconic pussy stretch pose 1 clove of Lady Gaga's anime eyes, minced Half a slice of RiRi's Umbrella video, cut into cubes An entire box of Crayola pastel chalk, melted A handful of nose cartilage, coarsely crushed An entire bag of generic brand silicone (preferably a bag that is past its expiration date) Directions: Throw all ingredients into one of Lil' Kim's old pink wigs, securely tie wig up with a garland of tarantula legs, throw it on the ground and pound with your ass until your jumping bowels are hitting your brain so much that you start to experience a slight epileptic seizure. Serve on a garden hoe with a Hilton-sized IQ. If a garden hoe with a Hilton-sized IQ is not available, serve on a brain dead rake. If a brain dead rake is not availabe, just serve on a Kardashian. | |
| Joe Paterno Dead At The Age Of 85 | Top |
I don't usually cover football or sports shit (the golden kind not included) here at Dlisted unless the story's main character is BULGE, but this story molested its way into my inbox so many times and so I took that as a sign. Besides, that picture has a buffet of man bulge (that bulge on the far left looks like a sack of fingerling potatoes and I've got the cream if he's ready to mash), so technically I'm within the guidelines. In case you didn't already know from the trickle of candle wax and tears dripping down the sidewalk in front of your window from Penn State students holding a morning mourning vigil, Joe Paterno, the ex football coach who touched many lives and later got fired for turning his eyes to little boys getting touched, died from cancer at the age of 85 today. Joe's family released this statement about his death to ESPN: "He died as he lived. He fought hard until the end, stayed positive, thought only of others and constantly reminded everyone of how blessed his life had been. His ambitions were far reaching, but he never believed he had to leave this Happy Valley to achieve them. He was a man devoted to his family, his university, his players and his community." "Devoted to his community"? I don't think they mean what they think they mean. And I know today is like pre-cum Super Bowl day or something, but the real entertainment is going down on your Facebook feed right now. Pop the Jiffy Pop and watch as your friends go after each other over this. Half are like "A LEGEND HAS DIED!!!!!!" and the other half are like "Yeah, a legend who is now in heaven ignoring the rape of boy angels." It's a $10 million Snickers commercial away from being the Super Bowl of Facebook brawls. | |
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