The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Things That Exist: The Real Fox Fur Merkin
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 17th!
- Hot SOPA-Related Slut Of The Day
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Jay-Z Might Retire The Word Bitch
- Open Post: Hosted By Lionel Richie's "Hello" As Told By A Bunch Of Movie Clips
- Lindsay Lohan Accused Of Being A High-Class Whore By A Former Marine
- Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery)
| Things That Exist: The Real Fox Fur Merkin | Top |
Cindy Barshop, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City and currently of The Real Asswipes of Old Douche City, has come up with the perfectly pointless thing for rich ladies who have always wanted to know what it feels like to have the coochie of a fox. For just $220+, Cindy's team at her waxing salon Completely Bare will give you the newborn by waxing your punane until every part of it is touching air and then they'll warm it up with a vagina wig made from real fox fur. It's like a fur coat for your cooter and you it's so luxurious that you won't even care that after a long August day your crotch will smell like a herring taking a bath in a bowl of butt sweat at the bottom of a used bunny cage. TMZ says that Completely Bare also offers a feathered merkin and the fur one comes in a bunch of colors including pink. As my abuelita used to say, "Usted haga lo que quieras con tu chocha a y que voy a hacer lo que quiero con mi chocha." (Okay, she never said that, but I wish she would've said that.) It's your vagina, but do you really want a dead fox lying on your naked beaver? Mother Nature just punched the tears out of her eyes. Besides, that hot pink patch of furry fug looks like the scalped head of a troll doll. If you really want to see a troll doll going down on you when you look at your crotch, just get yourself a troll doll vibrator! Damn. And PETA doesn't have to worry about throwing red paint on all the fox fur merkins out there, because the wearer's pussy will do it for them on a monthly basis. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 17th! | Top |
Was anyone REALLY surprised when they saw what showed up on Brit Brit's colonoscopy? - nili Runners-up: Up until now I thought it was just an urban myth about what you will find between the mattress and box springs at the Exacalibur in Vegas. - citizenstrange via Flavorwire | |
| Hot SOPA-Related Slut Of The Day | Top |
Susan, the Wikipedia face that has been asking me for a donation every single day except today! The first thing I do in the morning after I watch my dog shit directly against a lamppost (that's his new fetish for some reason) and snort lines of whole coffee beans, I visit Wiki, wave at Susan's ass and then double check all the celebrity birthdays for Birthday Sluts. I went to Wiki today even though I knew the doors would be locked, the lights would be off. Wiki, Reddit, Craigslist, Boing Boing, ONTD, Post Secrets, Wordpress and hundreds of other sites are turning off the lights for 12 hours or more in protest of two proposed bills: SOPA and PIPA. SOPA makes me think of the stew my abuelita would make on Sunday afternoon from all the leftovers of the week, but this SOPA tastes even more like shit (I know I'm going to get a chancelta to the fingers for that one). SOPA is short for the Stop Online Piracy Act and it's a mess. SOPA's intention is to shut down foreign websites that post pirated movies and music, but the way it's written puts all of the Internet in a fucked up place. The way it works now is, let's say I post a music video from YouTube. Let's say the copyright holder of that music video doesn't want it on YouTube. They contact YouTube, YouTube takes it down and the video becomes dead on my site. But if SOPA passes, the Justice Department will be able to force my server to shut me down no questions asked and with no kind of warning. YouTube too. Hell, even if I just link to that video or you link to it in the comments, Dlisted could be strangled and thrown into a dumpster behind an abandoned IHOP (Actually, I shouldn't of typed that, because that sentence might help the bill). Some say it's the big corporations' way of controlling the entire Internet and censoring a bitch. Let me try to put it in a way all of our slut whore asses can understand. So you're humping on a piece in the privacy of your own home and all of his sudden his crazy girlfriend SOPA busts in. She pulls him out of you before you can even finish, slaps a chastity belt on your fuck part, swallows the key and then leaves forever. The ho didn't even let you finish and now you can never finish, because she's locked you out of your own vagina/b-hole/whatever. In other words, if that fun-hating, censor-slapping cunt SOPA passes, you'll have to do actual work at work. When SOPA passes, a million kitten video gets gassed. THINK OF THE KITTEN VIDEOS! And I don't even need to tell you about that bitch PIPA. We all know she's bad news. If you want to help, click here to educate your brain with more information. Then you can sign this petition and contact your local representative to tell them that you want to SAVE THE KITTEN VIDEOS! | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Jason Segel (32) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed. (CDAN) Tim Tebow? And the whole "one of his admirers" thing has pushed me right into Sarah Palin's name! Exhibit: A! But it's not what you think. They were just praying with their elbows on the mattress while wearing footie pajamas with the butt flap firmly buttoned. What rising TV talk-show co-host – who has finally landed her own gig on a major network – is down in the dumps because she's fallen for a high-profile politico who bats for the other team? Her career may be on the upswing, but her love life is still in the dugout! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Chelsea Handler and Barney Frank? Or Gayle King and Condi Rice? This foreign born A list television star from a very hit network show has always come across as Mr. loving husband despite being separated by distance. Perhaps he should spend a little more time focusing on the Mrs and not the hookers he goes through by the dozens or hitting on fellow cast members. (CDAN) Hugh Laurie? But we need to leave him alone. Everybody knows that absence (and hooker pussy) makes the heart grow fonder. Which famous yo-yo dieter plumped up to become the spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program? The singer/actress was in dire need of a quick career boost – and the high-profile campaign was the best way to get back in the limelight to create some buzz for her planned career comeback! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Jessica Simpson? But this is a good thing, because somebody needs to eat sweetened lard cake with corn syrup frosting now that Paula Deen can't. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
When bad wigs, bad Photoshop and bad sex posing happens to good people. If it wasn't for Michelle Williams' belly button, I'd totally think she was wearing a bikini t-shirt - Celebitchy This picture of Demi Moore and Madge looks like the official cougar family crest - Lainey Gossip Jesus take the wheel and drive directly into the office of who ever is in charge of casting the Elizabeth Taylor biopic - The Superficial PRESSED: David Furnish still is - Towleroad RiRi is continuing to enjoy all the grade A good shit Hawaii has to offer - Hollywood Tuna You know it's time to stop the bathroom bikini shoots when even your mirror is starting to cry - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Taylor Swift shows us what Steve Nicks' old wardrobe and a high-powered flat iron can do - The Berry DREAMS DO COME TRUE!!! - The Daily What Chris Pine dyed his hair the exact shade of mine after a date with a Sun-In bottle and a blow dryer - Just Jared At first glance, I thought SamRo grew her hair out - SOW So I guess getting that jacked-up prison tattoo of Avril's name wasn't such a good idea after all, BRODY - ICYDK The moment when hundreds of pounds of frozen Jamba Juice fruit barfed out their insides at the same time - Popsugar The most adorable constipated puppy ever - Cityrag The greatest mystery of the Golden Globes (not who snipped Ricky Gervais' balls) solved! - Videogum RiRi's new Armani ads - Popoholic Dita Von Teese's backup dancers need less Lady CaCa in their lives - Hollywood Rag | |
| Jay-Z Might Retire The Word Bitch | Top |
NME posted a poem they say Jay-Z wrote about how the birth of his daughter Blue Ivy Carter has inspired him to stick a bitch word filter on the tip of his tongue. Jay-Z, who has said in the past that he regrets some of the lyrics about women in his old songs, will have to find a new word to rhyme with "rich" and now has an even 100 problems. As Fishsticks Paltrow smiles knowing that her official title in the Carter household has been upgraded from "That Annoying Bitch Again?" to "That Annoying Cunt Again?", read a piece of Jay-Z's oh so noble poem: "Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn't think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it". Vibe is squinting at this poem, though, because they're not sure it has come from the mind of Jay-Z since he hasn't splattered it all over his website. But if this is true, then please oh please let the first words out of B.I.C.'s mouth to Jay-Z be: YOU BITCH! | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Lionel Richie's "Hello" As Told By A Bunch Of Movie Clips | Top |
| You know how in The Bodyguard, Whitney Houston's stalker writes her creepy ass letters using the cut out words from magazines, newspaper and shit like that? Well, this is like the musical video version of that and it's made me grateful for people who turn the time on their hands into glorious shit like this. If I got this in the mail, I'd take out a restraining order against the sender, but before doing so I'd nominate this for an Internet Award in Achievement in YES!!! Making. And just like in real life, Sharon Stone as a conniving villain cunt from the future gets the final Hello. via Gawker | |
| Lindsay Lohan Accused Of Being A High-Class Whore By A Former Marine | Top |
The late Elizabeth Taylor's effort to possess the body of Judge Stephanie before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to Death Row so she can't barf all over the image of La Liz in a new Lifetime biopic failed today. Because LiLo was in court for another probation hearing and Judge Stephanie slipped on a Hazmat-made rubber glove to pat her head for doing what she's supposed to do. BORING! But the day wasn't completely a loss, because right before LiLo strolled into court, a process server served her with a reasonable and accurate lawsuit. No, Sebastian Bach is not suing LiLo for stealing his 2010 look. A man named Thomas A. Green is suing LiLo for $300,000 claiming she went back on a business deal with him, because he was close to uncovering the truth about her involvement in the death of Osama Bin Laden. Naturally. TMZ says that the 12 page, handwritten lawsuit looks about as crazy as a letter to a fan Lindsay Lohan writes on the back of a cocktail napkin after one of the voices in her head tells her that the potted plant in the corner wants an autograph. Thomas, a former U.S. marine who regularly has hallucinations, writes in the lawsuit that during a Facebook conversation with LiLo, she said she would help to promote his dot-com business. When LiLo started tip toeing away from the deal, Thomas found out that she had a huge part in the killing of Bin Laden and is a high-class prostitution whore. Thomas scribbled this in the lawsuit: "[Thomas] set out to command [Lohan] to twitter and stated if [Lohan] acknowledges this is an Osoma Bin Ladden op all civilians in past wrong doing will receive clemency. TMZ also called him a delusional crazy and White Oprah resembles that comment! You know, I was mad at TMZ for calling this absolutely sane man "delusional," but then I read the part where Thomas refers to LiLo as a "high end" prostitute. HIGH END? That's like saying rust water from a toilet tank is top shelf liquor. The only way LiLo can use the words "high end" in her escort ad is if she means that you have to sprinkle a little coke on her b-hole before you stick it in. There really is a fine line between a Lohan and a delusional sometimes-homeless crazy person, and LiLo snorted up that line a long time ago, so White Oprah should adopt this dude. They need to put their differences aside, because delusional crazies belong together. | |
| Woe Is Bruce Jenner's Face, Part II (UPDATE: It's From A Skin Cancer Surgery) | Top |
The late-in-life lesbianface grandma formerly known as one of the hottest pieces in the 1976 Olympics has been open about the fact that he stretched his face in the name of undignified youth to fit in with the other melted dildo faces in the Kardashian family. But at the Mavericks vs. Lakers game in L.A. last night, Bruce Jenner kept his lips shut about the new trail of stitches along the side of his face and it's got the likes of USA Today asking if he went into the family plastic surgeon's office for another pulled pork special. I've seen enough episodes of The Swan, Bridalplasty, Dr. 90210, Joan & Melissa and Extreme Makeover to know those stitches aren't from plastic surgery. Yes, I think Bruce Jenner wants his face to slowly morph into that of a freeze dried Billie Jean King, but I don't think those stitches on his face are from a surgery to get him there. Those stitches are from something else. Bruce probably had a biopsy, or a mole removal, or he actually spilled a little Arby's horsey sauce on his cheek and Khloe was a little too rough when she nom nom nom-ed it up. Or maybe it is a plastic surgery scar after all. Pimp Mama Kris wants to keep all the cash in her pimp cup and after a crash course in face cutting (three episodes of Nip/Tuck), a trip to Toys 'R Us to buy Baby's First Plastic Surgery Kit and a certificate from Oneal Ron Morris' Academy of Bootleg Surgery, Dr. Baby Mason did Bruce Jenner's second facelift. It's about time that Baby Mason gets off his lazy diapered ass to start practicing the family's black magic art of scamming for a dollar. As Pimp Mama Kris always says, there is no such thing as a free lunch! But there is such thing as a hot lunch with Kim and you'll have to see Kris to negotiate fees for that. UPDATE: That was fast. Bruce tells TMZ that his doctor determined that a smell red mark on his face was cancerous. They removed it and now he's cancer-free, but has to keep his face shaded when he's out in the sun. | |
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