The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 23rd!
- The Wedding Of The Year That Never Was
- Open Post: Hosted By The Girl Who Can Sneeze With Her Eyes Wide Open
- Portrait Of A Layla
- 2012 Is A Real Thing: Jennifer Aniston Might Be Knocked Up
- Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio
- KWellFed Suffers A "Mini" Cardiac Arrest In Australia
- Heidi Klum And Seal Are Totally Over (I Mean It This Time)
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 20th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 23rd! | Top |
via Poorly Dressed | |
| The Wedding Of The Year That Never Was | Top |
A good wig, a strong breast cream that will keep her underchichi areas from chafing and a furrier who specializes in Muppet pelts are just some of the things that are important to Aretha Franklin, but she made it clear in a statement today that nothing is more important to her than the sanctity of marriage which is why she's decided to press pause on making William "Catfish" Wickerson her third husband: "Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly. There will be no wedding at this time. We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends." So either: a) Catfish wasn't about to sign a prenup; or b) Catfish and Aretha didn't want to lose the quick sinful rush they feel from having premarital titty sex. via UsWeekly | |
| Open Post: Hosted By The Girl Who Can Sneeze With Her Eyes Wide Open | Top |
| I already know that there's no way I can sneeze with my eyes open and I'm not about to try, but after watching this clip I now know that I can cringe with my entire face while my eyes stay wide open to watch a girl shove an entire tissue finger up her damn nostril. Do not try this at home unless you really want the devil to show himself through your face. | |
| Portrait Of A Layla | Top |
The Mona Lisa has had a good run as the First Lady of High Art, but the time has come for her to slide off of the wall, because a worthy replacement has emerged in Desperate Scousewives star and my personal deity Layla Flaherty. You can't tell me that you wouldn't wait 2 hours in a line outside of the Louvre to see the stunning portrait above behind bulletproof glass:
It's meant to be, right? It's like the Mona Lisa is only meant to be a preview for the true work of beautiful art that is to come. I'll add your name to the "Layla Flaherty To Replace The Mona Lisa" petition I'm going to send the Louvre. In just a couple of weeks, Layla Flaherty has made me a believer of whatever she's preaching by carrying herself with dignity, grace and class. Take the other night for instance. Most whores would spend their night getting so fucked up on the sweet nectar that they'd suck off anything, make an ass out of themselves in the middle of a Subway and eventually pass the hell out on a street barrier before getting carried to their car (like all of us!). But not Layla. Layla spent her night cleansing that dirty, slutty city with her vat of holy water mouth. Layla baptized the head of a lip gloss peen! Layla baptized the wrapper around a foot long (I bet that foot long was so pissed it was wearing a paper condom)! Layla baptized a Sprite bottle! Layla baptized the glass door of a Subway that probably has already been baptized by the piss splatters of a hobo! Layla baptized a dress bow! And after all that baptizing, Layla grew so exhausted from all her charitable deeds that she passed out and had to be carried back to her church by one of her disciples. If this isn't proof that Layla is the second | |
| 2012 Is A Real Thing: Jennifer Aniston Might Be Knocked Up | Top |
If Jennifer Aniston had a baby for every time the tabloids said she was having a baby, she'd have more babies than Cabbage Patch Groom Dolls (read: a lot of fucking babies) and a child army to rival all child armies. If the tabloids aren't saying she's got a crying fetus in her womb, they're saying that she's crying in the fetal position inside of Beanie Baby Mountain (aka her safe place), because she got dumped again. But for the past few weeks, Star Magazine, The Enquirer and some others have been saying that Jennifer's dog is breathing a sigh of relief, because now that she's knocked up it no longer has to wear a bonnet while she tucks it into its crib at night. The Daily Mail is now co-signing all of that and their source is telling them that Jennifer is taking a break from barfing out romantic comedy after romantic comedy to be a mother: "She wants to focus on herself and hopefully becoming a mother. She is thinking of launching her own fashion line which would allow her to spend more time at home." But the fun haters at Gossip Cop asked Jen's publicist about this and he said her uterus still has a vacancy sign on it and she's not taking a break anytime soon. Who to believe? On one hand, the tabloids have been nailing me in the head with their "The Last Sign of The Apocalypse: Jennifer Aniston is Having Twins" headlines so hard that I'm starting to believe it. But on the other hand, if Jennifer Aniston was pregnant, she'd put on a bikini bottom made from her latest sonogram scan, stick two positive pregnancy tests over her nipples and then run in front of her arch rival Maddox during one of his staged photo-ops. We really shouldn't believe that Aniston is knocked up until we see Maddox with a defeated look on his face and a mourning outfit on his body. FYI: In the Brangelina world, a mourning outfit is anything that's not black. | |
| Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio | Top |
Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums. Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit! via ONTD | |
| KWellFed Suffers A "Mini" Cardiac Arrest In Australia | Top |
Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the 'beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown. A spokesperson for Channel 9's Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain't going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale. You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I've been on a sort of diet. I haven't been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I've been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed's fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him. Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they're huffing like they're trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it's the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it's the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp. Doesn't Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, "NOOO! IT HURTS!" But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, "YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!" So see, I'm only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do. | |
| Heidi Klum And Seal Are Totally Over (I Mean It This Time) | Top |
Who do I need to talk to about extending the weekend to today and tomorrow, because all of us need an extra two days to recover from the emotional roller coaster of tragic uncertainty that Heidi Klum and Seal put us through. It all started on Saturday morning when the meaning of love cried itself into a sad puddle after TMZ said that Heidi is filing for divorce this week. Then on Sunday morning, People peeled us off of the bathroom floor, gently pulled the bottle of Jack out of our anuses and the dildo out of our mouths (In our vulnerable state, we all got confused about what goes into which hole. It happens.) to tell us that Heidi and Seal were working out. But the roller coaster finally crashed into the pavement last night when Heidi and Seal told People that they are done. "While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate. We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition. We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children's sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy." TMZ is now saying that Seal is a complete raging dickfart and since nobody likes a mean seal, Heidi is getting out of there. It also isn't soothing Seal's ego knowing that his wife makes more money than he does. Whatever the reason is, can they just stop it already? One day Seal's in Heidi, the next day Seal's out of Heidi. My emotions (and my whiskey-soaked prostate) can't take it! All this Seal news has forced me to listen to "Kiss From A Rose" more times than one person should (once) and I got so low that I even searched for Heidi's song on YouTube. That's the Internet equivalent of reciting lines from The Way We Were to your cats while wearing your nastiest period sweats and eating bowls of ice cream soup. And on a different note, almost every article about Seal and Heidi I read mentioned that he has a new album coming out. This is why the state of California should really add "Stunt Queen Moves" to its reasons for divorce list. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 20th! | Top |
The new TempurPedic breast implants do not transfer motion, and can be used as a serving tray. - ImpertinentVixen Runners-up: Spencer and Heidi are so broke, Heidi's implants had to get a job. - TomHanksIsHot IN THIS ECONOMY, all US Airways flight attendants are now required to serve beverages AND double as flotation devices. - Danasaurus Sex via Evil Milk | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Lisa Woodman, a 28-year-old single mother of four from Worcester, West Midlands in England who has been banned from every club in her town for dressing like a sophisticated and refined young lady. Worcester: The Town That Hates Elegance! There are many injustices in the world (examples: In-N-Out refusing to sell animal style-scented lube, the Kardashians making millions of dollars instead of sucking dirty ass for coins and leftovers in a Bangkok brothel, etc..), but one of the greatest injustices is that this 28-year-old (I had to type her natural age in twice in case you thought I was suffering from a concussion the first time I typed it) flower can't dance in a prestigious nightclub while looking like a morning shift hooker who hangs out in front of trucker bars in hopes of getting some business from drunk dudes with their beer goggles still firmly on. Lisa tells the newspaper of the people, The Daily Mail, that all three clubs in Worcester (Mode, Tramps and Velvet) banned her after telling her that she's too old to wear the official ho shit uniform and they won't let her in until she covers up. I'm not sure I want to live in a world where a top shelf tramp like this can't get into a club named after her people. As I organize a Million Old Slut March in front of Tramps, read the plight of an English rose and be moved: "None of the pubs give me any hassle about my outfits so why do the nightclubs have such a problem? There were teenagers and girls in their 20s wearing much more revealing outfits but they went straight in. When I asked the bouncers why me and my sister weren't allowed in, they just said 'You're too old to wear that get-up'. I couldn't believe it. I'm only 28 and still consider myself young. The problem doesn't lie in Lisa's Christian Louboutugjob boots or her Chanel: Slut Label dress, it lies in the club owners of Worcester. They know that if they let Lisa into their clubs, every girl would immediately club her boyfriend over the head with a cocktail glass, throw him over her shoulder and head for the exit door, because she knows she could never compete with this kind of modest beauty. It's sad to know that prejudice against sophisticated ladies still exists today. There's only thing for Lisa to do. She's much too much of a brilliant, untarnished diamond for Worcester to handle. She needs to move to the old ho shit mecca: HOLLYWOOD! Hollywood doesn't only embrace graceful swans dressed like Grand Theft Auto hookers, they give them reality shows and paparazzi deals. Lisa, let the Statue of Skank Liberty, Courtney Stodden, welcome you to the promise land. | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment