Thursday, June 7, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Jada Pinkett Smith Only Eats Food For Fuel Top

Seen here slithering around NYC yesterday, Jada Pinkett Smith recently told Essence Magazine that OH MY SHIT I CAN'T GO ON WITHOUT COMMENTING ON THAT BITCH'S CHEEKS! It looks like she's got two silicone lollipop balls trapped in her face. Is Jada's plastic surgeon the reincarnation of Wayland Flowers? Even Chicken Cutlets is telling Jada to calm down, because it looks like she tore off Will Smith's nutsacks and is storing them in her cheeks. If this Jada's way of trying to get Will to show her some affection in public by licking her testicle cheeks, I'm sure it has already worked.

Cheeks should not look like balloons and I should have not the urge to Photoshop the old man from Up holding on to one of them:

Okay, enough about Jada's terrifying cheeks. Jada told Essence that her guilty pleasures are fries and pizza, but she normally just sees food as a way to power her body:

French fries, and pizza… together. If I could have French fries and pizza every day I would really live off that. My real diet though, well, I don't eat for pleasure. I probably had the only West Indian grandmother that could not cook. [Laughs] She was an awful cook, and she taught me that you don't eat for taste, you eat for nourishment. And I have kept that over the years, so I can eat anything that's healthy. I eat for my schedule so I have to eat high-protein, lots of greens and healthy carbs so that I don't fall flat on my face.

Well, the good news is that if Jada ever falls flat on her face, her beach ball cheeks will bounce off the floor and put her back on her feet.

There's a now a valid reason for why Jada looks like a lizard. It's because she is a damn lizard! Bitch has the taste buds of a lizard and when she gets hungry, she just goes into the backyard to catch flies and lick on plants.

And after hearing that his wife said "I don't eat for pleasure," Will stopped eating between a pair of succulent man nalgas to say, "Huh?"

 
Odd Couple Alert: Ellen Page & ASkars Top

If you put your hand over Ellen Page, you'd sort of know what it would look like if you got to frisk ASkars. How Ellen Page kept herself from tickling ASkars' armpits with her hat's lips is beyond me. And yes, that grown man in the bottom right is totally Stefan-ing out of his mind, because he can't believe the Swedish essence of ASkar pits is blowing his way.

The oddest pairing since Kunty Karl and Choupette went to a Stanley Cup finals game at the Staples Center in L.A. yesterday and some are saying this means that Ellen is doing a sexy single bar gymnastics routine on ASkars' peen when the lights go down. Please. It's true that if you polled the planet's population, including inanimate objects, on whether or not they'd let ASkars stick the tip in, 99% would grab the butt lube and you ask where the line for that ride begins. When ASkars struts by a rock, the rock finds a way to grow a vagina so he can fuck it. Everybody wants to hump ASkars. But not Ellen Page. I mean, my common sense gene is preventing me from picturing that. They're just two beautiful lesbians who like to watch sports together. That's all.

They also did a movie together and I hope it went so well that they work together again in a movie version of the adventures of the Jolly Green Giant and Little Sprout. Because I want to see that.

 
Shut It, Preppy! Top

First Screech becomes famous again by Dirty Sanchez-ing a trick on camera, then Lisa Turtle shows up to an interview looking like a dusty, sad chola clown and now this? Just like Screech and Lisa Turtle before him, Zach Morris is stomping all over the hearts of our childhood. 38-year-old Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a star on the critically-acclaimed (read: no critics are acclaiming that shit), Emmy award-winning (read: no Emmys) television masterpiece Franklin & Bash and now he thinks he's too good for the show that made him an 80s icon. During an interview with Yahoo TV, Mark-Paul said in so many hurtful words that Saved By the Bell was a slice of cheese on a pile of caca.

"It's not a great show. The writing is kind of hokey… it's very much a piece of that time. It taught me to have a strong work ethic, and to take it very seriously. Even though we had fun, the one thing the producers instilled in us is that this is a business. You can still have all your fun, but you have to do your job, and then you can reap all the benefits at the end."

SBTB had jheri curl mullets, graffiti surfer pants, awesome dance moves (remember "The Sprain"?), a funeral song for a chameleon, overexcited crackheads and a cameo by Punky Brewster. What more could you want out of a show? Besides, what else were we supposed to watch on Saturday mornings while high on Corn Pops and sugar water (because our mom forgot to buy milk again)? Zach Morris is just mad that SBTB didn't lead him to Showgirls. I'd be mad too. And when asked for a response, Mario Lopez simply replied:

 
Ryan Gosling Took Eva Mendes To His Mom's Graduation Top

Ryan Gosling's mom, Donna, got her teacher's degree from Brock University in St. Catherine's, Ontario yesterday and like the good son he is, he showed up to the graduation ceremony and brought the human dagger in every fangirl's heart: EVIL MENDES! An official from Brock University told TheSpec that they knew about 30 minutes beforehand that Ryan was coming. That gave officials just enough time to pass around frozen panties to the girls and gays so that their genitals wouldn't explode into an orgasm sauce geyser as soon as he strutted in. The official said Ryan refused to take pictures with fans and tried to keep all the focus on his mommy.

"He didn't want his celebrity status to distract from his mom's big day and all of the other grads' big day. He was very gracious and extremely aware of his own ability to create a distraction."

Even though Ryan pulled some "no pictures, no pictures please" shit, one grad managed to get a picture of him and she posted it to her Instagram. I love Ryan's "I see you, but I'm going to pretend not to see you" face as much as I love Eva throwing one of her signature "Keep hating, bitches, because I'll be making the same happy face when your fake boyfriend massages my toes with his tongue later tonight!" smiles. Just like I do every time a new picture of Eva and Ryan comes out, I trolled the Internet to see what the commenters had to say. Of course, there were plenty of people calling Eva a Cesar Romero-faced piece of trash who will hopefully get struck down with an allergy to Canadian peen skin. Oh, I love the rage Eva puts in hos. I kind of hope Ryan and Eva will elope, so that I can sit back with a tub of maple syrup popcorn and watch as his fangirls do The Exorcist head spin in unison.

And Lainey says that Ryan and Eva have been driving around Eastern Canada. Eva brags about how she's fucked in every US State, so I'm guessing she's trying to achieve the same thing in Canada by fucking in every province. Here comes that fangirl rage....

 
The CAPTION THIS VIDEO Contest WINNER For June 6th! Top

Obviously, the chicken came first. - Sweetas

Runners-up:

Octomom's self pleasuring film was a bitter disappointment. - crankenstein

John Doe #2 thought he had conquered his fears and was ready to return to work...until the therapy chicken arched up and opened its gizzards. - turnelbup

Once the money ran out, Crystal Harris knew JUST what to do to get Hugh Hefner back. - Skatesofgold

(Thanks, Stacy)

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Choupette Lagerfeld, Kunty Karl's precious Siamese kitten pet and the only creature on this planet whose soul he won't pour onto a white gold soup spoon and slurp on to recharge the orb of death in his chest. Every super villain queen needs a fluffy white pussy to pet while he plans world demotion and Kunty Karl has his.

Choupette became Kunty Karl's sidekick kitty after his human Baptiste Giabiconi asked him to take care of her for two weeks last Christmas. Usually when Kunty Karl lays his eyes on a pile of fluff, he immediately orders his minions to skin it and turn it into a pair of Chanel nipple warmers, but he didn't do that with Choupette. Karl's dead heart cracked open and it started to beat for the first time since he was turned into a zombie vampire centuries ago. Kunty Karl immediately claimed Choupette as his own and hired two full-time maids to take care of her and document her every move in a diary. Kunty Karl tells WWD (via Fashionista):

"She is a famous beauty. She is nine months old. Baptiste gave her to me for Christmas to watch for two weeks when he was away but then I refused to give her back. I thought she was too cute. She is like a kept woman. She has a strong personality. She has lunch and dinner with me on the table, with her own food. She doesn't touch my food. She doesn't want to eat on the floor. She sleeps under a pillow and she even knows how to use an iPad. She has two personal maids, for both night and day. She is beyond spoiled.

We do keep a diary. When I am not there, the maids take down, in little books, everything she did, from what she ate, to how she behaved, if she was tired, and if she wasn't sleeping. In the nine months, we already have almost 600 pages. Colette had written a lot about cats. I am not Colette, but I think it could be funny to make a little book of Choupette's diary."

That diary must be a thrilling read!

9:25 - We spoon fed Choupette only TWO drops of Diet Coke so she won't get fat, and therefore become unlovable. As per your instructions.

10:15 - We asked the in-house orchestra to play Mozart and we turned our backs to Choupette as she did her business on a bed of raw diamonds. As per your instructions.

10:22 - As one member of your staff cleansed Choupette's non non hole with a cashmere cloth dipped in distilled Diet Coke, we gilded her shit and placed it on the shelf in the altar room devoted to her. As per instructions.

And of course, Kunty Karl gave WWD a picture of his precious working an iPad:

The world was already a strange place and now it's an even stranger place. I mean, Kunty Karl is having actual human feelings for a living, breathing creature? This is not supposed to happen! Nothing good can come out of this. First comes love for a kitteh, then comes Karl declaring he's a vegan, then comes Karl designing a plus-size line for Chanel, then comes Karl adopting the thing he hates most A CHILD (maybe even a fat one) so that Choupette can have a playmate. Then the dark clouds will go away forever and everything will be rainbows, smiley birds and sunshine. I know what's going on here. Choupette is obviously working for Kunty Karl's rival witch Donatella Versace and that pussy's sole mission is to turn him into Snow Fucking White. And she's slowly doing it. Who knew that a fluffy white pussy would be the one to bring down the evil kingdom of Kunty Karl?

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in) 

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Liam Neeson (60)
Michael Cera (24)
Anna Kournikova (31)
Mini Anden (34)
Bill Hader (34)
Cassidy Rae (36)
Bear Grylls (38)
Karl Urban (40)
Dave Navarro (45)
Kym Whitley (51)
Prince (54)
L.A. Reid (56)
Colleen Camp (59)
Jenny Jones (66)
Ken Osmond (69)
Sir Tom Jones (72)

 
Micaela Schäfer Is Bringing Demure Elegance To The Euro Championship Top

I know, every portrait of precious German gem Micaela Schäfer should be framed with the finest hand carved Italian gilded frame. Bitches should have to get their bags to checked by security before they're allowed to look at a picture of Micaela Schäfer. Micaela Schäfer's pictures are that luxurious and that special.

Seen above with PedoBear's German second cousin, FuckanythingBear, the pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer once again made eyelashes singe while posing at an event in Berlin for the Euro Championship 2012. I have no idea what the Euro Championship is, but I'm sure it solely exists so that Micaela Schäfer could show up to one of its events dripping in painted sophistication and sequined perfection. Remember those sequin appliqués you sewed onto your acid wash jean jacket in the 80s? Micaela glued one onto her precious pearl box. Yes, when she ripped it off, she probably took several layers of crotch skin with it, but that's how Micaela does it. She is that dedicated to sharing pure elegance with the world.

How has Germany not declared her their official country flower?

 
Night Crumbs Top

If we didn't know Drew Barrymore was knocked up (since she's never told us, rude!), this picture would look like the photographer caught her and her new husband having an intimate "pushing the gas out" moment - ICYDK

I was expecting Miley Cyrus' engagement ring to be made out of squirrel bones and a mood stone - Lainey Gossip 

Charlie Sheen has a foot fetish, wants to bone Denise Richards again and looks like something you'd find passed out in the last stall in the Port Authority men's bathroom - The Superficial 

Cut to 15 years from now when Channing Tatum's career has dried up and he has to pay his mortgage by twerking his ass cheeks in a Chippendales show: "It's good to be back!" - Towleroad

Tammy Lynn Michaels IS getting money, bitch - Celebitchy

Oh, AnnaLynne McCord is just sucking on a popsicle in a bikini while at the beach by herself and no this isn't a completely staged and set up photo op - Hollywood Tuna

Three seconds after this picture was taken, a bird flew by and Christian Bale bitched it out for ruining his fucking shot - The Berry 

Kate Upton giving us "young Anna Nicole Smith" glamour. Oh yeah, and she's also giving us a whole lot of chiiiiiiiichiiiiis - Popoholic

How many times do you think a ho was like, "Oh, that bag has her name on it!" - IDLYITW

If you close your eyes tight and massage a mound of dough while listening to this video, you'll know how John Travolta's massage therapist feels - OMG Blog

Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his piece of the moment go bike riding in NYC - Popsugar

Madge really needs to stop letting Baby Brahim pick out her clothes - Just Jared

And I'm sure there's a bidet right next to Justin Bieber's potty training toilet - Celebslam

I'm sure Sheree has a dirt patch Kim Zolciak can stay on for a while - Crunk + Disorderly

That is one fancy looking pacifier - SOW

Jennifer Aniston is a plushie - Cityrag

Reading this as "Kim Kardashian puts make up on her no-no" makes more sense - Hollywood Rag

As Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, "Sheryl Crow had a tumaaaaaaaaah" - I'm Not Obsessed

 
QOTD: Liz & Dick's Costume Designer On His First Reaction To Seeing LiLo As Liz Top

Liz & Dick has only been shooting for a few days, but I'm sure you've already overdosed on every tiny little detail and pictures from that shit. Try to take in one more post, because this quote is just too perfect, too hilarious and TOO much. Salvador Pérez, Liz & Dick's costume designer, talked to People about transforming an L.A. County Jail legend into a Hollywood legend. Make sure there's a soft mat on the floor below you, because you will fall out of your chair after reading Salvador's reaction to seeing LiLo as La Liz for the first time:

"There was an audible gasp. You'd swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."

I'm sure that audible gasp sounded a lot like the audible gasp you'd make while watching a runaway train careen toward you in slow motion. It was a "....the fuck did I get myself into?" kind of gasp. But I love Salvador for that. I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes and temporarily blurred my version. And you know, in that blurry moment, that picture of LiLo sort of did look like Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, and Salvador also said that LiLo's waist is 23 inches. Oh, that Salvador. Bitch just wants us to laugh until piss shoots out of our eye holes. And here's a few more pictures from yesterday's shoot. Either the whole thing takes place on a boat or Lifetime got their Hollywood legends mixed up and they're really making a Natalie Wood biopic instead.

 

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