The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Why Did Robert Pattinson Forgive Kristen Stewart For Cheating On His Ass?
- Who Does This Trick Think She Is? Lil Miss Magic Hair?
- Johnny Lewis' Dad Is A Serious Scientologist
- LeAnn Rimes Is Back Out In The Wild
- The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th!
- Hot Slut Of The Day!
- Birthday Sluts
- So I Guess That Wasn't A Staph Infection After All
- Afternoon Crumbs
- Grant Bowler Must Really Hate Elizabeth Taylor
| Why Did Robert Pattinson Forgive Kristen Stewart For Cheating On His Ass? | Top |
Short answer: Kristen Stewart's pussy has always been a Ruprick Sanders-free zone. Most of us were sitting here thinking that RPattz is back with KStew, because the head bitches at Summit Entertainment told him to get back with her for the last Twatlight publicity tour or they'd make sure the only job he'd ever be able to get is head host at a Twilight-themed family restaurant in Forks, Washington. But the truth according to Radar (which is sort of like saying the truth according to your gossiping auntie) is that KStew told RPattz that the only thing Rupert Sanders stuck in her was his tongue and that her down low vampire trap forever belongs to Edward Cullen. Some source who is totally not Kristen Stewart's publicist put it like this to Radar:
Now I'm totally convinced this was nothing but a choreographed stunt. Who in the hell sneaks around just to make out with a dude? Like I'd really go on some covert operation just to suck on a tongue? Making out with a human is almost like licking on strips of raw bacon, so if I wanted to get into that I'd just pull a pack of Oscar Mayer out of the fridge. This dumb fuck didn't even get some peen. If I was RPattz, I'd dump her dim ass for betraying me for some stupid tongue. If you're going to fuck me over at least fuck me over by getting fucked over if you know what I mean. But don't listen to me. Because when one of my past boyfriends told me he cheated on my ass, my only questions were, "Okay, but how big was the peen and do you have pictures?" Here's KStew going to a restaurant in Paris called La Fidelite ("Faithful" in English). She makes it so easy. | |
| Who Does This Trick Think She Is? Lil Miss Magic Hair? | Top |
| The video for the THINK OF THE CHILDREN version of Xtina's new single "Fuck Your Body" might look familiar to you, because I'm sure you dreamed it up while lying face first in a bowl of technicolor milk after you passed out in a sugar-induced coma from filling your stomach bag with Fruit Loops, Pop Rocks, colored popcorn and Skittles as Monster played on an analog TV in the background. Wearing outfits she straight stole from Peg and Kelly Bundy's closets, Xtina plays a candy-coated trailer slut who picks up Adam Levine-alikes and loves their bodies so much that she murders the blue paint and glitter out of them (they're obviously a Smurf and a fairy disguised as human men). Bitch is not only murdering dudes, several pairs of Spanx and her face pores, but she's also murdering my childhood in this video. How many My Little Pony's were harmed in the making of her hair? Not only that, but her hair goes through so many pastel colors that she immediately reminded me of a whore-ified Lil' Miss Magic Hair: Xtina should be singing "all I wanna do is steal your looooook," because that's exactly what she did to Lil' Miss Magic. | |
| Johnny Lewis' Dad Is A Serious Scientologist | Top |
"PUPPIES! JUST GIVE ME PUPPIES!!!" was the #1 search term on YouTube yesterday, because hos needed to cleanse their brains after reading the story about how actor type Johnny Lewis (Half-Sack from Sons of Anarchy) viciously murdered his 81-year-old landlady, beat two men with a 2x4 and brutally dismembered a cat before falling to his death. If this crazy and fucked up story had opening credits, the opening credits would end with the words "And Special Guest Star XENU!" TMZ says that Johnny's father, Michael Lewis, is a bridge queen of Scientology and he reached the church's highest level by winning 2 out of 3 dance-offs against John Travolta and by beating the video game Destroy All Humans! 2 without using cheats. Johnny, seen above with his ex-piece Katy Perry in 2006, was addicted to the bad shit in a bad way and so his father put him in Scientology's drug abuse program Narconon. Johnny managed to temporarily kick his craving for DRUGS!!!, because Scientology threatened to make him watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober if he even thought about touching an 8-ball. The Narconon program was so proud of Johnny that they used him as one of their success stories until 48 hours ago when he committed murder while probably high on the wrong shit. Scientology scrubbed Johnny's pictures from all of their websites and a rep said that he hasn't been involved with the church for years. I'm actually clutching my anal beads out of shock that Scientology acknowledged that Johnny Lewis once existed in their alien fart bubble of a world. I would've thought they'd be like, "Who? What? Huh? Don't be glib!" Right now, Queen David Miscavige is down in the Star Trek bunker underneath the Scientology Centre telling John Travolta the only way to get people to forget that Narconon is a part of this story is to release the Kraken. And yes by "release the Kraken" he means that Johnny's Scientolohole has to terrorize another massage therapist who will eventually sell his story to The National Enquirer. John Travolta will always take one for the team if it means his itchy, itchy anus gets to make an appearance. | |
| LeAnn Rimes Is Back Out In The Wild | Top |
For the past month, the paparazzi have been wandering the beaches aimlessly, wondering what to do with themselves and every now and again they'd come across a dead seahorse lying on the sand and they'd break down thinking about all the beautiful staged bikini moments they had with LeAnn Rimes. Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because LeAnn is out of that spa/therapy clinic/whatever center and is back out on the ho stroll full time, so it won't be long before she starts texting them with the exact GPS coordinates of where to find her posing in a two piece. You can now close your eyes at night, because LeAnn has been reunited with her two true loves: the paps and bikinis! Late last month, LeAnn checked into an inpatient, part-time therapy center to deal with stresses that were tearing her falcor nerves apart. There were rumors that LeAnn was dealing with an eating disorder, but most of the rumors claimed that she was stressed out from getting into a Twitter feud with two of her biggest haters. LeAnn called up those two haters and they recorded the conversation and then splattered it all over the internet. LeAnn is now suing their asses for invasion of privacy. The courts have forwarded the case to the vice principal of a junior high school, because he's used to handling stupid mean girl shit like that. And here we are now... LeAnn tweeted the picture above of her channeling her inner "Catwoman" and then she went to premiere of the Batman Live show in L.A. with Eddie Cibrian and his two kids. I'm not one to give LeAnn compliments, because the last time I pet a horse, the other jealous horses threw me side-eyes and tried to kick me, but she's looking refreshed. All those therapy sessions (chemical peels), group meetings (massages) and time alone (facials) really did her some good. LeAnn is so refreshed that she doesn't even mind that Eddie's stache smells like random coochie fumes. | |
| The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For September 27th! | Top |
Not to be outdone by Tina Fey, Tina Ray shows that she is also a master of the photo bomb. - herroyalflyness Runners-up: You girls let Joe Francis in the water with you and you're surprised your vaginas detached themselves and sped away like minnows swimming upstream? Well, what the fuck else did you expect to happen?! - cs182 On her 40th birthday, GOOPY kicked off her midlife crisis by forcing her friends to "become one with the Raymond" - Dawn Davenport via Izismile | |
| Hot Slut Of The Day! | Top |
When you go on Guys with iPhones, you know you're going to get a whole lot of man nipples, several servings of ass and sometimes fully visible peen. What you don't think you're going to get is a non-stop fashion show extravaganza from a retail twink slut who is turning the site into his own personal lookbook. Dlisted reader Brian directed my attention to a Hot Slut with iPhone who uploads a new picture of him in a different ensemble almost every single day and it's making some of the dudes roll their eyes and scream for him to show a peek of a peen or take his ass to the local Barbizon where shit like this is embraced. Dude obviously works in a clothing store, because he usually poses in a dressing room area in outfits that'll make both Ellen DeGeneres and Justin Bieber rip each other's hair out to get their hands on. The hate he is getting for this is hilarious and I love all of it. Because nothing makes an outfit some shade. Work it, queen. And I didn't even know skinny chinos came in that many colors. | |
| Birthday Sluts | Top |
Dita Von Teese (40) | |
| So I Guess That Wasn't A Staph Infection After All | Top |
A couple of days ago I posted the soul-murdering, vomit-inducing, diarrhea-bringing image of Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis leaving a hotel in L.A. with an open crusty sore on his foot that looked like the portal to hell. Since I'm on WebMD a lot, I diagnosed it as being a staph infection, but that's probably not what it is at all. Gummi Bear's foot sore looks like an exploding sun dried tomato pizza bagel, because he keeps injecting heroin into it. You should know that you don't have to go any further. You can turn around and go and look at a ginger kitten canoodling with chicks instead. That's an option, you know. Radar has a lovely video from Tuesday night on their site of Gummi Bear bandaging his foot up after allegedly shooting heroin into a vein. There's blood all over the floor, because the vein couldn't take it anymore and quit life by popping. A source says that Gummi Bear, who was on the fourth season of Celebrity Rehab, is living in a sober house, but that doesn't stop him from chasing after the tip of a dragon's tail whenever he can. The emergency room has become a second home to Gummi Bear, because the diabetes he suffers from mixed with his heroin use regularly puts him in front of a doctor. One of Gummi Bear's friends said this about what happened after he shot heroin into his foot on Tuesday night:
So there you go, Gummi Bear's foot doesn't look like a prolapsed rectum because he has a staph infection. It looks that way, because he's shooting the liquid bad shit directly into it. I know, when it was a staph infection it made me go: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Now that I know it's a heroin sore, I'm still going: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and stretch my leg, and find a way to bring my foot up to my mouth so I can kiss it and tell it that I'll never treat it like that. If I ever want to inject heroin, I'll just inject it into my taint. It's not like I need a taint anyway. | |
| Afternoon Crumbs | Top |
Scenes from the new movie Mad Max: Beyond Thunderthighs - The Berry If you were in Poland yesterday and just so happened to stick your peen in a glory hole, you could've been licked by Casper Smart himself - Lainey Gossip Australian realtor Kieren Gray knows that man nipples are the secret ingredients to selling a house - Towleroad Please, open up and take your vitamin E (for elegance) by looking at these pictures of England's finest rose - Hollywood Tuna Did one of the Toddlers & Tiaras mom style this Cameron Diaz photo shoot? - Drunken Stepfather What I'm getting from this is that Kristen Stewart hates armpit sex. PRUDE! - Celebitchy White Oprah giving parenting advice to Amanda Bynes' parents is like John Travolta giving Tommy Girl advice on sex with a vagina - The Superficial Ali Landry is not really on land and she's totally not dry. I'll see myself out. - Popoholic But doesn't Kristen Stewart ALWAYS look like a pile of dirty clothes that magically came to life? - ICYDK It's all awwwws and warm tingles until one of them bites the other one's nose off - Cityrag Kristie Alley is looking exquisitely gorgeous and I'm only saying that because she looks like La Bruja mashed together with Mickey Rourke - Celebslam Justin Timberlake is too good to show full crack - OMG Blog January Jones went to Whole Foods and you probably just went to the emergency room after almost dying from over-excitement from reading the first part of this sentence - Popsugar HAND ME MY SHANK! - Just Jared Joanna Krupa somehow found a way to make herself look even more tacky - Moe Jackson Jennifer Garner used the phrase "wonder sperm" - Hollywood Rag Men hate wedges, so says Mindy Kaling - I'm Not Obsessed (Pic via PCN) | |
| Grant Bowler Must Really Hate Elizabeth Taylor | Top |
| "She's pretty much Elizabeth Taylor reincarnated" is the line that came out of Grant Bowler's mouth in this behind-the-scenes shit for Lifetime's Liz & Dick and I can't believe those words came out of his talk hole without his family and loved ones showing up in the frame to calmly take his hand and walk him to rehab since he's obviously beyond high on the wrong stuff. After Grant spit up that butt corn of delusion, I totally expected to see a giant net fall over his body and for him to scream as two men in white coats dragged him to a waiting van, because he's talking CRAZY! Does his ass even know what "reincarnated" means? Maybe he thinks it means that Lindsay Lohan has taken Elizabeth Taylor's image, butchered it until it's barely recognizable and then sold it in pieces at a carniceria in the valley, because if that's what he mean then he's making sense. How can Grant say that mess of words when he's sitting there staring at Lindsay Lohan looking more like Elizabloat Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor. Whatever it is LiLo gave you to snort, Grant, stop it before more loads of crazy spew out of your mouth and before your nose looks like this:
It wasn't NOT funny! (pic of Mr. Busted Coke Nose via DM) | |
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