Saturday, December 1, 2012

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

Hugh Hefner Is Going To Marry His Runaway Bride Top

You know it's real love when your groom looks like a drunk trout making out with bait on a hook (or an old Popeye smoking an imaginary pipe) when he kisses you.

Sad excuse for a gold digger, 26-year-old Crystal Harris, was supposed to marry 324-year-old Hugh Hefner two summers ago, but she dumped him just days before the wedding. For the next year, Crystal spent her days gargling on the douche dick of Dr. Phil's son and when she wasn't doing that, she was talking shit about how Hef grossed her out. But because nothing will make a gold digger realize she's made a huge mistake like an eviction notice on her condo door or the repo man taking her Mercedes, Crystal ran back into Hef's wrinkly arms this past May. And now, the wedding is back on.

A source tells TMZ that in the time Crystal spent apart from Hef, she really grew (read: her bank account shrunk) and she now feels that she's her own person (read: she learned that it sucks paying your own bills) and can stand on her own two feet by herself (read: she learned that standing on your own two feet is overrated and she'd rather just lie on her back). Crystal and Hef are closer than ever and he plans to make her his third wife on New Year's Eve at the Playboy Mansion.

Hef is definitely going to make Crystal squeeze out of a drop of her blood on a prenup contract carved into a slab of stone (Hef is old-fashioned like that), so she'll be lucky to walk away from this marriage with the handful of wooden coins (aka his first paycheck) he keeps in a shadow box. Hopefully, Crystal's money grubbing skills have gotten better. What I mean by that is hopefully Crystal got her pharmacy degree from Education Connection and is selling Hef Viagra at a five hundred percent markup. You gotta get that money somehow.

 
Who Showed Up To The Opening Of A Drugstore Last Night? Top

Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new "upscale" Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is "upscale," because when you're buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don't think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. ("Bitch, don't act like you haven't put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi." - you "You bring up a valid point." - me)

It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she's at the grand opening of one. She's come a long way. Fergie's face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it's straight out of Faces of Botox.

And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus.

 
Detective White Oprah Sees You, Michael Lohan Top

Everyone knows Lindsay Lohan was set up, even Lindsay Lohan knows this and she's got coke mush for brains. LiLo's mom White Oprah thinks she's solved the mystery of who is the mastermind behind the set up. You can laugh all you want, but White Oprah IS a skilled-mystery solver. Every time she plays a drunken game of Clue by herself, she wins. She also once gave a lazy hand job to a bartender who acts in Murder Mystery Dinner Theater productions on the weekends. White Oprah knows her mystery-solving stuff.

A detective usually doesn't reveal her suspicions until she's solved the crime, but Radar offered White Oprah a half-bottle of gin, so she couldn't resist. The new Detective La Toya had this to say about the fortune teller who is accusing her precious child of assault and battery:

"I am increasingly disturbed to be told Ms. Allred's new client lives in Palm Beach just minutes from my ex-husband's home. What else is there to learn about the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate incident?"

Keep raising that monocle, White Oprah! It's extremely suspicious that two people have lived in the same city as each other. They're obviously in CAHOOTS! White Oprah will say she told us so when a picture comes out of Tiffany Mitchell getting a black belt from Michael Lohan's Karate School of Pussy Punting.

Michael Lohan, of course, responded to White Oprah's subtle accusation:

"Dina's comments are delusional and just go to show the lengths she'll go to divide me from my children and pollute their minds. The public can see right through her. It's a really sad situation when a mother doesn't join hands with a father to help their daughter instead of
making up stories about him."

White Oprah can't hold hands with Michael Lohan, because one hand's got a magnifying glass in it and the other hand's holding a plastic cup full of her trusty sidekick, Dr. Charles Tanqueray.

And as Lindsay Lohan shits out potatoes from sucking down so much vodka, her parents are fighting in the media. White Oprah & Michael Lohan: teaching us how to be good parents since 1986.

 
Lindsay Lohan Was Set Up, So Says Lindsay Lohan Top

When are the police going to stop unjustly arresting Lindsay Lohan and start investigating the ongoing crack hunt campaign to take her down? That 8-ball in her pocket? That's not her 8-ball, because that's not her pocket. Those aren't even her pants! She's never seen those pants in her life and doesn't know how they got on her body. That stolen necklace dangling out of her snatch? That's not even her snatch. It's the black kid's snatch! That baby in a stroller she almost ran over? That baby hurled itself and its stroller in front of her car! LiLo doesn't commit crimes, crimes are committed against her. Everyone is out to get her. I bet even the police are in on it. Shit, the police are probably reading this. You should take your laptop into the bathroom and turn on the shower while you read this, so the police won't be able to see it.

Of course, Lindsay Lohan didn't punch that Florida psychic on Thursday morning. Tiffany Mitchell isn't the victim here, LiLo is. According to TMZ, LiLo is telling her friends that Miss Cleo's apprentice offered LiLo a free reading at the club and after she turned the psychic down, the psychic's friends started crowding around her fancy purse, which was sitting on a nearby table. LiLo thinks they were trying to snatch her Celine purse and you can't thieve from a thief, so she got in Tiffany's face. LiLo says she did call her a "gypsy," but she didn't know that's a racial slur. LiLo never put her fist on Tiffany's face and thinks she was set up.

Page Six has a different story. Their source says that LiLo thought Tiffany and Tiffany's friends stole Ali Lohan's purse, which had $10,000 cash in it. So LiLo confronted them about it. The source went on to say some shit:

"Lindsay was saying, 'I was trying to find out who stole Ali's purse! I gave her the money for my family, to pay for my brother's school fees!' Lindsay says she never hit the girl. She just went over to find if they had her sister's purse. They were looking around the area, but the girl was sitting at the table, and some pushing started. Lindsay says the purse was never found. She's desperate to find where the money is."

Oh yes, $10,000... That's funny, because that's the exact amount crack whores accuse the police of taking from their change cup when they're arrested outside of a 7-Eleven.

And as we all laugh at this mess, I'm sure that a gang of little black kids wearing Lindsay Lohan masks are counting ten thousand dollars in their super villain lair. The TAKE THAT CRACKIE DOWN mission is going according to plan. I bet Latarian Milton is their leader.

 
Hot Slut Of The Day! Top

HitClips, the iPod of the late 90s.

Sometime in the late 90s, McDonald's introduced a plastic musical wonder to the world called HitClips. Just like most of the crap McDonald's sells, HitClips were pretty cheap, total shit quality and kind of addictive. (Side note: But not AS addicted as that annoying ass Monopoly game. I still find those dumb Monopoly pieces everywhere. I find them in the ashtray in people's cars, under sofa seats and I'm pretty sure I have farted one out at least twice. They are worse than roaches.)

HitClips were tiny plastic cartridges and to play them you shoved them in a tiny plastic player. The sound quality was damn awful, but I didn't care, because I was too busy being wowed by the magic of music coming out of a tiny plastic boom box. Seriously, a warped cassette tape playing on a boom box with low batteries sounded better than HitClips. HitClips didn't even play the whole song either. They only played a minute of it or so. Just when you were getting into it, it would stop playing. It was like getting blue balls of the ears. But then again, most of my HitClips were Brit Brit songs, so maybe they were doing me a favor?

Anyway, HitClips! Gone but not (totally) forgotten!

 
Birthday Sluts Top

Charlene Tilton (54)
Chanel Iman (22)
Zoe Kravitz (24)
Janelle Monáe (27)
Jared Fogle (35)
Laura Ling (36)
Emily Mortimer (41)
Golden Brooks (42)
Sarah Silverman (42)
Nestor Carbonell (45)
Jeremy Northam (51)
Carol Alt (52)
Jane Turner (52)
Candace Bushnell (54)
Treat Williams (61)
Obba Babatundé (61)
Bette Midler (67)
John Densmore (68)
Woody Allen (77)

 
Florida Won't Let Christian Slater Be Great Top

It took Christian Slater 4 hours of waiting to vote on Election Day, but he voted in Miami. Christian gave himself a pat on the taint for being a responsible American and all that. But then a few weeks later, The Miami-Dade County canvassing board let a bitch know that masturbating with a banana peel for 4 hours would've been a better use of his time than standing in the voting line for 4 hours, because his vote didn't count. Christian's signature didn't match the signature they have on file, so they put an X over his votes. Yes, they did Christian Slater like that.

Christian tweeted a picture of the letter today. And here's the tweets about his Voting Day Drama on November 6th:

Every vote count...except for Christian Slater's. I know, I know, this is BREAKING NEWS and yet another nugget for our overflowing "Florida" file. But I brought it up, because I really feel that from now on we should refer to Christian Slater as "Christina D. Slater." It has a much better ring to it. Saying "Christina D. Slater" makes me lift my shoulders while winking.

Source: Buzzfeed via HuffPo

 
Night Crumbs Top

Jessica Simpson's daughter has already mastered the "step off " glare and it's going to come in handy for when she's a big sister - Popsugar

Katie Holmes is wearing the fanciest bib I've ever seen - Lainey Gossip

Thanks to the crazy pro-Romney and anti-gay marriage letter she wrote, Jane Pitt is finally getting an Angie-less Christmas this year - Celebitchy

How did Katie Price not immediately burst into flames from the side-eye and pout the bronzed unicorn on the right is throwing? - Hollywood Tuna 

Is a Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone sex scene a straight dude and lesbian's wet dream or wet nightmare come to life? - The Superficial 

The only thing I got from the trailer for the second season of Girls is that during my ravers days I had that same yellow tank top Lena Dunham is wearing. I hate how the Internet makes you admit shit you wished you forgot about - Towleroad

Oh, how I wish this was Evan Longoria in lingerie instead - Drunken Stepfather

TWIST! Today's episode of "Hilary Duff Walks To Her Car" won't be seen so that we can bring you a very special episode of "Hilary Duff Walks AWAY From Her Car" - Popoholic

Jessica Biel is probably going to be a serial killer when she grows up - IDLYITW

Is #19 wearing panties made of pubes? I still would - The Berry 

And somewhere in her prenup, I'm sure Miley Cyrus will state that she's willing to give up full custody of Billy Ray Cyrus - ICYDK

To think, only a few years ago this headline would've read: Sienna Miller - I Would Wreck A Marriage Every Day! - Just Jared 

Um, I've been sending Christmas card farts for years - OMG Blog 

Even the side-eyes come in bulk at Costco - Crunk + Disorderly

Are we sure this isn't Jenelle from Teen Mom? - Hollywood Rag

Something to hold you over until the Honey Boo Boo Christmas Special - Cityrag

Even Isla Fisher is embarrassed by Sacha Baron Cohen - I'm Not Obsessed

Cut to 9 months later when Wonky McValtrex gives birth to a lazy-eyed troll wearing a diamond grill - Celebslam

The legendary butter dance gets the Adele treatment - Videogum

 
The CAPTION THIS Contest For November 30th! Top

via Picture Is Unrelated

 
Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess Top

This actor is B- list or even C+ list but almost everyone knows who he is because of who he has dated. He has tried to date women but it just is not satisfying for him or the women. He generally finds one woman he can be great friends with and makes it last and last. There are no short term things. When you talk to him there is a lot of bitterness about his past and people he feels took advantage of him and his sexual preferences. He says his relationship with this A list all movie actor was instant and "torrid." Whenever they could find a moment they were all over each other. He says the A lister told him it was the first time he seriously considered coming out and that he was falling in love with our C lister.

For months they were inseparable. The A lister then introduced the C lister to another A lister all movie who also was struggling with his own sexual preferences but was equally attracted to men and women but took an instant liking to our C lister and started having sex with him on a regular basis, but only when the A lister was out of LA and could be more private. Both of the A listers were using the C lister on a regular basis and the first A lister continued to profess his love for the C lister and said that he was going to help the C lister with his career and to just stick with him. As part of the help though, he needed the C lister to stay in the background and soon they would be together.

So, the C lister did not work as much as he could have and for several years did not have any work because his job was to keep his A lister happy. Then one day, the A lister said that there were too many rumors about the pair and the A lister was leaving and that the C lister was never to call him again and gave him a check for $100K. Our C lister had been cruising to B list or A list status and now had no prospects and had given up because of promises made. It took him a year before he could get work again and now he never misses the opportunity to talk about how they used him. (CDAN)

Today seems like as good of a day as any for the short comeback of the "Austin Nicholas and Jakey Gyllenhaal are licking each other's asses" rumor, so that's my guess. Austin Nicholas for the C-lister? Jake Gyllenhaal for the first A-lister? And I have no clue who the second A-lister could be. Who has Taylor Swift "dated" recently?

This Real Housewife has had sex with so many guys that she is one degree of separation away from every other version of the show except New Jersey,. She slept with a guy who has slept with a woman on Beverly Hills. She has slept with a guy who has slept with a woman in New York. She has slept with a guy who has slept with a woman in Orange County and has done the same in Atlanta and Miami. Only New Jersey has somehow managed to escape her attempt to be the sexual Kevin Bacon of Real Housewives. (CDAN)

La Bruja from The Real Housewives of Miami, obviously. No man can resist her black magic goodness. Or it could be Brandi from RHoBH or Joanna "Super Whore" Krupa (copyright: Adriana) from RHoMiami.

This female B list host of an A list very hit reality show has found her new conquest. A very married A list politician. (CDAN)

Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef and Chris Christie?

What A+ list all movie actress is finally getting a chance to explore with women which is something she has always wanted to do. While on the set she met someone who changed her life and the pair have continued to explore, although not as much as they did while filming. The actress is not going to leave her significant other for the woman, although he has said that he feels threatened by this new version of the actress. He does say she is nicer than she has ever been before. (CDAN)

Please tell me it's Halle Berry!

Which celebrity left his girlfriend shocked when she found he had attached sex toys to their toilet? (The People via Blind Gossip)

Instead of using my brain to guess the answer for this blind item, I'm going to use it to sketch the prototype for a dildo toilet seat.

This famous actor has always come across as a good guy, a good husband, and a good father. It's hard to imagine him as anything but a good guy. Well, we have a little story that may dispel that notion.

When he was married to this famous actress, he was not exactly faithful. When he traveled on business, he liked to pick up random women.

He would go to a local bar, check out the women, and select one for the evening. His woman of choice usually looked like Brigitte Nielsen in her prime: six feet tall, with short, blonde hair. Basically, someone who looked exactly the opposite of his wife.

When he took the girl back to his hotel room, he never wanted to have regular intercourse. It was all backdoor action for him. No, the fact that he was married with children at the time didn't seem to be a factor at all in his decision to have unprotected sex with a random stranger.

Both he and his ex-wife have moved on, but we do wonder if she knew about his constant cheating. We also wonder if he cheats on his current wife. Why? Because she doesn't look like Brigitte Nielsen either! (Blind Gossip)

Bruce Willis? And now everyone on the set of The Expendables 2 knows why Dolph Lundgren's trailer rocked hard every time Bruce Willis came by for some afternoon tea.

 

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