Friday, June 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

What Does It All Mean?!? Top

MSNBC and a bunch of people on Twitter noticed that the members and future member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Wives Club all have something in common and it might give you nightmares of the number threeeeee. This is some creepy numerology shit.

Mimi Rogers, who started all the Sea Org fuckery by introducing Tommy to Scientology, was 31 when she became the first Mrs. Tom Cooze in 1987 and 33 when their marriage choked on a gay bullet and died in 1990. Mimi was 34 when their divorce was finalized.

Nicole Kidman was 23 when she married Tommy in 1990 and 33 when their 10-year contract ended in 2001. Nicole was 34 when her shackles officially came off after their divorce finalized.

Katie Holmes was 28 when she became the third bride of Scientology in 2006 and she's 33 now. If their divorce goes through after December, she'll be 34 when she's officially free.

So every one of Tommy's wives was 33 when they split and 34 when that shit finalized. THE FUCK? Is 33 the age when God finally feels sorry for Tommy's wife and wins her soul back in a rock, paper, scissor match with L. Ron Hubbard on a neutral planet (Neptune, obviously)? Does the mind control spell wear off when she's 33? And each Tommy wife is almost 11 years younger than the last one. If Tommy is shopping for a fourth beard wife already, then that means he's trolling the IMDB pages of all actresses born in 1989 or 1990. Hide yo 22-year-old actresses!

 
Night Crumbs Top

Sharon Stone's nipples want to have a staring contest with you - ICYDK

Every now and again Sharon Stone reminds us all that she has kids - Lainey Gossip

Andrew Garfield is a serious actor and only watched Spider-Man porn to research the real meaning behind "my spidey senses are tingling" - The Superficial

Gay Paree is about to get gayer - Towleroad

Lacey Chabert looking like a shrunken Jennifer Love Hewitt - Hollywood Tuna

This is one of the first times where I'll say that a phallic ice cream cone actually does sort of look like a misshapen pink peen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Yallaw-haired vs. brown-haired - The Berry

Ann Curry should've pulled a Pumkin and blew a goodbye loogie at Matt Lauer on her way out - Celebitchy

No Doubt's single cover looks like neon diarrhea - Just Jared

Minka Kelly's sort of looks like she's got a really boring STD rash all over her legs (is that a secret wink to Derek Jeter?) - Popoholic

Emma Stone's dress looks like a cake - Popsugar

What is the meaning of Jennifer Hudson's bangs? - I'm Not Obsessed

Charlize Theron's dog gives good side-eye - Cityrag

....And so the cone bra-wearing begins - OMG Blog

Prepare your eyes for non-stop rolls, Beyonce and Jay-Z will hold court at the BET Awards - Crunk + Disorderly

The only time Snoop Dogg should be arrested on marijuana-related charges is when he DOESN'T have weed on him - Hollywood Rag

Tommy Girl is a scat queen - Videogum

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For June 29th! Top

via EF

 
Lauryn Hill Pleads Guilty To Not Paying Her Taxes For 3 Damn Years Top

While dressed like Susan from Sesame Street, Lauryn Hill walked into a court room in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to three counts of tax evasion and admitted to a judge that she purposefully didn't pay any taxes in 2005, 2006 or 2007. Bitch is that bold.

The company that Lauryn owns made $818,000 in 2005. Did Lauryn go down to H&R Block to pay taxes on that shit like the rest of us do? Nope. Lauryn made $222,000 in 2006. Did she log onto Turbo Tax to pay that taxes on that shit? Nope. Lauryn also didn't pay taxes on the $761,000 she made in 2007. Lauryn didn't pay any taxes, because she says it was her way of protesting against the man. Three weeks ago, Lauryn took a break from not making a follow-up to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and wrote a rambling explanation on Tumblr for why she told the IRS to eat a fuck for three years in a row. Lauryn's thesis was just a pile of crazy and I swear she co-wrote it with Randy Quaid. Here's a piece of it:

I did not deliberately abandon my fans, nor did I deliberately abandon any responsibilities, but I did however put my safety, health and freedom and the freedom, safety and health of my family first over all other material concerns! I also embraced my right to resist a system intentionally opposing my right to whole and integral survival.
I conveyed all of this when questioned as to why I did not file taxes during this time period. Obviously, the danger I faced was not accepted as reasonable grounds for deferring my tax payments, as authorities, who despite being told all of this, still chose to pursue action against me, as opposed to finding an alternative solution.
My intention has always been to get this situation rectified. When I was working consistently without being affected by the interferences mentioned above, I filed and paid my taxes. This only stopped when it was necessary to withdraw from society, in order to guarantee the safety and well-being of myself and my family.

The Associated Press says that Lauryn will be sentenced in November and she could get up to 3 years in the clink and have to pay up to $75,000 in fines.

Lauryn wasn't hiding underground for those three years. Lauryn is acting like she lived in a tent on Native American land and only ate food shipped in from Mexico, because she didn't want to give the US any of her money. Lauryn was out there performing, making more cash. Isn't there somebody in Lauryn's life who could've reeled in her crazy and told her just to blame the tax issue on her accounting department. That's what I always do. When bill collectors call, I just say, "Oh, those dumb shits in accounting screwed up again. Let me transfer you," and then I hang up. Lauryn should've done that and paid a few fines.

Oh well, I guess if Lauryn goes to the chokey, she can finally write a full album while in there. Yeah, right.

 
Katie Holmes Really Is Running And She's Taking Suri With Her Top

You know, I've been wondering why Suri Cruise hasn't been stomping the streets in her Louboutin Jr. heels. Now we know it's because she needed some sensible flats on her feet for when she needed to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Shit is getting real, because TMZ says that when Katie Holmes filed papers yesterday in NYC to legally cancel her bearding contract with Tommy Girl, she did it behind his back and he never saw it coming. So I'm guessing Suri created a diversion by having a tantrum on the floor in front of the guard guarding the locked door to Katie's windowless cell. As Suri kept the guard busy, Katie pulled away the "I Love L. Ro" poster on her wall and crawled through the hole that she's been digging for the past 5 years with a metal spoon. Then she ran to a getaway car driven by Dawson. That's exactly how it happened.

And now that Katie has de-programmed herself. She's really going hard. Katie wants sole custody of Scientology's golden child. A source tells Radar that Katie wants sole custody of Suri, because she is sick of raising her the Xenu-way and is even more sick of Suri's barley breath:

"Katie and Tom also have very different parenting views. Katie wants Suri to go to school with other children and have a grounded routine whereas Tom doesn't, he wants her schooled in the same manner as Connor and Isabella were. Tom is nowhere near as strict as Katie is and doesn't believe in disciplining Suri, whereas Katie believes that is important. Tom basically treats Suri as a little adult, however Katie treats her like a six-year-old child, and that causes some major clashes over parenting style."

Woe is Tommy. Who's he going to dress up in pink frilly dresses and parade in front of the paparazzi so he looks like a perfectly family man? I guess John Travolta is always available.

 
Open Post: Hosted By Digging In The Deep Top


Adele will be relieved to know that she can take her sweet time having and raising that baby friend, because while she's gone this dog right here can entertain us all. This howler's got it covered.

via The Pet Collective@Buzzfeed (the same geniuses who brought us Corgi Rae Jepsen)

 
The "Over The Moon" Watch: Adele Is Having A BAYBEEEEE! Top

Just when I thought that this Friday would be like every other day this week, slower than Kristen Stewart, the news keeps pouring out. The drought is over (today at least). First we hear that Katie Holmes has finally crawled out of Scientology's asshole and now Adele tells us that she's knocked up. Adele announced on her site today that she's going to have her first baby with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. And today is one of those days where I don't even give a fuck that Adele launched herself over the moon while writing this statement on her iPad. Bitch only gets one OTM warning, though, and this is it!

Im delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we're over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx

Everybody should respect Adele's privacy at this precious time, but only because she's going to yodel out every detail about it in her next album anyway. Adele is going to go from singing about getting burned by a lovah to singing about making babies. I can already see the song titles...Spermin' in the Deep, Chasing Pampers, Set Fire to the Nappies, etc....

Here's Adele and her piece Simon and their first child, a puppy, earlier this year.

 
So I Guess Tommy Girl And Stepford Katie Had One Of Those Short-Term Contracts Top

Katie Holmes and Suri are finally FREE AT LAST! This mess just in from People:

After five years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting a divorce, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

"This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family," says Holmes's attorney Jonathan Wolfe. "Katie's primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter's best interest."

Every Scientologist just dropped the dick out of their mouth. Tommy Girl and Katie haven't been photographed together in what feels like eons, but I really thought they had at least 5 more years of fakery since nothing keeps a marriage going like a contract written in your own blood. NOTHING IS SACRED anymore, not even fake marriages. Brace yourselves, because we're going to be hearing about this for months or until Tommy eventually gets himself another beard wife. Then we'll do this all over again. My money's on Rooney Mara. She's young, and she looks like an alien AND a boy. Get that beard, Tommy!

Here's Katie looking like cold hell on the outside (but probably couch jumping on the inside) while leaving her NYC apartment with Suri the other day.

 
Another Pap Feels The Wrath Of Alec Baldwin Top

Alec Baldwin couldn't let another week go by without shoving the fear into a paparazzo and so outside of this apartment in Manhattan this morning, he proved to all of us once again that he should've played the grizzly in The Edge. TMZ says that the pap Alec went after has apparently been bothering the residents in his building. Since Alec is a protector of his own turf and loves a good reason to rage until the veins on his ass lips pop open, he squeezed the pap's arm while spitting out words of sweet love like "I want you to shut the fuck up" and "I know you got raped by a priest."

No word yet if the pap plans to file a police report, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we find out that Alec squeezed his left arm so hard it that it cuff off his circulation and he had to get that arm amputated. His lawyer Gloria Allred will tell us all about it during a press conference next week. So if you're a pap who needs some quick summer money and don't mind a tidal wave of hot Alec Baldwin saliva on your face: then just shove a camera at him and speed dial Gloria Allred's number as he chokes out your arm. INSTACASH!

Here's the video (via The Superficial) of Alec being Alec:


This is some serious comedy art at its finest. Alec calls the pap a "little girl" while holding a pink unicorn pillow pet. Alec might be an asshole, but he's a genius asshole.

 
How Does Donatella Versace Stay So Young And Fresh? Top

When you think of Donatella Versace it's probably because you're watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame or eating a bowl of charbroiled sausage coins and spaghetti, but that's besides the point. When you think of Donatella Versace, you automatically think of the question, "What is the secret to her looking like Iggy Pop's torso in a white blond weave?" You must share a brain with The Telegraph's Lisa Armstrong, because she thought the same thing. During interviews with The Telegraph and WWD (via Fashionista), Donatella, seen below at Madge's concert in Milan, told them that she stays young from cutting down on cigarettes, sleeping in a chilled meat locker and injecting her beautiful Play-Doh mug with Botox.

On how she keeps her face fresh so the Health Republic of Italy doesn't recall it:
At 57, she looks astonishing. "How do I keep young?" she growls in a dust-bowl of an accent so thick it sometimes requires subtitles. "Haven't you heard? I sleep every night in the deep freezer!"

On how she keeps the Botox needle away from her labia:
And in truth, she can look a bit fearsome. But to know her even a little is to understand that 70 per cent of her armour - the flaxen, waist-length extensions, the fake lashes, the Botox ("only on my face, not on my body, that's the result of hard work") and stormy expressions - is a front she has been cultivating ever since, aged 11, her big brother Gianni goaded her to peroxide her hair.

I see the Death Eaters pin-up ghoul wants to keep all her beauty secrets to herself. I get it. I mean, Botox, exercise and sleeping in a freezer? That's shit only simple mortals do. Most of us know that Donatella keeps herself young by lacing her cigarettes with the fear of skinny children, sleeping in a vacuum sealed coffin and going down to the studio that makes Wallace & Gromit every other week to get her clay face re-molded. But don't worry, Donatella, your beauty secrets are safe with us.

And Donatella also had something to say about feminism:

"Feminism is dead in the world. It comes from another time. I'm a feminist. I want to fight, but I don't see many people with this desire to fight for something. Women don't help each other, especially in fashion. I know Miuccia [Prada]… but that's it. Nobody else."

I think what Donatella meant to say is that feminism is dead, because there's just way too many fat bitches in the world and it's really, really hard for her to look at a fat woman let alone help one!

 

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