Thursday, June 28, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Paging Dr. Blossom! Your Thoughts On This Are Needed! Top

TLC's Strange Sex is back in two weeks and you know what that means. It's that time of year when we all get mild concussions from banging our heads on the table while trying to break the images in our brains of people doing sucio sex shit. On the first episode of the season, we meet Jeff, a man who is kind of like a vampire, but instead of getting thirsty for virgin blood, he gets thirsty for tit milk. Jeff's fetish for suckling on the nipple knob was born when he watched his wife breastfeed their daughter. Jeff says that chichi leche must be nature's Viagra, because it has cured his erectile dysfunction. As I said in the headline, WWDBS (What would Dr. Blossom say)?

Maybe it's because I'm desenstitized (typo and it stays), but Jeff swallowing his wife's breast milk during sex isn't that bizarre to me. I've heard about it before and it's one way to get some Vitamin D. But the thing that really made me turn inside/out was Jeff looking at his wife breastfeeding their baby the same way I look at someone drinking a delicious beer. Jeff licked his lips with his eyes. WHY?! Parents need to realize that one day their children will grow up and learn how to Google.

I bet that Jeff's biggest disappointment in life is that he can't build a time machine so he can travel back 30 years from now and marry Michelle Duggar before Jim Bob.

via Daily Mail 

 
Open Post: Hosted By John Travolta's Impeccable Hair Mat Top

One way to keep gossiping hos from whispering about what you do on the massage table is to temporarily hypnotize them with the exquisitely manicured velvet rug on your head. That's exactly what John Travolta tried to do at the NYC premiere of Savages last night and it didn't work, but he looked sharp as three fucks while trying.

If you put a luscious brown tail on John's forehead and told him to pucker his lips, his head would almost look like the backside of a brunette vulcan unicorn. Just glorious. You kind of want to dye it green and play golf on it. John didn't stop with the hair either. John brought out his best pose game and out-posed Blake Lively, Ezra Miller, Christopher Meloni and Taylor Kitsch.

I've always said that if a camera is in front of you and you really want to make nipples tingle, just look like you're on step 6 of The Macarena. Give them a "Hands on hips, are you ready for this swish?" pose.

Oh, and Dear Christopher Meloni, let's get naked and burn that hat together. xo

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

These two well-known female Scientologists have secretly hooked up. One is married and the other is divorced. They are not overt lesbians, but some nights – when the booze is flowing and the timing is right – they rush into each other's arms. Who are they? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

This is one blind item that I hope is true, because Kelly Preston deserves to get hers while John Travolta is out there getting his from every massage therapist who doesn't scream for dear life when he unleashes his wrinkly, hungry tunnel of love. We all know muncher extraordinaire Kirstie Alley can eat a sandwich down to its crust while sitting across the room from it, so Kelly is in good hands....lips...tongue flicks..etc...

Can you name the married talk-show icon who is notorious for dr*nk-dialing his female assistants and producers? The pushy personality is all business on TV, but after a few drinks he turns into an overheated sex hound. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Matt Lauer? But if they're using the word icon the way it should be used, I'll guess Willard Scott?

The search for a replacement for the costar of this television show has dragged on for months. The producers have finally narrowed it down to three men. They are all in their 30s and 40s. One is a funny actor, one is a professional performer, and one is just a pro. All three are very comfortable on camera and have good chemistry with the current costar.

The really interesting twist is that there is one other last-minute dark-horse entry: the current costar's ex. He would certainly be ratings-grabber, but we don't know how much longevity he would have on the show, and the producers really want someone for the long haul.

Out of the running: two gay talkers (both are too busy with other projects), two over-50 contenders (too old), and the current costar's current SO. (Blind Gossip)

Show: LIVE! with Kelly
Funny actor: Jerry O'Connell?
Professional performer: Pat Kiernan of NY1?
Pro: Michael Strahan?
Dark-horse: Trace Cyrus?

This actor is just about A list. He does a mix of television and movies and is one of those guys who you just feel is on the way to superstardom, but just can't quite get the perfect role. I guess he would be A- then. He is married. Hooker stories would not be fun if the guy was not married. This would also get rid of Charlie Sheen which would be every person's guess for anything to do with a man and hookers. Oh, Sean Penn would be a guess too. But you know even in the middle of nowhere if you say actor and hooker, someone is going to say Charlie Sheen. This actor I am referring to is married as I said, and she is famous in her own right. In certain ways she might have eclipsed her husband's fame. The husband has been in trouble before with hookers. The thing is he loves them. He says that the first thing he does before going to a new city is to see what their escort situation is and he spends a few hours in front of the computer deciding which ones he is going to have and on what days and in what order. When he gets to the city he makes himself wait and then he invites them over one by one to the point where he has had four or five different women in one night. After being busted several times by his wife, he now has it down to a science and plans his schedule in advance to make sure that when he is with the women, his wife will be busy. She checks up on him constantly when they are apart. The thing is he rarely does anything while at home with anyone because he is too scared of getting caught and feels like when he is away from LA that most people don't know what he looks like. Well, no one said he was incredibly brilliant. After the last time he was caught his wife made him go to outpatient sex therapy. He still goes but the second he is out of town his fingers are dialing. He has not had sex with his wife in months and he said they once went a whole year without sex. This is his excuse for being with the hookers. (CDAN)

Josh Duhamel or Ben Affleck?

 
Chris Evans Is A Puppy Appreciator Top

Captain America Chris Evans, seen here making a chihuahua empanada with his mom Lisa Evans, told Women's Health all the things a lady needs in order to get down into his chonies on a regular basis. So if Captain America fills your panties with red, white and blue crotch pudding, go through his check list to see if you could be the next Mrs. Evans. (SPOILER ALERT: If you're a brown-headed ho from Boston who's got a string of floss between her teeth, a tear on her cheek from staring at a baby and a puppy in her arms, please step to the front of the line)

1. Finish this sentence: Women don't understand how much men want to. . .
Watch football on Sundays. And I know a lot of women who don't understand that the whole day is going to be dedicated to football. That's all we ask!

2. What might be a surprise to learn about you?
I'm a pretty decent tap dancer. I enjoy all types of dancing, actually. I get a couple of drinks in me and I stand up—it just happens.

3. What qualities make a woman marriage material?
I really like women who get emotional about babies and puppies. I've met some incredibly cool women who are tough, but the woman you marry should have a really soft side.

4. The ultimate turnoff is. . .
Arrogance and fake modesty. Nothing is worse than a beautiful girl fishing for compliments by saying how gross she is. On the flip side, I find genuine humility and modesty attractive.

5. Should girls play hard to get?
Oh God, I hate that! Nope, nope, nope. I just don't like games in general.

Fast Talk

Blonde, brunette, or redhead?
Brunette. No question about it.

The sexiest women always remember to. . .
Floss.

I'd rather _____ than ______.
Be in Boston than Los Angeles.

Relationship must-have?
The love of dogs.

Two things I learned from this post are that the Captain America sequel needs a big tap dancing number and that Chris Evans gets to touch face cheeks with THIS:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Side-eye, tongue out, YES!

 
Why You'll Never See The Duggars At The Beach Top

While some of us make it through the hot as hell days of summer by only wearing a battery powered fan necklace, an ice pack thong and some sensible flip-flop heels to really class the look up, the Duggars will gladly overheat in pleated khakis and cotton turtlenecks, thankyouverymuch. In a column for TLC's Parentables blog (via Babble & ONTD), Michelle Duggar explains for those who don't watch her show why you'll never see the sinful sight of her bare thighs at the beach. The Duggars never wears shorts and never go to the beach, because if the boys see a bare lady knee, they'll hump a bastard child into it. Bare lady knees are the true dark-sided enemy of the lord, obviously.

Here's a few pieces from Michelle's blog on keeping it modest for Jesus:

We were searching through scripture, and we found where God talks about a covering -- what His idea of that would be. And in our heart before the Lord, we really came to a conclusion for our family about wearing modest clothes.

This isn't for everyone, and we don't push this on anybody. And we don't judge anyone that doesn't have this perspective, but for us, we felt like we needed to be covered from our neck to below our knees mainly because God talks about the thigh being uncovered, and how that's nakedness and shame.

Michelle really is speaking the truth. I remember reading in The Bible somewhere that when God created Adam and Eve, he put a pastel button shirt and khakis on Adam and a pastel polo-shirt and long denim skirt on Eve. That's why God put a Land's End outlet in the Garden of Eden. Now, I won't tell you what Adam did in the Land's End dressing room with the store's manager Steve. That's a story for another Bible study class.

And so in our dress -- whether we're doing activities that require us to climb, ride a horse, bike, swim, whatever -- we just want to keep the thighs and torso covered; we don't want to play peekaboo so that there's a visual element that might defraud someone.

For us the definition of the word defrauding is to stir up desires in someone else that cannot be righteously fulfilled. Now, granted there are a few people out there who could be stirred up by a cardboard box all the way from head to toe, but regardless we want to maintain modest dress.

Growing up I would wear a bathing suit or shorts and not realize that it was revealing. When I got older I really felt convicted about my responsibility for how I was causing others to be defrauded. And I began to cover up because I felt responsible for my part in that.

Again, the truth: Michelle is speaking it. Whenever I'm out in public and see a man's torso playing a game of peekaboo with me under his tank top, I automatically think he wants to fuck me. Then when I find out the truth, I have to sue him for fraud and call his no-no-teasing torso to the stand. It just gets messy.

I realize that you can't keep somebody from having wrong thoughts, but I do think you have control at least on how you present yourself. So as the older girls and guys grew up they became sensitive to their clothing choices. The girls would say, "Do you think this is too low-cut or should I put a pin here? Or what do you think about this? Is this too short?"

We really do know that this isn't for everyone; this is just our personal conviction before our Lord. And this is what our family does. There are some families that are much more modest than we are, while others families may feel like modest dress just isn't a conviction for them.

If I got a modest swimsuit every time Michelle used the line "We don't judge anyone, but..." I'd have a new sexy pool outfit for every day of the year.

This is also so easy for Michelle Duggar to type. Michelle doesn't have to expose her shameful, sin-luring knees to stay cool in the summer. When Michelle feels a sweat coming on, she just has to cool herself down by fanning herself with that wave of beauty on her forehead. Yes, those bangs are both glamorous and functional.

 
Johnny Depp Wrecked Amber Heard's Happy Lesbian Home, Maybe Top

For the past couple of months, there's been rumors that Johnny Depp has been Edward Scissoring Amber Heard ever since VaJohnny broke up and there's been more rumors that the two started getting horny for each other while shooting The Rum Diary two years ago. I didn't really pay too much attention to those rumors, because why would hot piece Amber Heard ride on current day Johnny Depp when she can ride on her hot piece of a girlfriend instead? But now a source tells InTouch Weekly (via DM) that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree stopped bumping coochies a few months ago and they're still friends.

The source tells InTouch that Amber and Tasya broke up around the same time she started rubbing nipples with Johnny. Who knows if it was a clean break up or if Amber and Johnny pulled an "Eddie & LeAnn" by leaving their pieces for each other. I don't know, but I do know that Amber has a serious hat fetish. Hat-fucker!

And no, no, Johnny's dick doesn't have magical lezzie-rebuking powers. Amber has been open about loving herself some poon AND poon. Although, Johnny's been looking like a middle-aged gypsy lesbian from New Mexico for a while, so maybe Amber thinks he's a woman who always wears a really fancy, lifelike strap-on.

But more importantly, what is Amber and Johnny's couple name. This is obviously the only thing any of us care about? What about BerJohnny? Or Hearpp? Yeah, let's go with Hearpp. Hearpp has a certain special ring to it.

 
Ann Curry Says Goodbye To Today, Calls Matt Lauer "Glib" Top


Ann Curry announced on Today this morning the news we've all known for weeks: NBC did her dirty by pushing her out as co-host after just a year on the job. As Ann announced that today is her last day as co-host, she choked on Matt Lauer's smugness and cried, because she had to be a professional and resist the tempting urge to strangle him in front of the cameras. Ann said that she's staying at the network and will travel the world covering serious news stories for NBC News and Today. Ann said that she loves the viewers, will miss the viewers, especially loves the crew and hopes that Matt drowns in a pool of his own shit. Okay, Ann didn't say that last part, but I'm pretty sure I saw that line sitting at the tip of her tongue, waiting to fly.

Ann ended her BYE BITCHES speech by saying, "For all of you, who saw me as a groundbreaker, I'm sorry I couldn't carry the ball over the finish line, but I did try." Then Matt, Al Roker and Natalie Morales took turns telling their favorite Ann stories from the past 14 years. It felt like I was watching a memorial service with bright lightning. Ann isn't DEAD! I don't even know why Ann cried unless she was crying warm tears of happiness. Ann is getting millions of dollars in her exit settlement, doesn't have to look at Matt's baby ostrich head anymore and no longer has to go to bed when Jeopardy! comes on TV. Ann is the real winner here.

The most awkward part was when Ann hugged Al, hugged Natalie and didn't even try to hug Matt. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you don't hug a bitch you hate, because you're afraid that your arms will take over and squeeze that trick until their internal organs pour of their mouth. Then you'll do a dance on that bitch's insides. Ann probably felt that would be a little much for morning television.

Ann also gave an interview to USA Today last night where she said that she knew she was going to get fired and is sad to go, because the Today co-host job has been her dream job. Ann also said that the leaks about her firing have "hurt her deeply" and she doesn't blame herself for why Today's ratings are dropping. When asked about Matt, Ann said this:

"Obviously he's considered the golden boy of morning television. He's so good when you sit next to him; it's hard not to be helped by that. He's funny and glib, and he knows how the show works. It's been my honor in this last year to sit next to him."

GLIB!!! That tickling sensation Matt feels in his ears is from Tommy Girl loudly cackling in the distance. And with that subtle shade, Ann wins again. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, assholes, goodbye!

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 27th! Top

Dr. Oz says "Shits that look like snakes are healthy", but that one is a little to fucking healthy. - Terri Belle

Runners-up:

"I have HAD IT with these motherfuckin' snakes in the motherfuckin' bowls !! Somebody open some windows." - WTFOMGLOL

Jessica Simpson crosses that line again when she tweets a picture of her case of the hot snakes. - atlantapug

Satan knew where to find Kim to take her home. Unfortunately Ray J wasn't there to lure her. - Fleass

via Break.com

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

The Step of DOOM at the 36th Street subway station in Brooklyn. Filmmaker Dean Peterson noticed that one of the set of stairs at a subway stop he uses a lot suddenly turned everyone into a goddamn tripping klutz, so he examined that mess. Dean found that when those stairs were made ten million centuries ago, they made one of the steps slightly higher than the others. Prank bitches knew what they were doing. Dean then made a supercut of trips, because that's just what you do discover a bitchy step.

The lesson to be learned here is that we need to step higher or that cunty step will continue to win. "Goddamn" is right.

via Tastefully Offensive

UPDATE: The trip party is over and the step has lost. The MTA is fixing right now. So there goes your plan to fuck with your enemies by telling them to meet you at the top of the 36th Street station's steps. (Thanks for the update, Karen)

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Chayanne (44)
Lacey Schwimmer (24)
Kellie Pickler (26)
Tamara Ecclestone (28)
Karim Abdul-Jabbar (38)
Rob Dyrdek (38)
Alessandro Nivola (40)
Aileen Quinn (41)
Steve Burton (42)
Mike White (42)
Tichina Arnold (43)
Gil Bellows (45)
John Cusack (46)
Mary Stuart Masterson (46)
Jessica Hecht (47)
Kathy Bates (64)
Bruce Davison (66)
Mel Brooks (86)

 

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