Saturday, September 29, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Lord Kalidor And Red Sonja Did It For Real Top

Brigitte Nielsen wrote in her memoirs last year that she hopped on Arnold Schwarzenegger's schnitzel a few times while shooting Red Sonja in 1984, but he kept his tramp lips shut about it until now. Arnold's got his own book coming out next week and since books don't just jump to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list by themselves, he's finally spilling it about the time he bumped bare pecs with Gitte.

According to Time, the former Governor of Mildred Baena's Chocha admits that while he was living with Maria Shriver,  he had a fuck party with Gitte. Arnold writes that getting with Gitte helped him realize that he wanted to marry Maria. Time put it like this:

Schwarzenegger and Nielsen co-starred in the 1985 film "Red Sonja." Nielsen wrote in a memoir published last year that she and Schwarzenegger had an "outrageous affair" while making the movie and that she didn't know until later that he was involved with Shriver.

Schwarzenegger writes that he knew the fling with Nielsen wouldn't last and in fact it only made him realize that he wanted to marry Shriver.

Maria Shriver probably didn't even waste energy on rolling her eyes at this, because Arnold has dicked everything and anything. Arnold has the Flat Stanley of dicks. It's been everywhere. And Gitte should take it as a compliment that when Arnold was humping on her, he looked deep up into her flaring nostrils and only saw the image of him ruining Maria's life by marrying her. Bitch dodged a bullet, because if she married Arnold, it'd end with her rolling around in the grass of a Studio City park while drunk on Popov vodka (that's Russian for "given up on life"). Oh, wait...

And here's some pictures from a couple of weeks ago of Arnold hanging out with a hot friend while looking like a blind ostrich who's pumped up on the wrong kind of hormones.

 
Messy In More Ways Than One Top

You too would take the express route to Drunkville if you looked down and saw the cut-off tails of a family of My Little Ponies draped over your chichis. Dishwashers at Spago in Beverly Hills had to stay 2 hours past their shift last night, scrubbing red oil stains off the edges of wine glasses, which could only mean one thing: Drunktina was there!

Looking like she just hung her head over a toilet right after Jem! took a pink and purple-colored piss in it, Drunktina stumbled out of Spago last night with the help of two human crunches. You know, Drunktin's leased piece, whatever his name is, has it good. Dude gets to live in a mansion, use Xtina's AMEX whenever he wants and the only thing he has to do is safely escort her drunk ass to a waiting SUV and dunk her face in a bowl full of paint remover before bedtime so she doesn't ruin another pair of $3,000 sheets. Bitch does not have it bad.

And let's all just close our eyes until this whole "poop stars thinking they're on Rainbow Brite" trend finally ends.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

Depending on how fashion forward you were, you might've had a bubble bottle necklace in either the 80s or the 90s. If you don't know what the bubble bottle necklace is, its name is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll tell you in detail what it was in case your brain checks out when you clock your time card out on Friday nights. The bubble bottle necklace is a bottle of bubbles that has a string attached to it which makes it a necklace. Glad, I could clear that up.

So, when I was a kid, this shit was coveted by everyone. I got one at the swap meet for 99 cents and treated it like it was the finest piece of jewelry I owned, which it was. It was so special that if I was friends with Lindsay Lohan and she came over to hang out, she would've snatched it up. Eventually, I would've known she took since she'd start queefing bubbles.

I blew my bubble bottle necklace so much that it felt weird every time I exhaled and gay ass bubbles didn't come flying out of my mouth. I was the original gay fish. One of my favorite things to do was to blow bubbles and then use my hand fan to blow them around. Yes, I had a bubble bottle necklace AND a hand fan and I used them together. I looked like a Chinese madam at an underground whore house in San Francisco circa 1978.

They still make bubble bottle necklaces today, and while researching this high important story I came across a bubble bottle necklace that I may or may not have ordered a dozen of.

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Ian McShane (70)
Zachary Levi (32)
Nathan West (34)
Natasha Gregson Wagner (42)
Nicolas Winding Refn (42)
Erika Eleniak (43)
Luke Goss (44)
Jill Whelan (46)
Les Claypool (49)
Roger Bart (50)
Stephanie Miller (51)
Tom Sizemore (51)
Andrew Dice Clay (55)
Ken Weatherwax (57)
Bryant Gumbel (64)
Jerry Lee Lewis (77)
Robert Benton (80)
Anita Ekberg (81)

 
Night Crumbs Top

They tell me these are supposed to be pictures of Duchess Kate's royal jewel box, but shit is so blurry that it could be Superman doing standing crunches for all I know - (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather

How did New York Fashion Week go on without Blake NotSoLively sitting in the front row?! This question might never find its answer. - Lainey Gossip

Olivia Wilde's make-up is so white, because she wanted to match her face to her dress - Popoholic

When I move back to L.A., am I only allowed to wear ugly boots and denim coochie cutters like Sophia Bush and every other trick there, because that's basically what I wear now - Hollywood Tuna 

I've seen the double portal to crazy and it's in Victoria Jackson's eyes - Towleroad

Nobody likes a cunty baby, which is why Gerber doesn't really make vegan baby food - Celebitchy

Joanna Krupa isn't getting any - The Superficial 

Celebs and their not-so-famous siblings or in many cases, not-so-famous-hos and their really-not-so-famous siblings - The Berry 

A skinnier Soleil Moon Frye or Jennifer Garner? - ICYDK

Spoken like a modern day Aristotle - Cityrag

I didn't know Malin Akerman was married to the dude from Crazy Town - Just Jared

I didn't know Ryan Lochte and Zuma Nesta Rossdale were homeboys - Popsugar

A Downtown Abbey prequel might happen - OMG Blog 

"Bitch, that ain't shit" said millions of Jews who just finished their Yom Kippur fast - Hollywood Rag

RiRi looks more like she's ready for bed - I'm Not Obsessed

And I'm sure 50 Cent jacked his stack of pennies while he wrote every single one of these tweets - Crunk + Disorderly

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For September 28th! Top

via Pleated Jeans

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

This foreign born B- list mostly television actor has been rising the fame charts the past few months. In a big way. Everyone thinks he is gorgeous and was thrilled that he had found a girlfriend. He didn't though and has had to back way off from being seen with her because his boyfriend was ticked. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is Liv Tyler and Benedict Cumberbatch? But that doesn't really work, because if I went up to a human with semi-working eyeballs, showed them a picture of Benedict Cumsinbatches and asked them if they think he's gorgeous, they'd fist me in the nose for accusing them of being into amphibians. I don't think his lizard tongue gets the tingles for peen anyway. He's just old British money. They all look like they lost their butt cherry to the stable boy.

Everyone is so excited that these two lovebirds are back together! Sorry, but that kind of naivete is going to come back and bite you on the butt. Why? Because their reunion is both fake and temporary.

We told you before that they their original coupling took place in a publicist's office. They became good friends, but nothing more. If they look like they are in love, it is only because they are actors. If they can convince you on screen, they can convince you off screen.

They are now reuniting as a "couple" to promote their new film. The success of that film with enable both of them to command top dollar for subsequent films, after which they will be parting once again. Their breakup is scheduled to occur in 2013 after the DVD release. (Blind Gossip)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, obviously, but this blind item lost me at "can convince you on screen." The only thing they convinced me of is that a wet piece of toilet paper and a used-up bowl brush have more chemistry than they do.

This former reality star and now pretty much just a D list wannabe is telling friends she will never get pregnant again. Having a bay is way too inconvenient even with a nanny and it did not bring her as much money as she thought it would and she is worried she will not get enough child support to support herself when she splits with the baby daddy. (CDAN)

Shayne Lamas or Kristin Calamari?

What NBA all-star was confronted by a former A list tweener who offered her special services to the NBA star. He told her that he could have anyone he wanted and never has to pay. She replied that he has never had anyone do what she will do for him and let him do to her. Apparently the line worked because they were spotted leaving together about two minutes later. Guess he broke up with his girlfriend. Maybe. (CDAN)

Shaq and Lisa Welchel?

 
Open Post: Hosted By Amy Poehler, Tina Fey And Lindsay Lohan Doing The Kevin G Rap Top

In case you forgot what Lindsay Lohan looked like before collagen, bad decisions and coke ate the youth from her face, here she is in a video from 2004 dancing in the background with Tina Fey while Amy Poehler does the Kevin G rap from Mean Girls. It's weird seeing LiLo so fresh in the face and laughing at something other than having the coke farts. Weird!

You kind of just want to jump through the screen and say, "Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler, you don't know me, but I am from the future and here are some documents you'll need to legally adopt Lindsay Lohan because homegirl is headed for some fuckery. If you don't want to do it, I'll just give the documents to that hotel painting over there, because literally any thing can do a better job than White Oprah. I'll explain the White Oprah thing to you later."

via ONTD

 
So I'm Moving Back To Los Angeles... Top


In about two weeks, I'll say goodbye to cursing at hos under my breath for walking so damn slow in front of me and I'll say hello to cursing at a ho in the car in front of me for actually stopping at a stop sign instead of doing the slow roll like normal drivers do. Since Amanda Bynes has moved to NYC, the streets of Los Angeles are a little bit safer (not really), so it's a good time for me to pick up my dog, bong and rubber dongs and move back for now. I'm mostly doing it because I've been here over 10 years and need a change, but I'm mostly doing it because I can't resist the lure of a weed card, In-N-Out and possibly witnessing Angelyne make copies of her headshot at Kinko's. So get out your gas masks, L.A., because here I come.

When I told one of my friends about this, he's like, "Ewwww, aren't you afraid you're going to lose your NYC edginess?!" First of all, why do I have a friend that says shit like "NYC edginess"? Second of all, whatever "NYC edginess" I have I got from watching HGTV all night while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole, so that's not going to change. Because when I'm in my 1-bedroom Studio City apartment (or whatever), I plan on spending my nights watching HGTV while pouring potato chip crumbs from the bottom of a Lay's bag into my eating hole.

But you know, maybe he's right about this whole "moving to California" thing not being a good idea. I mean, when I'm driving down the street am I going to come in contact with shiny happy people who sing love songs for their husband while riding a bike?! That would ruin my life and is possibly a deal breaker.

One California bride spent a whole lot of time and a whole lot of energy on declaring her love for her new husband in a YouTube video that Gawker says she pimped out to the Huffington Post. Here's the description of this vom-inducing declaration of love from YouTube:

"This surprise wedding music video was created for my husband Todd Evan Krieger in Venice Beach, California and unveiled for him at our wedding reception in Santa Fe, New Mexico."

We should all be so lucky as to find something we love as much as this, but DAMN! Shit like this makes me want to fuck a million husbands and ruin a million marriages. This is why home wreckers do what they do. Love is a helluva drug, especially because it makes you sing out shit like "macchiatos in the hood."

If I ever love something so much that it makes me sing shit like this on a YouTube video, please kidnap me, throw me in the trunk of your car, drive me to the airport and put me on the next flight going far, far away. Separate me and that thing I love by more than one ocean. It's for my own good.

 
Why Did Robert Pattinson Forgive Kristen Stewart For Cheating On His Ass? Top

Short answer: Kristen Stewart's pussy has always been a Ruprick Sanders-free zone.

Most of us were sitting here thinking that RPattz is back with KStew, because the head bitches at Summit Entertainment told him to get back with her for the last Twatlight publicity tour or they'd make sure the only job he'd ever be able to get is head host at a Twilight-themed family restaurant in Forks, Washington. But the truth according to Radar (which is sort of like saying the truth according to your gossiping auntie) is that KStew told RPattz that the only thing Rupert Sanders stuck in her was his tongue and that her down low vampire trap forever belongs to Edward Cullen. Some source who is totally not Kristen Stewart's publicist put it like this to Radar:

"Kristen and Rupert both told their respective partners that they didn't actually have sex. Kristen was absolutely steadfast that she only engaged in several make-out sessions with Rupert but never slept with him. Rob didn't believe her in the beginning but as time wore on he accepted her explanation. Kristen has given Rob passwords to her voicemail and e-mail account to prove she has nothing to hide and will do anything to get his trust back."

Now I'm totally convinced this was nothing but a choreographed stunt. Who in the hell sneaks around just to make out with a dude? Like I'd really go on some covert operation just to suck on a tongue? Making out with a human is almost like licking on strips of raw bacon, so if I wanted to get into that I'd just pull a pack of Oscar Mayer out of the fridge. This dumb fuck didn't even get some peen. If I was RPattz, I'd dump her dim ass for betraying me for some stupid tongue. If you're going to fuck me over at least fuck me over by getting fucked over if you know what I mean.

But don't listen to me. Because when one of my past boyfriends told me he cheated on my ass, my only questions were, "Okay, but how big was the peen and do you have pictures?"

Here's KStew going to a restaurant in Paris called La Fidelite ("Faithful" in English). She makes it so easy.

 

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