The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid
- Jakey Sings!
- Gertie To Direct The Third Twilight Movie?
- Real Love
- Russell Simmons' Money Is Raining All Over Kimora
| Jakey Sings! | Top |
| Jakey Gyllenhaal will finally get the chance to sing and dance his little girl heart out in a big gay musical! My asshole is blowing rainbow-covered bubbles in anticipation! Variety says that Jakey and Jim Carrey in the big-screen version of the Broadway musical Damn Yankees for New Line. In case you don't take it up the butt, let me fill you in on what Damn Yankees is about. You see, some fat old slob named Joe Boyd has always dreamed of playing for the Yankees. The devil appears and offers to make Boyd's baseball dreams come true in exchange for his soul. Boyd agrees and is transformed into the hunky piece of hot meat known as Joe Hardy, a slugger for the Yankees. Boyd loves his new life but misses sis hag of a wife Meg. He starts to have second thoughts about the whole thing. Boyd is able to break the contract before the end of the World Series, so the devil sends a hot slut named Lola to try and seduce him into keeping the deal. Jim Carrey will play the devil and Jakey will shake his nalgas as Joe Hardy. Yes, Jakey wearing a jock strap in the middle of a locker room filled with naked dudes. This shit is one step closer to realizing your dream of Jakey starring a hardcore gay porn. Damn YANK ME! Basically, Charo was born to coochie coo as Lola. That role belongs to her. Or La Pequena . | |
| Gertie To Direct The Third Twilight Movie? | Top |
| No matter what, the Twilight crazies will fork over their allowance money (or cash from their menopause fund) to go and see the unicornies jump through the sparkly rainbows Robert Pattinson's magical forest. The producers already know that shit, so now they are trying to get non-Twilight-a-holics to drop down some coin by sprinkling in familiar names. I mean, that whore from 90210 , Dakota Fanning and Vanessa Hudgens are all in talks or signed for the next movie. And now, another familiar bitch, Drew Barrymore , may direct the third film called Eclipse . Drew just finished directing some shit called Whip It! starring Ellen Page . Entertainment Weekly says that Summit is talking to a small group of possible bitches to direct including Drew. Chris Weitz is directing the second movie, but he can't do the third since the release date on both movies are so close together. New Moon is out on November 20th of this year. Eclipse is scheduled for June 30, 2010. Can Drew direct? Who knows? Who cares? Who shot JR ? At this point, Fidel Castro could direct, Ann Coulter could co-star and it would still be the top whore at the box office. All you need is Robert Pattinson and a handful of glitter. | |
| Real Love | Top |
| No, Mickey Rourke didn't get a new chihuahua. I'm pretty sure he's had this bitch for a while, but now it looks like Jaws the chihuahua is now Mickey's new main homey. They were canoodling at LAX yesterday. Well, Mickey's heart looks full, but I think Jaws is busy trying to fight the urge to eat his own eyeballs out. And the name Jaws makes so much sense since Mickey kind of looks like he was attacked in the face by a Great White. They make a beautiful pair! LOKI : Nevah 4Get! | |
| Russell Simmons' Money Is Raining All Over Kimora | Top |
| Mating with a narcoleptic turtle has paid off for Kimora Lee ! This bitch is getting $40,000 a month from Russell Simmons ! Okay, it's really for child support, but you know that ho is going to skim a lot from the top for herself. Russell will never know, because she can store it in her neck! People says that the divorce between the two was made final yesterday in Los Angeles. Russell agreed to pay $20,000 a month per kid until they turn 19. Drinks are on Ming and Aoki tonight! Kimumu won legal and sole custody. Russell will get visits, but a nanny and security bitch must be present. Yeah, he'll visit just to drop off the check. The fuckery doesn't stop there. Russell will also have to buy a car worth at least $60,000 every three years for his girls to sit in until they turn the tender age of 16. We're all in the wrong fucking business. Baby making with Russell Simmons is a recession-proof industry! Yeah, you might wake up with night terrors from having to lick on his out-of-the-bottle Tequila worm, but for $40k a month, it would be worth it. $39,800 would be spent on my bar tab and my personal Mother's Cookie factory in the basement. Kids don't need that much money! Just throw them a carrot stick and a couple of Legos. They'll be happy with that. | |
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