The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Birthday Sluts
- Beyonce Wants You To Know That Blue Ivy Came Out Naturally, Thank You Very Much
- Oh, Texas
- Afternoon Crumbs
- The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 9th!
- Open Post: Hosted By Craig David And His Trainer
- B.I.C. (Blue Ivy Carter) Is Already A Recording Star
- Natural Elegance Collides With Legendary Glamour At The Grove
- When The Look From A Dude In A Red Polo Shirt Says It All
- No, Jay-Z's Bodyguards Will Not Let You Visit Your Sick Twins
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
| Chris "Daddy Mac" Smith (33) | |
| Beyonce Wants You To Know That Blue Ivy Came Out Naturally, Thank You Very Much | Top |
Since Dlisted has turned into Beylisted today, here's a final one to tip you over and pour you out. Releasing a new song featuring Blue Ivy's wailing debut (Side note: The song has already gone quadruple platinum and is a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize) wasn't enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, so they have thrown themselves on top of the media again and released a statement. Beyonce wants to put a shush on the rumor that she had a scheduled C-section and says in the statement that a chocha did burst open for the reincarnation of Jesus. "We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful – we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support." Meanwhile, Lenox Hill gave birth to their own statement that answered to the rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z paid them $1.3 million to redecorate and shut down an entire wing. "The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations. And the rep went on, "And the $1.3 million the Carters DID NOT give us DID NOT go toward naming a wing on the sixth floor after their child. That "The Blue Ivy Wing" sign made out of diamonds and platinum the workers are currently putting up on the sixth floor has nothing to do with Blue Ivy Carter. The Goddess of Childbirth's real name is Blue Ivy, or some shit. So don't even ask!" Meanwhile, as the Three Kings deliver trunks full of jewels to Blue Ivy, Basement Baby used her last dollar to buy a Baby Ruth from the waiting room vending machine and it got stuck. Basement Baby is still in the basement even when she's on the sixth floor. #solangeshrug | |
| Oh, Texas | Top |
Warning to all music hos who can't travel on a tour bus without a jar of the good shit at your side, do not roll through Sierra Blanca, TX, because they will stop you, snatch your stuff and cut your buzz short by arresting your ass. They did it to Willie Nelson and they did it to Snoop Dogg over the weekend. FREE SNOOOOOP (or just free his stash and let all of us split it up amongst ourselves)!!!! TMZ says that border patrol stopped Snoop's bus and ran a standard inspection with the help of a drug-sniffing dog. Of course, those dogs don't know any better, so they narced a bitch out and pointed police toward a trash can at the back of the bus. They found two joints (with about a half an ounce in them) stuffed into a prescription meds bottle. A DUH echoed through the state when Snoop admitted to the cops that the joints belonged to him. Snoop presented the cops with his medical marijuana license, but that shit is only valid in California and the cops shooed it away. They slapped Snoop with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession and released him. Snoop can either pay a $537 fine or challenge it in court. Okay, I'm fucked with shock over the fact that he was caught with only half an ounce. A drop of Snoop's saliva has more than half an ounce of weed in it. Either one of Snoop's assistants will be butt queefing out weed buds for days to come or he was traveling light that day. And on another subject, where can I get one of those weed-sniffing pooches? I'm sick of going to my friend's house and getting a blank face after I ask if he's got anything. A weed-sniffing pooch would solve that! Besides, I've always wanted to say, "The dog's nose says it's in your ass." | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
BREAKING: Prince William holds his own umbrella at the London premiere of War Horse (the movie directed by Steven Spielberg and not the documentary about how Camilla finally got Prince Charles to marry her ass) - Lainey Gossip Speaking War Horse, the nightmares that poor baby had that night... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Katy Perry tells her Jew-hating Christian preacher father to shut his lips - The Superficial Elin Nordegren's brand new Chateau de Suck It Tiger is going to look exactly like the mansion she tore down - Celebitchy A-Rod would like to put Kelly Kelly behind the cash wrap while he shops around a bit - Hollywood Tuna Can Emma Stone please tell Andrew Garfield to stop dressing like a first grader on his first day back from winter break? - The Berry John Travolta, set your Tivo! - Towleroad The ShamWow Guy took a break from scrappin' with hookers in Florida to shoot a new commercial - Towleroad TOM SELLECK!!! (oh and Maria Menudoswhatever is there too) - Popoholic All hail Queen Betty White on her 90th birthday extravaganzaaaaaa - Just Jared Cameron Diaz is a lovely shade of Butterfinger shit - Popsugar By "regrets" she means "dignity", right? - ICYDK That skid mark on your subway seat you thought was just chocolate sauce.... Well.... - OMG Blog Mel Gibson just found his next bride - Videogum Please tell me Christina Milian's dress is by Body Glove - Hollywood Rag The sweet nectar's got RiRi doing the two hand jobs and a blow pose - Cityrag Lisa Loeb's got a case of the BABIES!!! again - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest For January 9th! | Top |
The full picture is after the jump just in case your boss frowns upon pictures of titties with peen tip nipples and coochie beards. Jump! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Craig David And His Trainer | Top |
The good news is that Craig David (Google him, you dumb fuck!) still exists. The better news is that Craig David tried to give us some good fap material in Miami the other day when he took off his top and flexed all of his hard veins while doing of Tommy Girl's favorite sexercise. (But Tommy is the one holding the pink rope as a naked, lubed-up Puerto Rican hustler tries to run away from him. Tommy pulls that Puerto Rican hustler right onto his Scientolopeen every time. How else did you think he got those guns?!) The awful news is that all of these pictures are unfap-worthy because of Craig's nasty, gross, vomit-inducing foot condoms made from the devil's intestines. Mark all of these with a giant red X, pull up your pants and change your status from "away" to "available" on IM. (Tip of the day: Make sure you always set your IM status to "away" before you get into some good Internet porn, because nothing is worse than getting an IM from your mom while you're fapping away). | |
| B.I.C. (Blue Ivy Carter) Is Already A Recording Star | Top |
| While Michelle Williams hears nothing but the sound of a tumbleweave blowing down the lonely road when she asks "Whose butt do I have to much to get my song played?!", Blue Ivy Carter just has to be born to get some airplay. Just two days after Blue Ivy caused chaos at Lenox Hill, Jay-Z has released a new single called "Glory (Ft. B.I.C.)" where he confesses that Beyonce had a miscarriage before. Here's all the lyrics courtesy of Jezebel: The most amazing feeling I feel "Did you wiggle your ass for her?" I'm not a mother to a newborn messiah, but I'm pretty sure she's wiggling her ass, because she wants the nanny (Basement Baby) to change her House of Derriere diaper. And the crying at the end?! The Grammy committee is probably holding an emergency meeting as a fart this out to come up with a way to give Blue Ivy Carter some kind of special award. The one thing this song tells me is that we're never ever ever going to stop hearing about this baby. Hell, I can't even take a hit from my bong without looking at my BIC lighter and seeing Blue Ivy Carter instead of the BIC Man. Well, damn. | |
| Natural Elegance Collides With Legendary Glamour At The Grove | Top |
| Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list. Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses. And now it's time for a math problem! When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other? Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO! BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by | |
| When The Look From A Dude In A Red Polo Shirt Says It All | Top |
Willow "Coloring Outside of the Lines" Smith, Jaden Smith and their gang of Latch Key Kids left the Louis Vuitton store in L.A. the other night and I have two very good reasons for being mad at her. The first being that the gay poodle's ass on her head has given me a craving for cinnamon candy popcorn and that's not okay since my shit is on a diet after swallowing all the good things Italy has to offer for a week. The second being that I wish that when I was 3 (or however old she is) I could walk around looking like the acid-tipped Bride of Minajestein without the fear of an abuelita slapping the WTF off of my head with a chancleta. | |
| No, Jay-Z's Bodyguards Will Not Let You Visit Your Sick Twins | Top |
Beyonce and Jay-Z bought an entire wing of the sixth floor of Lenox Hill Hospital for $1.3 million, because self-entitlement runs through their veins, and because they didn't want anybody "Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway. They should have been more strategic about it Tches are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology. A rep for Lenox Hill said that she's trying to hear Mr. Coulon's complaint, but it's hard to hear him over the sound of a machine counting all the cash that Jay-Z and Beyonce gave them. I'm sure Mr. Coulon will soon receive a postcard from Lenox Hill that reads: Jay-Z and Beyonce gave us money-loving whores $1.3 million, your argument is invalid. Mr. Coulon had it kind of easy, though. I heard that on Saturday night, every world leader ordered a cease labor on all contracting coochies, because Beyonce refused for her special golden child to be born at the same time as a bunch of regulars! | |
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