The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- A Double Shot Of Class
- Casper Smart Is A Master Poetweeter
- Maury's Services Are Not Needed After All
- The Bitch Word Is Alive And Well In Jay-Z's Mouth
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 18th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Cindy Crawford's 10-Year-Old Daughter Is A Model Now
- Marky Mark Is Sorry For Saying He Would've Been The Savior Of 9/11
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
She's off her meds, and it's not good. She has returned to the very behavior that got her into so much trouble in the first place, including the drugs and the alcohol and the self-harming. It's almost surreal to hear her spout absolute bullshit about being healthy and happy and sober when she is exactly the opposite. In fact, just a week ago she was out at some madhouse of a bar, drunk off her ass, doing multiple shots and snorting coke in the bathroom. Let's cut to the chase, and get more direct: Look, we know that you and your friends are reading this. It is absolute madness for you to think that this will end well. You are a beautiful and talented girl, but you ARE going to lose your fans and your career and probably your life if you keep this up. Remember how upset one of your siblings was when someone picked on them? Do you realize how much more emotionally destroyed they would be if you actually died? You should think about that, because that is exactly where you are heading right now. We don't care if you lie to people about what your problems are. We don't care if you pretend that you are going on vacation. Just get yourself back into rehab (or treatment, if it makes you feel better to call it that), and get well. Now. (Blind Gossip) DAMN. Am I the only who got shades of Tyra's melodramatic WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU speech? I need a shot of coke and a line of booze after reading that. I'm not even a cutter or a snorter (only neti pot water) and I feel like maybe I need to check into rehab. Which B list celebrity couple who have been together for a while, has an open marriage where they 'trade spouses' with this C list actress married to a B list musician? (BuzzFoto) B list couple = Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell? Which squeaky-clean actor's drug habit is so bad, he's starting to get a reputation and be passed over for big roles? (Page Six) Topher Grace! This former almost A list R&B singer who is still gorgeous, but has not had a hit in awhile and has been in this space before has been the go to person for when this married A+ rapper who has also been in this space before has needed to relax for the past few months because his celebrity wife does not want to help him relax. Is it any surprise that everyone thinks her next album will do really well. I guess she is taking very good care of him. (CDAN) Ashanti & Jay-Z? | |
| A Double Shot Of Class | Top |
The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple. Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time. That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!
Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!! | |
| Casper Smart Is A Master Poetweeter | Top |
Last month, Casper Smart jail broke the Speak & Spell in his nursery to Tweet fight with all of his haters and he's done it again, but this time we saw a wiser, gentler and a more profound side of Casper the Friendly Boy Toy. JLo's baby is growing up. Casper must be sick of restaurant hosts pulling up a high chair for him when he takes his abuela (the restaurant host's words, not mine) out to dinner, because he covered his Twitter page with a poem called "Love Sees No Age (Because The Blinking Dollar Signs Are In The Way)" Casper's poetweet was as meaningful as a JLo ballad and as suspenseful as watching Skeletor hold a fan's baby (Will he kiss it or will he suck all the blood out of its neck?). Casper's poem is so suspenseful that Rod Serling is going to resurrect himself from the grave to turn these Tweets into a very special Tweetlight Zone episode. Seriously, put a thimble on each of your fingers, because you will have the urge to bite down to your cuticles. Age, status, n opinions of others are irrelevant. Our hearts are endless and our souls infinite........... To be continued Don't you have that same feeling you felt after Lost's season 2 cliffhanger?! The anticipation is eating those thimbles off of your fingers! Breathe, because Casper didn't wait an entire season to tell you what comes next. Our ages are mere reminders of the hours logged on this earth and the precious time remaining......... To be continued You're right, Casper! We only have a few precious hours on earth, so please tell everyone the next part of they'll be buried with this look on their faces because they went to the grave not knowing what happens in part 3! We should all honor our time here by indulging our passion and dreams. So, close your ears and open your hearts; Love and be happy! Aaaand exhale. Can you believe you got through that without your heart jumping out of your mouth to hit the scroll button to find out what happens next?! That Casper is as masterful at bullshitting as he is as writing suspenseful poetry. This what happens when Pampers puts famous lines of poetry on their sticky tabs and JLo starts showing Scooby Doo episodes in Casper's playroom. I know you probably chewed through those thimbles and pulled your nails out, so I made you an appointment for a nail transplant. Your appointment is scheduled for........... To be continued. | |
| Maury's Services Are Not Needed After All | Top |
Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make. The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness: "O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives. Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this. And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this: Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan! Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench. | |
| The Bitch Word Is Alive And Well In Jay-Z's Mouth | Top |
Seen here getting a serious whiff of a lucky piece of his ego that escaped out of his butthole and slipped up to freedom through his legs, Jay-Z left Blue Ivy Carter at home with Beyonce (and a team of nannies, and a chef who specializes in gourmet-flavored tit leche, and a choreographer who specializes in teaching newborns how to kick with the beat, and a voice teacher who specializes in teaching newborns how to burp with vibrato, and a gold miner who specializes in sifting through the caca lumps of a chosen one to find D-class diamonds) to hold court at the grand re-opening of his club 40/40 in NYC last night. Had I known that Jay-Z was coming outside, I would've staged a pro-bitch rally and thrown proud bitches (like my friend Jesse, my friend Dr. Jennifer, every Dlisted commenter, a couple of my neighbors and a few my relatives) at him as he walked the carpet. LONG LIVE BITCHES! But there was no need for that, because Jay-Z told reporters that he did not write the anti-bitch poem and "bitch" will still make an appearance on his tongue (insert your own Kanye's booty hole joke here). That whole anti-bitch poem seemed suspect to me from the very beginning and I knew it had to be as fake as the smile Beyonce makes when she congratulates Michelle Williams for having the #10 single in Uzbekistan. "Bitch" has made Jay-Z a whole lot of gold bars and if there's something he respects above EVERYTHING it's MONAAAY HONEY BOO-BOO CHILD. Here's a few pictures of all the A-listers who set 40/40 on fire with their bright shining star power last night: Jay-Z, me in drag, Ashatni, Spike Lee, the Staten Island Peg Bundy and Selita Ebanks. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 18th! | Top |
It's well known that couples start to resemble each other over time. This year marks 20 years for Jennifer Aniston and her favorite dildo. - jazzfish_77 Runners-up: Paris Hilton realized her dream of permanently having a penis within tongue distance of her mouth. - Get Serious Without her makeup it's apparent what George Clooney sees in Stacey Kiebler. - Rocket Word is, Kelly Preston is trying to get pregnant again. - hat_trick via Jessica Simpson's Twitter (Thanks Francis) | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Yorkies aren't only good for trying to bite at my ankles in the hallway of my apartment building (You know who you are. Wait. If you do know who you are, that means you're good for something other than trying to bite at my ankles, because not only can you read but you can also operate a laptop keyboard. You should copy edit my crap. Drop a business card in my sock the next time you try to eat my ankles. Oh, and that shiny pink raincoat you wear makes your hinders look fat.)! They're also good for healing the souls of the old and disabled like Lucy from New Jersey here. At 5.7 inches tall and 3.5 pounds, Lucy was named the World's Smallest Working Dog by Guinness and given a framed certificate that she can use as a fancy wee wee pad. By the way, I'm not trying to lift a leg to Lucy's achievements in life, but I'm sure that there's a 2 pound hooker chihuahua somewhere who sniffs dog ass for stale treats on the street corner. ROBBED! But I'm still congratulating Lucy for doing something with her life and if I had health insurance (I know, I know, MOM) I'd go to her for all my therapy needs. I'd lie down on her doggy sofa, look into her black jelly bean eyes and tell her all my problems in life while hoping that she'll put her paw print on a prescription for something mind altering at the end of our session. She's that kind of therapist, right? My 9.5 pound chihuahua (Fat fuck!) would also congratulate Lucy if he could, but he's too busy trying to beat the world record for the longest open-eyed nap. via Metro | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Paula Deen (65) | |
| Cindy Crawford's 10-Year-Old Daughter Is A Model Now | Top |
This is Kaia Gerber and thanks to a whole lot of hard work, determination and tirelessly showing up to go-see after go-see, she has finally landed an ad campaign for Versace Kids. Oh, erase that first part. What I really mean is that Kaia was born out of the correct vagina and is one of the only kids on earth who doesn't cry for Lord Jesus to save them when Donatella Versace rides onto the set in a chariot made from the bones of the children who crossed her. So Kaia got the job! Kaia, who is what you get when Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber mate, makes her modeling debut in the Versace Kids campaign, and Donatella said in a press release that Kaia did so well that not once did she think of sucking the youthful innocence out of that child to feed the dark organ of death in her chest: "Like her mother, Kaia has a very special gift. The camera really, really loves her. Having Cindy on-set for the shoot took me back to all the amazing Avedon shoots we worked on together. It was such a special treat watching Kaia walk in her mother's footsteps!" First of all, I'd grab a vat of holy water and throw it at Donatella's face if she put socks AND sandals on my child's feet. Socks and sandals are only okay if you're a Riverside County frat boy going to the liquor store to buy Red Bull and chewing tobacco. Second of all, I suffered through HOURS (like 8) of Barbizon lessons and do you see "Young Versace ad campaign" in my modeling resume that doesn't exist?! This makes sense, though. Barbizon was a BarbiJOKE. Case in point: The highlight of any Barbizon class was going to 7-Eleven for a snack. We'd take a break from learning how to do the "bite the sunglasses" pose (like this) and we'd go to 7-Eleven. We were all kids with $2 in our hands so we'd all buy candy. Then we'd sit on the curb and eat the candy in front of our professional modeling teachers. And not ONCE did these supposed professional modeling teachers tell us to immediately barf out that candy in the toilet. See, a total joke of a modeling school. | |
| Marky Mark Is Sorry For Saying He Would've Been The Savior Of 9/11 | Top |
Who knew that some people would actually be offended by Marky Mark implying that the passengers on the 9/11 planes were fawkin' pussy queeahs and didn't have the red third nipple of courage to kill the terrorists like he does? Tons of people were not amused, including the families of the victims, and so Marky Mark's sort of kind of apologizing through TMZ for hurting all yooz rehatd's feelings. "To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with. I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention." Marky's publicist, or who ever wrote that shit, should keep it in a file. Because they're going to need it when Marky tells Douche's Journal if that if he was on the Costa Concordia cruise ship, he would've punched that rock into dust and used his extra full long nuts to paddle the ship to safety. PAH! | |
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