The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- OctoMom Talked To Her Child Army About Taking Her Top Off For A Check
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 29th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Would You Hit It?
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By NIN On Dance Party USA
- Lindsay Lohan Is Free At Last (Sort Of)
- And Now, A Lesson On Overpopulation From Michelle Duggar
- Jim Carrey Might Try The Whole Marriage Thing Again
| OctoMom Talked To Her Child Army About Taking Her Top Off For A Check | Top |
| On an episode of The Mah Boo Fun Time Hour of Giggles airing today, The Silver Fox puts his giggle on hold to talk to Michelle Duggar's partner in populating, OctoMom, about those awkward half-nekkid pictures of her pulled and pricked baby machine making body in Closer Magazine. TMZ said that Octo pulled her chichis out for ten thousand dollars, but she tells Anderson that she got $1,000 for each octuplet. For those of you who have the adding skills of a Simpson, that's $8,000! I couldn't even get an offer of 8 expired game tickets from Bullwinkle's to put my nipples on display, so good on you, Octo. Octo also tells Anderson that she shit on most of the offers thrown at her (including a $1 million offer from Vivid to give birth to a peen, backwards), because they went against her morals. But when the eviction notices started piling up on her doorstep and she was a checking account withdrawal away from the homeless shelter, she loosened her morals and pulled her top off. But it was a hard decision for Octo. Octo spent more time thinking about taking her clothes off than she spent thinking about whether or not she should let a back alley certified doctor shove 8 fucking embryos up into her body. But before Octo said yes to undress, she gathered her 14 children around and talked it over with them. Octo's oldest kid is around 10 years old and her youngest are all 3 years old, so that conversation must have been fun for everyone around: Octo: "Okay, kids, we're thisclose to selling mud pies on the freeway off ramp, so mama has to pull her feeding bags out for rent money. All in favor, raise your hands. Oh damn, I can't see anything. I don't know if it's because the lights are off in my head or if it's because ConEd turned the lights off in the house again." Octo is doing what she has to do to put half of Food 4 Less on the dinner table each night, but how many more $8k offers is she going to get? Octo is going about it the wrong way. What she needs to do is put all of her 14 kids in brown curly wigs down to their ankles and find a way to get them to the Duggar compound. Michelle Duggar won't even notice, and if she does, put those 14 kids in flowers costumes. Because the three things Michelle Duggar can't say no to are: her own children, flowers and Jim Bob's sperm. (Plan C: Put those 14 kids in Jim Bob sperm fish costumes.) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 29th! | Top |
Kim K's regulars calculate the odds of getting kidney failure before she's satisfied. - MrsPotatoHead Runners-up: Jessica Simpson's Amniotic Fluid Relief Team practice for the big day. - BaconSlut This is what the script for "Good Will Hunting" looked like before Matt Damon's input. - parissucksliterally via Gravy Holocaust | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Johanna Quaas, the 86-year-old gymnast who slayed most of us younger hos with her floor routine at the 2012 Cottbus World Cup in Germany this week. Madge isn't the only limber granny who can slip into a leotard to throw her crotch up in the air, Johanna can do that to and how. The only thing I know about Johanna is that she's 86, has been doing gymnastics since her 20s, was a member of the East German handball champion team and do this better than any of us: And this!: As the 12th best student (out of 11 total students, I don't know how that happened either) in my junior gymnastics class at SCATS ("Too easy." - you), I give this tumbling memaw the Werther's Original medal in YES!!! Johanna can flip, stretch and kick around like her bones are made of Slinkies while my hip bone pops out of its socket when I just think about doing a cartwheel. When I'm 86, I hope to be at least 1/20th as limber as Johanna is, but not because I want to be a geriatric gymnast or some shit. I want to be as limber so that I can easily whip neighborhood brats with a switch when they interrupt my drinking on the porch time. via Neatorama | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Warren Beatty (75) | |
| Would You Hit It? | Top |
When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco's character in the feature film version of TruTV's Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:
It's the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1's From G's to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn't take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips. When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don't see the "rapper" Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I'm trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman's True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it! Who knew that James Franco could pull off the "middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit" look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco's peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches. And let's just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Johnny Depp knows he needs to get his shit together (see: bathe in Borax) when John Mayer is walking around looking like a clean Johnny Depp - Lainey Gossip In a shocking turn of events, Adrianne Curry put her tits on Twitter again - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Please lie to me and tell me that next to reason for divorce it said: BOSSY BOTTOM TAYLOR LAUTNER - Celebitchy "Preggo Bathing Suit Hose Down" sounds like an actual movie starring Uma Thuman and directed by Quentin Tarantino - Hollywood Tuna Mark Bingham's mom finds the most polite and eloquent way to say, "Fuck off, Carson Daly" - Towleroad Fisting fun with John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone - The Berry I'm a little disappointed that Baby Aleph Milliwhatever isn't wearing a cap and gown after graduating from Harvard 21 years early - Popsugar I hate Gwen Stefani for wearing those jeans and I hate the 90s circuit queen she stole them from - Popoholic They're not kissing, Kurt Russell is just feeding Goldie Hawn bird-style. See the power Cher Horowitz has?! - ICYDK Gale almost killed Thor - The Superficial Elle Fanning welcomes to the ginge to her hair - Just Jared Boy toy's boy toys - Cityrag Isn't that Minka Kelly trick always "single again"? - Celebslam That's not a coffin! That's Jessica Simpson's birthing pod! - The Daily What Lily Allen sort of kind of just had a baby so I will give her a pass for those Minnie Mouse ass shoes - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By NIN On Dance Party USA | Top |
| Right before the 1990s were about to begin, the 1980s let civilization know one last time that it will forever remain the most beautifully fucked up decade by sending Nine Inch Nails out to perform on Dance Party USA. Stereogum says that a NIN fan found the buried clip from 1989 and uploaded it to YouTube to remind everyone that the 80s didn't mess around. Before you begin to guess that NIN only went on the show after they were blackmailed by the producer who found a dead hooker in their van, let me stop that thought before it starts and let Trent Reznor explain this mess: Many years ago, a young and naive Nine Inch Nails were asked what TV shows they'd be interested in appearing on. As a joke (and likely drunk), they thought of the most absurd choice they could come up with at the time. They were then informed their bluff had been called and were actually booked on said show... They hopped in their Honda Civic touring vehicle (hatchback) and travelled many miles to (I think) NJ for the big show. They had a laugh making fun of the people, their fashion choices and hairstyles. Life was good. Years later, the internet is discovered... There's a moral in there somewhere. Come to think of it, Skrillex may indeed owe me some publishing on that hairdo... You know, I thought I was here just to watch kids in outfits from Charlotte Russe try to figure out how to move their limbs to NIN. But now I know I'm really here for Trent Reznor's SCRUNCHIE! | |
| Lindsay Lohan Is Free At Last (Sort Of) | Top |
Wearing teal pants that made it look like she's smuggling Cisco Adler's family jewels in her crotch, Lindsay Lohan sashayed into court in L.A. today for what could be her last date with Judge Stephanie. After being on probation for a million eternities, LiLo finally did enough community service for the California Justice System to say: "Okay, now it looks like you're not totally fisting us in the ass without Crisco." Judge Stephanie gave LiLo a pat on the freckled taint by saying she's done everything she's supposed to do. Judge Stephanie then lifted formal probation off of LiLo for her 2007 DUI, but kept her on informal probation for snatching that necklace. Judge Stephanie then dropped some words of advice into LiLo's (those words hit the court room floor after they fell out of the other ear): "The only terms left for you on that case are to obey all laws. Not that hard. I know it's kinda hard when people are following you all over the place but that's the life you chose. Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work." LiLo then thanked Judge Stephanie for being fair, because this has opened so many doors for her. Specifically, the doors to Chateau Marmont's mini bar and cocaine closet (they have that, right?), because White Oprah and LiLo are victory partying their livers out tonight. And then it's off to Toronto where LiLo will start shooting bullets into Liz Taylor's memory by playing her in that Lifetime movie. Nail down your strollers and 8-balls, Toronto, here comes LiLo! | |
| And Now, A Lesson On Overpopulation From Michelle Duggar | Top |
| Huffing several thousand cans of White Rain hairspray has officially turned Michelle Duggar's brain into a magical mound of WTFness that spits out hilariously random facts for our enjoyment. The mother of 19 children and counting sat down for an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (via Jezebel) and was asked her thoughts on people saying that she's sucking up the world's resources by turning her vagina into a popcorn popper. The dull twinkle in Michelle's eye globes while she listened to that question is the same dull twinkle I had in my eye globes when I was rollin' on ecstasy. And the same answer she birthed out of her mouth is the same answer I'd give if I was rollin' on ecstasy. Michelle says that there's not too many people in the world, because if you put all of us shoulder to shoulder, we'd fit in the city limits of Jacksonville, FL. "Well, first off, the idea of overpopulation is not accurate because, really, the entire population of the world, if they were stood shoulder to shoulder, could fit in the city limits of Jacksonville. So if you realize that aspect of it, we realize we're not anywhere near being overpopulated." I must've been absent the day they covered this in overpopulation class at Snapple Bottle Cap University, because I did not know this. That fact probably dropped out of Michelle's ass when her 19th kid popped out, but if it is true, then this just confirms that there are too many people in this world! I mean, in a couple of years when most of the earth is covered in water (source: my ass) and the only land left is Jacksonville, FL, we'll all have to stand shoulder to shoulder. Make sure you're standing next to someone hot, because the only thing you'll be able to do is give your neighbor a handjob and maybe nibble the hair of the ho in front of you. That's it. Let me put it this way, I can probably fit 10 dicks up my ass, but that doesn't make it right. (Note to the dudes who might've read my Craigslist ad looking for ten dicks to shove up my ass at the same time: I didn't mean that last part.) Michelle then went on to say that her family does everything to keep their carbon footprint to a size 2 by buying everything used and making their own soap and shit. Michelle also thinks that her children will be the ones paying for social security since they will be upstanding citizens of the world while your children be lazy, greedy, government-sucking assholes. Oh, and apparently people from other countries are begging us Americans to pop out more kids, because their death rates are so high and we need to even shit out. And Michelle also dropped this beautiful shiny gem of wisdom: "I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, 'to say that there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers'" Hmmm. That's interesting, because I believe it was also the late great Mother Teresa who said: "PUSSY AIN'T A CLOWN CAR, BITCH!" The globs of smegma I sneeze out during allergy season tells me that yes, there are too many flowers. That all being said, I love Michelle Duggar, because she regularly makes me give birth to 19 lols and counting. I just want to hug Michelle, but that's mostly because I want to create a distraction for her war torn uterus to make its grand escape. | |
| Jim Carrey Might Try The Whole Marriage Thing Again | Top |
After humping on Jenny McCarthy for all those years and making my eyeballs barf by professing his love to Emma Stone in a video love letter, Jim Carrey has finally found true love with a 30-year-old Russian student and he's getting ready to make her his third wife. Star says that Jim started licking on Anastasia Vitkina's glorious globe head last year and shit is getting so serious that he's planning to put an engagement ring on her finger. Gold diggers of the world, prepare your shovels for the victory salute! A source close to Jim puts it like this: "Jim is going to propose! He's absolutely crazy about Anastasia and couldn't be happier. Anastasia is really smart, but what he likes best about her is her sense of humor. She makes him laugh -- Jenny would drive him to tears." I always knew deep down that Jim would find love with a Russian woman who looks like what would happen if Amanda Seyfried artificially inseminated herself with Brian Peppers' jizz. Anastasia is perfect for Jim. Whenever he starts to really act the crazy (example: by pulling a prenup for her to sign), Anastasia can use her Plymouth Rock forehead to head butt him back into real life. | |
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