Monday, June 25, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

This Is Exactly What Lea Michele's Walk Down The Aisle Is Going To Look Like Top


Running out on your bride when she's standing right in front of you at your wedding is not okay.....unless she's covering your face with a veil of her spit while singing out Xtina's "The Right Man." If you don't want permanent skin creases around your mouth area, hold the bottom part of your face, because your natural instinct will be to cringe through this entire awkward mess of a video. I cringed for everyone involved. I cringed for that crazy bride, who's obviously a theater major, for thinking that Glee is real life. I cringed for that hot lady in the green, because she had to resist the urge to stop that crazy bride's singing by pulling that trick's train real hard. I'm cringing for everyone in the pews for having to control themselves from barfing up huge chunks of laughs. I'm cringing for that dude with the Oakley sunglasses on his head for not knowing that it's never okay to wear Oakley sunglasses on your head indoors (that was more of a cringing side note). And I'm especially cringing for the groom who has to take a face full of his future wife's belting while wishing that he'll suddenly come down with a severe case of explosive diarrhea so he has a reason to run out of there. But your bride making all sorts of constipation faces while singing a song in the aisle IS a good reason to quit that bitch.

What a high school talent show MESS. That groom looks like he wants to fall backwards into a coffin and die, but he's afraid what she'll sing at his memorial.

I wonder which Xtina song she sang after the ceremony when her new husband said he had to get something from the car AND NEVER FUCKING CAME BACK. I'm guessing she went with "Walk Away" or "Beautiful."

And deep down, I really hope this is viral marketing for Oakley.

via CNN (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

 
Night Crumbs Top

Demure flower Spaz de la Huerta and Terry Richardson continue to make "art" that requires a penicillin shot after seeing it - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

A totally knocked up Megan Fox and David Silver bond over the upcoming birth of their silver fox baby in a completely natural and not-at-all staged photo shoot they didn't get paid for - Popsugar

Jessica Biel took her ass to Puerto Rico - Lainey Gossip

If only these jetpacks shot directly into the sun - The Superficial

Sad news, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise has died. Well, at least we still have the Playboy Mansion Tortoise named Hugh Hefner - Towleroad

Victoria Silvstedt does the gold digger happy dance every gold digger does when her sugar daddy transfers funds into her checking account - Hollywood Tuna

What happens when wigs, Katy Perry and Sacha Baron Cohen's costume closet get together - The Berry

Looking like Falcor in Morticia Addams drag - Celebitchy

Since I don't like saying anything nice and I have nothing not-nice to say about Jason Segel and Michelle Williams, I'll just call that fence ugly - Just Jared

Kate Hudson went on a yacht and if she chose to be funny by reenacting scenes from Overboard, I hope she chose the scene where Goldie Hawn falls into the ocean - ICYDK

Oh yeah, girls were also at the Magic Mike premiere. I didn't notice the first time. - Popoholic

Ed Westwick takes the runway and works that Dirty Sanchez on his upper lip - OMG Blog

Susan Lucci is the most glamorous lollipop I've ever seen - SOW

Jenna Jameson officially charged with drunkenly crashing into a pole - Hollywood Rag

Julia Roberts makes the same mad face everyone who paid to see Mirror, Mirror made after seeing that mess - Cityrag

Reese Witherspoon admits that she's knocked up - I'm Not Obsessed

So that's what the dad from Just the Ten of Us has been up to - Videogum

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For June 25th! Top

via Eat Liver

 
Open Post: Hosted By Another Florida Gem Top

It took me a few blinks to realize that's dried blood on crazy's face and it's not from a salad tossing gone terribly, terribly wrong.

This beautiful mug shot portrait that looks like it's straight from the Faces of Bath Salts Hall of Fame was taken after 29-year-old (yes, 29 in human years and not Courtney Stodden years) Kelsey Smith was arrested in Deltona, FL for DUI. Kelsey resisted arrest, banged his face against the roof of the police car and spit blood at the officers before his ass was tamed twice with a taser gun. Proving that you can't keep a drunk crazy down for long even if you electrify his anus lips twice, Kelsey refused to sit still for his glamour shot and had to be held down by gloved officers.

Florida needs to tell us what kind of drugs this tweaked bear was on, because those are the drugs to stay away from. I'm saying that, because I don't want to snort a drug that somehow leads my tongue to looking like one of Khloe Kardashian's wax strips. At least, I think that's fur on his tongue... But then again, I could've been right this first time when I thought this was a salad tossing gone wrong. I don't want to know. I know too much already.

via Gawker & TSG

 
Too Many Clothes Were Worn At Last Night's Magic Mike Premiere Top

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.

I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

 
Parasite Hilton Still Exists And Is Trying To Be A DJ Now Top


In case you needed to know that Wonky McValtrex is as good at DJing as she is at sucking dick, here's that piece of trash pretending to push a bunch of buttons and turn knobs during her debut DJ set at the Sao Paolo Music Festival. Fucking a DJ (or two, or three, or forty) does not make this skank a DJ. Wonks probably thinks DJ Afrojack passed his mixing skills to her through his jizz stream. If that was possible, Wonks wouldn't only be the world's greatest DJ. She'd also be the world's greatest drug dealer, reality show contestant, basic cable actor, singer, porn star, bass player, club doorman, bathroom attendant, Walgreens stock boy, homeless man living under a bridge and (insert the occupation of every man in the L.A. area).

Is there such a thing as dj-synching, because there's no way Wonks made music come out of those speakers by herself. Bitch can't even operate an Etch-A-Sketch. Wonks put on that craft project Lady GaGa outfit and pretended to DJ while one of her crotch crabs was really the one pressing play on the iPod under that table.

 
The Photoshop Awards: Jenny McCarthy's "Elegant" Playboy Cover Top

Here's Miss Tits Against Vaccines herself Jenny McCarthy celebrating her upcoming 40th birthday by posing naked on her sixth cover of Playboy. From those Girls Just Wanna Have Fun gloves to the fact that Playboy dulled every single Photoshop tool while making this cover, this shit is a mess. But a bigger mess is Jenny using the words "class" and "elegant" to describe her "Photoshopped into another face" spread. Jenny barfed up this pile of LOLs to People:

"I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."

The words "Jenny McCarthy" and "elegant" go together like the words "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane." The only way Jenny's spread could be described as "sophisticated" is if they covered her Joker face and body with a pink velvet blanket and laid Shauna Sand on top of her. Also, please tell me while Jenny posed nekkid ass nekkid in an air-conditioned studio, karma twirled in and blew a case of whooping cough right at her.

And I bet the classiest picture in the spread is the one of Jenny McCarthy flashing the message "Jim Carrey Hates Kids (Even More Than I Do!)" shaved into her full pube bush. Yes, Jenny shaved all those words into her bush. She's got a really wide bush.

 
FYI: 11-Year-Old Willow Smith Might've Pierced Her Tongue Top

The miniature Will Smith, Willow Smith, posted this picture to her Instagram (via Daily Mail) and it's got some people siccing CPS on her full-time, Scientology-appointed babysitter or whoever the hell is raising her since it's obviously not Jada and Will. In the state of California, kids under the age of 18 can't get pierced without a parent's permission, which is why most of us tried to pierce our "straight ear" (or the "other gay ear" as I call mine) using our abuelita's sewing needle, a Ziploc bag full of ice and the determination to look like Jordan Knight. The key word being "tried," because I couldn't do it and quickly realized that the easiest way to achieve that look is by taping one of my mom's earrings on my lobe. New Kids glamour without the pain.

Jada Pinkett Smith is forever trying to be "cool mom," so I wouldn't be surprised if she signed off on Willow stabbing her tongue for the sake of ~EDGY FASHUN~, but that looks fake to me. That stud is almost half the size of Willow's head. If that shit is real, then I fully expect to see the Daily Mail headline "Willow Smith Rips Her Tongue Back And Forth," because things won't end well when you put braces and a tongue ring in the same mouth.

You know, now that I think about this shit, that piercing probably is real, but it has nothing to do with fashion. It's just a Scientology tracking ball that doubles as a device that filters out any reasonable and honest statements before they leap off of Willow's tongue. That's all!

 
OctoMom's Got A Man Top


There really is someone out there for everyone even if that everyone is five hundred layers of insane, has 14 screaming kids at home, is freshly bankrupt, has lips like stale gummy worms and wears pigtails out in public. (Nothing is more tragic than a grown ass woman wearing pigtails and not in a "role playing as a slutty schoolgirl" kind of way. Okay, even that is tragic.) TMZ just happened to be at LAX yesterday when the bombshell of the San Gabriel Valley got picked up by her 15th kid: a 23-year-old amateur bodybuilder named Frankie G. Yes, OctoMom's got a man. Somewhere, Jennifer Love Hewitt is vagazzling the words "FUCK MY LIFE" onto her crotch while deep throating a Pillsbury cookie dough roll.

Apparently, Octo met her new piece Frankie G at church and they've been dating for around two months.

I want to be happy for Octo that she's finally letting peen into her dusty octobox after 13 years of swearing off dick, but something about this isn't right. Who in the hell could take Octo's soul-killing maniacal cackle as you tickle her octopussy in her bedroom while outside the door her band of unruly kids burn the house down and tag their gang name onto the walls. This is obviously a stunt and I want to say that the only one in that duo who's getting good dick is Frankie G. But I can't fully say that, because I don't know any self-respecting gay dude, even a straight-for-fame gay dude, who would sit in the same car with a grown bitch wearing pigtails. (Nina Hagen not included)

Here's Octo pursing her mouth pillows at The Chio Morning Show's celebrity pillow fight (I can't with ANY of that) in King of Prussia, PA over the weekend.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 22nd! Top

Honey, was Uncle K Fed anywhere near the birthday cake? - fleawatch

Runners-up:

In yet another gesture of questionable taste, LeAnn Rimes lets her husband know she is ready to get pregnant. - Dog

Due to the lack of red sprinkles, we can be certain this one doesn't belong to Paris Hilton. - tbeez

7 days after watching Octomoms porn film: the last thing you see before you die. - clairey claire

via Gravy Holocaust

 

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