The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Tip Of The Day: How To Dry Hump Doogie Howser In Public
- Chaz Bono Is Saving Up For A Peen
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 5th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- LeAnn Rimes Is At The Beach Again
- Open Post: Hosted By Fauxgelina
- Elin Nordegren Just Bulldozed This Florida Mansion Down
| Tip Of The Day: How To Dry Hump Doogie Howser In Public | Top |
| If "doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser" is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that "hyena getting struck by lightning" feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever. | |
| Chaz Bono Is Saving Up For A Peen | Top |
Chaz Bono's former fiancee wasn't looking forward to putting her mouth over a peen instead of a poon, but now that she's gone he can freely chase after his dick-getting dreams. But first, Chaz has to fill his peen fund with enough dollars to pay for the surgery. Chaz tells Rolling Stone that he's already picked out a doctor in Belgrade and all he needs is around $45,000 to take his down low parts from clit to cock. Chaz broke it down, and yes, my eyeballs bungeed out of their sockets and hit the screen after I read that his shiny new dick could be Tommy Lee-sized. "I could get a phalloplasty, which builds the phallus from a donor site on your body," he says straightforwardly, "but I'm leaning more toward a metoidioplasty. It's a procedure that uses what you already have down there" – he means his clitoris – "which has grown larger from the testosterone. You end up with a smaller phallus than with the phalloplasty, but it's fully functional, it gets erect, and the sensation is all there." I don't know if it was Chaz or another transman who said that he wasn't touching his bottom area yet, because the recovery from the surgery is as painful as getting fucked in the pee hole with a hot screw and the dick doesn't even work that well anyway. I read a while ago that some new dicks can only get fully erect with the help of a pump. That would kind of suck. You're like, "Get ready, bitch, this rock hard fat dick is going to fuck you into another religion! Hold onto your nipples cause they're gonna pop off from the fuck quake I'm about to hit you with. We're going to break the Richter Scale tonight! Are you ready? Oh wait, can you grab that bike pump out of the closet..." (<---- That's pretty much the dialogue heard in Hugh Hefner's room every night.) But I'm glad to hear from Chaz that this doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I'm also glad to hear that Chaz's peen will be able to grow naturally and then some! I mean, it's been a while since I've failed grade school math, but three times four equals twelve, right? Chaz can get himself a 12 inch salchicha dick? Chaz says that he will never ask Cher for the money since he wants to do this own his own, but I say, STOP IT! When it comes to getting a 12-inch dick, all pride for independence should fly out of the window. Just get that 12-inch dick, Chaz! Seriously, if Chaz gets hit by a bus tomorrow, wouldn't he want to be hit while having a 12-inch dick? I don't even see Chaz's lips moving and I can tell that he's fighting to say the word YAAAASSSSS! Hell, Cher is so rich that she can buy everyone a 12 incher. She could be like the Oprah of 12-inch dicks. You get a 12-inch dick and you get a 12-inch dick! I'll take one. My arm is getting so tired from hitting the snooze button 50 times every morning, so it would be nice to be able to hit that button with my new 1 footer. And Google tells me that Chaz will still have an orgasm, but won't be able to ejaculate. Those surgeons should try to fix that problem. Can't they install jizz sacks down? Flavored ones? That would really be the best and I'd get that. Can you imagine if you had flavored jizz? That would be a priceless pick-up tool. Think about it. You're at the cream bar at Starbucks when some hot piece mutters to himself, "Ugh, they're out of hazelnut." You wink inside knowing you've got this, grab his cup and fiddle with a few knobs on your nutsack before you quickly shoot out a stream of hazelnut deliciousness. That would be a beautiful story to tell everyone on your wedding day. (Image via Out Magazine) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 5th! | Top |
Give Tila credit, she always lives in line with her current career status. - Foreskin Salsa Runners-up: Tina was starting to regret having asked Santa for a Bulimia Barbie™ for Christmas. - Strepsi Well this is one way to maximize space in a tiny Hong Kong apartment. - Deb via Metro | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Barbara Terry (aka Cleo from Hookers at the Point) - One of the most seasoned hos still trading coochie for dollars on the streets of Hunts Point in the Bronx. 52-year-old Barbara slapped a price tag on her pussy over 30 years ago after her husband left her with bills to pay and four empty stomachs to fill. Barbara only knew about the prostitution whore game from watching Starsky & Hutch, but she heard about what goes on at Hunts Point and so she headed on out there to begin a career of sucking rubber attached to semi-hard trucker dick and jumping into dumpsters to hide from the cops. Barbara has been locked up over 100 times, but she's also been able to put two of her children through college (cut to Barbara sashaying up to the admissions office with a shoe box full of sticky hundred dollars bills) and buy a house upstate (cut to Barbara sashaying up to the owner with a plastic grocery bag full of dollars bills that smell like stale goat milk and strawberry lube). Miss Oldest Pussy in the Game isn't done either. Barbara tells The New York Times that her children beg her to retire from the stroll, but her arthritis-ridden, grey-haired 'gina still has a few more miles on it. "I love the excitement of coming out here and seeing all these beautiful people I know," she said. "Even my dates are a comfort. This place has made me strong. It keeps you young." "When I'm ready to get off, I'll get off" are words to live by. I was about to seriously say that I want to be like Miss Barbara when I enter the "gargling with Metamucil after sucking peen for Celebrex pills" phase of my life, but she's got a purple heart pussy and is built special. If I sold ass for over 30 years, I'd have to tell my clients that if they feel a gushy mound of something touching their peen head, it's just my internal organs falling out of my ass. I don't think that's a selling point. Actually, it probably is. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Eddie Redmayne (30) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
Wonder why this B list movie actress from an acting family has been looking so glum despite the biggest boost to her career ever? It could have something to do with the fact that this A++ list movie actor was having sex with her while cheating on his significant other and telling her she was everything he wanted and then he ran off and married a B list movie actress. She has not forgiven him, and refuses to talk to him unless absolutely necessary. (CDAN) The Girl with the Puff the Magic Dragon Tattoo started shooting in Sweden in September 2010 and Daniel Craig started aronofsky-ing on Rachel Weisz around November 2010.....so my official guess is DC, RW and my favorite new shade thrower Rooney Mara. I figured Rooney was putting on an Emo face for her transformation into an edgy Vulcan. Well, being scored by Daniel Craig dick would put the sour into anyone's face. This celebrity sibling rivalry is getting out of hand. Two sisters are both trying to get a fashion line started up. Investors are concerned that both of them doing this separately will hurt sales and are reluctant to back them. The sisters don't know this, but their mother approached the investors and helped back one sister over the other. We're not sure why she's playing favorites, but it looks like only one sister will have her dream of becoming a designer come true. (BuzzFoto) Please let this be The Landers (or at least The Junior Landers), because we don't deserve yet another set of child slave-made whore rags from the Kuntrashians. This insatiable actor is setting new records for decadence. Over the holidays he participated in a threesome with two women. One of these women was his ex-wife (who is an actress), and the other was just some random girl. The very next day, he participated in yet another threesome, this time with a woman and a man. The woman was his ex-girlfriend, and the man was her husband. Where does our actor find the energy? Who knew that his exes were on good terms with him? Since when does he swing both ways? And where the heck were the kids when all this was going down? (Blind Gossip) Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards? Exhibit: A | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz make their first red carpet appearance together and his hand is slowly making its way toward her chichi - Just Jared Can't Kristen Wiig just do the Bridesmaids sequel as her Tiny Hands character? - Lainey Gossip This rumor actually makes me miss Kevin Spacey was Lex Luthor - The Superficial Adrianne Curry gifts her followers with her 2005 chichis - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather This shoulder pads list needs way more Joan Collins - The Berry Jeremy Renner got fucked up in Phuket - Celebitchy The Empress of Lucite shows Courtney Stodden how casual elegance is really done - Hollywood Tuna I don't know what's scarier: Gary Busey's jaws of death or Ted Haggard's manufactured happiness - Towleroad Vanessa Hudgens is killing me softly with her UGGs - Popoholic Drew Barrymore is going for marriage number three - Popsugar The twee-est divorce in history is officially on - ICYDK Excuse me while I go and join the Julia Sugarbaker's Ghost 4 President campaign - OMG Blog Why is the girl with the dragon tattoo pissing on art? - The Daily What Add this one to your foot fetish file - Hollywood Rag Hopefully Bradley Cooper's beard has shaving cream in that bag - Celebslam Meryl Streep looks beautiful (served with zero percent bitchiness) - SOW Yes, these are some ugly ass waterbeds but I'd still wrestle a silver fox on each and every one of them - Cityrag Memaw Timberlake spills the tea, doesn't give a fuck while doing so - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| LeAnn Rimes Is At The Beach Again | Top |
Ignore the sounds of Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing in your head, because even though LeAnn Rimes looks like a neglected horse fly who suffers from the dizzies due to malnourishment, she doesn't need your $18 a month donation. LeAnn Rimes needs a lot of things (examples: shame, dignity, the name of a good titty ball surgeon), but what she doesn't need is a donation. LeAnn's feedbag must be filled with nothing but gold coins, because she's permanently on vacation. In just the past few weeks, bitch was in Aspen and Mexico. And now she's strutting her yard apart chichis in Hawaii. LeAnn and a friend were horsing around (If you GONG me for that one, make sure it leaves a mark.) on the beach yesterday in front of a bunch of paps who I'm sure she called herself. LeAnn can't go a week without posing for pictures that look like they came straight out of Horse Fancy's swimsuit edition. And I need to take a quick moment to shed light on the abuse that plastic ball is enduring at the hooves of LeAnn Rimes. Can you imagine the painful emotions it's going through as it flies toward a ho with a cemetery of plastic balls on her chest? That poor plastic ball thinks she's going to catch it and stuff it into her chest where it will be trapped forever. What an evil bitch. Think of the plastic balls, LeAnn! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Fauxgelina | Top |
| This is from the medieval days of 2009, but I'm posting it as a service message to third world orphans who are waiting for the moment that St. Angie Jolie will whisk into their jungle and take them away to her French chateau where they'll spend most of their days being driven around in a sidecar by Brad Pitt. There are fake St. Angie Jolies out there who won't whisk your third world orphan ass off to France. Don't let them fool you! Case in point: Meet Lina Sanz, a Spanish actress who wants to work as an Angie Jolie impersonator. Does she look like the saintly one? Yeah. But Lina is missing a mutant vein on her forehead and I don't have the sudden urge to stuff half of Claim Jumper's menu into her hunger hole. Lina should work on that. And was all that "Oh, put your hair down..." and "You look very very nice" from the casting lady really necessary. This shit is a "Take your top off" away from being Coco's audition scene in Fame. via Buzzfeed | |
| Elin Nordegren Just Bulldozed This Florida Mansion Down | Top |
One day you're wiping up another child's barf as the nanny, then you're humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you're chasing him down with a golf club and then you're bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way. TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice's "living in a used house is gross" way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement. Isn't this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game. But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you....ALANA! "I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!" is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child. | |
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