Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Marky Mark Getting A Spray Tan Top

Here I was thinking that Marky Mark got his golden glow from working himself up into a heated sweat while drop kicking rubber terrorist dummies in his garage to prove that if he, a one-man al-Qaeda killing machine, was on those planes headed for the WTC, 9/11 would've just been another day. I was wrong! Marky gets his tan in a can. Marky Mark is still in Miami and he's still shooting that non-porn gay porn movie with The Rock.

I've never had a spray tan and I hate to tell a professional skin browner how to do her job, but shouldn't she be spending more time on Marky's chichis zone? Homegirl should spray a little tromp l'oeil cleavage onto Marky's chest to really make his titties pop. That way the rubber terrorist dummies in his garage will be so blinded by his bountiful breasteses that they won't see it coming when he karate chops them in their rubber necks, sending them to their rubber god.

 
How Do You Say "Escandalo" In Chinese? Top

Zhang Ziyi is an international film star who starred in dozens of movies including Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers and of course the crowning achievement in her career: Rush Hour 2. But if these reports are true, Zhang Ziyi will best be known as the greatest and most lucrative pussy peddler who ever lived. I know you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, aren't the Kuntrashians the biggest whores in history?" They might be the biggest, but they aren't the best. Do they have a top shelf pussy that has a $1 million price tag on it? Pimp Mama Kris and her bottom shelf heffa whores can stay down as Zhang Ziyi's Fortune 500 coochie queefs diamond dust at them from the top.

Yahoo! Singapore says that there are several reports in China that claim 33-year-old Zhang Ziyi was forced to cancel an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her new movie Dangerous Liaisons, because the Chinese government refused to let her walk out the exit door while they investigate the two-person prostitution ring she was allegedly involved in. The reports claim that Bo Xilai, China's former Minister of Commerce, handed over almost $950,000 to get down with Zhang Ziyi for one night in 2007. Bo reportedly had sex with her 10 more times from 2007 to 2011. Every fuck time transition was allegedly arranged by businessman Xu Ming. Xu Ming was Zhang Ziyi's pimp and sold her five-star chocha to various rich and powerful men for at least $900,000 a pop.

Now here comes the part that makes Zhang Ziyi the J.P. Morgan of ho shit. One report claims that over the course of 10 years, Zhang Ziyi made 700 million yuan (US$110 million) from sexing on China's elite. My calculator tells me that if Zhang Ziyi charged $900,000 for one date, she only had to drop her 'gina on a john's peen 12 times a year. Zhang Ziyi is a true entrepreneur and I know I've said this before about everybody, but this time I really mean it. Zhang Ziyi is my HERO. That's if this is true, but Zhang Ziyi says it isn't.

Zhang Ziyi's rep issued a statement where they denied all of this and demanded an apology from the paper that opened up this scandal:

"We read this outrageous report in the Hong Kong's Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness. During the last month, Zhang Ziyi has been busy working day and night on the set of 'The Grandmasters.' Why should this devoted and responsible actress have to suffer this kind of slander and defamation? Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent.

But this time we don't want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth. This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we'll seek legal justice; we'll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. "

First of all, that was a really hot statement. Take note, American publicists, that's how you write an official response. Put some drama into it so people really pay attention. A statement should sound like it was written by a dude who used to write for the Batman comic books.

Second of all, these reports could be lies, but then again a true ho never tells. If it isn't true, I hope Zhang Ziyi sues the bitches responsible and collects $110 million. If it is true, then I better see Zhang Ziyi's vagina on Forbes' Celebrity 100 next year. Because people should pay homage to you when you make Demi Moore's Indecent Proposal character look like a common food stamps hooker. I mean, who wouldn't want to say, "Here's my account and routing number. I'll open my pussy as soon as my Swiss bank gives me the green light."

 
The Les Miz Trailer: Anne Hathaway Sings! Top

Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.

That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.

 
The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson And Baby Maxwell On People Magazine Top

Lately, it seems like celebrities have been debuting their baby friends to public eyes for free on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook or by creating the image of their baby's face with fireworks over a blue-lit Empire State Building (that's how Blue Ivy made her public debut, right?). So it warms my money-loving gene to see that there's still some celebrities out there with old-fashioned pimp values who will gladly whore out their baby's first pictures for a suitcase full of neatly-stacked hundred dollar bills.

The moonshine jug in Jessica Simpson's backyard where she keeps her money is $800,000 fuller thanks to this picture of her 10 pound bundle of baby Maxwell Drew. I know, Maxwell Drew looks so young for a 5-year-old! Who knew that Jessica's amniotic fluid ocean was the real fountain of youth.

Jessica tells People that she gave birth to MD via C-section, because she had a TEN POUND BABY and she wants to leave the heavy duty birthing to Michelle Duggar's industrial-strength super vagina slide. Jessica also said this stuff:

"We stare at her all the time," says Simpson. "We can't get enough!"

But becoming new parents hasn't been without its hardships. Recovering from surgery – Simpson delivered via C-section – isn't easy, she says, and nursing, which she does throughout the day, has become "a full-on job."

Still, "It's the worst if I have to pump and give Eric a bottle to give her," says Simpson. "I miss holding her and having that closeness."

It's funny that Jessica didn't mention that when they broke her water, an amniotic fluid tidal wave poured out with Jonah bodysurfing in it. You'd think she'd talk about that. Maybe she's waiting to sell that little story to Christian Living Magazine. On a different note...

The ho who Photoshopped this cover needs to intern with Mimi's personal team of Photoshoppers, because they went too far with Jessica's face. Jessica should have a natural glow from being a new mother and from being $800,000 richer. Her face shouldn't look like an inside/out rubber clown mask. For shame.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 29th! Top

"Twins?!? Anne, Geddes out of here!" - BaconSlut

Runners-up:

At their wedding Justin Bieber exclaims to Selena:
"I just knew you were lying about where babies come from!" - Vern

David Silver cannot believe that so much plastic surgery caused Megan Fox to give birth to Cabbage Patch twins. - dfanintheD

Yes Jennifer, they do come with an adoption certificate. No Jennifer, he won't marry you. - nili

via Sad and Useless (Thanks, Kat)

 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top

The Schwankes of Fremont, Nebraska who say that one of the secrets to their marriage lasting 64 long ass years is in their closet. No, their closet isn't filled with sex slave boys, vibrating massage tables, a lube bar, anal speculums and fisting mittens (you're thinking of the secret to John Travolta's marriage lasting so long). Joey and Mel's closet is stuffed with over 100 custom-made matching outfits. Not a day goes by when Joey and Mel aren't giving FLORAL EXTRAVAGANZA realness by wearing a matching outfit. The floral fabric section at JoAnn's is always cleared out and for that you can thank the Schwankes who are always looking like the host and hostess of an Easter-themed brunch only restaurant. Or like a husband and wife musical duo who only covers the greatest hits of Pat Boone.

This is the future of that couple in your 8th grade class who always showed up on Friday wearing matching polo shirts and the same color jeans. You know what always bothered me about that couple? They never matched their shoes. She'd wear black Converse and he'd wear Timbs or something. It's all in the details. The Schwankes would never ever make that mistake.

via The Daily What 

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Wynonna Judd (48)
Devendra Banhart (31)
Remy Ma (31)
Cee-Lo Green (38)
Idina Menzel (41)
Tonya Pinkins (50)
Ted McGinley (54)
Jake "The Snake" Roberts (57)
Colm Meaney (59)
Ruta Lee (76)

 
Michelle Rodriguez On Why Nicole Kidman Won't Win An Oscar For Pissing On Zac Efron Top

When I first read that in Lee Daniels' newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron's chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave "Nicole Kidman's Piss Stream" on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn't going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac's lip gloss-covered nipples, because she's not black.

"I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, 'She's going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.' I was like, 'Nah, man. She's not black!' I laugh, but it's also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can't just be trashy."

The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn't for playing a character that wasn't black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren't trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels' Precious, Mo'Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don't know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you're high on meth. I'm not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.

And now I have the image of Mo'Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.

 
Shots Fired: Dominic Monaghan Accuses Matthew Fox Of Being A Lady Beater Top

For the past year or so, Matthew Fox has quickly shown his true colors as a bona fide cunt menace to humanity by having a one-sided boxing match with a party bus driver's poon, among other things. And now his old co-worker from Lost, Dominic Monaghan, has fully called him out on Twitter for being a full-time resident of WhoopinAssville. Not even a part-time resident. A full-time resident who files taxes there and everything. It all started when Dom had a little Q&A on Twitter and one of his followers, ‏@omggbeccaa, asked him to "holla" at Matthew Fox to get a Twitter. If Dom had a filter, he spit it out and cared not one fuck when he answered with this:

@omggbeccaa he beats women. No thanks.

@omggbeccaa must've thought Dom was talking about the party bus beat down, because she told him she knows it was wrong, but what about all those good times they had together. Dom continued to spill enough tea to keep Celestial Seasonings in business forever:

@omggbeccaa how do you know we ever did?you don't know either of us.he beats women.not isolated incidents.often.not interested.

When others told Dom that he better sit on his fingers before Matthew Fox stops slapping women to use his hands to slap Dom with a lawsuit, the hobbit didn't back down:

@Fate815 @omggbeccaa an accusation is when you"claim" someone did something wrong.i know.but hey little fan girl maybe want to get slapped

@Fate815 @omggbeccaa around by him? Daddy issues? Blinded by the nice haircut? It's never okay. Maybe you have lower standards.

@Fate815 @omggbeccaa and it's very difficult to sue someone for speaking the truth. Have you received an education dear?

Dominic hasn't had a case of Twitterer's remorse and hasn't taken a Magic Erase to all his claims, because his Tweets are still up. Every now and again the celebrity world surprises my ass and this is one of those times, because I can't believe a celebrity has Tweeted his mind without caring about staying neutral and shit. If I could, I'd get on my knees and blow on air kiss right into Dom's face for that. I kind of believe this too. I knew Matthew had asshole running through his veins when he punched a party bus driver's tits. It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists.

Source: CDAN via Jezebel

 
Night Crumbs Top

Becks brought his nipples out for Elle UK and the only thing I have to say about this is, WHERE ARE HIS EYES?! - Celebitchy

Jake Gyllenhaal is a pair of leather chaps away from giving us Castro leather daddy chic - Lainey Gossip

Jason Biggs wife is a 19-year-old frat boy trapped in a woman's body - SOW

And in this "human cauliflower" edition of Bullett Magazine..... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Nicole Scherzinger's left chichi plays a quick game of peek-a-titty - Hollywood Tuna

Where can I get myself a Silver Fox walking stick? - Towleroad

What in Betsy Ross hell kind of American flag dress is that? - The Superficial

This set of pictures of Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez would be so much more entertaining if the pictures of her attacking the paps' throats with her fangs were included - Popoholic

This conversation between Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron is sponsored by three bowls and a bong - ICYDK

There's something not right about beaver babies yodeling on about death - Just Jared

Katy Perry SANS FARDS - The Berry

Brooke on a bike - IDLYITW

At every bachelorette party I've been to, usually the bride is not the one popping ass for the guests, but I guess Meagan Good does things differently - Crunk + Disorderly

Harpo, who dis woman and don't try to tell me it's Angela from My-So-Called Life - Cityrag

Something tells me Phoebe Price is hiding under that dress - Popsugar

Eminem is making an album with Slaughterhouse - Hollywood Rag

But where are the pictures of Camilla trying to eat her own hat? - Popsugar

 

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