The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Things That Will Exist: A Sequel To Twins
- My Barf Will Go On
- OctoMom Talked To Her Child Army About Taking Her Top Off For A Check
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 29th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- Would You Hit It?
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Open Post: Hosted By NIN On Dance Party USA
- Lindsay Lohan Is Free At Last (Sort Of)
| Things That Will Exist: A Sequel To Twins | Top |
Ron Burgundy as Ron Burgundy announced on Conan a couple of nights ago that you will see more of Anchorman in the near future. This is a DO WANT sequel. Well, Hollywood always knows how to take the pucker out of your asshole, because now they're giving us a DO NOT WANT sequel. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal is working on a sequel to 1988's Twins called Triplets (...ugh) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Eddie Murphy as their third brother. You can't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger Danny DeVito Eddie Murphy without A-P-R-I-L-P-H-O-O-L-S (yes, you can but just go with it). Unfortunately, this isn't a joke. Ivan Rietman is the producer on Triplets and he's currently looking for a writer and director to bring this cinematic nightmare to life. Arnold, Danny and Eddie have all agreed to do this. Arnold, Danny and Eddie each have enough money to build themselves 30,000 square foot mansions out of $100 bills, so they can't only be doing this for a check. Why are they doing this to us? Hollywood is splattering our eyes with this dirty diaper mess, but yet they haven't given us a sequel to Big Business called Bigger Business (starring Bette, Lily and Mo'Nique.) Or a sequel to Outrageous Fortune called Outrageouser Fortune? Triplets it not what I ordered! Take it back. I'd rather Alicia Silverstone bird-feed me January Jones' placenta than watch this mess. | |
| My Barf Will Go On | Top |
There's a good reason for why Kate Winslet looks like a tidal wave of vom just splashed into her mouth and she's trying to hold it together. You can assume it's because somewhere nearby someone is playing "My Heart Will Go On" and it's tickling the wet heaves out of her throat. When that mess first came out, you couldn't escape it. It was like musical lice. Millions of car radios were destroyed, because radio stations played that shit on a non-stop loop. I knew shit had gone too far when one of my friend's told me that a singer at a funeral sang that song in Spanish while holding a rose and even did the "I'm flying, Jack!" pose during the last note. Ayúdame, no puedo! Well, Kate Winslet also can't stand that song and she told MTV News (via UsWeekly) that it's like activated charcoal for her soul: "I wish I could say, 'Oh listen, everybody! It's the Celine Dion song!' But I don't, I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll. [It makes me] feel like throwing up. It's thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song." I know that a lot of people ejaculate maple syrup out of their ear holes from listening to the French Canadian nightingale voice of Celine Dion, but maybe Celine's voice is the reason why the song makes Kate die inside. I bet Kate will be rocked the right way while listening to the only version the world needs: (Thanks, Doug) | |
| OctoMom Talked To Her Child Army About Taking Her Top Off For A Check | Top |
| On an episode of The Mah Boo Fun Time Hour of Giggles airing today, The Silver Fox puts his giggle on hold to talk to Michelle Duggar's partner in populating, OctoMom, about those awkward half-nekkid pictures of her pulled and pricked baby machine making body in Closer Magazine. TMZ said that Octo pulled her chichis out for ten thousand dollars, but she tells Anderson that she got $1,000 for each octuplet. For those of you who have the adding skills of a Simpson, that's $8,000! I couldn't even get an offer of 8 expired game tickets from Bullwinkle's to put my nipples on display, so good on you, Octo. Octo also tells Anderson that she shit on most of the offers thrown at her (including a $1 million offer from Vivid to give birth to a peen, backwards), because they went against her morals. But when the eviction notices started piling up on her doorstep and she was a checking account withdrawal away from the homeless shelter, she loosened her morals and pulled her top off. But it was a hard decision for Octo. Octo spent more time thinking about taking her clothes off than she spent thinking about whether or not she should let a back alley certified doctor shove 8 fucking embryos up into her body. But before Octo said yes to undress, she gathered her 14 children around and talked it over with them. Octo's oldest kid is around 10 years old and her youngest are all 3 years old, so that conversation must have been fun for everyone around: Octo: "Okay, kids, we're thisclose to selling mud pies on the freeway off ramp, so mama has to pull her feeding bags out for rent money. All in favor, raise your hands. Oh damn, I can't see anything. I don't know if it's because the lights are off in my head or if it's because ConEd turned the lights off in the house again." Octo is doing what she has to do to put half of Food 4 Less on the dinner table each night, but how many more $8k offers is she going to get? Octo is going about it the wrong way. What she needs to do is put all of her 14 kids in brown curly wigs down to their ankles and find a way to get them to the Duggar compound. Michelle Duggar won't even notice, and if she does, put those 14 kids in flowers costumes. Because the three things Michelle Duggar can't say no to are: her own children, flowers and Jim Bob's sperm. (Plan C: Put those 14 kids in Jim Bob sperm fish costumes.) | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For March 29th! | Top |
Kim K's regulars calculate the odds of getting kidney failure before she's satisfied. - MrsPotatoHead Runners-up: Jessica Simpson's Amniotic Fluid Relief Team practice for the big day. - BaconSlut This is what the script for "Good Will Hunting" looked like before Matt Damon's input. - parissucksliterally via Gravy Holocaust | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
Johanna Quaas, the 86-year-old gymnast who slayed most of us younger hos with her floor routine at the 2012 Cottbus World Cup in Germany this week. Madge isn't the only limber granny who can slip into a leotard to throw her crotch up in the air, Johanna can do that to and how. The only thing I know about Johanna is that she's 86, has been doing gymnastics since her 20s, was a member of the East German handball champion team and do this better than any of us: And this!: As the 12th best student (out of 11 total students, I don't know how that happened either) in my junior gymnastics class at SCATS ("Too easy." - you), I give this tumbling memaw the Werther's Original medal in YES!!! Johanna can flip, stretch and kick around like her bones are made of Slinkies while my hip bone pops out of its socket when I just think about doing a cartwheel. When I'm 86, I hope to be at least 1/20th as limber as Johanna is, but not because I want to be a geriatric gymnast or some shit. I want to be as limber so that I can easily whip neighborhood brats with a switch when they interrupt my drinking on the porch time. via Neatorama | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Warren Beatty (75) | |
| Would You Hit It? | Top |
When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco's character in the feature film version of TruTV's Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:
It's the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1's From G's to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn't take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips. When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don't see the "rapper" Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I'm trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman's True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it! Who knew that James Franco could pull off the "middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit" look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco's peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches. And let's just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Johnny Depp knows he needs to get his shit together (see: bathe in Borax) when John Mayer is walking around looking like a clean Johnny Depp - Lainey Gossip In a shocking turn of events, Adrianne Curry put her tits on Twitter again - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather Please lie to me and tell me that next to reason for divorce it said: BOSSY BOTTOM TAYLOR LAUTNER - Celebitchy "Preggo Bathing Suit Hose Down" sounds like an actual movie starring Uma Thuman and directed by Quentin Tarantino - Hollywood Tuna Mark Bingham's mom finds the most polite and eloquent way to say, "Fuck off, Carson Daly" - Towleroad Fisting fun with John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone - The Berry I'm a little disappointed that Baby Aleph Milliwhatever isn't wearing a cap and gown after graduating from Harvard 21 years early - Popsugar I hate Gwen Stefani for wearing those jeans and I hate the 90s circuit queen she stole them from - Popoholic They're not kissing, Kurt Russell is just feeding Goldie Hawn bird-style. See the power Cher Horowitz has?! - ICYDK Gale almost killed Thor - The Superficial Elle Fanning welcomes to the ginge to her hair - Just Jared Boy toy's boy toys - Cityrag Isn't that Minka Kelly trick always "single again"? - Celebslam That's not a coffin! That's Jessica Simpson's birthing pod! - The Daily What Lily Allen sort of kind of just had a baby so I will give her a pass for those Minnie Mouse ass shoes - I'm Not Obsessed | |
| Open Post: Hosted By NIN On Dance Party USA | Top |
| Right before the 1990s were about to begin, the 1980s let civilization know one last time that it will forever remain the most beautifully fucked up decade by sending Nine Inch Nails out to perform on Dance Party USA. Stereogum says that a NIN fan found the buried clip from 1989 and uploaded it to YouTube to remind everyone that the 80s didn't mess around. Before you begin to guess that NIN only went on the show after they were blackmailed by the producer who found a dead hooker in their van, let me stop that thought before it starts and let Trent Reznor explain this mess: Many years ago, a young and naive Nine Inch Nails were asked what TV shows they'd be interested in appearing on. As a joke (and likely drunk), they thought of the most absurd choice they could come up with at the time. They were then informed their bluff had been called and were actually booked on said show... They hopped in their Honda Civic touring vehicle (hatchback) and travelled many miles to (I think) NJ for the big show. They had a laugh making fun of the people, their fashion choices and hairstyles. Life was good. Years later, the internet is discovered... There's a moral in there somewhere. Come to think of it, Skrillex may indeed owe me some publishing on that hairdo... You know, I thought I was here just to watch kids in outfits from Charlotte Russe try to figure out how to move their limbs to NIN. But now I know I'm really here for Trent Reznor's SCRUNCHIE! | |
| Lindsay Lohan Is Free At Last (Sort Of) | Top |
Wearing teal pants that made it look like she's smuggling Cisco Adler's family jewels in her crotch, Lindsay Lohan sashayed into court in L.A. today for what could be her last date with Judge Stephanie. After being on probation for a million eternities, LiLo finally did enough community service for the California Justice System to say: "Okay, now it looks like you're not totally fisting us in the ass without Crisco." Judge Stephanie gave LiLo a pat on the freckled taint by saying she's done everything she's supposed to do. Judge Stephanie then lifted formal probation off of LiLo for her 2007 DUI, but kept her on informal probation for snatching that necklace. Judge Stephanie then dropped some words of advice into LiLo's (those words hit the court room floor after they fell out of the other ear): "The only terms left for you on that case are to obey all laws. Not that hard. I know it's kinda hard when people are following you all over the place but that's the life you chose. Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work." LiLo then thanked Judge Stephanie for being fair, because this has opened so many doors for her. Specifically, the doors to Chateau Marmont's mini bar and cocaine closet (they have that, right?), because White Oprah and LiLo are victory partying their livers out tonight. And then it's off to Toronto where LiLo will start shooting bullets into Liz Taylor's memory by playing her in that Lifetime movie. Nail down your strollers and 8-balls, Toronto, here comes LiLo! | |
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