The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Dear Angie, Quit While You're Not Ahead
- Why Does Lifetime Hate Elizabeth Taylor So Much?
- The Silver Fox & A Shake Weight: The Love Story That Never Was
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 9th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Beyonce Wants You To Know That Blue Ivy Came Out Naturally, Thank You Very Much
- Oh, Texas
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By Craig David And His Trainer
| Dear Angie, Quit While You're Not Ahead | Top |
Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:
Harriet Potter: 1 For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home. | |
| Why Does Lifetime Hate Elizabeth Taylor So Much? | Top |
"At least that raggedy crackamuffin bitch is shitting on your grave instead of mine for a change!" is what Marilyn Monroe said to Elizabeth Taylor up in the smoking lounge in heaven last night after Deadline reported that Lifetime is willing to go bankrupt from spending all of its money on prosthetics, CGI, sandblast equipment and black magic to turn Lindsay Lohan into a Elizabeth Taylor for a biopic. Lifetime can officially change its slogan from Lifetime: Television for Women into Lifetime: We Just Don't Give A Fuck Anymore. This mess, which doesn't make sense, would make sense if LiLo was going to play Last Days Liz or Currently In The Grave Liz, but she's in talks to play a young Elizabeth Taylor in Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. Who the hell is going to play Richard Burton? Pete Doherty? (Okay, I'd erase everything in my Tivo to record that mess.) You know, I'm all for HoHan tripping her way up to a Drew Barrymore-like comeback and she probably sees this Lifetime shit as her own personal Amy Fisher TV movie, but she just isn't the one to play La Liz. This is ILLEGAL! Liz had a voice like a sweet piece of velvet and HoHan has a voice like a sweet piece of velvet after it got ran over by a semi-truck, used as toilet paper by a homeless junkie and chewed up by a crackhouse rat. The only ho in the world of Elizabeth Taylor that Lindsay Lohan should play is Larry Fortensky. La Liz herself said it best:
You hear that, Lifetime? Unless you're planning on digging up Liz's corpse, just stop! Actually, maybe that's not a bad idea. Liz's corpse would look better on camera, give a more believable performance and would never get caught doing lines with her mother on the toilet seat in her bathroom trailer. | |
| The Silver Fox & A Shake Weight: The Love Story That Never Was | Top |
Talking gay Siamese Cat Andy Cohen made an "I see what you did there" on Watch What Happens Live! last night when he handed Anderson Cooper an electric handjob trainer that most of us know as the Shake Weight. I'm sort of on a semi-mahboobatical, because my fucked-up obsession reached the top levels of insanity and I realized that he was keeping Carrot Top from making more appearances in my fap dreams. So when Andy handed him that Shake Weight, I stuffed a Valium in my peen hole to keep it from exploding off of my crotch while knocking my dormant Mah Boo obsession (mahboobsession?) back into me, but I didn't need to do that! Because Anderson's Shake Weighting skills barely registered a 0.00001 on the fap scale. Watch and be prepared to know what it feels like when your genitals frown: We all know that Anderson can shake a weight with the best of them, because it's etched into the tiles in the bathroom at Eastern Bloc, but the ho held back. I'm surprised that green Shake Weight didn't turn blue from the sexual frustration The Silver Fox put it through. I'm sure Horny Bear would say that he's seen actual silver foxes in the forest handle a Shake Weight better than Anderson did. But you know, I put all the blame on Andy Cohen. Andy should've given Anderson a Shake Weight that was olive-colored, covered in throbbing veins and had at least two biceps on it. Give Anderson something to work with! via Buzzfeed (Thanks to everybody who sent this in) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 9th! | Top |
Pimp Mama Kris: "Get it some implants, wax the stache, call it Kholleen and put it on the show with the others" - OurMissC Runners-up: Steve Jobs's replacement isn't fairing too well after he released the prototype for Apple's newest gadget, the ibellybutton. It collects its own dust and it can talk. Cum collector sold separately. - jackie Even Mark Wahlberg couldn't top that at the family reunion - Jintess Note: The full picture is after the jump just in case your boss frowns upon pictures of titties with peen tip nipples and coochie beards. Jump! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
If Venus was birthed in a Miller Lite box that swept up on the shores of a Miami-area swamp while surrounded by hillbillies smoking roach poison on a broken light bulb, she would look exactly like the modern sea goddess of Florida, Josie Goldberg! The sounds of Botticelli heeling himself in the crotch are echoing through the halls of heaven, because he will never forgive himself for being dead and not being able to capture this kind of awe-inspiring natural beauty in egg tempera. Josie Goldberg is a much sought-after actress (credits: Millionaire Matchmaker, Farmer Wants a Wife, etc, etc), model and she's the sole reason why the Miami Dade Coastal Cleanup can never keep up. Because cigarettes, PBR cans and crack pipes drop out of the hands of beachgoers whenever Josie gloats (I meant to type "floats" but my finger jumped to "g" and it knows best) onto the sand in yet another early 90s vintage swimsuit from the AS IS box at the Lane Bryant outlet. They must free their hands to slow clap at her graceful murf-releasing skills. But to me, Josie is known as the stunning ball of tepid sexiness that clogs up photo agency light boxes with her bikini beach photos every week. Seriously, I always see Florida's answer to the Birth of Venus on photo agency websites and I never knew who she was for the longest time. Josie is like a top-tier graduate of Phoebe Price's "Just Keep Showing Up On The Ho Stroll Until They Get Bored And Start Taking Your Picture" School of Ambition. If you're still hungry for more of Josie, feast your eyes on this. I haven't seen posing like this since I skipped through SwimsuitsForAll.com a couple of seconds ago to research this highly important story. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Chris "Daddy Mac" Smith (33) | |
| Beyonce Wants You To Know That Blue Ivy Came Out Naturally, Thank You Very Much | Top |
Since Dlisted has turned into Beylisted today, here's a final one to tip you over and pour you out. Releasing a new song featuring Blue Ivy's wailing debut (Side note: The song has already gone quadruple platinum and is a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize) wasn't enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, so they have thrown themselves on top of the media again and released a statement. Beyonce wants to put a shush on the rumor that she had a scheduled C-section and says in the statement that a chocha did burst open for the reincarnation of Jesus. "We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful – we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support." Meanwhile, Lenox Hill gave birth to their own statement that answered to the rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z paid them $1.3 million to redecorate and shut down an entire wing. "The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations. And the rep went on, "And the $1.3 million the Carters DID NOT give us DID NOT go toward naming a wing on the sixth floor after their child. That "The Blue Ivy Wing" sign made out of diamonds and platinum the workers are currently putting up on the sixth floor has nothing to do with Blue Ivy Carter. The Goddess of Childbirth's real name is Blue Ivy, or some shit. So don't even ask!" Meanwhile, as the Three Kings deliver trunks full of jewels to Blue Ivy, Basement Baby used her last dollar to buy a Baby Ruth from the waiting room vending machine and it got stuck. Basement Baby is still in the basement even when she's on the sixth floor. #solangeshrug | |
| Oh, Texas | Top |
Warning to all music hos who can't travel on a tour bus without a jar of the good shit at your side, do not roll through Sierra Blanca, TX, because they will stop you, snatch your stuff and cut your buzz short by arresting your ass. They did it to Willie Nelson and they did it to Snoop Dogg over the weekend. FREE SNOOOOOP (or just free his stash and let all of us split it up amongst ourselves)!!!! TMZ says that border patrol stopped Snoop's bus and ran a standard inspection with the help of a drug-sniffing dog. Of course, those dogs don't know any better, so they narced a bitch out and pointed police toward a trash can at the back of the bus. They found two joints (with about a half an ounce in them) stuffed into a prescription meds bottle. A DUH echoed through the state when Snoop admitted to the cops that the joints belonged to him. Snoop presented the cops with his medical marijuana license, but that shit is only valid in California and the cops shooed it away. They slapped Snoop with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession and released him. Snoop can either pay a $537 fine or challenge it in court. Okay, I'm fucked with shock over the fact that he was caught with only half an ounce. A drop of Snoop's saliva has more than half an ounce of weed in it. Either one of Snoop's assistants will be butt queefing out weed buds for days to come or he was traveling light that day. And on another subject, where can I get one of those weed-sniffing pooches? I'm sick of going to my friend's house and getting a blank face after I ask if he's got anything. A weed-sniffing pooch would solve that! Besides, I've always wanted to say, "The dog's nose says it's in your ass." | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
BREAKING: Prince William holds his own umbrella at the London premiere of War Horse (the movie directed by Steven Spielberg and not the documentary about how Camilla finally got Prince Charles to marry her ass) - Lainey Gossip Speaking War Horse, the nightmares that poor baby had that night... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Katy Perry tells her Jew-hating Christian preacher father to shut his lips - The Superficial Elin Nordegren's brand new Chateau de Suck It Tiger is going to look exactly like the mansion she tore down - Celebitchy A-Rod would like to put Kelly Kelly behind the cash wrap while he shops around a bit - Hollywood Tuna Can Emma Stone please tell Andrew Garfield to stop dressing like a first grader on his first day back from winter break? - The Berry John Travolta, set your Tivo! - Towleroad The ShamWow Guy took a break from scrappin' with hookers in Florida to shoot a new commercial - Towleroad TOM SELLECK!!! (oh and Maria Menudoswhatever is there too) - Popoholic All hail Queen Betty White on her 90th birthday extravaganzaaaaaa - Just Jared Cameron Diaz is a lovely shade of Butterfinger shit - Popsugar By "regrets" she means "dignity", right? - ICYDK That skid mark on your subway seat you thought was just chocolate sauce.... Well.... - OMG Blog Mel Gibson just found his next bride - Videogum Please tell me Christina Milian's dress is by Body Glove - Hollywood Rag The sweet nectar's got RiRi doing the two hand jobs and a blow pose - Cityrag Lisa Loeb's got a case of the BABIES!!! again - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Craig David And His Trainer | Top |
The good news is that Craig David (Google him, you dumb fuck!) still exists. The better news is that Craig David tried to give us some good fap material in Miami the other day when he took off his top and flexed all of his hard veins while doing of Tommy Girl's favorite sexercise. (But Tommy is the one holding the pink rope as a naked, lubed-up Puerto Rican hustler tries to run away from him. Tommy pulls that Puerto Rican hustler right onto his Scientolopeen every time. How else did you think he got those guns?!) The awful news is that all of these pictures are unfap-worthy because of Craig's nasty, gross, vomit-inducing foot condoms made from the devil's intestines. Mark all of these with a giant red X, pull up your pants and change your status from "away" to "available" on IM. (Tip of the day: Make sure you always set your IM status to "away" before you get into some good Internet porn, because nothing is worse than getting an IM from your mom while you're fapping away). | |
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