The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Halloween Is Canceled FOREVER
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Introducing The Stars Of Your Nightmares Tonight
- Aaron Carter's Meth Abs Are No More
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 20th!
- Johnny Depp As Barnabas Collins
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
The must-have phone of the 80s: the clear phone! If you grew up in the 80s, then the clear phone was probably on your birthday, Christmas, 8th grade graduation or inaugural menstrual celebration list at one point or another. It was a vibrator for your ears and everybody had to have one. And it lit up! If your best friend had a clear phone and you didn't, you'd willingly ruin your friendship with them by stealing it. (But eventually, you'd willingly ruin your friendship with them by fucking their boyfriend on their daybed, so you did the right thing. Your friendship with them was doomed to end since you're a thief and a slut.) My mom didn't think I was old enough for my own phone in the 80s, so I had to wait until the early 90s to get a clear phone when it was already over. But I didn't care. I also didn't care that my mom didn't get me the official clear phone from Spencer's Gifts and got me a piece of trash knock-off clear phone from the swap meet instead. It was never worked and was a piece of shit, but not your regular piece of shit. It's like if you saw a regular piece of shit on the street, you'd just say "That's a piece of shit!" and keep walking. But if you saw a clear piece of shit, you'd be hypnotized by it for a second, because you'd get to see all of the inner workings that make it a piece of shit. I don't know where my clear phone is today, but wherever it is, I'm sure it's entertaining the eyes of many by being a dazzling piece of shit. I hope it never changes. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Linda Blair (52) | |
| Halloween Is Canceled FOREVER | Top |
The answer to the question "Does true love last forever?" has just been answered with the sad image of Heidi Klum's vagina saying "One day you're in, ze next day you're aught!" to Seal's peen (which I'm pretty sure looks like this). Today is the day that Halloween and the meaning of love have joined hands and jumped to their deaths, because TMZ reports that Heidi Klum has kissed her marriage to Seal on both cheeks before saying "auf wiedersehen" to it after 6 years This is not supposed to happen and TMZ doesn't have a lot of answers. They're hearing that Heidi will drop divorce papers into the hands of the L.A. County Superior Court by as early as next week, but they don't say specifically why she's clubbing her marriage. Heidi and Seal seemed like they were both queefing out hearts for each other when they were together in Aspen over the holidays, so some for real shit must've went down between then and now. How can a couple who spread the cheese thick every year by renewing their vows in a lavish ceremony not make it? How can a couple who kept the costume industry alive by wearing lavish coordinating costumes every Halloween not last forever? How can a couple who has inspired me to use the word "LAVISH" twice in one paragraph not stay together till the end of time? WE NEED ANSWERS! Heidi and Seal owe it to us to gently sit us down at the table in the eat-in kitchen, give us each a juice box and tell us with puppets why daddy is moving out. Oh vel, the only good thing to come out of this is that Heidi and Seal will renew their divorce vows in a LAVISH ceremony every year while wearing LAVISH costumes. Keep the lavishness alive, HeiSea! | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Personally, my favorite response to a rude ho's cell phone screeching during a performance is when Hugh Jackman made nipples go hard by verbally slapping an uncouth (Yes, you now know that one of my resolutions is to use the word "uncouth" more) theatergoer. But this might come in second. At some fancy concert at a synagogue in Presov, Slovakia, violist Lukáš Kmit threw down like a gentlemen by giving the classiest response to a ringing cell phone killing the mood. This is how you slap a trick with a white glove through the power of music. And I just made a mental note to remember that when I'm at a Lukáš Kmit concert (Because I'm a serious Lukáš Kmit fangay, obviously. We call ourselves Kmittees.) and I want him to play a request, I'll just let my cellphone scream out my ringtone. I think I'll start with Too Short's "I Wanna Fuck Your Sister." | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Ann Wedgeworth (77) | |
| Introducing The Stars Of Your Nightmares Tonight | Top |
For absolutely no reason other than to prove that nightmares exist when you're awake (and to scare hos into another dimension at the Conjoined 2 art show in L.A.), special effects make-up artist Kevin Kirkpatrick brought Beavis & Butt-head out of the cartoon world and into real life. This terrifying shit looks like what comes in the mail when you order a real doll from hell. Nope, you didn't need to sleep tonight. Yes, that moist feeling down below is from you shitting out of your piss hole and pissing out of your shit hole. Beavis looks like what would you get if a methed-out Glenn Close slowly morphed into Conan O'Brien in some kind of Gummo universe and Butt-head looks like an inbred hillbilly bacchanalian who is about 3 minutes away from picking off whatever is left of your flesh from his braces. If you're about to fap to this, then your name must be Russell Brand. Kevin says he made these two devil dolls from acrylic and silicone, but I have a feeling he used sores from actual meth heads, human skin, eyeballs from deers and discarded foreskin. If Kevin ever needs another set of eyeballs for one of his works of terror, he can use mine since I don't think I need them anymore. | |
| Aaron Carter's Meth Abs Are No More | Top |
It was over a year ago when Aaron Carter challenged your claim to fap to anything when he posted a shirtless picture of himself looking like an HGH-addicted clitoris with Madonna arms. Aaron had the six-pack that meth built. But at Angels & Kings in NYC last night, the beats he threw down were so hot (your eye roll goes here and load the next on) that he ripped off his sequined blouse (your second eye roll goes here) from International Male and showed the paps that he no longer has a body straight out of the pages of Bodies of Meth Weekly. The ghost of Justin Bieber's future has completely dried out, so he says, and unlike a year ago you couldn't tweak out from snorting up his sweat. Aaron is totally a Nancy Reagan kind of drug-free and he has a "frat boy porn star turned freelance car mechanic" body to show for it. Or maybe Aaron's got an "XY Magazine model turned day-shift bartender at a Long Beach gay club" body. And that has to be a stick-on happy trail wig on Aaron's body, because I refuse to believe that it's possible for a Carter to grow body hair. They don't even have to follicles down there. The meth ate 'em! | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
You could GOOP's face tells me that her colon has finally slipped out of her ass in a tidal wave of maple syrup cayenne pepper water - Lainey Gossip I'd hit it X 70 - The Berry Just another lesbijunior at a gay pride parade - Towleroad And hopefully Russell Brand is so devastated about Katy Perry unfollowing him that he will cry at the bottom of a hot shower and try to wash off the dirty feeling of rejection with doctor-prescribed antibiotic soap - The Superficial Why, hello there, Mena Suvari's ass crack - Hollywood Tuna A lucky puppy in Utah will soon get a new home and a new tuxedo that Jennifer Aniston will make him wear in mock weddings when she has a fight with Justin Theroux - Celebitchy Another day, another set of pictures of Vanessa Hudgens sucking on Austin Butler's tonsils like a clit - Just Jared Kenny G was married to a Bogdanoff twin? - ICYDK Elsa Pataky's knocked up ass in a two piece - Popoholic Jeff Goldblum struttin' his ass in an outfit that makes my eyeballs want to strut out of my head - Popsugar SOPA is almost dead and thank everything for that because every time I read it I really want a bowl of menudo - The Daily What I hear the captain of the Costa Concordia needs a job - I'm Not Obsessed Little Corgi goes boom - Cityrag So that's why Fisto was my favorite - OMG Blog I want to see Thor try to sledgehammer Fisto if I ain't being too subtle - Hollywood Rag | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 20th! | Top |
via Evil Milk | |
| Johnny Depp As Barnabas Collins | Top |
Looking like he's had way too many Chemical Romances, Johnny Depp waves an acrylic prostate stabber in a new still from Tim Burton's Dark Shadows. I'm not sure if he looks like a white goth NeNe Leakes (it's the bangs and sharpened acrylic nail) to me or the love child that Liza Minnelli and Michael Jackson should've had together. That shit is unclear. But what's crystal meth clear is that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are majority share holders in Hot Topic. I know some grown ex-goths in their 30s who are going to break into their old high schools, fix their old records so it looks like they actually flunked and then re-enroll just so they can miserably stomp through the halls with a Dark Shadows t-shirt over their fishnet top and a Dark Shadows lunchbox in their hand. All bought at Hot Topic, of course. It's a GOTHSPIRACY! via USA Today | |
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