Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Night Crumbs Top

Anne Hathaway messed up her arm, so now she looks even more like a sickly street urchin boy. But I do love that she's bringing the choker back. - Lainey Gossip

Things that should be a Tumblr: Hot dudes in hats - The Berry

For the none of you who didn't already know, Andrew Rannells of Book of Mormon is gay - Towleroad

Will RiRi just change her name to Rita Ora Jr. already and get it over with? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Christian Bale and Drew Barrymore went out on a date once - Celebitchy

That dehydrated mango slice has some big chichis - Hollywood Tuna

Either Kim Kardashian is melodramatic as all hell or those sunglasses were made of plutonium - The Superficial

For why is Kristen Stewart dressed like the slutty secretary at a Catholic school? - Popoholic

FYI: Afrojack is in post-Wonky quarantine now - ICYDK

And as soon as Fishsticks Paltrow got home, she burned her shoes in the garden pizza oven, because their bottoms touched the footprints of the poors! - Popsugar

Adam Levine humped on a lot of vagina because he likes vagina - Just Jared

I'm surprised JLo didn't make Casper Smart tattoo her face on his peen so she can basically sucks herself off - OMG Blog

Will Smith brings his secret lovah to Monaco - Crunk + Disorderly

Travel down the memory lane of beauty with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Rosie - Cityrag

JLove has refined tastes when it comes to gourmet cuisine - Celebslam

And yet, the greatest singing competition of our time, WB Superstar USA has never gotten a second season... - Videogum

Bobbi Kristina has an I QUIT THIS BITCH moment on Tyler Perry's new show - I'm Not Obsessed

Slash is done with Guns 'N Roses FOREVER - Hollywood Rag

NOTE: The CAPTION THIS Contest is taking a break and will be back tomorrow. And yes, by "taking a break" I mean it has crabs.

 
White Oprah Is Making Her Much-Anticipated Return To Reality TV Top

Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.

White Oprah's sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC's Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she's shooting episodes of Vh1's Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.

Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn't a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back's bin and whose catchphrase will be, "Are you going to drink that?"

DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I'm sure that for the show's big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members' rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.

I'm happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won't sell little Cody Lohan's internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn't Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!

 
Open Post: Hosted By Sharon Stone And Her Hot Piece Top

After a long morning of making fun of her Filipino nanny for being Filipino, 54-year-old Sharon "Heart Of" Stone loves nothing more than to do the cougar roll with her 27-year-old Argentine model boyfriend Martin Mica on the beach in Venice, CA. If Sir Richard David Attenborough narrated these pictures, he'd tell us that this is the moment when the vampire cougar plays with her victim before she drags him off to her multi-million dollar cave to slowly drink the life blood from one of his crotch veins before eventually using his skin to make a gown she'll wear to her next movie premiere. No, I don't mean that. This is love. You can tell they have a very special and close relationship (not really). In this picture, Sharon is asking her piece, "Do my labies look pasty?" After he says yes, she tans them! See, it's love.

And you don't need to strain your eyes by trying to remove the pixels of Martin's tank to see his nipples. Ask and you shall receive (just ignore the derp-ness in his face).

 
Kathie Lee Gifford Is A Consummate Journalist Top

There are many reasons why I love absolute mess Kathie Lee Gifford (Side Note: If Kathie Lee Gifford was a brand of vodka, she's be Absolut Mess.) and the clip above is one of them. Kathie Lee Gifford's job is to interview guests and to read facts about her guests on a card given to her by an intern who did a 5-second Wiki search on said guest. But who needs facts? Who needs research? Who needs all of that? If the fact card isn't liquefied down, fermented in a barrel for years and then poured into a clear wine bottle, Kathie Lee wants nothing to do with it. That's just her style of journalism and I'm all about it. So because of this, Kathie Lee's drunk ass had no idea that Martin Short's wife has been dead since 2010 when she asked him how long they've been married during an interview on Today this morning.

Kathie Lee went on and on like she's best friends with Martin and his wife. Like they go antiquing and bed and breakfast-ing each weekend. Kathie Lee told Hoda that Martin and his wife have one of the greatest marriages in the business that is show and then she asked him, "How many years now for you guys?" Martin played along, because being in show business for so long taught him how to deal with morning time drunks. Don't screw with their buzz and calmly watch as their train of thought crashes into the side of a building.

After the commercial, Kathie Lee put on her best sober face and apologized for not knowing that Martin's wife died of ovation cancer in 2010. Kathie Lee said that during the break, Martin took her aside and broke the news to her. Martin then told Kathie that his wife "would've wanted to keep the conversation going." As Martin walked away from Kathie, he said under his breath, "keep the conversation going with a professional in rehab, because you're a drunk bitch of a mess."

via Gossip Cop

 
Marky Mark Getting A Spray Tan Top

Here I was thinking that Marky Mark got his golden glow from working himself up into a heated sweat while drop kicking rubber terrorist dummies in his garage to prove that if he, a one-man al-Qaeda killing machine, was on those planes headed for the WTC, 9/11 would've just been another day. I was wrong! Marky gets his tan in a can. Marky Mark is still in Miami and he's still shooting that non-porn gay porn movie with The Rock.

I've never had a spray tan and I hate to tell a professional skin browner how to do her job, but shouldn't she be spending more time on Marky's chichis zone? Homegirl should spray a little tromp l'oeil cleavage onto Marky's chest to really make his titties pop. That way the rubber terrorist dummies in his garage will be so blinded by his bountiful breasteses that they won't see it coming when he karate chops them in their rubber necks, sending them to their rubber god.

 
How Do You Say "Escandalo" In Chinese? Top

Zhang Ziyi is an international film star who starred in dozens of movies including Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers and of course the crowning achievement in her career: Rush Hour 2. But if these reports are true, Zhang Ziyi will best be known as the greatest and most lucrative pussy peddler who ever lived. I know you're thinking to yourself, "But Michael, aren't the Kuntrashians the biggest whores in history?" They might be the biggest, but they aren't the best. Do they have a top shelf pussy that has a $1 million price tag on it? Pimp Mama Kris and her bottom shelf heffa whores can stay down as Zhang Ziyi's Fortune 500 coochie queefs diamond dust at them from the top.

Yahoo! Singapore says that there are several reports in China that claim 33-year-old Zhang Ziyi was forced to cancel an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her new movie Dangerous Liaisons, because the Chinese government refused to let her walk out the exit door while they investigate the two-person prostitution ring she was allegedly involved in. The reports claim that Bo Xilai, China's former Minister of Commerce, handed over almost $950,000 to get down with Zhang Ziyi for one night in 2007. Bo reportedly had sex with her 10 more times from 2007 to 2011. Every fuck time transition was allegedly arranged by businessman Xu Ming. Xu Ming was Zhang Ziyi's pimp and sold her five-star chocha to various rich and powerful men for at least $900,000 a pop.

Now here comes the part that makes Zhang Ziyi the J.P. Morgan of ho shit. One report claims that over the course of 10 years, Zhang Ziyi made 700 million yuan (US$110 million) from sexing on China's elite. My calculator tells me that if Zhang Ziyi charged $900,000 for one date, she only had to drop her 'gina on a john's peen 12 times a year. Zhang Ziyi is a true entrepreneur and I know I've said this before about everybody, but this time I really mean it. Zhang Ziyi is my HERO. That's if this is true, but Zhang Ziyi says it isn't.

Zhang Ziyi's rep issued a statement where they denied all of this and demanded an apology from the paper that opened up this scandal:

"We read this outrageous report in the Hong Kong's Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness. During the last month, Zhang Ziyi has been busy working day and night on the set of 'The Grandmasters.' Why should this devoted and responsible actress have to suffer this kind of slander and defamation? Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent.

But this time we don't want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth. This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we'll seek legal justice; we'll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. "

First of all, that was a really hot statement. Take note, American publicists, that's how you write an official response. Put some drama into it so people really pay attention. A statement should sound like it was written by a dude who used to write for the Batman comic books.

Second of all, these reports could be lies, but then again a true ho never tells. If it isn't true, I hope Zhang Ziyi sues the bitches responsible and collects $110 million. If it is true, then I better see Zhang Ziyi's vagina on Forbes' Celebrity 100 next year. Because people should pay homage to you when you make Demi Moore's Indecent Proposal character look like a common food stamps hooker. I mean, who wouldn't want to say, "Here's my account and routing number. I'll open my pussy as soon as my Swiss bank gives me the green light."

 
The Les Miz Trailer: Anne Hathaway Sings! Top

Les Misérables doesn't come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn't supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It's a tragic story.

That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.

 
The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson And Baby Maxwell On People Magazine Top

Lately, it seems like celebrities have been debuting their baby friends to public eyes for free on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook or by creating the image of their baby's face with fireworks over a blue-lit Empire State Building (that's how Blue Ivy made her public debut, right?). So it warms my money-loving gene to see that there's still some celebrities out there with old-fashioned pimp values who will gladly whore out their baby's first pictures for a suitcase full of neatly-stacked hundred dollar bills.

The moonshine jug in Jessica Simpson's backyard where she keeps her money is $800,000 fuller thanks to this picture of her 10 pound bundle of baby Maxwell Drew. I know, Maxwell Drew looks so young for a 5-year-old! Who knew that Jessica's amniotic fluid ocean was the real fountain of youth.

Jessica tells People that she gave birth to MD via C-section, because she had a TEN POUND BABY and she wants to leave the heavy duty birthing to Michelle Duggar's industrial-strength super vagina slide. Jessica also said this stuff:

"We stare at her all the time," says Simpson. "We can't get enough!"

But becoming new parents hasn't been without its hardships. Recovering from surgery – Simpson delivered via C-section – isn't easy, she says, and nursing, which she does throughout the day, has become "a full-on job."

Still, "It's the worst if I have to pump and give Eric a bottle to give her," says Simpson. "I miss holding her and having that closeness."

It's funny that Jessica didn't mention that when they broke her water, an amniotic fluid tidal wave poured out with Jonah bodysurfing in it. You'd think she'd talk about that. Maybe she's waiting to sell that little story to Christian Living Magazine. On a different note...

The ho who Photoshopped this cover needs to intern with Mimi's personal team of Photoshoppers, because they went too far with Jessica's face. Jessica should have a natural glow from being a new mother and from being $800,000 richer. Her face shouldn't look like an inside/out rubber clown mask. For shame.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 29th! Top

"Twins?!? Anne, Geddes out of here!" - BaconSlut

Runners-up:

At their wedding Justin Bieber exclaims to Selena:
"I just knew you were lying about where babies come from!" - Vern

David Silver cannot believe that so much plastic surgery caused Megan Fox to give birth to Cabbage Patch twins. - dfanintheD

Yes Jennifer, they do come with an adoption certificate. No Jennifer, he won't marry you. - nili

via Sad and Useless (Thanks, Kat)

 
Hot Sluts Of The Day! Top

The Schwankes of Fremont, Nebraska who say that one of the secrets to their marriage lasting 64 long ass years is in their closet. No, their closet isn't filled with sex slave boys, vibrating massage tables, a lube bar, anal speculums and fisting mittens (you're thinking of the secret to John Travolta's marriage lasting so long). Joey and Mel's closet is stuffed with over 100 custom-made matching outfits. Not a day goes by when Joey and Mel aren't giving FLORAL EXTRAVAGANZA realness by wearing a matching outfit. The floral fabric section at JoAnn's is always cleared out and for that you can thank the Schwankes who are always looking like the host and hostess of an Easter-themed brunch only restaurant. Or like a husband and wife musical duo who only covers the greatest hits of Pat Boone.

This is the future of that couple in your 8th grade class who always showed up on Friday wearing matching polo shirts and the same color jeans. You know what always bothered me about that couple? They never matched their shoes. She'd wear black Converse and he'd wear Timbs or something. It's all in the details. The Schwankes would never ever make that mistake.

via The Daily What 

 

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