The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Vanessa Paradis Is Sick Of Answering All Your Questions!
- Madge Crosses Her Claws For An Oscar Nom And We All Know How That Turned Out
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Gabriel Aubry And Halle Berry Are Bringing Out The Crazy Again
- Uggie Leads The Nominations Of Hos Who Were Robbed Of An Oscar Nomination
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 23rd!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- QOTD: Cynthia Nixon Chose To Be A Lesbian
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Vanessa Paradis Is Sick Of Answering All Your Questions! | Top |
Vanessa Paradis, seen here looking Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter after tanning and a brow pluck, is doing press for her new movie Cafe de Flore around Paris and all reporters were told to keep questions about her personal life inside of their mouths or she'd nibble their eyes out with her reverse Jack O' Lantern grill. The hosts at the French radio station Europe 1 (via DM) didn't listen to that warning and asked Vanessa about the rumors that VaJohnny is now lying next to the grave of Heidi & Seal's marriage. Vanessa didn't confirm, deny or even open a beer bottle with her gap and down all the sweet nectar before breaking the bottle on the host's head. Vanessa only said this: "You know, when I eat three peas, I'm pregnant. When I visit a city, I'm buying a house. In the winter I separate, in the summer I marry. It's been fifteen years since I've been getting married every year. In addition I have to answer all these rumors!" Oh, Vanessa, it is SO HARD for you having to answer all those questions. SO HARD. My sympathies would be with you at this difficult question-asking time, but I've already sent them out to something that really needs them today: Michael Fassbender's big dick for not getting an Oscar nomination. Whenever somebody asks Vanessa a question she doesn't want to answer, she should put on a pastel polo shirt, warm up her voice and then give us what we all really want. THIS: Seriously, every question should be answered with Joe Le Taxi. | |
| Madge Crosses Her Claws For An Oscar Nom And We All Know How That Turned Out | Top |
At last night's NYC premiere of the soon-to-be Razzie sweeper W.E., Madge told reporters that she was crossing her fingers and hoping that the academy would be so fearful of her wrath that they'd throw a bunch of nominations at her. Cut to this morning when she woke up in her coffin with a giant bouquet of hydrangeas on top and a note from the academy that read: Thanks, but no thanks. Okay, okay, technically W.E. was nominated for an Oscar (for Best Costume), so I guess the male members of the academy are still a little scared that Madge will crawl up into their beds at night, rip their nutsacks out with one bite and then replace the heads on the Oscar trophies with their gold-plated huevos. For once, I can't really make fun of the shit that Madge wore to her premiere last night (or the shit she wore while escorting Baby Brahim to his nursery for bedtime). Bitch looks like the evil queen double fisting two tutu-wearing ballerinas. It's totally appropriate! Speaking of fisting, I also can't make fun of Madge's (DO NOT CLICK ON THAT NSFL LINK!!!) veiny testicle hands for once. I thought about it and if I was ever in the market for a silicone fist, I'd buy one modeled after Madge's hand. Four words: Veiny For Your Pleasure. I mean, John Travolta so wants to make sweet love to Madge's hand right now. | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
It is really hard to believe this former A- list boy bander and now a C who kind of was his own one boy band has always been in the closet. Despite every single public romance he has had with a woman he has always wanted to come out. He has been caught so many times and given the perfect opportunity to come out, but he keeps waiting and waiting. He dated this at the time, huge tween actress for a very long time but most of the time she was having sex with our boy bander's brother. The brother is where she was rumored to have picked up the gift that keeps on giving. The good news for the brother was that since the boy bander was "dating" her, the brother never got in trouble for having sex with a minor for almost a year. One time our boy bander was on tour with a different girlfriend. This girlfriend was a singer and is now an actress or she may still be both. Anyway, this actress/singer had no clue that our boy bander liked guys and was a virgin at the time. She got the gift that keeps on giving from a different band guy. Anyway, the virgin walked in on our boy bander on his knees servicing one of his male backup dancers. About an hour later the virgin was gone. One of the boy banders best "girlfriends" was with this celebutante who made her name in some sex tape action and a reality show. Anyway, she was totally into the fact that our boy bander liked guys and was into having threesomes. She moved on though because a celebrity couple offered her more money to come stay with them for awhile. I don't think there is any truth to the rumor that our boy bander had sex with the celebrity father of one of his other "girlfriends." She is also a celebrity, although I wish she was not. (CDAN) Jonathan Knight has already waved his I Love Peen flag high up in the air, so I can cross him off the list (although, I'm still waiting for Jordan Knight to wave his). JC Chasez has a brother, but he doesn't fit into the rest of this shit. The Maddens didn't really fit all the way either, so I'll go with The Carters! Sundance Blind Item - This what now counts for an A list Tween television actress was flirting heavily with this director who is the boyfriend of this usually annoying B list movie actress. Anyway, the director was going to keep it at flirting until the tweener told him she was over 18(barely). Hello hotel room. I'm sure the excuse he gave to his girlfriend for missing her big event was priceless. Our B list actress was out of her mind ticked off. (CDAN) Demi Lovato (or that chick on iCarly), Kate Bosworth and Michael Polish? This young celebrity is gay. His parents didn't feel that his sexual orientation would enable him to be successful, so they pushed him into marriage early to maintain that wholesome family image and to quash gay rumors. They picked out a star struck young lady for him, and quickly announced their engagement. Imagine the young girl's surprise when she found out that her sexy new husband didn't want to have sexy time with her. They do smile and kiss while posing for PR photos, but then he goes cruising for guys on the internet. He also likes to hit up the gay bars when he's in LA. You might think that he has the best of both worlds, but he is actually miserable in the fake marriage. For right now, though, he just isn't strong enough to get out… or come out. (Blind Gossip) Kevin Jonas, but I'm going to blind myself to this blind item, because Joe Jonas is supposed to be the gay one. Which squeaky-clean pop star is desperately trying to keep his pot-smoking habit and hookups with a Las Vegas hooker under wraps? The young crooner's famous girlfriend wouldn't care so much about his wacky weed habit, but she probably wouldn't appreciate the cheating! (National Enquirer via Gawker) Justin Bieber? But he's obviously not toking up enough. He needs to smoke from his SpongeBong until the good shit does us all right by numbing his tongue and the rest of his yodeling parts. | |
| Gabriel Aubry And Halle Berry Are Bringing Out The Crazy Again | Top |
For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can't keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry's visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny. TMZ reported last night that Nahla's nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn't go. When Alliance went to Gabriel's condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn't go to school. That question summoned Gabriel's crazy and he responded by screaming "You're the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don't need to fucking know anything!" at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they're not fucking the nanny, they're screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms. Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn't throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he's making her sit in a corner in his condo until he's ready to deal with her. As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him. Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I've ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! | |
| Uggie Leads The Nominations Of Hos Who Were Robbed Of An Oscar Nomination | Top |
Tilda Swinton, ROBBED! Uggie the Dog, ROBBED! Michael Fassbender's big dick, ROBBED! Almodovar, ROBBED! Emma Stone's thirsty, busted, five cent curly fries wig from The Help, ROBBED! The diarrhea pie from The Help, ROBBED! The Help for Best Movie That Should've Been On The Hallmark Channel Instead, ROBBED! That satin scorpion jacket Ryan Gosling wore all through Drive, ROBBED! The guy behind me who snored all through Tree of Life for Most Appropriate Soundtrack, ROBBED! The ROBBED list goes on and on and on.... Jennifer Lawrence, who I'm pretty sure was asleep during the whole thing, and some token old white dude presented the Oscar nominations this morning and most of them were to be expected (Streep, Clooney, Pitt, Williams, The Artist for pretty much everything) but there were a few HUHS? and surprises like Jonah Hill, Nick Nolte, Melissa McCarthy, The Help for Best Movie and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Oscar Baity for Best Movie. If Extremely Loud wins, the only person they need to thank is Marky Mark, because if he was on one of those 9/11 plans, their movie would've never existed! AnytheyareallgoingtohellfornotnominatingTilda, the full nomination list is after the jump and even though there's a lot of gold-plated fuckery here, I love that the Oscar dude showed Madge and Elton John who the real bitch queen is by shutting both of them out. JUMP! | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 23rd! | Top |
DO NOT use a black light to inspect your bed linens in a Tokyo hotel room. - zachhcaz Runners-up: Nineteen kids and counting, Jim Bob Duggar is still haunted by all the sperm he simply flushed away. - Datura The non-weepers at Kim Jong Il's funeral were NOT sent to work camps. They were, however, dipped in seasoned flour and deep fried. - turnelbup via Poorly Dressed | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Blow, Springfield, Missouri's premiere beauty and nightmare emporium where Stone Cold Steve Austin's first cousin (who obviously was exposed to perm fumes early on in life) twice removed glamours you up and then takes you down to the salon's basement where he, a woman with a raccoon nest on her head and a fourth-tier Levi Johnston impersonator have a ménage à noooo in front of your eyes. It's like Shampoo meets Hostel, and now I know why they call it Blow. Because you're going to need a lot to handle Ty Barnes' yesiroofiedyouface. And yes, I like my threesomes nightmare-style, so I'd hit it. All of it. via Videogum | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Ernest Borgnine (95) | |
| QOTD: Cynthia Nixon Chose To Be A Lesbian | Top |
The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman. "I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line 'I've been straight and I've been gay, and gay is better.' And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it's not, but for me it's a choice, and you don't get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it's a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn't matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not. At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
If one of the Nelson twins became a post-op transsexual and stuffed her chest with dinosaur eggs, this is what the band would look like today and I'd be their biggest fan forever and always - Hollywood Tuna Angie Jo is back to wearing black and I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt got a flea dip so all is well in the world again - Lainey Gossip By the looks of that outfit, the only thing Justin Bieber is going to star in is Ernest Goes To Lederhosen Hell - The Superficial More evidence that RiRi continues to make wonderful life choices - Celebitchy You might see this as pictures from AVN, but Courtney Stodden sees this as pictures of her future wardrobe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather This was J.J. Abrams original idea for Lost, but he knew it would be too horrifying for the public to watch - Popoholic Blind Item Solved: Kristin Calawhatever is with child - ICYDK Is Cameron Diaz moisturizing her face with the cooking grease my abuelita keeps in a jar under the sink? - Hollywood Rag Gay marriage needs to be made legal in Australia so two of my favorite Australians, Sharon from Kath & Kim and Gran from Angry Boys, can get married - Towleroad Before the love died... - The Berry BREAKING: Shiloh got a haircut - Popsugar Allan Hawco's ass, come and get it - (NSFWish) OMG Blog Zac Efron gets his butch on at Home Depot - Just Jared I think I've made Tom Brady's new mansion with Legos before - Cityrag Eurika for MVP! - Videogum Presenting the Gold Digger Anthem of 2012 - Crunk + Disorderly Tracy Morgan was down and out in Park City over the weekend - I'm Not Obsessed The video of Suri's birth finally surfaces - The Daily What | |
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