Thursday, May 31, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Yahoo! Alerts
My Alerts

The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Alanis Morissette Will Breastfeed Her Son Until He's Had Enough Of Her Leche Knob, Thankyouverymuch Top

Just like Alicia Silverstone and Dr. Blossom, Alanis Morrissette is raising her 17-month-old son, Ever, the attachment parenting way and talked to Good Morning America (click here to see that shit) about it. It seems like it was just yesterday when Alanis was singing about going down on a dude in a theater and now she's going on about how she's okay with titty feeding her son during first grade recess.

Because of that Time magazine cover that won't ever go away, GMA asked Alanis about attachment parenting and she says that she knows it's not for everyone. Alanis' job allows her to bring son everywhere she goes. The only time they're apart is when she's on stage. They sleep together, eat together and go everywhere together. Ever will stop going mimi times when Alanis when he's ready to stop. Ever will retire his mouth from Alanis' nipple when he's ready to do so. When Alanis was asked if she's going to let Ever suck a meal out of her nip slit when he's six, she nodded yes.

"I'll stop whenever he wants. Some kids naturally stop at two, some stop at a couple of years later, its up to ever child. I will stop when he says it's time to stop."

I get that Alanis wants to be with Ever as much as possible and it works for her and her titty is there for him as long he wants it. I get all of that. But what I don't get is when does Alanis get mommy breakdown time? Does she take Ever into the bathroom with her, put him on the floor and let him watch as she gets into an empty tub fully clothed and downs a bottle of prosecco while drunkenly crying about how all she wants to do is spend one night getting boozed up in a bar without a baby attached to her titty? Because that could be awkward.

via ONTD

 
Thousands Of Norwegian Girls Lose Their Minds Over Justin Bieber Top


Above is a video of hundreds of Norwegian girls sounding like a flock of seagulls fighting over a piece of rotten lutefisk (yes, that's a metaphor for all of this) while chasing after a van carrying The Lesbeaver. The blonde tornado of insanity started when it was announced that Justin Bieber would give a free four-song concert outside of the Oslo Opera House last night. Thousands of girls jumped out of their panties and ran through the streets trampling everything and anything in their way. It was the running of the Biebers and those crazies didn't care who they took out. Oslo's mayor Fabian Stang was quoted as saying that it was the most embarrassing Hunger Games his city has ever hosted. May the odds ever Bieb in your favor.

TMZ says that shit got so crazy that the police almost declared a state of emergency in Oslo. Mayor Fabian Stang even had to hide behind a tree so he wouldn't get trampled on. When all was screamed and done, 49 teen girls were injured including 14 who had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The mayor said none of the girls were seriously injured, but he's still investigating that mess:

"I have already called on the Emergency Planning Agency to examine the entire event from the planning stage to its implementation. We have to find out what went wrong and why it happened."

Um. Mayor Stang doesn't need to put together a task force to find out what happened yesterday. The debilitating mental illness that is Bieber Fever caused this. There's no preventing it and there's no stopping it. Can you imagine having to go down to the hospital because your teen daughter twisted her ankle while jumping over a police barricade to get to The Lesbeaver? Talk about a family's shame. That's worse than getting knocked up by your 12th grade English teacher.

Now let's all laugh at these stupid girls as we stroke the scar we got from elbowing a trick in the mouth to get to the front of the line at Sam Goody to buy New Kids tickets. Remember when you had to buy concert tickets at the damn music store?

And here's Le Lesbeaver arriving in Paris after terrorizing Norway.

 
Jamie Lawson From Small Wonder Is Living Under A Bridge Top

To quote the wise philosopher Bonnie Brindle: "No-nuh-nuh-no-no-nooooooooo!"

A huge gaping, gash is scraped into the heart of humanity when useless pieces of throwaway trash like the Kardashians poot out hundred dollar bills on the regular and one of our cherished child stars who temporarily kept us out of trouble by entertaining us through the TV screen is laying his head on a cardboard pillow at night. Former Hot Slut of the Day Jerry Supiran, who played shifty schemer Jamie Lawson on Small Wonder, tells The National Enquirer (via NY Post) that he's broke, unemployed and homeless. Can't Obama sign an 80s child star bailout and help a bitch out? Damn.

Jerry says that all of his Small Wonder money is gone and it isn't because that ginger vixen Harriet Brindle seduced him out of his fortune and used the money to open up a hair ribbon store in Amsterdam with her lesbian lover. 39-year-old Jerry says that when he was 18, he fell in love with a gold digging stripper and she stole a lot of his money. Then one of his financial advisers snatched $500,000 and left him without a quarter in his pocket. Jerry worked as a waiter in a steakhouse in Henderson, NV for 15 years, but lost his job 2 years and hasn't been able to land another one. Jerry moved up to Central California, where his brother lives, and splits his time between his brother's house, a homeless shelter and his pied-à-terre under the bridge. How dreadful.

"When I was 18, I dated a stripper and she took what was left of my trust fund — then one of my advisers stole a half-million dollars from me. I've worked at different steakhouses for the last 15 years. But two years ago, I was laid off from a restaurant in Henderson, Nev., due to the economy. I haven't been able to find a job since.

I had to move back to central California where my brother lives with his family. And while he helps me with hot meals and a shower, he doesn't have the room for me to stay there. So I either sleep at the homeless shelter I volunteer at, or under a local bridge."

I don't know why Jerry's brother won't let him sleep in the garage, a shed in the backyard or the bathtub. There might be a bigger story there. I don't know. But I do know that the producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Choice, Celebrity Apprentice and every show on Vh1 need to send a contract via carrier pigeon to Jerry's place under the bridge, because this is not right. The Post asked Vicki the Robot about this and she didn't say much, which disappoints me. The Lawsons let Vicki live in their armoire for 4 seasons and that battery-powered bitch can't do the same thing for Jamie Lawson?  I hope Vicki's joints rust up as punishment for that cold move against Jamie.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to start a Kickstarter for a reboot of Small Wonder starring Jerry as Jamie, Rojo Caliente as Harriet and Suri Cruise as Vicki.

 
True Love Prevails: Hugh Hefner And Crystal Harris Are Back Together Top

It's been nearly a year since failed gold digger Crystal Harris left Hugh Hefner waiting in his Hoveround at the altar, sold her engagement ring for $90k and told Howard Stern that riding Hef's tequila worm dick made her pussy vomit and not in a good way. For the past few months, Crystal has been lying on an air mattress in her studio apartment waiting for the calls from Dial-A-Skank to come in (they never did) and while she waited she thought about the glory whory days when she'd pull a number out of the red ticket dispenser in Hef's chambers and patiently wait for her turn to sit on his face. Crystal misses the scent of Fixodent wafting off of her chocha and she wants to get back to that. So Crystal begged Hef to take her back and since he doesn't remember who the hell she is, he opened his front door to her! A source tells Radar that Hef is Crystal's Stevia Daddy (Hef's doctor told him to cut back on the sugar) again.

"Crystal begged Hef to let her come back. He surprisingly doesn't have any hard feelings against her, so he let her move back into the Mansion. Shera Berchard, Hef's #1 girlfriend, moved out as soon as Crystal moved back in. Hef and Crystal are really happy back together."

I know I've called Crystal a gold digger a million times before, but ho is more of a fame digger than a gold digger. You'd have to be the dimmest gold digger alive to get with Hef. Hef doesn't let his hos leave the mansion, gives them the worst allowance ever and probably notices when his ho steals one of his prized confederate coins to secretly pawn it off while they're out buying red velvet diaper covers for his Depends. It really is like living with your pepaw. CORRECTION: It's worse than living with your pepaw. At least your pepaw doesn't make you spoon feed him Viagra pudding before hopping up and down on his peen while reading the astrology section from an old copy of Reader's Digest. Crystal is obviously trying to get on another cover of Playboy or maybe she's just really into rubbing her coochie against Hef's stoma sores. Sucia bitch.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top


This hamster deserves HSOTD today for one of the following reasons:

1. This hamster is a highly-trained thespian who knows that when a human points a finger gun at him before making that "PEWT" sound, he needs to dramatically throw his furry meatball body back. He learned that trick at Juillard. Dude is better at acting than Blake Lively and needs to replace her in all her future projects. (Just don't make Richard Gere one of his co-stars.)

2. That "PEWT" sound scared the pellets out of him and he nearly shit his heart out. Hamster will get back at his owner by loudly running on the wheel every time his owner tries to go to sleep. Or hamster will escape out of his cage in the middle of the night to butt burp on his owner's lips while his owner is sleeping.

3. The hamster fell back while screaming "SANTO DIOS" to himself, because he knew his dumb stupid ass owner was not filming this shit in landscape mode!

It's totally #3.

via Jezebel

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Colin Farrell (36)
Waka Flocka Flame (26)
Eric Christian Olsen (35)
Archie Panjabi (40)
Sandrine Bonnaire (45)
Phil Keoghan (45)
Brooke Shields (47)
Corey Hart (50)
Lea Thompson (51)
Chris Elliott (52)
Roma Maffia (54)
Tom Berenger (63)
Sharon Gless (69)
Joe Namath (69)
Clint Eastwood (82)

 
The Daughter Of The Death Eaters Is Dating A Sarkozy Top

UsWeekly says that Danny Tanner's daughter turned serious businesstroll Mary-Kate Olsen is humping on a fancy French dude who is 17 years old than her. As you're reading this right now, MKO is doing a line of crushed bones off the inner thigh of 42-year-old Olivier Sarkozy who's Nicolas Sarkozy's younger brother. A source type says that MKO and Olivier have been bumping b-holes under the pale moonlight for about a month now.

"It's true, they're dating, and she's definitely interested in him. MK is constantly complaining about boys not being mature enough for her. She got the kids out of her system. Now being a businesswoman dominates her time, and she is rarely impressed with guys. They are good for each other.

These two don't make sense at all. MKO's idea of a good time is licking tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am and I doubt Olivier's idea of a good time is watching a troll lick tombstones in a Parisian cemetery at 3am. This is so random that it's probably planned. Just look at that sinister look in MKO's eyes. If you replaced that cup in her hand with a poisoned apple, that picture would make more sense. I don't trust that Olsen and I know what kind of dark-sidedness she's up to. MKO is going to go from Olivier Sarkozy to the former President of France to the current President of the France to becoming the President of France to becoming the President of Europe to becoming the President of the World! That's totally her plan. Quick, somebody tell Harry Potter to stop that bitch before it's too late.

 
From The Department Of Awwwww Top

In case you've been looking for a picture to tattoo on one of your ovaries, here's a picture of Theseus' son, ASkars, holding a tiny baby lamb in Bullett magazine. Yes, that baby lamb looks smug, but I'd be smug in the face too if I was an adorable baby lamb and was in the arms of a human Swedish lightning rod. Lamb is like "Awww, bitch, don't hate" and he has every reason to be like that. If every story about a lamb or whatever in the Bible was replaced with this picture, I'd totally read those stories all the time!

It's almost like ASkars is saying, "Look at this lamb, I'm going to make condoms out of it so that you can ride me until your pussy says 'baaaaaah.'"

That really is beautiful....unless you're a vegetarian...or an animal lover....or a person who doesn't completely hate lambs. If any of those are the case, then I totally ruined that picture for you.

via Best Week Ever

 
Night Crumbs Top

Anne Hathaway messed up her arm, so now she looks even more like a sickly street urchin boy. But I do love that she's bringing the choker back. - Lainey Gossip

Things that should be a Tumblr: Hot dudes in hats - The Berry

For the none of you who didn't already know, Andrew Rannells of Book of Mormon is gay - Towleroad

Will RiRi just change her name to Rita Ora Jr. already and get it over with? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Christian Bale and Drew Barrymore went out on a date once - Celebitchy

That dehydrated mango slice has some big chichis - Hollywood Tuna

Either Kim Kardashian is melodramatic as all hell or those sunglasses were made of plutonium - The Superficial

For why is Kristen Stewart dressed like the slutty secretary at a Catholic school? - Popoholic

FYI: Afrojack is in post-Wonky quarantine now - ICYDK

And as soon as Fishsticks Paltrow got home, she burned her shoes in the garden pizza oven, because their bottoms touched the footprints of the poors! - Popsugar

Adam Levine humped on a lot of vagina because he likes vagina - Just Jared

I'm surprised JLo didn't make Casper Smart tattoo her face on his peen so she can basically sucks herself off - OMG Blog

Will Smith brings his secret lovah to Monaco - Crunk + Disorderly

Travel down the memory lane of beauty with Real Housewives of New Jersey's Rosie - Cityrag

JLove has refined tastes when it comes to gourmet cuisine - Celebslam

And yet, the greatest singing competition of our time, WB Superstar USA has never gotten a second season... - Videogum

Bobbi Kristina has an I QUIT THIS BITCH moment on Tyler Perry's new show - I'm Not Obsessed

Slash is done with Guns 'N Roses FOREVER - Hollywood Rag

NOTE: The CAPTION THIS Contest is taking a break and will be back tomorrow. And yes, by "taking a break" I mean it has crabs.

 
White Oprah Is Making Her Much-Anticipated Return To Reality TV Top

Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.

White Oprah's sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC's Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she's shooting episodes of Vh1's Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.

Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn't a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back's bin and whose catchphrase will be, "Are you going to drink that?"

DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I'm sure that for the show's big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members' rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.

I'm happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won't sell little Cody Lohan's internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn't Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!

 

CREATE MORE ALERTS:

Auctions - Find out when new auctions are posted

Horoscopes - Receive your daily horoscope

Music - Get the newest Album Releases, Playlists and more

News - Only the news you want, delivered!

Stocks - Stay connected to the market with price quotes and more

Weather - Get today's weather conditions




You received this email because you subscribed to Yahoo! Alerts. Use this link to unsubscribe from this alert. To change your communications preferences for other Yahoo! business lines, please visit your Marketing Preferences. To learn more about Yahoo!'s use of personal information, including the use of web beacons in HTML-based email, please read our Privacy Policy. Yahoo! is located at 701 First Avenue, Sunnyvale, CA 94089.
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)