Friday, September 28, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Night Crumbs Top

They tell me these are supposed to be pictures of Duchess Kate's royal jewel box, but shit is so blurry that it could be Superman doing standing crunches for all I know - (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather

How did New York Fashion Week go on without Blake NotSoLively sitting in the front row?! This question might never find its answer. - Lainey Gossip

Olivia Wilde's make-up is so white, because she wanted to match her face to her dress - Popoholic

When I move back to L.A., am I only allowed to wear ugly boots and denim coochie cutters like Sophia Bush and every other trick there, because that's basically what I wear now - Hollywood Tuna 

I've seen the double portal to crazy and it's in Victoria Jackson's eyes - Towleroad

Nobody likes a cunty baby, which is why Gerber doesn't really make vegan baby food - Celebitchy

Joanna Krupa isn't getting any - The Superficial 

Celebs and their not-so-famous siblings or in many cases, not-so-famous-hos and their really-not-so-famous siblings - The Berry 

A skinnier Soleil Moon Frye or Jennifer Garner? - ICYDK

Spoken like a modern day Aristotle - Cityrag

I didn't know Malin Akerman was married to the dude from Crazy Town - Just Jared

I didn't know Ryan Lochte and Zuma Nesta Rossdale were homeboys - Popsugar

A Downtown Abbey prequel might happen - OMG Blog 

"Bitch, that ain't shit" said millions of Jews who just finished their Yom Kippur fast - Hollywood Rag

RiRi looks more like she's ready for bed - I'm Not Obsessed

And I'm sure 50 Cent jacked his stack of pennies while he wrote every single one of these tweets - Crunk + Disorderly

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 28th! Top

via Pleated Jeans

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

This foreign born B- list mostly television actor has been rising the fame charts the past few months. In a big way. Everyone thinks he is gorgeous and was thrilled that he had found a girlfriend. He didn't though and has had to back way off from being seen with her because his boyfriend was ticked. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is Liv Tyler and Benedict Cumberbatch? But that doesn't really work, because if I went up to a human with semi-working eyeballs, showed them a picture of Benedict Cumsinbatches and asked them if they think he's gorgeous, they'd fist me in the nose for accusing them of being into amphibians. I don't think his lizard tongue gets the tingles for peen anyway. He's just old British money. They all look like they lost their butt cherry to the stable boy.

Everyone is so excited that these two lovebirds are back together! Sorry, but that kind of naivete is going to come back and bite you on the butt. Why? Because their reunion is both fake and temporary.

We told you before that they their original coupling took place in a publicist's office. They became good friends, but nothing more. If they look like they are in love, it is only because they are actors. If they can convince you on screen, they can convince you off screen.

They are now reuniting as a "couple" to promote their new film. The success of that film with enable both of them to command top dollar for subsequent films, after which they will be parting once again. Their breakup is scheduled to occur in 2013 after the DVD release. (Blind Gossip)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, obviously, but this blind item lost me at "can convince you on screen." The only thing they convinced me of is that a wet piece of toilet paper and a used-up bowl brush have more chemistry than they do.

This former reality star and now pretty much just a D list wannabe is telling friends she will never get pregnant again. Having a bay is way too inconvenient even with a nanny and it did not bring her as much money as she thought it would and she is worried she will not get enough child support to support herself when she splits with the baby daddy. (CDAN)

Shayne Lamas or Kristin Calamari?

What NBA all-star was confronted by a former A list tweener who offered her special services to the NBA star. He told her that he could have anyone he wanted and never has to pay. She replied that he has never had anyone do what she will do for him and let him do to her. Apparently the line worked because they were spotted leaving together about two minutes later. Guess he broke up with his girlfriend. Maybe. (CDAN)

Shaq and Lisa Welchel?

 
Open Post: Hosted By Amy Poehler, Tina Fey And Lindsay Lohan Doing The Kevin G Rap Top

In case you forgot what Lindsay Lohan looked like before collagen, bad decisions and coke ate the youth from her face, here she is in a video from 2004 dancing in the background with Tina Fey while Amy Poehler does the Kevin G rap from Mean Girls. It's weird seeing LiLo so fresh in the face and laughing at something other than having the coke farts. Weird!

You kind of just want to jump through the screen and say, "Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler, you don't know me, but I am from the future and here are some documents you'll need to legally adopt Lindsay Lohan because homegirl is headed for some fuckery. If you don't want to do it, I'll just give the documents to that hotel painting over there, because literally any thing can do a better job than White Oprah. I'll explain the White Oprah thing to you later."

via ONTD

 
So I'm Moving Back To Los Angeles... Top


In about two weeks, I'll say goodbye to cursing at hos under my breath for walking so damn slow in front of me and I'll say hello to cursing at a ho in the car in front of me for actually stopping at a stop sign instead of doing the slow roll like normal drivers do. Since Amanda Bynes has moved to NYC, the streets of Los Angeles are a little bit safer (not really), so it's a good time for me to pick up my dog, bong and rubber dongs and move back for now. I'm mostly doing it because I've been here over 10 years and need a change, but I'm mostly doing it because I can't resist the lure of a weed card, In-N-Out and possibly witnessing Angelyne make copies of her headshot at Kinko's. So get out your gas masks, L.A., because here I come.

When I told one of my friends about this, he's like, "Ewwww, aren't you afraid you're going to lose your NYC edginess?!" First of all, why do I have a friend that says shit like "NYC edginess"? Second of all, whatever "NYC edginess" I have I got from watching HGTV all night while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole, so that's not going to change. Because when I'm in my 1-bedroom Studio City apartment (or whatever), I plan on spending my nights watching HGTV while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole.

But you know, maybe he's right about this whole "moving to California" thing not being a good idea. I mean, when I'm driving down the street am I going to come in contact with shiny happy people who sing love songs for their husband while riding a bike?! That would ruin my life and is possibly a deal breaker.

One California bride spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot of energy on declaring her love for her new husband in a YouTube video that Gawker says she pimped out to the Huffington Post. Here's the description of this vom-inducing declaration of love from YouTube:

"This surprise wedding music video was created for my husband Todd Evan Krieger in Venice Beach, California and unveiled for him at our wedding reception in Santa Fe, New Mexico."

We should all be so lucky as to find something we love as much as this, but DAMN! Shit like this makes me want to fuck a million husbands and ruin a million marriages. This is why home wreckers do what they do. Love is a helluva drug, especially because it makes you sing out shit like "macchiatos in the hood."

If I ever love something so much that it makes me sing shit like this on a YouTube video, please kidnap me, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive me to the airport and put me on the next flight going far, far away. Separate me and that thing I love by more than one ocean. It's for my own good.

 
Why Did Robert Pattinson Forgive Kristen Stewart For Cheating On His Ass? Top

Short answer: Kristen Stewart's pussy has always been a Ruprick Sanders-free zone.

Most of us were sitting here thinking that RPattz is back with KStew, because the head bitches at Summit Entertainment told him to get back with her for the last Twatlight publicity tour or they'd make sure the only job he'd ever be able to get is head host at a Twilight-themed family restaurant in Forks, Washington. But the truth according to Radar (which is sort of like saying the truth according to your gossiping auntie) is that KStew told RPattz that the only thing Rupert Sanders stuck in her was his tongue and that her down low vampire trap forever belongs to Edward Cullen. Some source who is totally not Kristen Stewart's publicist put it like this to Radar:

"Kristen and Rupert both told their respective partners that they didn't actually have sex. Kristen was absolutely steadfast that she only engaged in several make-out sessions with Rupert but never slept with him. Rob didn't believe her in the beginning but as time wore on he accepted her explanation. Kristen has given Rob passwords to her voicemail and e-mail account to prove she has nothing to hide and will do anything to get his trust back."

Now I'm totally convinced this was nothing but a choreographed stunt. Who in the hell sneaks around just to make out with a dude? Like I'd really go on some covert operation just to suck on a tongue? Making out with a human is almost like licking on strips of raw bacon, so if I wanted to get into that I'd just pull a pack of Oscar Mayer out of the fridge. This dumb fuck didn't even get some peen. If I was RPattz, I'd dump her dim ass for betraying me for some stupid tongue. If you're going to fuck me over at least fuck me over by getting fucked over if you know what I mean.

But don't listen to me. Because when one of my past boyfriends told me he cheated on my ass, my only questions were, "Okay, but how big was the peen and do you have pictures?"

Here's KStew going to a restaurant in Paris called La Fidelite ("Faithful" in English). She makes it so easy.

 
Who Does This Trick Think She Is? Lil Miss Magic Hair? Top

The video for the THINK OF THE CHILDREN version of Xtina's new single "Fuck Your Body" might look familiar to you, because I'm sure you dreamed it up while lying face first in a bowl of technicolor milk after you passed out in a sugar-induced coma from filling your stomach bag with Fruit Loops, Pop Rocks, colored popcorn and Skittles as Monster played on an analog TV in the background.

Wearing outfits she straight stole from Peg and Kelly Bundy's closets, Xtina plays a candy-coated trailer slut who picks up Adam Levine-alikes and loves their bodies so much that she murders the blue paint and glitter out of them (they're obviously a Smurf and a fairy disguised as human men). Bitch is not only murdering dudes, several pairs of Spanx and her face pores, but she's also murdering my childhood in this video. How many My Little Pony's were harmed in the making of her hair? Not only that, but her hair goes through so many pastel colors that she immediately reminded me of a whore-ified Lil' Miss Magic Hair:

Xtina should be singing "all I wanna do is steal your looooook," because that's exactly what she did to Lil' Miss Magic.

 
Johnny Lewis' Dad Is A Serious Scientologist Top

"PUPPIES! JUST GIVE ME PUPPIES!!!" was the #1 search term on YouTube yesterday, because hos needed to cleanse their brains after reading the story about how actor type Johnny Lewis (Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy) viciously murdered his 81-year-old landlady, beat two men with a 2x4 and brutally dismembered a cat before falling to his death. If this crazy and fucked up story had opening credits, the opening credits would end with the words "And Special Guest Star XENU!"

TMZ says that Johnny's father, Michael Lewis, is a bridge queen of Scientology and he reached the church's highest level by winning 2 out of 3 dance-offs against John Travolta and by beating the video game Destroy All Humans! 2 without using cheats. Johnny, seen above with his ex-piece Katy Perry in 2006, was addicted to the bad shit in a bad way and so his father put him in Scientology's drug abuse program Narconon. Johnny managed to temporarily kick his craving for DRUGS!!!, because Scientology threatened to make him watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober if he even thought about touching an 8-ball. The Narconon program was so proud of Johnny that they used him as one of their success stories until 48 hours ago when he committed murder while probably high on the wrong shit.

Scientology scrubbed Johnny's pictures from all of their websites and a rep said that he hasn't been involved with the church for years.

I'm actually clutching my anal beads out of shock that Scientology acknowledged that Johnny Lewis once existed in their alien fart bubble of a world. I would've thought they'd be like, "Who? What? Huh?  Don't be glib!" Right now, Queen David Miscavige is down in the Star Trek bunker underneath the Scientology Centre telling John Travolta the only way to get people to forget that Narconon is a part of this story is to release the Kraken. And yes by "release the Kraken" he means that Johnny's Scientolohole has to terrorize another massage therapist who will eventually sell his story to The National Enquirer. John Travolta will always take one for the team if it means his itchy, itchy anus gets to make an appearance.

 
LeAnn Rimes Is Back Out In The Wild Top

For the past month, the paparazzi have been wandering the beaches aimlessly, wondering what to do with themselves and every now and again they'd come across a dead seahorse lying on the sand and they'd break down thinking about all the beautiful staged bikini moments they had with LeAnn Rimes. Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because LeAnn is out of that spa/therapy clinic/whatever center and is back out on the ho stroll full time, so it won't be long before she starts texting them with the exact GPS coordinates of where to find her posing in a two piece. You can now close your eyes at night, because LeAnn has been reunited with her two true loves: the paps and bikinis!

Late last month, LeAnn checked into an inpatient, part-time therapy center to deal with stresses that were tearing her falcor nerves apart. There were rumors that LeAnn was dealing with an eating disorder, but most of the rumors claimed that she was stressed out from getting into a Twitter feud with two of her biggest haters. LeAnn called up those two haters and they recorded the conversation and then splattered it all over the internet. LeAnn is now suing their asses for invasion of privacy. The courts have forwarded the case to the vice principal of a junior high school, because he's used to handling stupid mean girl shit like that. And here we are now...

LeAnn tweeted the picture above of her channeling her inner "Catwoman" and then she went to premiere of the Batman Live show in L.A. with Eddie Cibrian and his two kids. I'm not one to give LeAnn compliments, because the last time I pet a horse, the other jealous horses threw me side-eyes and tried to kick me, but she's looking refreshed. All those therapy sessions (chemical peels), group meetings (massages) and time alone (facials) really did her some good. LeAnn is so refreshed that she doesn't even mind that Eddie's stache smells like random coochie fumes.

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th! Top

Not to be outdone by Tina Fey, Tina Ray shows that she is also a master of the photo bomb. - herroyalflyness

Runners-up:

Awkward moment when you realize the stingray you were talking smack about was behind you the ENTIRE time. - j0ker918

You girls let Joe Francis in the water with you and you're surprised your vaginas detached themselves and sped away like minnows swimming upstream? Well, what the fuck else did you expect to happen?! - cs182

On her 40th birthday, GOOPY kicked off her midlife crisis by forcing her friends to "become one with the Raymond" - Dawn Davenport

via Izismile

 

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