Friday, February 27, 2009

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Great Reuse For Wine Bottle Corks: Stylish Trivet Top
Bakus is the latest creation by Ciclus Designs and its founder, Tati Guimarães. The design comes from a straightforward idea: stop corks from going in the garbage when the wine bottle is empty. She tells us: I always asked myself what to do with the corks that were left after dinners with friends. The original concept was to make an object that interacted with the user and promoted the idea of reuse. Giving a new life to these little pieces made us realize that it wasn't just about a tablemat but an opportunity to allow people to remember special times with friends. More on Green Living
 
BofA CEO Lewis Refused To Divulge Bonus Names, Subpoenaed By Cuomo Top
NEW YORK — The New York attorney general's office has subpoenaed Bank of America Corp. seeking the names of Merrill Lynch executives who received $3.6 billion in year-end bonuses, after Chief Executive Ken Lewis failed to provide those details during a lengthy deposition Thursday evening. Lewis, who traveled to New York on the company's corporate jet, said that he "answered the questions that were asked to the best of my knowledge." Lewis' deposition was part of an ongoing investigation by New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo into the timing of Merrill Lynch's bonuses and whether proper disclosure was made to shareholders about the size of the bonuses. They were granted just before Bank of America's acquisition of Merrill closed, and as that bank was seeking additional government aid on top of $25 billion it had already received. Lewis' use of the company aircraft seemed surprising since it comes at a time when bailed-out banks have faced heavy scrutiny over executives' use of such perks. "Because of the timing of this meeting, we felt it was necessary to use corporate aircraft," said company spokesman Timothy Gilles. Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is "disappointed and frustrated" that Lewis has not cooperated in providing the information, said special assistant Ben Lawsky following the meeting, but he stopped short of saying the discussions had been contentious. Bank of America spokesman Robert Stickler said the bank for the past two weeks has offered to provide the attorney general's office with employees' names if Cuomo would guarantee their confidentiality, but he has declined to do so. "We believe our employees are entitled to confidentiality in terms of their compensation," Stickler said. He also said publicizing individuals' compensation puts the bank at a competitive disadvantage, because other firms could then try to lure employees away with better offers. "I'm tired. It's been a long day," said a stoic Lewis standing outside the attorney general's office in lower Manhattan late Thursday after four hours of testimony. Just days earlier, former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain testified for the second time in less than a week about the bonuses. Bank of America's chief administrative officer, J. Steele Alphin, was also subpoenaed to testify. Thain, who left his position as head of the wealth management unit of the newly combined company last month, was recalled to Cuomo's office after he refused last week to provide details about individual bonuses. A court order issued Monday forced Thain to return and supply those details. "We think it's vital to know who got them," Lawsky said of the bonuses. North Carolina's Attorney General Roy Cooper also has made a request for documents from Bank of America about the bonuses. The state's Department of Justice earlier this month issued an "investigative demand" seeking records, including a list of Merrill employees who received bonuses. Bank of America is required to respond by March 4, according to the 11-page demand. Cuomo has been investigating $3.6 billion in bonuses Merrill Lynch executives received less than a month before the company completed its sale to Charlotte, N.C.-based Bank of America, and whether investors were properly informed about Merrill's finances. The payments came as New York-based Merrill was on the brink of reporting a more than $15 billion fourth-quarter loss and more than $27 billion in losses for the full year. Bank of America has repeatedly said Merrill Lynch was an independent company last year, and its board of directors had ultimate approval over how much to pay employees. Lawsky declined to comment on whether Lewis had the authority to stop the bonuses from being issued. But the bonuses apparently were a point of contention for Bank of America. The initial reports of the bonuses came just days after Bank of America received an additional $20 billion from the government that it said it needed to help offset the losses it was absorbing from the Merrill acquisition. The additional support was provided to Bank of America as Lewis showed trepidation about completing the deal to acquire Merrill. Only hours after news broke about the bonuses, Thain agreed to resign from his new post as head of wealth management at the combined bank. The government helped orchestrate the acquisition of Merrill by Bank of America over the same weekend in September that another investment bank, Lehman Brothers, went under, setting off the most intense period of the financial crisis. _____ Ieva M. Augstums reported from Charlotte, N.C. AP Business Writer Sara Lepro contributed from New York. More on Bank Of America
 
OCTOPUS JAILBREAK: Octopus Dismantles Part Of Own Tank Top
It's not surprising that with eight arms and inquisitive nature, the two-spotted octopus is pretty handy around its tank at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium. Still, those reporting for work Thursday at the popular beachfront attraction were caught by surprise when they were greeted by water lapping around the kelp forest display, the shark and ray tank and the rocky reef exhibit. The guest of honor in the aquarium's Kids' Corner octopus tank had swum to the top of the enclosure and disassembled the recycling system's valve, flooding the place with some 200 gallons of seawater. More on Animals
 
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Citigroup, Gov Reach Deal For Up To 40% Stake Top
NEW YORK — Citigroup Inc. said Friday it reached a deal that will give the government up to a 36 percent stake in the struggling bank. The government, along with other private investors, will convert some of their preferred stock in Citi to common shares. Citi will offer to exchange up to $27.5 billion of its existing preferred stock held by private investors at a conversion price of $3.25 per share, a 32 percent premium over Thursday's closing price of $2.46. The government will match up to $25 billion of preferred stock it currently owns for conversion at the same price. If the maximum amount of preferred stock is converted, current common stockholders will see their ownership stake fall to about 26 percent. The conversion will help provide Citi the mix of capital to withstand further weakening in the economy. The Government off Singapore Investment Corp., Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal, Capital Research Global Investors, Capital World Investors are among the private investors that said they would participate in the exchange. One of the hardest hit banks by the ongoing credit crisis, Citi has already received $45 billion in cash from the government and guarantees protecting it from the bulk of losses on $300 billion of risky investments. Under the exchange agreement, the Treasury Department's remaining $20 billion in preferred shares will be converted into a more senior preferred stock that carries an 8 percent cash dividend rate. Citigroup said the increase in government ownership will not require additional taxpayer money. The government currently holds about an 8 percent stake in Citi. As part of the agreement, Citi will suspend dividends on both its common stock and preferred shares. Citi will also reshape its board of directors, Richard Parsons, the bank's chairman, said in a statement. The board will have a majority of new independent directors as soon as possible, Parsons added. The company also said it recorded a goodwill impairment charge of about $9.6 billion due to deterioration in the financial markets. The goodwill charge was added to Citi's 2008 results along with a $374 million impairment charge tied to its Nikko Asset Management unit. The charges resulted in Citi revising its 2008 loss to $27.7 billion, or $5.59 per share. Shares of Citi tumbled 56 cents, or 22.7 percent to $1.90 in premarket trading. More on Timothy Geithner
 
Art Levine: Union Allies Fight Back Against GOP "Meltdown Lobby" With Lawsuit, Grass-Roots Campaigns Top
Republican leaders and their conservative big business allies, including the Chamber of Commerce , have gone after workers' rights with a new set of misleading attacks targeting the pro-union Employee Free Choice Act. There's no legislative gambit, brazen lie, propaganda campaign or skewed data -- all in the service of legal and illegal unionbusting --they're not willing to try out. This week, these include proposed new legislation promoting the Big Lie that it takes away the secret ballot; a Newt Gingrich-led PR campaign (complete with a free Wii ); and spurious "reports" targeting the proposed law seeking to create a level playing field for workers. The union movement's leaders and allies have fought back on a few fronts in the last 48 hours. Leaders of a group of 39 of the nation's top economists released a high-profile statement on why protecting union rights is so vital to restoring the middle-class --and then found their pro-union views welcomed at a meeting with top members of the President's economic team. Union activists sent out a mass emailing to millions of supporters in the AFL-CIO-allied Working Families organization, urging donations to combat the anti-union ad propaganda blitz. And they brought an aggressive lawsuit against non-profit corporate front groups led by Home Depot founder Bernie Marcus and anti-union flack Rick Berman (a/k/a "Dr. Evil" ) for allegedly illegally soliciting donations for political candidates opposed to the Employee Free Choice Act. That conference call was organized by Bank of America that got billions in taxpayer bailout funds while lobbying against workers' rights to organize. The leaders of the two biggest union organizations -- the AFL-CIO and Change to Win -- didn't pull their punches: "Bernie Marcus and Rick Berman are no-holds-barred leaders of a network of people and organizations that despise worker rights and unions," said AFL-CIO President John Sweeney. "Now, they are violating their organizations' tax-exempt status through partisan political appeals. We call on the IRS to call them to account." Change to Win Chair Anna Burger said, "America's working families voted for change in November because of greedy corporate CEOS who will do and say almost anything to deny workers a fair share of the profits created by their hard work. We filed this complaint with the IRS to stop Marcus and Berman from violating the law in their campaign against workers and their families." (The lawsuit, though, is hardly guaranteed to succeed, given all the loopholes in campaign fund-raising laws. Berman has told The Huffington Post's Sam Stein , who broke the original story, that there was nothing illegal or improper about the call since, he said, "there was nothing on that call that spoke to funneling money to anybody." Marcus wasn't available for comment, Stein also reported in his story on the lawsuit yesterday.) More important than any lawsuit is organizing to tell the worker's side of the story. Marc Laitin, the AFL-CIO online organizer, reached out to the over two million members of Working America, a pro-worker organization that also enables those who may be blocked from joining unions to still support progressive labor causes. In a toughly worded email, he wrote: Corporate America is in an absolute anti-worker, anti-union frenzy about the prospects of the Employee Free Choice Act. And corporate front groups are spending millions -- spewing lies and distortions to block workers' freedom to form unions and bargain for a better life. We need your help to counter their ads with truth - and we need it now. Help us raise $50,000 online by this Friday to tell the truth about the Employee Free Choice Act on television and radio, in newspapers and online. Please donate now. ... With a pro-worker president, Congress and secretary of labor in place, big corporations are panicked that their stranglehold on workers who want to bargain for better benefits, fair wages and working conditions will be broken. They've likened the Employee Free Choice Act to "Armageddon," claimed it will lead to "the end of civilization as we know it" and even blamed the bill for declining sales of Girl Scouts cookies. Sound desperate? They are. So desperate they're spending some $20 million [ apparent typo: it's closer to $200 million ] to block the Employee Free Choice Act. To keep them from gaining the upper hand, we must get on the air and stay on the air in March -- meaning we need your help today. These anti-union forces include not just corporate front groups but an array of GOP politicians, business lobbyists and smooth-talking "Republican strategists" eager to echo union-bashing falsehoods and talking points -- and an all-too-willing media blindly accepting their spin. Yet these corporate mouthpieces at least deserve credit for their sheer chutzpah and shamelessness. Their talking points are straight from the George Orwell playbook -- all taken from some Bizarro World where unions take away rights, and workers' pay and living standards have improved in the last decade under the pro-business, laissez-faire policies championed by big business, Republicans, and the Bush Administration. In short, we're now supposed to listen to the same folks who brought you the tax giveaways to the rich , financial deregulation and weakened unions that helped cause a worldwide collapse of the economy. These same zealots who make up what might be dubbed the "Meltdown Lobby" have now made defeating workers' rights to organize a rallying cry in their fight against Obama's plans to revive the economy they destroyed. As Bernie Horn, a senior fellow at the Campaign for America's Future, summed up the GOP's $7 Trillion Trifecta of Disaster: It's no secret why Republicans are unpopular: Their policies led to domestic and foreign disasters. They turned a $200 billion budget surplus into a $1 trillion deficit. They caused the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression. They started the stupidest, most unnecessary war in American history. And now, when our nation desperately needs strong measures to prevent a recession from sliding into depression, what do they do? They almost unanimously vote against jobs, against rebuilding America, and against the biggest middle-class tax cut in American history. In the process, they voted to replace the whole Obama economic recovery plan with tax breaks for the rich. It's no wonder that workers, responsible political leaders and voters are looking for major changes in the way our economy and government runs. "We've seen that a weak-union, high inequality, deregulation economy doesn't produce growth, it produces disaster, and we need to do something different. Trusting the Wall Street guys didn't work," as Harvard economist Richard Freeman said in a briefing Wednesday to Hill staffers. He is part of a group of 39 leading economists organized by the Economic Policy Institute that unveiled an ad Wednesday in The Washington Post calling for passage of the Employement Free Choice Act. Some key reasons: the need to strengthen workers' organizing rights so they can bargain for higher wages that can help revive the economy , and to remedy the imbalance of power and wages in the workplace that have let corporations run amok. As EPI summarized the issue in a snapshot headline: Labor law reform key to economic recovery Thirty-nine prominent economists, including two Nobel laureates, have signed onto an EPI-sponsored statement in favor of the Employee Free Choice Act. Citing growing income inequality and workers' need for more bargaining power to counter national and global trends, they said the labor law reform is essential for rebuilding a solid middle class. In fact, in interviews and in their briefings, Richard Freeman and the other top economists also emphasized how unions can serve as a vital bulwark in the workplace against the untrammeled corporate power and greed that have brought the economy to its knees. Freeman told this reporter, "We can't run the economy the way we have, period." He should know: he is one of the world's foremost labor economists and the director of the prestigious National Bureau of Economic Research's labor studies program. He emphasized that by empowering workers and unions now we don't have to wait for the wholesale transformation of the greed-oriented corporate culture and lax federal oversight that President Obama wants to reform: "It doesn't require that business guys turn from people who are cheating and lying into decent citizens, and doesn't imply that government regulators are suddenly going to become incredibly effective. Instead, we've got an organization [a union] that provides some balance within the company. And as the union raises wages, and shifts some of the money from managers to workers, the incentive for that greed culture is going to get less." To illustrate a corrupt chief executive's point of view, he says, "If I can grab for myself $100 million, I'm going to break a lot of rules, cooking the books a bit." He says, though, that unions could be a force to challenge such illegalities and inequality, in part because they can look at a company's books during negotiations: "But [then] I can only grab $10 million because the unions have negotiated the other $90 million I might have grabbed. The unions can stand up." In sum, unions can force employers to invest in their workers and the long-term good of the company, rather than the short-term personal gain promoted by the current union-free, deregulatory enviroment. (Union members make up only eight percent of the private workforce.) Fortunately, Freeman and the director of the Economic Policy Institute, Lawrence Mishel, met Wednesday with members of the President's economic team , including top adviser Lawrence Summers. The labor economists made their case for the economic value of unions and the Employee Free Choice Act to experts in an an administration headed by a President who co-sponsored the Employee Free Choice Act -- and who said recently, "You cannot build a strong middle-class without a strong labor movement." Mishel says his views were well-received: "They were knowledgeable and very supportive of the President's position. You got zero sense of backtracking and zero sense that the economists were in disagreement with the President's policies [on labor]. They understand and agree that rebuilding unions will help rebuild the middle-class." Indeed, there's overwhelming evidence that workers wages have been largely stagnant since union membership has plummeted since the early 1970s. Between 2000 and 2007, the Economic Policy Institute statement notes, the income of the median working-age household fell by $2,000 -- an unprecedented decline. One of the most shocking statistics revealed this week by EPI was that high-school-educated workers who had jobs with health insurance plummeted to about a third today from two-thirds in 1979 -- a clear sign of just how much workers' bargaining power has eroded. And college-educated workers with such jobs have also fallen significantly, but still just over 70%. Indeed, except for a burst of prosperity in the Clinton era, wages haven't kept up with the productivity workers have generated, while the wealth of the country has increasingly been concentrated in the wealthiest 1% of the country. They doubled their share of the country's wealth since 1979 and added a whopping $1.3 million per household in income. "That's not a coincidence," Freeman pointed out, noting the GOP-led taxation, anti-union and deregulatory policies that made this shift -- or stealing -- of wealth possible. In fact, the Center for American Progress has reported , if union representation levels today were just at the same levels as they were in the early 1980s (about 23%), it would add $49 billion in wages and benefits to American workers. What's corporate America's response? "Unions? We don't need no stinkin' unions!" That, at least, appears to be the view of corporate flacks and lobbying groups. The HR Policy Association has somehow cherry-picked its way through government income data to conclude, in the face of real-world experience and reputable research : "Government data doesn't support the conclusion that strong unions mean a strong middle class." In Parade magazine last Sunday, Mike Eastman with the Chamber of Commerce, claimed in an article called "Does America Still Need Unions?" that they're no longer needed. "The workplace is much better today," he says. "Employers know they need to offer certain benefits and good wages to keep good workers." In angry retort, one progressive blogger, Joe Sudbay of A
 
Lascaux Caves, Prehistoric Drawings, Threatened By Fungus Top
PARIS — Geologists, biologists and other scientists convened Thursday in Paris to discuss how to stop the spread of fungus stains _ aggravated by global warming _ that threaten France's prehistoric Lascaux cave drawings. Black stains have spread across the cave's prehistoric murals of bulls, felines and other images, and scientists have been hard-pressed to halt the fungal creep. Marc Gaulthier, who heads the Lascaux Caves International Scientific Committee, said the challenges facing the group are vast and global warming now poses an added problem. "All of Lascaux's problems have always been linked to the cave's climatization, meaning the equilibrium of air inside the cave," Gaulthier told reporters at a news conference before the symposium. Now, rising temperatures have complicated matters by stopping air from circulating inside the caverns, he said. "It's stagnating, immobile, frozen" inside the cave, he said. This makes sending teams of scientists into the affected caverns risky, as their mere presence raises humidity levels and temperatures that could contribute to the growth of the different fungi, algae and bacteria that have attacked the cave over the years, he said. Other factors behind the stains include the presence of naturally occurring microorganisms and the chemical makeup of the rock that forms the cavern walls, Gaulthier and other scientists at the news conference said. For the moment, the cave is completely sealed in hopes that "it will heal itself," Gaulthier said. Two possible solutions to be examined at the conference include the installation of a system to regulate the cave's temperature and the use of biocides, which kill the bacteria and have been used in the cave before, with mixed results. Scientists from as far away as the United States, New Zealand and Japan were scheduled to attend the two-day symposium. The conclusions could also help preserve caves in Japan and Spain. In 1963, Lascaux, a top tourist destination, was closed to the public after the appearance of green algae and other damage scientists linked to the visitors. A replica of the main Lascaux cavern was built nearby and has become a big tourist draw. Carbon-dating suggests the murals were created between 15,000 and 17,500 years ago. Discovered in 1940, the cavern is a UNESCO World Heritage site.
 
2009 Prius Offers Best New Car Value, Says Consumer Reports Top
DETROIT — The 2009 Toyota Prius Touring edition offers the best new car value, says Consumer Reports magazine. The magazine, known for its annual ranking of top vehicles, says it added a "best car value" rating as consumers are looking for the best deals on a new car in a troubled economy. The ranking takes into account the total cost of ownership over five years, weighing fuel costs, maintenance and repairs, insurance costs, depreciation, financing rates and taxes against the purchase price of the vehicle. The April edition of the magazine, which focuses on cars, will be available Tuesday. More on Cars
 
Kanye West's Radiohead Tirade, Chris Brown Comments Cut From VH1 Show Top
During the taping, according to a Reuters reporter, West was aggrieved that Radiohead singer Thom Yorke had allegedly snubbed him backstage at the Grammys five days earlier. That hurt, West told the audience, because he idolizes the British band, and considers it one of his few creative rivals. "So when he performed at the Grammys, I sat the f--- down," West said. A little later, West asked the crowd, "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." He was referring to R&B singer Chris Brown, who was arrested on the night of the Grammys on suspicion of beating his girlfriend Rihanna.
 
"The Simpsons" Renewed Through Season 22, Sets Record Top
LOS ANGELES — Fox says it's renewing "The Simpsons" for another two seasons, which will secure its place as TV's longest-running prime-time series. Now in its 20th season, "The Simpsons" already had tied record-holder "Gunsmoke." The Western drama series aired for two decades on CBS before it ended in 1975. "The Simpsons" will pass that mark next season. The two-year, 44-episode pickup announced Thursday by Fox will bring the total number of "Simpsons" episodes to 493. The animated comedy about Homer and Marge Simpson, their children and the town of Springfield is not only enduring but much-honored: It's received a Peabody and 24 Emmys among other awards. More on The Simpsons
 
Mileage Tax Supported By Congressional Panel, In Spite Of White House Top
WASHINGTON — Raise federal gasoline taxes to help pay for road projects? Not during a recession, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has said. Then how about moving toward a system that finances highway construction by charging motorists by the mile? When LaHood suggested last week that be considered among other potential financing schemes, he got bushwhacked by the White House. "It is not and will not be the policy of the Obama administration," the president's press secretary said. With the administration's position seemingly clear, a special commission created by Congress is nonetheless endorsing those two ideas. Its report Thursday warns that if government fails to find a new way to raise money, "we will suffer grim consequences in the future: unimaginable levels of congestion, reduced safety, costlier goods and services, an eroded quality of life, and diminished economic competitiveness as a nation." The National Surface Transportation Infrastructure Financing Commission says the current 18.4 cents a gallon gas tax and 24.4 cents a gallon diesel tax are not raising enough money to keep pace with the cost of highway, bridge and transit projects. The commission proposes lifting the gasoline tax by 10 cents per gallon and the diesel tax by 15 cents per gallon, and adjusting both for inflation. The report also says fuel taxes increasingly will become a less reliable way to pay for highway construction as people drive more fuel efficient vehicles and the number of electric and alternative fuel cars and trucks grows. Last fall, Congress transferred $8 billion from the general treasury to the highway trust fund to make up for a shortfall between revenue and money promised to states for highway projects. Last week, LaHood said in an interview with The Associated Press that a vehicle-miles-traveled tax was an idea that should be considered to shore up the trust fund. The report recommends moving to such a tax, which would mean equipping cars and trucks with a device that uses GPS technology to track the number of miles driven and compute the tax owed. The amount could be adjusted to charge more for travel during peak traffic hours. Commission members said the transition to a national system would take about 10 years. The concept was tried in a pilot program in Oregon. Idaho's governor is talking about it. A North Carolina panel suggested in December the state start charging motorists a quarter-cent for every mile as a substitute for the gas tax. A tentative plan in Massachusetts has drawn complaints from drivers who say it's an Orwellian intrusion by government into the lives of citizens. Other motorists say it eliminates an incentive to drive more fuel-efficient cars because gas guzzlers will be taxed at the same rate as fuel sippers. Advocates said the tax is environmentally friendly because it encourages motorists to drive less and that technology solutions are available for any privacy concerns. Commission member Geoffrey Yarema, a Los Angeles transportation lawyer, said the commission examined more than 40 types of funding schemes before arriving at a consensus that a mileage-based system makes the most sense. "If someone else can come up with a solution that achieves the goals we all know need to be achieved and is more politically acceptable, that's great. But we haven't seen that alternative and we tried hard to find it," Yarema said. Yarema said he isn't discouraged by the White House's rejection of a mileage-based tax. "I say let's wait and see," Yarema said. "We're all looking for solutions and I'm sure the Obama administration will be looking for solutions as well." ___ On the Net: National Surface Transportation Infrastructure Financing Commission: http://financecommission.dot.gov/ More on Cars
 
Robin Williams Coming To Broadway Top
NEW YORK — First Will Ferrell. Now Robin Williams is coming to Broadway this season. The comedian says he will perform his one-man show, "Weapons of Self-Destruction," for five performances at the Neil Simon Theatre, April 28 through May 3. Williams has been on an 80-city tour of the show. The comedian says: "The current state of the country's political and economic climate, while so hard on so many people, has been like gold for a comedian. There's just so much that's ripe for the picking." ___ On the Web: http://www.robinwilliams.com
 
Jodie Foster Busted Speeding, Isn't Happy Top
A crew from truTV's reality show "Speeders" - which rides with highway patrols to film motorists getting caught speeding and then trying to talk their way out of a ticket - was with the Beverly Hills cops last weekend when they clocked a Prius allegedly going 54 mph in a 35 mph zone. When an officer and the camera crew approached the car, they found Foster - winner of Best Actress Oscars for "The Silence of the Lambs" and "The Accused" - sitting behind the wheel. Our source relates that, "Foster refused to sign a waiver to appear on the show, so the camera crew ceased filming and returned to the police car. But she grew quite agitated and angry, and kept insisting to the police officers that the radar gun must have made a mistake."
 
Tallulah Morehead: Survivor Toncatins: War is Heck; Survivor is Hell! Top
Hello darlings. Way back in episode one of Survivor: Tocantins , it looked like Jalapeno was going to be this season's designated lame-o tribe, but Timbira was not to be out-lamed, and by now should be proudly chanting "We're number two! We're number two!" And if anyone on Timbira is truly a big steaming pile of Number 2, it's Coach Full-of-Himself, who by this episode, has become Coach Extremely -Full-of-Himself. I've gone from disliking him, to really, really hating him. To the point that I find myself wishing that one of those deadly alligators we keep seeing in cutaway shots would slither out of the B-roll footage, and into the Timbira camp long enough to eat Coach. I imagine the 'gator later on, coughing up Coach's horrible hair in a big, brown furrball. Coach Snake-in-the-Grass set his target on Erinn Hairstylist this week, for the crime of having talked to Candace last week in a friendly manner. Mind you, Erinn lied to Candace, voted against her, thus enabling Coach's blindside of Candace, but that doesn't matter to Coach. After all, Erinn isn't him, and Coach is one of those people who doesn't really give a damn about anyone who isn't him. Plus, Erinn is a woman, and Coach apparently has a real problem with women. He numbered out his hit list to Tyson the Nude Mormon, and it was all the women. No men. Tyson, Master of the Man Tiara, thinks Coach is warm for his form. Don't get your hopes up, Tyson. Only straight men hate women as much as Coach does. And world-class narcissists like Coach really only love themselves anyway. You'd think Tyson would know this, as he's no slacker in the narcissism department himself. Jerry Army Guy, the veteran of a year serving in Afghanistan, was sick. He was lethargically dragging his butt around camp, and had no appetite for the steady diet of beans that they are living on. I would not want to share a camp with a group of people who have eaten nothing for days but beans. This is the tribe who tried to vote out Sierra Slacker for having a strep throat. If they get wind of Jerry's bean illness, it could be toot, toot, Tootsie, goodbye. Over at Jalpeno, they were mastering fishing. Easily five or six minutes of airtime was devoted to the tribe learning to fish, catching fish, cooking them, and eating them. This was not riveting TV. The only thing more boring than fishing is watching fishing. Oh there was some fine dialogue, such as Stephen City Nerd, looking at a freshly caught fish and saying, "That is a fish." Yes, Stephen, that is a fish. And this is my remote control. And this is the button that changes the channel, so try to think of something more interesting to say or do, or I'll be watching Smallville . Reward Challenge : Clearly Mark Burnett read my complaint last week about how they were only doing one challenge a week, and switched back to doing two a week. (Yes, I know the show was shot a couple months ago, but I'm assuming Survivor locations are like the island on Lost , surrounded by a time warp, so that the past is the future and the future is the past, and there is no present at all. Or maybe it's just the vodka talking.) Anyway, it was a dandy reward challenge, if not the equal of last week's tackle basketball in a pond during a monsoon. This one involved the teams wearing blindfolds and having instructions screamed at them. I love these, because blindfolded contestants moving through mazes, retrieving stuff, and taking showers, means lots of collisions, smashing into each other, and smacking crotches on unseen obstacles, and that's much more fun to watch than fishing, even if, for some reason, the men were all wearing shirts. (It was done in triple-digit heat. Why are the men dressed? It's still not too late for me to switch over to Smallville , you know.) The reward was what old game shows used to call "a lovely lounge suite," that is to say, furniture, cushions, blankets, a tarp, and I think a flat-screen, hi-def TV for their camp. The losers got shame. Joe Stud was calling out instructions for Jalapeno, while Debbie Bad Nose Job was screaming random words at Timbira. Doing his Proposition-8-supporters impression, Joe Stud hollered: "Spencer, keep coming straight." I think Spencer can decide his gender preference without Joe's help, but when Joe's admonition to "Keep coming straight" led to Spencer smashing into JT, I had to laugh. Watching JT spill a shower of corn right in his own blindfolded face was also good for a much-needed giggle. Under Debbie Bad Nose Job's inept screaming, Timbira came in a distant second. Coach Full-of-Himself let fly with cries of rage at losing. He's a coach. He lives in the world of sports, and he's still a bad, bad loser. I've seen two-year-olds who are more emotionally mature than Coach. When Jalapeno was asked to choose a Timbirian to head to Exile Dune (Jeff Probst can call it "Exile Island" from now until the end of the Bush Depression, and it will still be a sand dune hundreds of miles from the ocean), Taj piped up with "Brendan," and when Brendan was asked to choose a Jalapenian to join him, he called out Taj. This is their secret plan, to go to Exile Dune together as often as possible (For Brendan, it does get him away from Coach. but Brendan, Taj's husband has that trophy they give to murderers. Maybe you two should cool it off, before we end up watching another televised trial.), and amass the clues to the Hidden Immunity Idol. This doesn't seem to be making their tribe mates suspicious. Coach is too busy handing out black spots to all the women on his tribe, and Jalapeno clearly hasn't considered the possibility that the rich wife of a professional athlete might be playing to win. Jeff Probst tried pointing out to Jalapeno that this might be cause for concern, but Spencer Boy Genius just shrugged it off. Coach informed us, in the sort of meaningless prattle that coaches the world over favor, that "Winners find a way to win. Losers find a way to lose." Coach, keep finding ways to lose. Coach began reeling off his Intended Roster of Death to Tyson the Nude Mormon, whom he's taken under his wing as assistant coach, or towel boy, or tiara wrangler or something. Tyson is actually fully aware of what a tool Coach is, but is more than content to let the fool run his mouth to him, as it keeps his name off the Death List, where all the names are women anyway. Debbie Bad Nose Job tried analyzing what they did wrong, admitting that she had been just screaming stuff rather than doing a decent job of directing the players, but Coach cut off all attempts to figure out where they erred and how to do better, saying, "that would be the worst thing we could do." This man coaches ? He's actively preventing them from "Finding a way to win." Of course, he had no reticence about bad mouthing them behind their backs to Tyson, as he commanded Tyson to vote Erinn off next. Over at Jalapeno, smug celebrating was the order of the day. Joe, looking gorgeous with no shirt, told us "I think we put it to 'em pretty good today." Joe baby, you could put it to me "pretty good" anytime. (Joe, call me.) Coach made this insane, "I don't need no stinkin' reward prize," sour loser speech: "Let me bury myself in the sand, get eaten by tarantulas, and bitten by snakes. I don't care about comfort any more. I don't care about anything else except winning this game." I'm 100% in favor of his being eaten by tarantulas, although I would pity the poor tarantulas, but that doesn't really sound like a winning strategy to me. If you are on a soccer team Coach Full-of-Himself coaches, go join another team right away! Talk about "finding a way to lose." Over on Exile Dune, Taj got the clue this time. She kept it to herself for about two seconds, before telling Brendan that the Hidden Immunity Idol is "surrounded by wood," which probably doesn't mean it's in the middle of a gang bang. To lay off suspicion at their always going to Exile Dune together, they decided to recruit Sierra Whiner and Stephen City Nerd into a Double Secret Alliance. Wow. Finally someone is actually strategizing, and it's a cross-tribe alliance, which means it could survive a merge. That's actually smart. Okay, every edition of Survivor contains some shots intended to turn the stomach, but seeing over-50-year-old Sandy The Loon waking up spooning with, cuddling against, and caressing 19-year-old Spencer Jail Bait was a new low. My skin crawled so far, I had to chase it down. Sandy said, "I know I'm a sex kitten this morning. There's no doubt in my mind." Sandy is not any kind of kitten. At her age, she's not even a cougar. This ancient pussy is more like a saber-tooth tiger: extinct. Immunity challenge : The immunity challenge involved rolling giant blocks and then assembling them into a giant puzzle staircase. This lacked even the appeal of the blindfolded contestants walking into people, and again, the men were all wearing shirts. Burnett, I can still slip in a porn DVD anytime. How about some entertainment? This time it was JT yelling, "Keep it straight." What is this, propaganda? To make a dull story short, Jalapeno again found a way to win, while Coach found a way to lose. Coach contributes nothing to his team, but this loss was clearly helped along by Jerry, who's days of illness and little eating had sapped his stamina. Jerry was well aware that he dragged his team to defeat. Tyson told him, "You gotta stick it in if you can, man." Is Tyson Man Tiara coming on to Jerry now? Coach's hatred of women, which is approaching Rush Limbaugh proportions now, was so great that, even as everyone ( finally shirtless) noted that Jerry had sunk them, it was just more fuel for his unmotivated vendetta against Erinn. He sprang on Erinn's slip of a grin when she realized that Jerry had just replaced her as the head on the chopping block. Coach said, "She turned around and looked at the tribe with the evilest sneer." Coach, there is no such word as "evilest." It's "most evil." Never mind that Coach's face never ceases to look evil. He told Tyson, "I practiced her look." He practiced her look? Hasn't he got something better to do with his time? Like maybe finding a way to win? Admittedly, on Coach's face, the look is evilest! Coach continued to campaign to evict Erinn, laying on this load of crap with a trowel: "I exist to surround myself with people that have integrity, and I can not exist around people like that. You guys can because you can socialize with them..." (Coach doesn't notice that he is now insulting the very people he is trying to win over.) "...I am so true that existing around people that smile evilly when somebody else is on their knees ..." (Oh the joke I could do here.) "...kills me." If only it would kill him Coach is so full of himself he is overflowing. Sierra wasn't buying it. Brendan, shirt-free and beautiful, went Immunity Idol hunting at the statue by the Tree Mail slot. Deciding that the statue's twig skirt constituted being "surrounded by wood," Brendan perved out and lifted the idol's skirt. He was rewarded by finding the Hidden Immunity Idol stuffed up what he called "a little hole" in the statue's butt! I'm not making this up. He found the idol stuffed up a statue's butt - ah - cavity (Brendan said "hole" - on CBS during Family Hour!), by looking up its dress. Smart, lovely Brendan, come look up my skirt. You'll find another reward there too. Tyson demonstrated his True Mormon Compassion by stating: "I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams." Sometimes I think people on Survivor forget that eventually they will return to the real world, and everyone will have seen them on TV. Who would hire Tyson, or ever want to be anywhere near him, after hearing that? This is a game that rewards treachery and having no character. It's no wonder nor coincidence that the first big Survivor winner is currently rotting in prison. Tribal Council : Jeff as usual, did his best to stir the pot, and bring up the grudges lurking just below the surface. He asked who should be the "leader" of the tribe. (a sucker position. Being "Leader" will get you voted out fast.) Jerry suggested Brendan, who knows better. Coach of course, knows who should be leader, himself. He poured it on, by telling how on the truck on day one, "I basically told everybody - with my eyes - to get what they needed to get." He told them with his eyes? What is he, one of the alien kids from Village of the Damned ? I'm sorry. That was a terrible thing to say about homicidal alien kids. Man, is he full of himself! Probst suggested to Erinn that Coach is "a little passive-aggressive?" Coach isn't very passive. He's more like aggressive-aggressive. Jeff to Coach, "Because it sounds like what you're struggling with a little bit is ego." "It's not about ego," Coach lied. Coach is not struggling with his ego at all. He surrendered to his massive ego years ago. Tyson and Brendan were both breaking up silently, listening to Coach's bullcrap pour out. Jerry was, of course, voted out. Someone wrote "Jerry, we'll miss you." on their ballot voting him out.Now that is passive-aggression - and hypocrisy. Jerry survived a year Afghanistan, where some of the most evilest people on earth were trying daily to kill him. He lasted 8 days on Survivor . The previews of episode 4 showed Tyson the Nude Mormon dancing around in only a skimpy loincloth. You have been warned. Cheers darlings. To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead the Merrier.
 

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