Thursday, April 30, 2009

Y! Alert: Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

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The latest from Dlisted - Be Very Afraid

American Idol: How Fucking Shocking Top
It's time to put on your aluminum foil hats and discuss American Idol conspiracy theories! Last night, I was sort-of, kind-of, maybe drunked up while watching this mess, so it was a total blur. By the by, this is the way it was meant to be watched. The elimination episode of Idol is like doing sexy times with a fugly bitch you met at the bar. You don't know why you're doing it and you're filled with shame over it, but since you've already decided to, you might as well get as plastered as possible to ease the pain. The only problem is that when Danny Dorkey's " RDJ hit with the tard stick " face comes on the screen, I really can't control the barf nuggets from pouring out. They should throw a warning or some sawdust on his fugly ass face. The only part I really remember last night was the OMG WTF WHY WHO HUH SHOCKING reveal that the unstoppable flying unicorn that is Glamberace was in the bottom 3 along with Kris Allen and Justin TimberMOLE. I really wasn't slapping my nipples out of shock, because I was waiting for the Idol producers to pull this fuckery out of their asses. This is some manipulative shit! Shortly after Gaycrest puckered up his peen kisser and announced, Kris, The Mole and Glamberace as the bottom 3, he let Kris' sweet ass go back to safey. Then The Mole was finally burned off. That's when my eyeballs started doing calisthenics. Give me a break. They never said Glamberace was in the bottom 2, but the producers are trying to scare his crazy fans by making it seem like he was close to being executed. Some of the Glamberts might have been voting for Allison or Kris thinking Glamberace is safe, so now they are going to go back to punching it in for their precious rainbow prince. That means there will most likely be a Chokey and Glamberace finale. FIXED! If Lens Crafters' favorite bitch wins this shit, I swear I will break into Simon's bathroom chambers and shave off the only thing that means anything to him: his titty fur.
 
Brangie's New Big Oprhan Baby Top
My suspicions were right ! St. Angi e mistook that sumo wrestler Brad's filming a commercial with for an orphan baby with a serious thyroid problem. St. Angie must have quickly snatched him up before Vadge got her claws on him. Brad didn't feel like breaking the news to St. Angie so he's just going along with it. It's written all over his face. Bitch is tiiiiiired. And Pax is going to be the bestest older brother.
 
Jack Tweed Can't Handle Boy George's Sexiness Top
Your gay prison fantasies starring Jack Tweed and Boy George have come true! Jack, who is Jade Goody's widower, is currently serving time at the same chokey Boy George is resting his mega nalgas in for beating that prosty. The two have come face to peen three times in the shower block at the prison. You have my permission to take off all your panties while reading this, because I know you want to. The Sun says that Jack walked in on Boy George soaping himself up like a walrus rolling around in the sea foam. Jack was filled with so much desire that he ran off before his nutsack exploded. A source said, " Jack knew what Boy George was in jail for and didn't want to take any chances. The first time he saw him he just turned white and legged it. Jack isn't exactly the most comfortable person when it comes to getting attention from other men ." You know Jack's manhole started moaning like a cat getting q-tipped when he saw sexy ass Boy George standing there all nekkid-like. Picture it: Boy George's luscious Pillsbury Dough Boy body dripping wet. His massive man-chis basking in the fluorescent light. Who could blame Jack? He should just surrender to Boy George and become his bottom bitch. What happens in the shower room at a men's prison, stays in the shower room at a men's prison. Oh and it also stays in your nightmares forever too.
 
OctoCrazy Gets A Long-Awaited Visit From Social Services Top
The other day, OctoCrazy and her gang of BABIES were visited by Social Services. They brought a basket of muffins and just wanted to introduce themselves, because they will be working a lot together in the future. Bitch is practically going to be married to Social Services. And Social Services also wanted to talk to her about her 3-year-old son Aidan . Aidan's teacher filed a report with Social Services after he showed up to class with a black eye and bite marks on his body. OctoMommy told Radar that Aidan's teacher put a note in his backpack, but she didn't see until after Social Services came a-calling. She blamed the bite marks on her 2-year-old twins and went on to yap, "He's autistic, he bumps into things." As for the black eye, she thinks he might have gotten it at school. Bitches need to step off OctoMommy! How is she supposed to know how her kid got busted up when she's out peddling her octo-ass for a dollah! She can't do it all. I mean, everyone know it's FAMEWHORING: FIRST, KIDS: SECOND. Oh, wait. Actually, it's FAMEWHORING: FIRST, MANICURE: SECOND, KIDS: THIRD. No, that's not right either. It's FAMEWHORING: FIRST, MANICURE: SECOND, SHOPPING: THIRD, KIDS: FOURTH. Oh bother! Kids are somewhere " buying diapers for pet pig " and " getting back alley lip injections. "
 
Forever Your Pillhead Top
Being Paula Abdul's friend would be like the best thing ever! Not only do you get Xanax in your Cheerios when you have breakfast at her house, but she'd be so much fun to play pranks on. If you told her that she is the real Craigslist killer, she'd immediately turn herself in, because she'd totally believe you. If you told her she could grow a pill tree by planting an Adderall doll in the ground, she'd spend the whole night in her backyard with a shovel and some Miracle-Gro. Because Paula has the common sense of a boiled avocado seed, she is the perfect person for Sacha Baron Cohen to fool! Page Six says that for his movie, SBC interviewed Paula as Bruno . Paula had no idea she was being tricked. A source said, " Paula was totally fooled. She bought into his character and to this day isn't aware she was fooled ." To this day, I don't think she's aware that Skat Kat isn't real. NOBODY TELL HER. It would break her little lude-filled heart. It would be like her epic Bratz meltdown all over again! " Where's God when you need him? " Oh, Paula, he's sitting in that little Vicodin bottle waiting for you!
 
Swoooooooooon! Top
You may see a skeezy guido who still lives in his mother's rec room in New Jersey and works part-time as a plumber's assistant while he's trying to make his big dream of owning a used car dealership/pizza place/strip joint on State Island come true. This is what you may see. However, I see a beautiful afghan hound of a man who I just want to walk through fields of gold. I just want to nuzzle up to that nose and bite it. BITE IT. EAT IT. Yes, Adrien Brody looks like he just walked out of True Life: "I Think I'm Ronny Cammareri From Moonstruck ," but I can look past all of that, because of his nose. The nose that makes no-no say yes-yes. I can even look past the blue Dior Hair Mascara from '98 that has busted loads all over his luscious mullet and the neon shoelaces he stole from my first pair of British Knights. I can look past all of....Oh, fuckity! Who am I fooling?! I can't look past all of that shit. For serious, who is dressing this sexy beast?! Kid Rock?! Adrien needs to put down the Natty Ice and get a gay in his life, because he obviously can't be trusted to dress himself.
 

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