The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Behold, The Most Beautiful Woman In The Kardashian Klan
- Lock Up Your Female Disney Teen Stars
- Halle Berry Is Going For Marriage #3
- Blue Ivy Carter Is Showing Suri Cruise Up
- Khloe Is Not A Kardashian, So Says Robert Kardashian's Widow And Ex-Wife
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 10th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess
- Afternoon Crumbs
| Behold, The Most Beautiful Woman In The Kardashian Klan | Top |
The bill collectors must be shoving themselves through Ellen Kardashian's plumbing pipes to get into her house, because she's throwing up all the secrets she knows about the Kardashians to Star Magazine. First came Ellen's accusation that Khloe is not a Kardashian by blood and now she's saying that if you crawled into the back of Bruce Jenner's closet, you'd find a wardrobe fit for a night time queen. After a long day of getting his nuts twisted by the devil claw attached to Pimp Mama Kris, Bruce loves to wind down with a marabou boa around his neck and the size 15 heels he stole from Khloe's closet on his feet. Ellen apparently heard from Bruce Jenner's ex-wife that when the lights go down and the bedroom door closes, he transforms himself into Brucella Jenner (and you know he looks better than Kris)! This is what came out of Ellen's mouth about Bruce's not-so-scandalous secret: "'Of course Bruce was every woman's heartthrob when he was that age, right? But Chrystie said, 'Yeah, until I went on a trip and I came back and he had gone through all my clothes. And I found my bras… He'd clip them together and wear them.' I couldn't live with that. And Ellen went on, "No, I couldn't live with that. But I can totally live with telling everyone about it! Now, can I get those stack of hundreds you promised, because these bill collectors are totally up my ass! No, I mean that literally, because when I sat on the toilet this morning one of them crawled up there." And I think it's about time that I show you what this Ellen Kardashian looks like:
Yeah, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let me put our thoughts into picture form:
Dim your monitor, sit all the way back, tilt your head, squint your eyes and hold your breath until your brain becomes slightly dead (like a Kardashian!).... You see it, right? Bruce Jenner IS Ellen Kardashian. Ellen Kardashian IS Bruce Jenner. It all makes sense (but it only makes sense because your brain is slightly dead from holding your breath that long). | |
| Lock Up Your Female Disney Teen Stars | Top |
Wilmer Valderrama's got his eye on you, Chris Hansen. The exit door to Mickey Mouse's rehab center for the teen stars he helped to screw up now has a regular fixture named Wilmer Valderrama in front of it. Wilmer is available for any damaged barely legal teen star who needs a 31-year-old nutsack to cry on ("...and while you're there" - Wilmer). Because E! News says that after humping on each other for about a year, 19-year-old Demi Lovato has taken her final ride on Wilmer's self-proclaimed XXL chalupa dick. Demi might've confirmed this highly important breaking news on Twitter when she turned into the Emo of Anistons by re-Tweeting a Marilyn Monroe quote before Tweeting a few words of encouragement for herself: "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe In other words, bitch got too old for Fez. (Image via Pacific Coast News) | |
| Halle Berry Is Going For Marriage #3 | Top |
Olivier Martinez almost always looks like he's internally wrestling with whether or not he should break some really bad news to you like the insurgents kidnapped your entire family or he just smoked your entire stash, so I don't think I could wake up to that face every morning, but Halle Berry can. The company who sold an engagement ring to Olivier Martinez tells People that Halle is about to become somebody's wife for the third time in her 45 years on this planet. This will be Olivier's first marriage. A rep for jooree designer Gurhan opened up their fat talk hole to say that Olivier gave Halle a diamond and emerald engagement ring after being together for more than a year. END WELL: This isn't going to. Halle's divorce from David Justice left her in such a serious state of the sads that she almost gassed herself to death in her own garage (what's even more sad is that she was going to take her dogs with her). Halle's second husband Eric Benet was allegedly a chronic peen passer and his friends say that she was so crazy that they gave her the nickname of Scary Berry. And I can still stank smell the shit that was thrown around during Halle's custody battle with Gabriel Aubry. So yeah, if you think the hot piece from Unfaithful looks bad now, wait until you see what he looks like when this relationship sucks all of the hotness out of him. But there is something Olivier can do to stop this. Every time Halle's natural craziness starts to poke out during a fight, Olivier should make the face he's making in the picture above. Halle will have no choice but to put the crazy on pause to ask, "What? What? Do you smell carbon monoxide? Did I fart without my butt knowing it? Did the rebels break in through an upstairs window to kidnap us all? Did dumb ass Timmy fall down the well again? Tell me! Tell me please!" | |
| Blue Ivy Carter Is Showing Suri Cruise Up | Top |
Suri Cruise has long been the reigning child princess of spoiled luxury and a jewel was added to her crown when she allegedly put together a $100,000 Christmas list, but that jewel has just been snatched away by 8-second-old Blue Ivy Carter. B.I.C. won't even roll out of her crib for a pile of $100,000 gifts. B.I.C. shits on $100,000. I mean that literally, because I'm sure her diapers are made of £50 notes. Britain's Star Magazine (via SS) says that Blue Ivy Carter is slobbering and barfing on the gaudiest shit Beyonce and Jay-Z's money can buy. As the ATM tells you to fuck off when you try to take $10 out (like me, you know which ATMs spit out tens) for lunch today, think about Blue Ivy Carter rocking on a tacky ass horse that costs more than your house before you bite on a live electrical wire. This is the list of Veruca Salt-approved shit that's in Blue Ivy Carter's life: A Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen - $15,000 The source adds that Blue Ivy already has a designer wardrobe worth thousands and a diamond rattle from Tiffany & Co. Beyonce and Jay-Z also spent $350,000 on cloning Blue Ivy's Manhattan nursery in their other homes. The daughter of the 1% has been born! We should probably stage an OCCUPY BLUE IVY'S NURSERY protest, but I think it's best that we instead use our energies on sending good thoughts (and our live savings) to Suri during this difficult time. Suri is wearing this season Chanel heels and Blue Ivy is wearing NEXT season someshiticantevenpronounce booties. Suri has a full-time personal hairstylist who lives in her bathroom and Blue Ivy has a weave garden of grown women who are each growing their hair out just for her. Suri gets carried everywhere by humans since her feet are too precious to touch sidewalk and Blue Ivy is never going to even look at the sidewalk since she's going to travel around in a platinum-plated iHovercraft pod created by the late Steve Jobs. What I'm trying to say is that SURI CRUISE IS POOR!!! We should pray. And this story gets 5 out of 5 Angry Suris.
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| Khloe Is Not A Kardashian, So Says Robert Kardashian's Widow And Ex-Wife | Top |
Asking "Which Kuntrashian can you stomach the most?" is just like asking "Would you rather eat hyena diarrhea, armpit cheese or Ke$ha?", but most hos would probably say that they can take Khloe Kuntrashian (she's armpit cheese, by the way) the most. So because of this, many believe that Khloe does not have Kardashian blood running through her veins. Pimp Mama Kris has denied this a million times over, but Robert Kardashian's ex-wife and widow claim that he told them he was NOT the father. I don't know if I should be happy or sad that Maury's team is trying to get DNA swabs from Chewbacca, Ludo from Labyrinth, Chyna and Andre the Giant's corpse for a very special Kardashian episode for sweeps. Jan Ashley married Robert Kardashian right after his marriage to Pimp Mama Kris shriveled into nothingness, and she tells Star Magazine that he confessed to her that he knew he wasn't Khloe's biological father. "Khloe is not his kid -- he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, 'Well, you know that Khloe's not really a Kardashian, don't you?' And I said…'OK,' and that was it." Robert's widow, Ellen Kardashian, backs up Jan's ESCANDALOSO words. According to Ellen, Robert told her that he wasn't even dipping into Pimp Mama Kris' kunt maker at the time Khloe was conceived. Pimp Mama Kris even admitted in her book that she screwed around with a side piece named Ryan around the time Khloe was made. Jan lays it out like this: "Khloe brought it up all the time. She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn't look anything like the other three children. Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him. [But] he never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much." DISCLAIMER: Ellen Kardashian filed for Chapter 7 in 2010 and lost her home to foreclosure this past October. So if you want to, you can file all of this under: Taking A Page From Pimp Mama Kris' Handbook On Shamelessly Whoring For Some Quick Coin. It really doesn't matter at this point if Robert isn't Khloe's biological father or if she's the product of Pimp Mama Kris' wild night at a sex party in Narnia. The damage has already been done. The Karkrashian trifecta is complete and there's no going back. Besides, Robert Kardashian isn't Kim, Kourtney or Khloe's father anymore. After they drained the blood from their bodies and replaced their veins with water from the river of wailing, they became Lucifer's daughters! And by Lucifer I mean Ryan Seacrest. And here's some pictures from last week of Khloe and Kim confusing the animals at the Dallas World Aquarium, because those two should be the ones in a cage. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 10th! | Top |
Want to see the world through Brad Pitt's eyes? Well, now you can with "PittVision". - Opsat1 Runners-up: You still can't make me watch Whitney. - TFBuckFutter Say what you will, but he's the one who will be laughing if the Three Stooges attack. - I am Legend via FunPic | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
On Sunday night's episode of Vh1's Love & Hip Hop, producers temporarily interrupted their regularly scheduled program of showing you video hos and former King models getting weave burns on their hands from pulling each other's hair in the middle of New Jersey night clubs to give you a ginger gemstone in the chola dynasty. When Kimbella's mother, Sherry Vanderhee (which not surprisingly is the exact name of my favorite after-fap cocktail made from Tio Pepe and pumpkin puree), wafted onto my screen I had to check to make sure my TV didn't accidentally jump to the Trinity Network, because a mythical ginger angel from the cholita heavens was before me. Dr. Frank-N-Furter should receive every award for creating a luscious blossom from the DNAs of the Penguin, Conan O'Brien and Columbia. Miss Sherry is like a walking explosion of my deepest dreams. Ginger + Exquisite Cholita Beauty + Eyebrows That Can Only Be Removed With A Magic Eraser + World Class Lip Liner Action = Close The Coffin Door Because I Can Die Now. If your senses can take it, skip to the 10:30 mark below to see the flaming torch of radiance that belongs in the hand of The Statue of Liberty: Something tells me that every Staples in and around East L.A. will be out of naranja Sharpies today. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Naomi Judd (66) | |
| Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess | Top |
This singer/actress' marriage crashed and burned after she cheated – and so did her lover's marriage. But things aren't exactly how they seemed. It turns out SHE had an open marriage – and everything was fine until she fell for one of her lovers! Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip) Thank GOD this information has come to the table forty million years later. I was a little sad inside thinking that while LeAnn Rimes was out galloping along married crotch, Dean Rainbow Sheremet wasn't getting his cookie sprinkled on. This former-model-turned-actress has all but split from her husband after a lengthy marriage. She's happy working in New York while he's content being a producer and flirting with starlets in Los Angeles! Who is she? (National Enquirer via CDAN) Brooke Shields? This actress is probably C or D list. She was on a hit television show in the sense it lasted for a good five years, but because of where it aired it was not a monster hit. She has had very little work since it went off the air but that is not stopping one of her boyfriends from trying to sell a sex tape of her enjoying not only the boyfriend but also several of his other friends. The problem is no one really cares about the actress. (CDAN) My brain is burping out nothing over this one. I don't know, somebody from Eureka? But I think I'm only guessing that, because Eurekum would sort of be a good title for a sex tape. This former child actress who started off so innocent before turning to the dark side of music and parental rebellion is back on heroin. I wonder if she will end up in the hospital for exhaustion. (CDAN) Taylor Momsen? They don't call her black tar heroin eyes for nothing. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Shakira's wearing the sparkliest blood clot I've ever seen - Hollywood Tuna Justin Timberlake's got a new beard - Lainey Gossip In Russell Brand's defense, usually the dirt grease around his fingers causes his wedding ring to slip off by itself anyway- The Superficial That sad moment when you find yourself jealous of an unborn baby who will get to sit next to ASkars at the Christmas dinner table - Celebitchy Please tell me Madge has a needlepoint pillow with a pug on it in her sitting room - Towleroad Today's episode of STUNT QUEEN Nipple Slips starring AnnaLynne McCord - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Thankfully, Marie Claire used the de-Snooki tool on Xtina - Popoholic Today is your lucky day if you're in the market for a mixture of pool water, jizz from a pool boy and the ass juices of Scientology's reigning princess - ICYDK Zoe Kravitz is still with that Muppet from Gossip Girl - Just Jared Drew Barrymore sort of looks like she's got cotton mouth on InStyle - Popsugar Sometime in the near future, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah go on a mother/daughter bonding walk together - Hollywood Rag More shit, this time with lesbians! - Cityrag It's nice knowing that I'm not the only one who throws out a "bless you" at my dog when he sneezes - Four Four Knocked Up: Molly Sims is! - I'm Not Obsessed Where The Wild Skanks Are - Crunk + Disorderly Emma Stone wishes - Videogum When the food plays with you - The Daily What Lindsay Lohan's teeth in that first picture remind me that I need to go and floss my ass crack - The Berry | |
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