The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- All Hail Tilda!
- "Keep Up, You Feeble Cripple. The Smell Of Virgin Blood Is Coming From Over Here."
- Narcissistic Old Queen vs. Narcissistic Old Queen
- Tina Fey Strikes Again
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 13th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Open Golden Globes Post: Hosted By The Dog From The Artist
- Kelsey Grammer Is Going To Be Somebody's Father For The Fifth Time
- MONEYBONG: Watch Brad Pitt Get Stuck In A Stoner Laugh Hole
| All Hail Tilda! | Top |
In the sea of candle faces, burnt sienna skin and rejected bridesmaids dresses, out came an alien goddess from planet Bowie whose hair blows without any wind around it. They should've put a giant CLOSED sign on the red carpet as soon as Tilda Swinton stomped in looking like the Snow Queen going to a high-powered business meeting. Bitch is business on the top and ELEGANZAAAA on the bottom. Normally, I'd feel sad on the inside if Tilda didn't show up in a dress that looks like an iridescent condom made by Frank Gehry, but all of this worked from the top of her Hermey hair to the bottom of her Sally's Beauty Supply shoes. Speaking of, only Tilda can look at the hair samples under the dye boxes at Sally's and say, "I want that on my feet!" | |
| "Keep Up, You Feeble Cripple. The Smell Of Virgin Blood Is Coming From Over Here." | Top |
As soon everybody on the red carpet at last night's GGs got over the shock of seeing Angie Jolie not wearing a laundry bag of a dress in the color of black grave dirt, their blood veins started shaking out of a fear since she had the look of hunger sparkling in her eyes as she dragged Pepaw Brad behind her. Never mind that Angie's dress made her look like a rolled napkin at a Valentine's Day party, I couldn't get past her terrifying vampire face. I know that Angie always looks like she's just been floating above the cobblestones in Transylvania in search of a village virgin to feast on, but last night I wore a garlic choker and a clip-on crucifix nipple ring, because she looked like she was trying to drain my blood with her eyes. Even Vincent Price was like, "Too far, Angie. Too far." And this skinny ho really needs to do a dollop of Daisy on all the veins she's about to eat from. But before Angie ate all of the children from Modern Family in the parking garage of the Beverly Hilton, I hope she gave Brad a hug. He needed one after his brofriend, George Clooney, went from singing "I only have eyes for Brad" to singing "I only have eyes for Michael Fassbender's peen" while accepting his Best Actor trophy: "I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had. Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back. Go for it man, do it!" And just like that, Brad's heart crumbled the same way the ground behind George's Italian villa crumbled after he told his contractor to build a private golf course for Michael Assbender and him. Michael Fassbender's peen is the new Brad Pitt. | |
| Narcissistic Old Queen vs. Narcissistic Old Queen | Top |
This is what old British cunt queen Elton John said on the GGs red carpet last night about going up against his arch rival Madge in the Best Song category: "Madonna hasn't got a fucking chance." This is what happened a couple of hours later when the winner of Best Song was announced: The OTHER old British cunt queen won and the look on Elton John's face was a thing of bitter beauty. It's like Elton inhaled the British queef (yes, she queefs with a British accent) Madge let out to make room for her bloated ego as she went on stage to gloat about beating him. Madge dropped a vagina fart on Elton's words and forced him to eat it. Elton wanted to strangle the smug fake Britishness out of Madge's tongue the same way her dress was strangling her chichis. And Elton's mad face slowly got even more mad as Madge beat the Guinness World Record for saying the word ME approximately 45 million times in the span of 45 seconds. It was the highlight of the night for me, because I love it when old cunts fight. But it didn't stop there. Later last night, as Elton rage ate through a turkey drumstick that his chef sculpted to look like Madge (completed with charred turkey gristle arms), his husband David Furnish spewed more bitter bitchiness on Facebook: "Madonna. Best song???? Fuck off!!! Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it's narcissism. And her critisism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is." This feud is almost better than watching your abuelita on your mother's side and your grandma on your father's side fight over the last piece of cake in a cup at your birthday party. You know, as much as I'd love to watch Madge and Elton slap each other in the face with pristine white gloves, I'm going to need Queen Elizabeth to hit both of them with her pocketbook to show these not knowing hos who the real QUEEN is. If Queen Elizabeth isn't available, then Quween on the Scene can step in for her. | |
| Tina Fey Strikes Again | Top |
Somebody had to give the videobomb of the night and even though I was secretly hoping it would be an actual lit bomb behind Madge as she licked her own ego during her ten-year-long acceptance speech, it was Tina Fey! While who ever was on stage was throwing out the names of the nominees for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, Amy Poehler thought the camera lens and her were having a special intimate moment together, but then Tina snuck in like a chrishansenhaveaseat.gif. Tina is seriously becoming a seasoned bomber, because this is her second time stealing a ho's shine at an awards show. So if your ass is ever sitting in a $30,000 borrowed gown at an awards show and you hear the sounds of the Jaws theme behind you, it's Tina Fey stealing your shot! Or it's Phoebe Price since the secret ingredient in her chicken cutlets are magnets that drag her toward the camera. Wait. Are we sure this isn't actually Chicken Cutlets in a Tina Fey mask? | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 13th! | Top |
That smile was soon gone when he came home from work early and found his wife, Snow White, asleep and 35 little used condoms under her bed. - jazzfish_77 Don't judge me, you hardly gnome-e. - P-Money Okay. The child army has officially sucked all the hot out of Brad. - Caramel So that's how Ryan Seacrest manages to be in multiple places at once. - TheMar via FunPic | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Jessica Biel's Saggy Third Tit at last night's Golden Bore Awards! Jessica Biel is keeping her lips shut to the rumor that Justin Timberlake finally shut her beg hole by slipping an engagement cock ring around her strap-on, but at last night's GGs she let all of us know that she will be a bride someday soon by wearing a dusty wedding dress from the dried up bowels of 1984. But the best part of Jessica's vintage David's Bridal gown was that it made all of the voices in my head scream at the same time: SHE'S GOT A TRIO OF TITTIS! Jessica had saggy ass on her chest. Well, since bitch is in that Total Recall remake, she probably wanted to pay homage to the Three Tit Hooker while making Marky Mark's third nipple feel not so alone in this world. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Debbie Allen (62) | |
| Open Golden Globes Post: Hosted By The Dog From The Artist | Top |
I turned on E! a little while ago and watched Nicole Richie tell Ryan Gaycrest, "Yeah, my hair is by SUAVE professionals," so I already know that tonight's theme is FUCKERY. I would've joined Nicole's fan club if she said that her dress was by Charlotte Russe Couture and her shoes were by Chinese Laundry Black Label, but she didn't. Anyway, it's the Golden Globes tonight and it's that time of year when we watch half of Hollywood ignore the full bottles of champagne on the table (that's the hardest part in watching this mess) as Ricky Gervais (aka the HARDEST and BADDEST comedian on the stroll aka the Crips of comedians aka Blah Blah Blah) makes fun of celebwhores to their faces. EDGY! But importantly, it's also when we all get to swallow bottles of 100 proof whatever while making fun of whores wearing dresses that cost more than our EVERYTHING! I've blown the dust off of my Twatter and will be throwing shit on there throughout the night. As I've said before, the IRS is auditing my ass, so I'll be spending most of the night doing something called drunk puttingshitfortheIRStogethersoIwontgotoprison. So when your stash goes dry halfway through the 15-hour long ceremony, throw in an extra FUCK MY LIFE for me. | |
| Kelsey Grammer Is Going To Be Somebody's Father For The Fifth Time | Top |
The latest woman to take the Grammer last time, Kayte Walsh Grammer, is a new ginger and she's also got an adorable blank check baby growing in her uterus (Connected? I think fucking so!) Kayte miscarried in 2010, so this time Kelsey's rep waited until her second trimester to announce to the world that he's about to add a future member of his Child Support Club. People puts it like this: This will be the fifth child for the Boss star, 56, and the first for Walsh Grammer, 32. Five babies with FOUR baby mamas? Who does Frasier think he is? My dad? No, Frasier is nothing like my dad. My dad's idea of paying child support was buying me a factory defected acid wash jean jacket from Miller's Outpost. (Not-So-Fun Fact: My arch rival at SCATS, a gymnastics place and not a donkey punch emporium, stole that jacket from me in the locker room.) Anyway, congrats to Kayte for securing herself a child support check when her marriage eventually ends in a minute or so. Hopefully, Kayte names her baby CamilleYourChildSupportChecksJustGotSmallerBitch Grammer. | |
| MONEYBONG: Watch Brad Pitt Get Stuck In A Stoner Laugh Hole | Top |
| Grab yourself a big bowl of Funyuns nachos made with melted Cheetos and Hamburger Helper, because this blooper from the Moneyball DVD of Brad Pitt laughing until tears come out of his ducts will probably get you contact high. Brad is laughing like he just got his virgin weed cherry popped by taking a looong hit. LIGHTWEIGHT! Bitch is laugh crying like me when I read that he's the frontrunner for the Best Actor Oscar. I bet bitch's doctor laughed like that the first time he went to do a testicular test and found nothing but a tattoo that read "Angelina Was Here." As for why Brad's was caught in a HAHrricane, I'm sure the answer lies in the faces of the annoyed crew members who all made a mental note to never EVER let his weak ass take a hit from their blunt before a take. Amateur. And here's the other half of Brangie making her Vein of Life be known while posing with Pedro Almodovar at a Golden Globes luncheon for the Best Foreign Film nominees. | |
CREATE MORE ALERTS:
Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted
Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope
Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more
News - Only the news you want, delivered!
Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more
Weather - Get today's weather conditions
| You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089. |
No comments:
Post a Comment