The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Tommy In A Teacup
- Brad Pitt Is A LIIIIIAAAAAR!
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 25th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Why In Walking On Sunshine Hell Is Demi Moore Doing Whip-its?
- Evening Crumbs
- Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler
- Tim Gunn Hasn't Been Laid Since Reagan Was In Office
- Open Post: Hosted By Brad's Fears For Shiloh
| Tommy In A Teacup | Top |
You might think that you're looking at a simple picture of Tommy Girl spending some quality time with Blue Ivy's arch rival Suri Cruise at Disneyland in Anaheim, but some serious business is going down here. This isn't fun-having. This is training. When Xenu finally beams himself down to earth and queefs out a billion thetans that will plug up our plumbing pipes, preventing our men from having "cleansing" time with their "bros" in the steam sauna, spinning space pods will land to take us to the promise planet. So Tommy isn't having fun, he's preparing himself for the spinning pod. That's why every time you stick out your finger and tell him to sit and spin, he shrugs and does it. If you were ever doubting that celebwhores get special treatment, slap yourself and then come back to these pictures. Like that midget bitch Tommy is really tall enough to ride that ride. Every Disney employee turned their head when Suri gave Tommy a lift so the top of his hair touched that line. Also, I'm pretty sure Suri is a Juggalette now. She'll take her barley water with a shot of Faygo. Also also, now I know why the boys in the sauna call him Tea Party Tom. By day, he's the tea bag in a teacup and by night he's tea bagging at tea parties. | |
| Brad Pitt Is A LIIIIIAAAAAR! | Top |
Prepare yourself to know what it feels like to never trust anything that comes out of Brad Pitt's mouth again (because I know that up until this point you hugged every word that came out of Brad Pitt's mouth with warm arms of trust). Brad Pitt has regularly declared before the gay gods (aka a sculpture of Rojo Caliente riding a Liberace unicorn centaur down a flannel rainbow) that he will never slip a wedding band on Angie Jo's bony finger until everybody in the U.S. can get married. Well, the bitch is a teller of lies. As you and your same-sex partner wait at City Hall until it's legal for you to file a marriage certificate, the asshole who vowed to stand with you until the end will whisk on by with his zombie vampira skeleton bride and cut in front of the line. RIGHT IN YOUR BETRAYED FACE. Because Brad tells The Hollywood Reporter that he's probably going to break his promise by becoming Angie's third husband: "We'd actually like to, and it seems to mean more and more to our kids. We made this declaration some time ago that we weren't going to do it till everyone can. But I don't think we'll be able to hold out. It means so much to my kids, and they ask a lot. And it means something to me, too, to make that kind of commitment. I'm going to force myself to not get hypnotized by the fact that Brad's goatee looks like an upright grandpa stache and an upside-down grandpa stache holding hands over a soul patch, because there's more important matters at hand (not really). Brad has just proven that he cares about keeping his commitments as much as he cares about finding a shampoo for extra oily hair. (Seriously, Brad, it's not hard. Just ask someone at Sally's Beauty.) If Brad rips the notary stamp off the promise he made to gays and gayelles, how can Angie Jo trust that he won't rip the notary stamp off the marital bowels (Oh, Freud, I love it when you trip me) he makes to her? Oh, wait. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For January 25th! | Top |
The Fairy Bride Shake Weight was a big seller in Uzbekistan. - clutching-at-straws Runners-up: If everyone had just left Michael Phelps alone he would have stuck with pot...now he's dancing with the absinthe fairy - corinacorina .....And nine months later, Khloe was born. - skabazzle via PIU | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
| Like something out of The Mangina Monologues, Ken Dahl, the blossom that sprouted up when Missy Elliot dropped her seed on one of Funheart Bear's ovaries, gives you a reason to be thankful that they don't make Rosetta Stone for your pussy. Because if your pussy could talk, it would either recite Forrest Gump's "Why don't you love me, Jenny?" speech to every man who comes to visit (Jennifer Love Hewitt's pussy, I'm talking about you) or it would recite Audrey II's "FEEEEEED ME, SEYMOUR!!!!" speech to every man who comes to visit (Parasite Hilton's pussy, I'm talking about you). So be thankful that you've all got the Helen Keller of pussies. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Wayne Gretzky (51) | |
| Why In Walking On Sunshine Hell Is Demi Moore Doing Whip-its? | Top |
TMZ says that Demi Moore did have a seizure on Monday night, but it wasn't from downing a cocktail of coke, benzos and most of her liquor cabinet like most of us figured. They say that Demi and an Arizona junior high schooler who just got into Blur have a lot in common, because she was inhaling nitrous from a can when she slipped into a semi-coma. Yes, bitch was doing whip-its. I wish I meant that she was sucking fumes out of a Whippet's ass, but no. If Demi ever ran out of nitrous, she'd be walking on sunshine over to OfficeMax to get some computer duster like Allison's ass. The source says that Demi was clouding her pain by inhaling whip-its and she ended up having a sort of seizure on the floor before she fell into a half coma. Even Lindsay Lohan is looking at Demi and thinking, "Broke trash!" You know, everybody's always screaming about how Demi is trying to hold on to youth by marrying a toddler, partying with her daughters and taking MySpace-like bikini pictures in her bathroom, but I shrugged all that off until now. Partying with your daughters is one thing, but drugging like a 14-year-old suburban kid is another. Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do! Hopefully, Demi gets the help that she needs, because going to the hospital for a whip-it overdose is not the way a 49-year-old should go through life. I can just picture Demi with Vicks under her nose and Limp Bizkit blasting out of her speakers. How dreadful. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the sound of Devo out my head by sucking on a whip-it for old time's sake. | |
| Evening Crumbs | Top |
RiRi's new "thug life" tattoo looks like a mixture of dry skin, torn off scabs and keloids. Tupac's about to drop a bottle of moisturizer and a DIY tattoo removal kit from heaven - ICYDK Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson named their kid after a Mira Sorvino character and an Enrique Iglesias song - Lainey Gossip Brandi Glanville: The Butler did it! - The Superficial Gabriel Aubry is really trying to use the "she tripped' excuse - Celebitchy Not even pink frosting can de-annoy Lea Michele - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather It's nice to know that Katharine McPhee only participates in protected armpit licking - Hollywood Tuna Mario Lopez would look a lot hotter if those boxer briefs were stuffed into his talk hole - Towleroad The Carlton Dance, 35 different ways - The Berry Katherine Heigl needs to give Mrs. Cunningham her hairstyle back - Popoholic For once, the Health Department gives Brit Brit's weave a solid C - Popsugar PRUUUUUUUNE - Just Jared When Chelsea Handler isn't talking about Joan Rivers being a bitch, she's talking about 50 Cent being a boring lay - Crunk + Disorderly I bet eating tartar sauce all day makes this crazy's coochie smell like the sink at a Long John Silver's - OMG Blog Two TV remakes of Beauty and the Beast that nobody was asking for - The Daily What Gossip Still better than Justin Bieber - Videogum Drew Barrymore's roots have roots - Hollywood Rag I'm falling in love with Katherine Heigl's publicist all over again - I'm Not Obsessed 20 heave-inducers - Cityrag | |
| Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler | Top |
| The Howard Stern show hosted the latest bitch battle royale between Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers when he had both of them on his show (on different days) this week. Chelsea slapped a trick first on Monday when she said that Joan Rivers was a bitch to her at some event. Howard brought up Chelsea's slight stab when Joan was on his show yesterday morning, and several pounds of Botox melted off of her face as she flamed out her response: "Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she's fine, she's ordinary. She's not a genius. She's an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she's doing okay
I'm conflicted. Chelsea Handler is made of 95% vodka and 5% dehydrated foreskins and I like vodka and I like foreskins. If I was ever stranded on an island, I'd want Chelsea with me, because you know that whore can piss out a martini before you can finish yelling SQUAT! But then there's Joan. After watching her documentary, I have respect for Joan (and I don't even have respect for myself) and she can make me laugh just by calling a drunk whore a drunk whore. So I cannot choose a side at this time. Actually, I'm on Team GTFOMelissa. Melissa is not a drunk, she's not a whore (dating the president of a porn company doesn't count), she doesn't make me laugh when she calls a drunk whore a drunk whore and she didn't even fuck her way to the top. Melissa slid out of the right vagina to the via Jezebel | |
| Tim Gunn Hasn't Been Laid Since Reagan Was In Office | Top |
If you're 29 years old or younger, then I'm not sure how you'll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn't planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that's what Tim is trying to say). "I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely. I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "end-all." I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "mind boggling." I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time. Tim seems happy, even though he hasn't had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that's the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner's face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch. | |
| Open Post: Hosted By Brad's Fears For Shiloh | Top |
FROM DOLLS TO DINOSAURS????? Shit just got tyrannoserious. Because we all know that playing with dinosaurs is a gateway to watching old Barney episodes on a loop and what parent wants to suffer through that shit all day? via ONTD | |
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